Help with mixed relationship children! Please!

[lotsofquestions]

I am almost ashamed to post this. But - I am a separated father. Have 3 boys of my own. Have been dating. There is a lady that I adore. She is bright, clever, charming and a great mum! And her oldest (a boy) is wonderful. But I just can't can't can't warm to her youngest (a boy). I try and try and I love kids. Work with them. Love their "world".

The boy is only 20 months! He is foul tempered and throws tantrums - the holding breath, turning blue and convulsing ones. He did these almost from newborn, I'm told. Other than that he whines and whinges. Never plays with toys - just goes and gets into things that he shouldn't (razors, toilet brushes, cat food) and throws a tantrum when they are taken off him. He throws his food around. He scratches, pulls hair and slaps other children and adults. He cuddles and "humps" his baby bottle - complete with loud noises of pleasure. He is virtually non-verbal and looks through people, without seeing them. He doesn't interact with other children. He doesn't seem to listen to anyone - he just goes off and does his own (naughty) things.

I think that he may be autistic. Which should probably make me like him more. YET I can't. It is almost primal - something inside me. I think I am going to have to cool down the relationship. I really like the lady - but it is a package deal. It is my problem, I don't want it to be other than that. I am ashamed of the way that I feel. Yet I feel it. I don't think it is jealousy - as I really like the older boy. A lot.

Why do I feel like this?

Can anyone help with advice?

[melzy]

WOW, you are in a bit of a pickle aren't you. Don't be ashamed to write on here. It is because you are a male you feel ashamed or to admit that you are dating again. Good on you for having the courage to write for advice and it's great to hear that you have met a fine woman.

He sounds like a royal little *%&# doesn't he.

Has your lady friend seeked any medical advice on his problem areas because it really sounds like she sound. I guess there is also the thought too of the cat food and razors etc being in a 20 month olds reach. Some type of safety action needs to happen there. Does she discipline this child or does she let him run wild. Is he seeking attention from mum because you are in the picture and he sees you as a threat. There are so many things to consider aren't there.

You have to speak to your lady friend. There is no real way out of it, especially if you really like her. I wouldn't say that you can't stand him but I would suggest getting him checked out by a doctor or specialist. Surely if she feels the same way about you she would do this and not only for her sake or yours but the childs. Surely she can't ignore his actions and say that it's just because of his age or he doesn't understand. He is going to hurt himself.

I would also get advice from a parent helpline or something where free advice is given. I always recommend the child youth and health website as it's good - maybe there is something in there for you (www.cyh.com.au).

You are going to have to be extremely tactful.

I hope my little bit of input helps you out.

All the best though - I really hope you sort this out and stay together.

[lotsofquestions]

Mel, thank you. All good ideas! I will work my way through them.


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[lotsofquestions]

Oh, and in reply, Mel. Her and her family think that it is funny what he does! And she works in the childcare industry - with kids of that age - and doesn't seem to notice anything "different" about him. Even though he scratches and slaps other kids. I am thinking that I am far better moving on. It really is difficult.

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[mumof2girls]

Hi lotsofquestions;

I think by what you are writing that you have already made your decision but you are finding it hard to let go. The youngest does sound like he may be autistic (or something similar) but on the same note if everyone is laughing at him and thinks it's funny then he may do it for attention. Just remember that if your not getting along with that child now and you don't feel anything for him then it will probably make it difficult in the long run. I would say just go with what your gut tells you to do, and 10 years from now when that child is nearly a teen can you see yourself still in the relationship? If yes then work on the relationship, if not then cut the strings and move on. :)

Not trying to sound callous but I think deep down you have made the decision but not really wanting to make it yet, good luck know it can be tough to go through.

[Lucybelle]

The fact that the child (OMG) "humps his bottles" etc, strongly suggests that this child has seen and experienced things that he shouldn't have.
Getting this child some help and getting to the bottom of this behaviour is FAR MORE IMPORTANT than how you feel about him.

If you have decided to move on - fine, but DO NOT leave this child behind. ring someone as suggested before - I don't care, speak to the family doctor.
Move on, but don''t ignore the fact that something VERY, VERY BAD is happening to this child. Right now.

I mean this, please - you don't have to get involved just make a phone call or two.

[WeThree]

My hubby and I have a 'his hers and ours situation' and I can tell you it is not easy! Im constantly feeling guilty for the way i sometimes feel towards his daughter, as does he in regards to the way he feels about my son, and we both feel guilty for the way we sometimes secretly think how easy it would all be if we hadnt had a child each when we met! having said that , there are lots of great things about our 'mixed' family as well, and we are constantly striving to improve it, for our childrens sake and our own, but we are married, we HAVE to make it work, you are only dating this woman, and believe me if you already cant stand this child, in a few mths/trs time this will develop into something even worse and you need to ask yourself 'is this what i really want, is this woman really worth it?' a swonderful as she may be, you are not married to her and this child is not yours, you do not owe them anything. This little boy sounds like he has some problems, my little 2 yr old boy can be very naughty, get into things he shouldnt and be very cheeky, but he also will lie quietly and play cars, 'help' with the chores, chat away to us all in his cute baby talwhich is getting increasingly more advanced everyday, and just generally be delightfully. I find it odd that you oculd dislike a child of such a young age and this suggests to me that he must be doing some seriously inappropriate weird things. I also find it odd that the mother finds it all amusing and isnt the least bit concerned about his behaviour, it doesnt sond like she is that nice/intelligent to me! (sorry dont mean to offend) maybe this little boy does these things because they all laugh at him, I know Cooper will do things to get a laugh out of his older siblings, even if it risks getting in trouble, is it the only time he gets any attention? does anybody actually spend any time with him, playing with his cars/ chatitng to him, taking him for walks etc or is he just left to his own devices (this is when kids alwyas get into things they are not supposed to - when they are bored) and only given any attention when he gets into something or does something inappropriate and everybody laughs? I personally htink you should move on before you get to entangled with this lady, it would not be fair aon this little boy to have to constantly be around a person who dislikes him so much (and i really hope this little fellas life gets a bit brighter because atm it sounds really dark and sad :( ) best of luck with whatever you decide