View Full Version : Did you TTC without your partner's knowledge (or would you)?
SassyMummy
11-08-2006, 23:26
I was just reading another thread and it got me thinking...
How many people have gone off the pill (or something similar) without their partner knowing in order to fall pregnant?
I won't judge you...and I don't want anyone else to either...I'll even put up a poll so you can't be identified by members...
I'm just curious about how often this happens.
If you haven't done it...would you consider doing it?
I've never done it and never will!
SamanthaJane
11-08-2006, 23:37
No i didnt and i wouldnt.
But i once read a story in that's life magazine about how a lady did... her husband always promised they would have kids, then one day decided "nope dont want them" so she got pregnant (on purpose) after years of trying to convince him. Her partner was mad at first (because he didnt think he wanted kids) and didn't understand why the pill hadn't protected them... but then he was really happy and they went on to have a few more kids (his idea, not hers)... when she wrote the article he still didn't know that she'd gone behind his back to do it.
Yes the above story is deceitful... but they still had a happy ending... and he did break his promise... It's not like she tricked him into it for marriage or something. So i dont think, that situation, is that bad...
Tan-mumof3
11-08-2006, 23:54
I read that article too Samantha Jane.
I have never lied to my DH about anything especially not contraception and i never would, it is a major breach of trust and a relantionship with out trust is sure to run into trouble imo. He is going to be the father and has as much right to decide when that is going to happen.
Personally I wouldnt be able to do this... If children are bought into the world I reckon both parent should want them in it :D
Little Gorilla
12-08-2006, 00:22
If you can't tell your partner that you want to get pregnant with them, why the hell would you think you could bring that child up together in a healthy loving stable environment.
I think its a very low act.
Kayteigh
12-08-2006, 07:03
I would never do that to my partner, given my 1st two babies were accidents Travis was completely planned by Rob and I, on the other hand Rob's ex wife did TTC a baby with out his knowlegde and Tayla is now 9.
Katie
FourAngelKisses
12-08-2006, 07:18
I would never ever do it. I love my husband too much to betray him. Our last two babies have both been accidents (okay, the last one...we weren't trying, but we had one night where we weren't not trying either) and he has been really happy about both of them, but a baby should be something that both people in the relationship want. You shouldn't need to use lies and deceit to get what you want.
Mummamoo
12-08-2006, 07:34
Nope. Wouldn't and couldn't do it.
Babies/children add an incredible amount of stress to a relationship and it's has to be a decision made by both. And I think that any woman who 'tricks' her partner needs to go into the deception knowing that she will most likely end up raising that child/children on her own, especially if she is found out (and lies have short legs !).
Mischief
12-08-2006, 08:02
Nope, I would never deliberately get pregnant without my partners consent.
I firmly belive that a baby has every right to be loved and WANTED by both its parents....(if possible)
I understand sometimes accidents happen, and I have every respect for women who continue on with accidental pregnancies!!!!!
No never. My cousin's ex did this...they'd only been together 3 months!!! Needless to say he was absolutely furious when he found out. They split up for a while, then got back together, but have no split up for good. My cousin loves his son but it is the kid that suffers. Because my cousin's ex didn't get to play happy families like she thought she was going to she doesn't play with her son, doesn't feed him (she has things in the cupboard that he can get himself...he's 2!) and when asked how much he loves his mum he folds his arms across his chest and put his head down. It's so so sad and I don't understand why anyone would do that. Having a baby changes your whole life, forever!
FourAngelKisses
12-08-2006, 08:27
Oh that is so sad, that poor little boy. :( Has your cousin tried to get custody of him?
Jeanette not yet but they only split up a few months ago and he is trying to do things the civil way at the moment but I know he is getting really upset and fed up with the mother (and his son never wants to leave him and go back to his mum's) so I think that one day he is really going to snap and will go for full custody.
It is really sad. If she wanted a baby so much you think she'd care for him. He either gets put out in the backyard on his own, or he is front of the tv.
He is a slow talker, but it was after his 2nd birthday that he said mum. Shows just how much attention she pays to him when he has no reason to ask for her.
bronny-jane
12-08-2006, 09:29
i dont have to lie, dh and i have the attitude, if it happens it happens:D
although im seriously thinking i dont want it to ever happen again:D
ask me in 6 months though, i'll be wanting more:laughing:
Dannii79
12-08-2006, 09:47
This happened to my BIL. The B**ch he was with did the "oh I can't fall pregnant" line and he was stupid enough to fall for it. She dumped him when she made the 12 week mark. She is now causing all sorts of problems for him and he can only have supervised visits 2 hours a week!! His daughter was born with a cleft pallet and lip so she is tube fed etc so it is hard for him to get her over weekends etc. His ex has even told mutual friends of theirs that she only used him to get pregnant.
I couldn't do it.....
DF and I talk about everything anyway plus we both had the same ideas and plans regarding having babies so we are on the same page anyway:D
was there a DR Phil episode where husbands were having sex with their sleeping wives to get them pregnant?? I think I remember seeing it, how awful:(
Milliner
12-08-2006, 10:15
No but DS was not planned
BubbaLicious
12-08-2006, 10:27
Nope never ever! & never ever will!
DS#1 wasn't planned but he knew that I'd just come off the pill and risks we were taking when not using condoms :D
He really wanted me to have his babies sooner rather than later, as he confessed when we found out.....no wonder he didn't seem at all concerned! (of course we had already discussed that we were both the one for each other and wanted children together, just hadn't figured out the timing. So the timing figured us out :D with the help of DH)
~EmsMum~
12-08-2006, 10:28
no way! never have never will
Angelmist♥
12-08-2006, 10:34
was there a DR Phil episode where husbands were having sex with their sleeping wives to get them pregnant?? I think I remember seeing it, how awful:(
:eek: How does that happen??
Nope couldn't and wouldn't.I had a 'friend' whose husband used to check her pill every night to make sure she was taking them but she was throwing them down the sink.:thumbsdown:
a DR Phil episode where husbands were having sex with their sleeping wives to get them pregnant?? I think I remember seeing it, how awful:(
:eek: OMG... That is so wrong :no:
KarniF00l
12-08-2006, 10:44
:no: only evil ppl would do such a thing like that
marcelsmum
12-08-2006, 12:49
Well I didn't deliberately get pregnant without DP knowing about it, but I did accidently fall (I had been told it was not likely that I would fall naturally due to suspected endometriosis) After deciding not to use contraception. (I thought I was safe - word of warning don't beleive the doctors). Neither I or DP were prepared for this, but I must say I was secretly happy. (he was not). 8 years on we are both very happy and last year decidid I should go off the pill again. At first we were using the dodgy withdrawell method, but again I kind of hoped we would have another accident. Nothing happened and we are now properly trying - Definitely with his consent.
Do you think that counts- I didn't deliberately fall pregnant but I always had the It would be nice - wouldn't mind if it happened thought in my head.
I have to say our DS is the push he needed cause before he was orn DP didn't want any children at all. Now he wants more
bekkyboo
12-08-2006, 12:58
I was told my chances of falling pregnant were slim to nil as well...
The pill i was placed on made my body worse, so i did stop taking it, but i didnt tell my partner at the time. We didnt talk much as it was - and he would make my life hell for not taking it and we did use other methods of contraception. But after a few scares - we talked about it anyway, and started ttc.
Im glad nothing came of it in the end tho. I was 16 at the time...
Nickster
12-08-2006, 13:11
Never in a million years!
I couldn't do that to myself, or to DH!
But I know people who have.....:no:
No I wouldn't and haven't and now well there's no stopping us he wants 6 blooming kids lol
Nope. How could I expect him to trust me after something like that? And how can our relationship work without trust?
jessgray
12-08-2006, 14:50
i wouldnt do it. why bring a child into the world where one parent would feel resentful about the child existing?
ds1 was half planned-we both wanted kids and had said so but we didnt expect it to happen as quick as it did lmao
ds#2-was an opps but we still want him :D we didnt even know he was in there growing till i was about 8 or 9 weeks lol
arthursmum
12-08-2006, 16:21
i voted 'not sure' only because i have forgotten to take my pill a few times & not told him straight away & we are both happy to conceive again now should there be an 'accident' so it's not a major iss-yew, ifkwim.
i don't think i would actively ttc and not let him know...should have thought about it more before i voted, doh!
Nope, I could never do that to DH, I just don't think its fair for one half of a couple to make that decision for both of you :no:
Ciao,
Brooke.
Fitmumma
12-08-2006, 16:54
I definately have not & would never ttc without my DH knowing....No way:no:
After i lost my first son, i was devastated when DH told me he wanted to wait before starting to try again.
I didnt understand and i wanted to rush straught back into it, however i never would have dreamt of tricking him into it. IMO both of you have to be 100% ready.
Turns out that we only ended up waiting a few weeks anway. He proposed during that time!:kiss:
no i wouldnt...
there is a friend of my mums thou in her mid 30 desperate for kids but her husband wants to wait until she has got a nurses degree which is a few yrs off and then wants her to work for bit to save up money, they already have 300,00 in the bank...i feel so sorry for her as she feels her time is running out, it just made me wonder if she has considered not telling him
bellagirl
12-08-2006, 17:33
cant say i would do it either, if i wanted one and my partner didnt, i would talk to him about it and try to reason with him.:yes:
that said, hypothetically, if you fell pregnant and you wanted to keep it and your partner didnt.... what would you do?
MummyCharmzy
12-08-2006, 18:01
certainly not, thats a terrible thing to do!
Definitely wouldn't. My hubby's ex had both her children without planning them with him. All details point to the fact that both were planned on her behalf.
They were not in a committed relationship and the way the children have been raised has been a testiment to why you shouldn't have children this way. I have watched (with some sadness) the difference between how my two children are treated and how the other two are treated. Financially the other two are looked after very well, but the resentment and animosity between their parents is the biggest failing of their parenting.
The other thing you'd most likely miss out on would be the enjoyment of sharing every aspect of your pregnancy and the support of your partner during times of m/s, sore back, heartburn, "fat days" etc. as well as the joys of the ultrasounds, movements etc
nemosmum
12-08-2006, 18:19
I recently found out that my older sis has decided she doesnt want children, her hubby is however desperate for a baby its literally all he can talk about!
At first he would joke about tampering with my sisters birth control but now it is causing major problems in their relationship, I seriously think if he could get my sis pg accidently he would..... he is that keen on having a baby.
I dont agree with using deceptive methods to create a life, however its not my place to judge others.
Little_Toad
12-08-2006, 18:30
My DP was dating a women for a while (years ago) and she got pregnant to him deliberatly.
He also found out at the same time she was married to a rich guy who wasn't that attractive and was dating my DP for a while just to get pregnant.
I can guarantee that there are many "accidental" pregnancies that aren't accidental at all.
My DP wasn't sure he wanted kids and it was a little issue for us, i can't remeber how many people i know, men and women that would say "why don't you accidentally get pregnant".
It's far nicer to make the desision together to have a baby, no resentment between you both, no little lies and deceipt. How can you have an strong ever lasting relationship when it starts on lies.
misskittyfantastico
12-08-2006, 19:34
I think it's tragic that there are couples who can't be honest with one another....I mean surely, if you love each other you can comunicate your needs and try and reach a happy compromise!?....
Hokey Pokey
12-08-2006, 19:42
No we both agreed. :yes:
we didnt decide it jus happened but we both 100% agreed to keep it after much much discussion, but i would never have gone behind his back
bearsmummy
12-08-2006, 20:16
nope couldnt do that to my man.... how could he trust me if i did?
pookiesossige
12-08-2006, 20:37
Nope, never done it, never will.
I know people who have though- and I was disgusted. How wrong it is to decieve a partner when they are still on an appreticship earning, what, $9 an hour, (and stressed about it) stuck renting out in the middle of nowhere with no transport, broke and alcoholic, with one child already...I don't understand, I know it's wrong to judge but it's hard... I guess I'm just human. Sometimes having another baby, even behind a partner's back must be the only way some people feel they can be complete. I think it's so sad and decietful.
Gosh, everyone on here is so noble. I know loads and loads of babies who were the result of an "accidental" pregnancy.
Accidental my blooming left foot.
its usually the first child that is the "accidental" one and then its the DH that wants the second one.
Although, being older its probably more common among my peers. Some men in their thirties and forties don't know what they want till it comes up and bites them in the ar*e, and all of these babies are "accidentally" conceived after the "lets have a baby SOON" conversation has taken place in committed longterm relationships.
As for our little man, well DP says I got pregnant on purpose and I say he knocked me up on purpose but its just a joke between us. Bubby was definitely planned, just not scheduled for quite so soon. Not that it matters now. Its the best thing that ever happened to us and if we had planned it too much then it would probably never be the perfect time.
so I think we both probably were guilty of this without really realising it.
chubbybubby
13-08-2006, 01:02
No I wouldn't do that. But then DP and I both want more kids, so if we did "slip up", neither would mind. :) Our issue is timing and money though. An "accident" would make things difficult. :)
FourAngelKisses
13-08-2006, 07:09
Gosh, everyone on here is so noble. I know loads and loads of babies who were the result of an "accidental" pregnancy.
Accidental my blooming left foot.
its usually the first child that is the "accidental" one and then its the DH that wants the second one.
Actually, my first two were planned, the second one was an accident (I was on the pill and hadn't stopped taking them) and my fourth was a result of both of us being careless.
I would not even dream of being that sneaky for fear of it blowing up in my face and ruining my marriage. My BIL's ex did this and now she won't let him see his little girl. He hasn't see her since she was 6months, she just turned 2!
We both agreed that I should go off the pill due to it making me feral IYKWIM. We decided that if we fell pregnant, so be it...took us 4 years for this to happen tho!!
I agree that its best for everyone if both partners agree, but what if one has the burning desire and the other doesn't? Despite conversation after conversation and no agreement or compromise is reached, what's next? Is it ok for one party to forever live with regret and disappointment and the longing for a child?
Its a question I'm grappling with right now and have been for some months...what do you do?????
Me - 32
DH - 32
DS - 2
:confused: :gloomy: :confused:
SassyMummy
13-08-2006, 16:27
Good question Mumsluv...if you both have different ideas of what you want, you'll probably never come to a compromise (what's the compromise of having children anyway? You either have one, or you don't...)...or come to a decision. One will miss out...generally, the person who wants the kids will miss out...the other can just abstain or make sure they protect themselves as much as they can (or get an abortion if anything "accidental" happens - or use a morning after pill).
You could say that how many kids you want should be discussed beforehand...before you reach that stage in the relationship...but people change their minds. I'm not interested in TTC right now...but I'd like to have another baby in a few years. DP, before we had DD, informed me that he wanted 3 kids. Now he's just happy to settle on 1. So, in my case, it was discussed beforehand...and DP just changed his mind.
I'm not going to TTC without his knowledge...but I'm going to do my best to convince him to want to TTC. I can honestly say though, if it gets to the stage where I DESPERATELY want another baby and he refuses...I don't know what I'll do. Desperate times call for desperate measures...so I have no idea whether I'd betray him like that or not. If I did, I'm unsure how he'd react. We never planned DD...but he loves her. If I actively TTC without him knowing, I'm sure he'd want and love the baby just as much as he loves DD.
I'd like to add a thank you to everyone who responded to the poll...particularly those of you who HAD (or would) TTC without your partner's knowledge. I can understand why you haven't responded to the actual thread though...you'd be judged so quickly and harshly...which is unfortunate. Thanks for answering the poll though! :thumbsup:
mumsluv, if he says a definite no, then that means no. I wouldn't do it if I were you. Just keep at it and see if he will crack...
A "maybe one day" however, is a whole nother story!! LOL
DP wants two children and I only want one, so I know I have to be very very careful to avoid an "accident" caused by him. Its not always the woman you know!!
Hi Sassymummy...in a similar situation...we had talked about having CHILDREN, not CHILD before we married though a specific number was never suggested or discussed. our DS was planned and then I fell pg accidentally last christmas. Ufortunately, :gloomy: ended up as ectopic and my little one disappeared at 6 weeks, 4 days. Initially, my DH was very keen to have another baby but wanted to wait a few months before TTC. Within in those months, he changed his mind and now says he is happy with one whilst I am most definitely not! You are so right about the one who wants kids being disappointed...they are the ones who miss out and the status quo is maintained. But how doest THAT affect a relationship??? Its not just the 'betrayed' ones that are hurt in these sorts of situations. desperate times DO call for desperate measures...I couldn't have said it better!
Having said that, I am now trying to reconcile what would be best for my family...is an unhappy and sad mummy good for a family when this could be easily rectified? I can relate to people who do opt for TTC without DP's consent in this sort of situation and really don't know what I will do now that I am faced with the same.
Me - 32
DH - 32
DS - 24/7/04
sugar n spice
13-08-2006, 20:20
This preg is an accident but i would never trick my husband into getting me pregnant i could never live with that. A relationship is built on trust and without it its bound to end
SassyMummy
13-08-2006, 22:21
After thinking more about some of the posts both on this thread and the threads on how to convince a partner to want another baby...I wonder if both situations are actually kinda similar.
I'm not a push-over, but I'm not particularly patient either...so if someone nagged and nagged and nagged me...in the end, I'd give in. If I were a man who didn't want any more kids...but my partner did...and so she whinged and nagged and such...in the end I'd give in just to get to her to SHUT UP and to keep the peace. HOWEVER...just because I finally gave in wouldn't mean I was necessarily happy with the situation...and I could very well end up resenting my wife for nagging me just as much as I would resent her for betraying my trust.
In a way, both TTC without your partner knowing AND nagging your partner into submission is the same thing.
Personally, I'm happy to nag and whinge and b*tch until I get my way. I understand that DP has the right to change his mind...but I have the right to get all I want in life. Having a baby isn't JUST about me...I think siblings are invaluable for a child, my daughter in this case. I'm very annoyed that he can just say "no" and have his way, but I have to nag and whinge and HOPE to get mine. Sucks really.
I too can relate to anyone who TTC without their partner knowing. It's not something I'm definately intending on doing...but it'll always be in the back of my mind.
(The way I see it...I'M the one who spends all day with DD...he just gets to have "play time" with her every now and then...I'm the one that pays for most of her stuff too...all he really has to do is lend his sperm...is it really THAT difficult?)
misskittyfantastico
13-08-2006, 22:25
The thing is though, it's not just babyhood we're talking about...it's a lifetime of financial and emotional support.
SassyMummy
13-08-2006, 22:42
I understand that.
I can understand though, why women TTC without their partner's knowing. Just because he doesn't want to try and have another baby doesn't mean he won't love and care for his child when it finally arrives (just as with accidental pregnancies).
misskittyfantastico
13-08-2006, 22:49
I honestly can't put an accidental pregnancy in the same boat as a deliberate deception.
No i didn't TTC without my partner's knowledge. I actually had to be very careful and cautious with DH when we were TTC, i had to make it very very clear to him that i was no longer on the pill and if we had sex, it could end up with me being pregnant and how would he feel about this. We talked about it every day for a month or so, until i was satisfied that he understood. (When i conceived my DH was in hospital after an accident and has short term memory problems resulting from a brain injury). At the time all i cared about was that my fiancee (at the time) survived a horrific accident and he came back to life for me, all we wanted was to get married and have children. So now we have DS and are married and couldn't be happier. DH wishes i was pregnant now! And after giving birth he said, cool, 3 more to go! So, even though he sometimes doesn't really understand or forget if i am on birth control or not, he doesn't care, he just wants to have lots of babies with me. :P
Prior to his accident though, i must admit i had a lot of tempting thoughts that i'd 'accidently' forget to take my pill or something cause i wanted to have children so badly. He did too, we were just wanting to wait 'for the right time'. But, i figure life doesn't have any 'right time' for anything and when he had his accident we figured what was most important to us and that was to have a family.
Sorry for being so long..... lol
SamanthaJane
13-08-2006, 23:37
Hmm... Good posts Sassy Mummy :yes:
Maybe a little off topic but here goes.... I was thinking.... No doubt a child will be loved and nutured, even if the partner was TTC secretly. But is it just about the child? Like, wouldn't you feel guilty about TTC secretly? Or does it just not matter once the child is born :confused:
My baby was not planned, yet we have made the decision to keep her because we wanted to love her and care for her forever. So, in a sense, she may not have been planned... but we will ensure she understands that she is still wanted. I mean, thats why we kept her, because we did want her...
So is it the same thing... or are they totally different :confused:
SassyMummy
14-08-2006, 00:00
DD wasn't planned by any means...but when it came down to the "abortion vs keeping the baby" decision, my mind was made up. DP didn't get a word in edgewise. I'd make it clear to him, before we ever engaged in any sexual activity, that if I ever fell pregnant I would not get an abortion. I wanted him to know so that he could then decide whether or not to sleep with me (back then I was so ANTI abortion...now I'm pro-choice).
Anyway...I guess that puts me in hte same boat as those who TTC without hteir partner knowing. Either way, my partner, in the end, didn't have a say in what happened...
proud_mum2b
14-08-2006, 14:50
i would never ever do that. me and my fiancee decided to move out together and that their was no need for condoms we both love each other and we will always be their for each other.
i think it is totally wrong to ttc without your partner's knowledge i mean what if he isnt ready for a family or doesnt want to have kids. i think its a mutual decision.
Given that the majority of people have said that they wouldn't ttc without their partner's knowledge or consent, I am wondering if anybody has been in, or knows someone else who has, the situation where the relationsip ended because the couple couldn't aggree or reach a compromise about having children or the number of children??
I still feel very strongly that one party shouldn't have to sacrifice their own needs and happiness because the other says they don't want to have any and/or more kids.
:confused:
Hi Shed
firstly, congratulations on your new little man. Hope the early weeks of motherhood are treaitng you well.
I've got a coupleof questions about your post...
"Please explain"! when you say 'maybe one day' being a whole other story.
Also, how will you deal with your husband's desire for another child when you don't want another?
Take care :wave:
SamanthaJane
14-08-2006, 17:11
One girl i went to school with (who is extremely snobby and has a VERY high standard of "class") started saying "i heard she got pregnant deliberatley" ... talking about me, telling people that i had planned this, without my partner's knowledge. So pretty much saying that i was TTC secretly, because i wanted to "keep" my partner :rolleyes:
She hadn't heard this "story" from anyone, she'd made it up in her own head just to make a story up about me. :mad: No one believed her, but i was still angry that someone had said such a thing.
TTC without your partner's knowledge is not a nice thing to do (especially if it were in a situation like mine) and i was extremely hurt that she had said such a thing about me.
I dont think we can make people feel guilty with our posts. And i highly doubt that the bubhubbers who have replied would EVER try and make someone feel guilty. I think if a person feels guilty about TTC, its a feeling of prior guilt. Not a feeling we bubhubbers have created but a feeling that was already evident BEFORE this thread was even created.
SamanthaJane
14-08-2006, 17:19
wasnt blaming anybody was just stating my oppnion. Sorry.. but that's not what i meant
Just to make it clear- i am not having a go at you. But could you please explain what u meant?
Mum&bubs
14-08-2006, 17:47
Nope, I wouldnt do it. I think having a baby is a two way decision.
SamanthaJane
14-08-2006, 17:48
Everyone is more than welcome to put out their ideas on the issue in this thread and in any other thread. No one is ever going to all agree to one opinion. The mod's are good at their job and they stop any sort of "foul play" so to speak :)
Mum&bubs
14-08-2006, 17:52
Oh one more thing- if your baby was a 'surprize' i dont think theres anything wrong with that :D
LittleBoysRock
14-08-2006, 18:47
No I would never do this. I can understand why some people would but it isnt something I could do. :)
BlessedWithBlue
14-08-2006, 18:51
No i haven't and i definately wouldn't. All three of our pregnancies were planned and we agreed on three kids, i would have loved one more but df was absolutely against ever having any more so i agreed three was enough.
Well we are having twins so we will stop at four, if i ever had the urge for another child i would talk to df about it but i am pretty sure we're done with our family.
Lisa&Davey
15-08-2006, 00:16
I could never trick my DP into having baby. I felt bad enough that I had to make the decision on my own when our 'surprise' came along (I'm pro women's choice). I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and we now have a little DS who is the most loved baby in the world by his mummy and his daddy and will never want for anything.
At the end of the day we were in a consentual relationship. We discussed our respective opinions on children and what we would do if there was a 'surprise' BEFORE we had sex. I know that's not always possible but I think it's a good thing to aim for.
I know women that have tricked men into getting them pregnant and I disagree with their choice. In the end it's their choice though and a guy should be smart enough to know the risks he's taking when sleeping with a girl.
One girl I knew retrieved the used condom and 'turkey basted' herself. The guy took off when she told him she was pregnant, like he had said he would. So not cool.
Alatariel
16-08-2006, 15:16
I've thought about it in a 'what if?' kinda way but I could never do it. I just cant bring myself to lie to him! But now we are TTC with all guns blazing so its not a worry!
Someone close to me had it happen to him though. He now adores his 6 month old son, he is the proudest Daddy in history. But his partner had gone off the pill and started TTC even though he had sworn never to have kids, and she had known that from the first moment they got together. He was so angry, because she told him what she had done as soon as she was pregnant, and it totally ruined the whole pregnancy experience for him. Instead of being excited, he was scared, angry and felt betrayed. He didnt want the baby, not until the first moment he held him, and then it was love at first sight.
So in a way, this guy has had a wonderful experience that he wouldnt change for the world that wouldnt have happened if it hadnt been forced on him, but on the other hand his relationship with his partner has never truly healed and I believe he is staying there for his son, not for his partner. anyone thinking of doing this really needs to consider what tht says about their relationship with their partner, and how its going to affect their future feelings.
I personally would not TTC without my husband's support and consent. Anyway, he finds it such a fun challenge to get pregnant as soon as we start... funny man! :o
Anyway, I DO know someone who HAS been deceptive regarding TTC... my sweet ol' innocent NAN!! Heh heh, yep! She had two daughters (before which she had miscarried very late into 4 other pregnancies) and desperately wanted a boy. She was told she could not have anymore children as it wouldn't be safe, and my Parpie was adamant to protect his wife and listen to the doctors. If you only knew my Nan... she is very strong-willed... and as history shows, she has three children - 2 girls and a boy! :laughing:
As for a "surprise" story, I had friends who had been married for 5 years and said they would have kids "one day", but only started the family when a condom exploded... a surprise for both of them as they were both devastated to start with. Of course they would NEVER trade their little girl in, and have recently had #2... gotta get the ball rolling! :)
I would never even consider trying to fall pregnant without my husbands knowledge.
You may think its harmless and that he may not be ready now, but once your pregnant it will be ok. Trust me it won't. My DH has a friend whose wife did this and their relationship has never been the same. They still live in the same house but lead seperate lives, he's always at work or playing sport or studying. He spends very little time with either of his kids. I guess he figures he knows she did it the second time, maybe the first wasn't so much of the 'accident' he thought it was.
luxeleisure
17-08-2006, 13:50
Interesting. Most of the happily married women I know got pregnant "by accident". My 1st was a genuine accident, and a fantasic surprise for both. And my 2nd was planned and "trying" was very stressfull for both of us, all that constant "what day will I ovulate...." I do think that a lot of men have the idea that "next year" is the best time to have a baby, when next year is always a year away.
The old "oops I'm pregnant, now we have to get married" is wrong on every level. But I don't think there is anything wrong with ttc THIS year.
Interesting. Most of the happily married women I know got pregnant "by accident". My 1st was a genuine accident, and a fantasic surprise for both. And my 2nd was planned and "trying" was very stressfull for both of us, all that constant "what day will I ovulate...." I do think that a lot of men have the idea that "next year" is the best time to have a baby, when next year is always a year away.
The old "oops I'm pregnant, now we have to get married" is wrong on every level. But I don't think there is anything wrong with ttc THIS year.
Our first though very wanted and planned was some what of a surprise. We'd been trying for so long that we'd given up hope.
#2 was a genuine surprise neither of us were expecting and #3 was well planned and we knew it was coming.
But there's a big difference to a genuine accident and someone being deceptive and going behind their partner's back to conceive.
michelle21
17-08-2006, 14:12
One of my best friends had talked to her partner about trying for a baby he said no, he wasnt ready and although he did want kids he didnt want one just yet. They decided to wait a year.
About a year later she started getting excited and brought it up with him again, he said he wanted kids definately in the future but still thought it was too soon and they should just wait a bit longer.
Well she waited 6 more months then began to put her contraception pill down the sink everymorning.
She fell pregnant almost immediately. When she told her partner she was pregnant she eplained it must have happened when she had bad dioreaha (the pill is not as effective then)
To this day he doesnt know and still thinks it was a complete accident. I think she thought it would bring them closer but they are no longer very happy together and although he loves his little girl he seems resentful he didnt get to do what he wanted in life.
I just dont think its fair to make such a big decision for someone else that will affect there life forever.
(Sorry...I wrote a novel!)
vavavanny
18-08-2006, 07:30
I could not make such a huge decision without DH's input. It's not fair on either of us, or the child.
I think tricking a man into fatherhood is an appalling low act. I would never do that to DH, I couldn't live with myself knowing I deceived him like that. If DH and I disagree on this issue, then my attitude would be that we have to keep working it out until we reach an agreement. This could well be the case too as he is definate that DD is our one and only, which I'm currently fine with, but I can imagine in a few years time thinking I wouldn't mind another. Probably wouldn't happen anyway as we're not exactly spring chickens and not terribly fertile anymore I don't think!
jaydensmum
18-08-2006, 14:56
I would definetly not trick my DH to have a baby without his knowledge! I believe that making a baby is a two way decision that has to be made by both parties. A baby not only effects the mothers life but it does on the fathers as well and so he should help to make that decision. I cant believe anyone would do this to their partners/husbands. Its such a deceitful thing to do. A big part of having a relationship with someone is having trust with that person. The partner trusts that person and they go ahead behind their backs to get what they want without them knowing, thats just plain wrong!! :mad: What if the husband just goes out and deceitfully goes and buys a house without your consent how would you feel, im sure you wouldnt be too happy. Well thats exactly what you're doing to them. Im sorry if you dont like my opinion but im a traditional person and have strong morals. I honestly feel that by doing something like that is just so immature and wrong!! :yes:
jaydensmum
Not a chance. Don't need to, Hubby wants kids as much as (or even more than) I do.
Know many who have, and eventually it bites them in the backside. May take years but eventually it'll boomerang on them.:no:
Shellfish
23-08-2006, 15:16
Call me a woman's libber but the fact of the matter is that there are no tricked pregnancies, if you have sex with someone then there is chance (small as it may be) that it will result in conception. At the end of the day, condoms and the pill aren't foolproof (I know several women who have conceived while on the pill) and I am sure that there are countless men who go around telling people that they were 'tricked' - well, not unless she knocked him unconscious and inserted his penis into her vagina.
That said, to try and fall pregant deliberately without my husbands support isn't something I could imagine myself doing..I don't have to though, I usually get what I want :D
SassyMummy
23-08-2006, 16:11
Very good point Shellfish. I made the point of explaining to DP that I'd never get an abortion if I fell pregnant (it's just not something I think I could handle) BEFORE he slept with me. That way, if any "accidents" happened, he couldn't get angry and demand I terminate. He knew where I stood from the get-go (so if he chose to sleep with me, he was risking having a baby).
The pill, IMO, isn't exactly the most reliable method of contraception. SO many people rely on it, but it's about 75% accurate...and that's if you use it 100% correctly (which the majority of people don't). So if you have sex times, statistically, 25 of those times could potentially end up in a baby. I've also heard that if you're overweight, it's more likely to fail on you. It's for that reason that i'm not on the pill...I don't want to feel as though I can rely on it...only to have it fail.
FourAngelKisses
23-08-2006, 18:37
The pill, IMO, isn't exactly the most reliable method of contraception. SO many people rely on it, but it's about 75% accurate...and that's if you use it 100% correctly (which the majority of people don't).
I was told it was 99% effective. I was also never told that it had to be taken at the EXACT same time every day. I was just told to take it at breakfast time. Breakfast in my house is anywhere between 6am and 8am.
No wonder it "failed" for me.
SamanthaJane
23-08-2006, 22:05
Yeah i was told it was 99% effective too... my doctor told me when i found out i was pregnant that 1 in 3000 women get pregnant on the pill
He also then told me i could go on a "stronger" pill next time if i wanted to. I didnt even know there was 'stronger' ones!!!! But apparently mine was a low dosage one or something like that, and i never even knew about it!!!
I was told to take it at the same time every day, otherwise it would not be effective... i took it every morning when i woke up... so it was always within a one hour period, and the doctor said that was fine...
i dont know how mine went wrong... but i dont care anymore, i have a beautiful blessing awaiting arrival in my belly now :kiss:
Hi to all who answered to this thread, i think that it is me who is the culprit here.i just want you all to know that while i feel bad about what i did i had reasons and i feel i am being judged as i have read all of your views on this. my dp and i have talked this through yes i did come clean about it and he is now excited about ttc#2. how would yo all feel if your hubby did not want another child and you were coming close to early menopause or found it hard to fall pregnant? my dp did want another baby but wanted to wait and i just couldn"t wait for that reason. thanks for reading i hope that you all understand why and i wasn't trying to betray my dp in any way.
FourAngelKisses
24-08-2006, 06:57
He also then told me i could go on a "stronger" pill next time if i wanted to. I didnt even know there was 'stronger' ones!!!! But apparently mine was a low dosage one or something like that, and i never even knew about it!!!
You and me both. I found out mine was low dose when my pill baby turned 2.
Hi to all who answered to this thread, i think that it is me who is the culprit here.i just want you all to know that while i feel bad about what i did i had reasons and i feel i am being judged as i have read all of your views on this. my dp and i have talked this through yes i did come clean about it and he is now excited about ttc#2. how would yo all feel if your hubby did not want another child and you were coming close to early menopause or found it hard to fall pregnant? my dp did want another baby but wanted to wait and i just couldn"t wait for that reason. thanks for reading i hope that you all understand why and i wasn't trying to betray my dp in any way.
How would you feel if you did not want another child ever and your DP got you pg? I know if DP got me pg when I didn't want to be (we use condoms so he could just put a pin hole in them..I can't take the pill) I would be absolutely furious and it would be the end of us.
I have seen parents convince their partner's into 'one more baby' and because that person didn't really want it they do treat them differently.
It's not fair on the child. A child is for life, not just a year or two and it's a huge ask.
My dad always wanted another baby, my mum didn't. She was satisfied with two. They only have two.
You're lucky it worked out well for you, it doesn't for everybody that does it, if you go back to the beginning you'll see how well :rolleyes: it worked out for my cousin and his ex girlfriend.
Yes, if you have sex you are risking falling pg, no matter how much contraception you use but there is a huge difference between a true accident and someone deceiving the other person (like throwing birth control pills down the sink and telling their partner they are taking them.)
To deliberately fall pg knowing that the other person does not want a baby is wrong wrong wrong. I don't care how much of a sob story there is behind the reason, it's wrong and I will never ever do it and would never tell someone it's ok to do it cause it's not.
To Trina73
My heart goes out to you and thank you for putting yourself on the line. How does the saying go...don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes (?). Everyone is entitled to an opinion and no one is saying we all have to agree. Its wonderful that so many ppl on here have partners who either agree with their choices about if/when/how many chn to have or just go along with the 'plans' that we make. Not all of us are so fortunate.
Good luck and I hope everything goes well for you this time around.
:hugs: :kiss:
FourAngelKisses
24-08-2006, 14:49
To Trina73
My heart goes out to you and thank you for putting yourself on the line. How does the saying go...don't judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes (?). Everyone is entitled to an opinion and no one is saying we all have to agree. Its wonderful that so many ppl on here have partners who either agree with their choices about if/when/how many chn to have or just go along with the 'plans' that we make. Not all of us are so fortunate.
Good luck and I hope everything goes well for you this time around.
:hugs: :kiss:
I agree. :)
SassyMummy
24-08-2006, 15:25
Thanks Trina - thanks for being brave and honest in this thread.
I didn't actually expect anyone in a situation similar to yours to reply to this thread when I made it...I understood that you'd probably feel judged and such by other members.
I don't judge you. You did what you felt you had to do. I respect that...I understand that it would be a horrible situation to be put in...and I can understand that you had reason to do what you did.
Thanks so much for having the courage to reply to this thread.
----
In regards to the pill's effectiveness...I got those statistics from a sex-ed class in high school...around the 1999-ish. I remembered thinking that...and recently, my friend who works in a pharmacy, asked the pharmacist, and he agreed with those statistics.
However, upon looking it up on google, most websites claimed it was 95% accurate (based on typical usage).
Mischief
24-08-2006, 16:06
Trina - I think you are really brave for sharing your story! :hugs:
I still dont agree with deliberately getting pregnant without your partners consent, but I guess I can understand why some women would and do!
Kiwigirlinoz
24-08-2006, 22:15
Hi all
Just another angle- if our community actualyl really valued kids, babies and mothering and good fathering then wouldn't it be great not to have to convince our men to agree? I get really sick of the media etc blaming low birth rates on women (we're all too busy, career oriented and out shopping apparently) when in reality often the number 1 obstacle to having babies or more babies is the attitude of our men and the fact blokes don't get recognised for being great dads. I think we should encourage every man in our lives to consider how they can help make the world a better place by being great Dads. And we should respect those who do it. And bring up our boys to want to be Dads..Maybe the next generation of women won't need to deceive their partners!Call me an idealist why doncha?
there were 20 people that voted YES!
trina is one, im another. where are the other 18 ??
i did trick my dp into dd2 and i even went as far as to read up on the shettles method before hand to have a girl.
Hi all
Just another angle- if our community actualyl really valued kids, babies and mothering and good fathering then wouldn't it be great not to have to convince our men to agree? I get really sick of the media etc blaming low birth rates on women (we're all too busy, career oriented and out shopping apparently) when in reality often the number 1 obstacle to having babies or more babies is the attitude of our men and the fact blokes don't get recognised for being great dads. I think we should encourage every man in our lives to consider how they can help make the world a better place by being great Dads. And we should respect those who do it. And bring up our boys to want to be Dads..Maybe the next generation of women won't need to deceive their partners!Call me an idealist why doncha?
Here Here!!! Our generation seems to have put so much pressure on everyone to have it ALL now so men/dads feel that the more children they have, the harder it is for them to provide. Family is more important than material possessions. Why do so many seem to perpetuate the 'keeping up with the Jones' mentality. If this wansn't the case, then may be more men would agree to having bigger families and we wouldn't find this discussion necessary.
:yes:
there were 20 people that voted YES!
trina is one, im another. where are the other 18 ??
i did trick my dp into dd2 and i even went as far as to read up on the shettles method before hand to have a girl.
Dies he know now that you 'tricked' him? What was his reaction when he found our you were pg?
i had a go at ttc without dh knowing, i just 'forgot' to take a few pills here and there, but it didn't do any good. but now i'm preg and dh definately knew this time.
Dies he know now that you 'tricked' him? What was his reaction when he found our you were pg?
no, he doesnt know. i have no reason to tell him now.
- the issue was him wanting us to wait to have more - not him never wanting more kids.
we are now expecting no.4 and we talked at great length about this one before ttc- but i still "tricked him" by avoiding ttc after i had ovulated so as to greater my chance of a girl. he wants a boy.
Yasmeena
25-08-2006, 16:31
This happened to my BIL. The B**ch he was with did the "oh I can't fall pregnant" line and he was stupid enough to fall for it. She dumped him when she made the 12 week mark. She is now causing all sorts of problems for him and he can only have supervised visits 2 hours a week!! His daughter was born with a cleft pallet and lip so she is tube fed etc so it is hard for him to get her over weekends etc. His ex has even told mutual friends of theirs that she only used him to get pregnant.
Both parents are responsible for pregnancy. Whether your BIL is stupid or not, it is his responsibility to ensure adequate contraception. I wouldn't consider your BIL to have been 'tricked' as such, but rather, ignorant and possibly naivé.
Call me a woman's libber but the fact of the matter is that there are no tricked pregnancies, if you have sex with someone then there is chance (small as it may be) that it will result in conception. At the end of the day, condoms and the pill aren't foolproof (I know several women who have conceived while on the pill) and I am sure that there are countless men who go around telling people that they were 'tricked' - well, not unless she knocked him unconscious and inserted his penis into her vagina.
That said, to try and fall pregant deliberately without my husbands support isn't something I could imagine myself doing..I don't have to though, I usually get what I want :D
very true shellfish :yelclap: it's time that women stopped receiving all the blame as well as the responsibility for unwanted or surprise pregnancy.
Any act of sexual intercourse may result in a child, no contraception is 100% foolproof (excepting hysterectomies or castration)
I would:laughing: cause i know my dh loves our babies and if i had another even without him knowing i'd been off contraception he'de still love his baby no matter how it came to be here. i'd even :Dsay he tricked me with our 1st as he told me he culdnt have babies so i thought wahoo no worries lets go baby:D! HA HA i was wrong or maybe i was just young and nieve. Glad he did tho! Luv me boyz!
SweetDreams
26-08-2006, 12:21
Okies my 2 cents is that if you want kids and your partner doesn't (or vice versa) then you're with the wrong partner. Simple as that. Babies should be wanted equally by both parents.
Changing minds after having one or making a more formal/legal commitment isn't nice to the one wanting/not wanting but you still have the choice of leaving and finding another person who does want (more) kids. It's not just a case of put up and shut up if you want more kids and your partner doesn't!
One party will just end up resenting the other if they feel forced to give in. Just because in some cases the not-wanting parent ends up in love with their baby doesn't lessen the fact that trust has been breached and whilst your partner may stick around, in a lot of these scenarios the child may have 2 loving parents towards them but still have emotionally divorced parents towards each other.
As I said, my 2 cents.
SassyMummy
26-08-2006, 15:16
I understand your point SweetDreams, but I don't think it's as easy as that. People aren't with their partners because it's practical...a lot of the time, people are together because they LIKE being together. Therefore, to say you should just find another partner is a bit ridiculous IMO...because whether or not someone wants as many kids as you do doesn't really mean that two people are compatible (or not compatible if they disagree).
I love to spend time with my DP...I love him. That doesn't mean he does everything I want him to do...and it certainly doesn't mean we agree on everything. In fact, I'm pretty sure we disagree more than agree. Still, just because he doesn't want the same things as I do doesn't mean I'm going to leave him...because it's just not that simple.
I think it also gets a lot more complicated once you already have a child to that person. Finding a partner when you already have a child (especially when you're youngish) is a lot more difficult than finding a partner if you were childless... and breaking up with someone is a lot more difficult if a child is involved. I'm not saying you have to stick around "for the kids"...but it does certainly add a new dimension to the whole equation...
SamanthaJane
26-08-2006, 17:32
I agree with you SassyMummy :yes:
I respect your point Sweetdreams, but in my opinion its a bit too black and white... but like i said, thats just my opinion :)
I first said no i would never do that... but then now i think... what if in 5-10 years time im still with my dp and he up and decides nup sorry NO more kids, ever! ... i think i'd be very tempted to TTC, doesnt mean I WOULD but i'd be lying if i said the thought would "never" come into my mind... :o
SweetDreams
27-08-2006, 11:31
In the case of one wanting and the other not well prior to kids being involved then it's easier to walk away then yes.
When kids are involved as I think another poster said the one wanting kids (or more kids) is usually the one who misses out. The point I'm trying to make is that deceit of any kind is just going to take you down a road lined with trouble and there are definitely instances where it's better for kids if their parents are divorced than to grow up thinking a dysfunctional relationship is "normal".
I am black and white on this topic because it is a definite deal breaker for me. I would not stay with anyone who didn't want kids (or more kids). I know I am lucky in that my partner and I both always wanted kids and now we have our first we know this was right and there will be more to come(!).
The partner not wanting kids MIGHT do a complete 360 after the birth but just as like they might NOT. Then the child suffers for the selfishness of a parent. That's my concern. The child is innocent and all the possible future esteem issues... why doesn't Daddy love me????? I say Daddy because if it is the Mummy not wanting kids then it depends on her views on abortion as to whether the child is even born.
Nagging until one person gives in will cause resentment as well. I believe another poster also mentioned this.
I'm not here trying to attack anyone but I really feel that a child is one of the most beautiful gifts you can receive and if not received with the joy and wonder of how marvellous it is by both parents then surely you're just cheating yourself too?
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