help!

[kas3]

I seem to be up and down like a yo yo. Some days I'm ok. But other days are so bad I just want to run away. I asked my GP if he could recommend a counsellor and he just said that all of them would be able to help with prenatal depression as it is quite common. But I have no idea who to go to! There seems to be plenty of practitioners in Brisbane, even support groups. But I live in Rockhampton and I can't find anything. I had trouble after my DS was born, and the CHN recommended I see this lady, who was really nice, but she was an 'Early Parenting Specialist', so was more focused on my parenting (which is fine) rather than my mood etc (which is not). God, this is such a ramble. I just don't know where to go from here. I'm ok today, but I've just come out of a bad two days and I know it will come back.

[kas3]

Please help me. I thought I was ok today. But I've hit the wall again.

[CookiesRYum]

hey sweety i don't have kids but wanted to send you a big hug. First off it's great you reached out for help but your dr sounds like a ****. I would call a mental health line or support line. They will let you vent and give you actual options. Also check out the support on here. Many women have there challengers and as tough as it is you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you. I have heard alot of the times it is hormonal given the huge changes you experience during pregnancy birth and parent hood it is hardly surprising. Is your child safe? Do you have a friend family member or even neighbour that can come over and watch them while you take a break and make some calls. Xoxo

[CookiesRYum]

the beyond blue emergency depression line is 1300 224 636 xoxo

[kas3]

Thanks :) Yes, my DS is fine. He's the only thing I seem to be able to get right lately, which is a positive I guess. My DH is home, but asleep. He stayed up late doing things on the computer. I can't talk to him. Whenever I try, he tells me we have a perfect life and my feelings aren't real, that it's the "depression talking" so to speak. Which logically I know is probably true, but doesn't help me actually get through it. I love my family but all I want to do right now is run away from them all. I've had enough.

[CookiesRYum]

Hey Kas

I do hear what you are saying - a few months ago I came to the realisation that I had depression. For me it was a combination of childhood crap and a misscarriage.

I knew intellectually it was the 'depression' and not my normal every day thoughts - but it didn't help me not think or feel them - KWIM?

For me I was very frustrated with myself because on the surface my life was going great (well except for misscarriage) but you know lovely family, husband, good jobs, nice house BLAH BLAH.. but I still felt DOWN, TIRED, NOT ME and worst of all kinda HELPLESS - didn't see much point to anything if things where 'this good' on the outside and I still wasn't feeling it...???

Anyways, I spoke to my dr - who unlike your dr gave me a list of a few ppl he recommended. I call them; I think 3 altogether and then picked the one that I was most comfortable with.

I have been seeing her like I said for a couple of months. I never forget the first meeting she explained it to me like this; that life was a stage I can and do whatever I want (within reason) that makes me (performer) and the world (audience) happy, entertained etc. Depression (whatever type or trigger) is like the black curtain gets pulled down. The real you is still standing on the stage but cannot interact with the world, cannot see the world and the world can't see you. All you can see is the big black curtain of depression. You would love to move the curtain, but you don't even know how it got there and your aren't trained to operate it. Unless you have been trained to operate the pooley system or their is someone who can operate it for you, you probably won't be able to operate it effectely on your own. You may have moments where you bypass the opeartions instructions and manually lift the curtain up and peek through, but eventually the curtain will fall back down because it has not been operated correctly. Worse still the act of lifting it manually without the proper skills and support has drained what little energy you had and now you are feeling even worse then you did before.

She told me that her job is the curtain operator. She has all the skills, she is trained to understand the curtain - how and why it works, and most importantly how to remove the curtain on a permanent basis using the appropriate methods. She said that is not MY JOB to remove the curtain, it is my job to work with her so SHE AND I can both understand why it was there to begin with.

I don't know if that makes any sense to you - prob not - but for me it was an A HAH moment! Like I was STILL ME, but I was just blocked by this THING (depression). I didn't have to CHANGE me, I had to REMOVE the depression and let the REAL ME that is ALREADY there free...

As much as my husband or friends may have wanted to help or as much as I wanted to just wake up and be ok, for me it wasn't really a possiblity. I needed (and still need) my shrinks help and skill to remove this curtain.

[kas3]

That makes heaps of sense. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 19. And put on anti-depressants. I'm now 34 and I don't feel like I've made any progress with learning how to deal with this thing. I've been to a few counselors and one psychologist over the years but nothing beyond a month or two.

[kas3]

Well I went and saw another gp and she gave me a referral to a psychologist. Hope it makes a difference...

[halloweenmum]

Hi Kas,
I live in Emu Park. I suffered prenantal depression during this pregnancy. When I booked into the hospital I mentioned it to the midwife and she advised she could put me in touch with someone, but I never took her up on it. That was at the Mater Private in Rocky. Maybe try phoning them and asking who they use?

[Shanaynay]

Hey kas, when is your appointment?
If you feel after your appt that you don't really click with the counsellor and you don't think sessions with them will help, try another.
Just have a look in the yellow pages, or start a thread here in bubhub in your geographic area asking for recommendations?

And do give it a couple of sessions to give it a chance at 'working'

good luck, lifelong depression sucks. But it doesn't have to be SO bad, ALL the time. Hugs.

[D&M]

Just wanted to say that I know how you feel, everytime I think I am going ok... Bam I'm down again! I have been battling depression since I was about 15 and it's still not getting any better deapite medication and counsilling. My husband doesn't really understand how I feel either so I feel somewhat alone. Sending you hugs!

If you wanna chat PM me anytime

[kas3]

Thanks guys. I tried making an appt with the psych my gp recommended but she wasn't available. Will try again next week. Today hasn't been so bad.

[kas3]

Well I did have appt for yesterday but I had to cancel to go to a funeral. So I couldn't get in again until June 3. Hope I'm ok til then. I feel pretty awful, but I think it's more lack of sleep than anything - DS had temperatures last night.

[kas3]

So sick of everything and the day has only just begun. No energy for anything. DS has been up since 4:30am. God I hate my life right now.

[Izy]

:hugs:hon, lack of sleep and crying makes everything worse, and after yesterdays funeral and canceled sesson on top of that i'm not surprised you're having a down day. Perhaps call beyond blue for a chat?

[kas3]

Thanks Izy. Things got worse for a bit there and then got better. DS is just really unhappy today and I'm not sure why. No temps or anything, just crying about everything.

[kas3]

I had my first appt with my psych yesterday. Basically it was just me giving her all my history. It was so exhausting. Rehashing all that old stuff. Then I went to a memorial for early pregnancy loss. There was some kind of mix up and the chaplain thought it had been canceled. The memorial gardens people called her and she came in straight away. She was lovely. While we waited, the four ladies (including me) had a nice chat. We gave the chaplain our details and she said she would be in touch. All in all a very tiring day. Very emotional.

[Izy]

sounds as though it would have been veryvery draining, but certainly a step of healing. :hugs:
You are so strong for finding the help you need. :goodvibes:

[CookiesRYum]

yes it's exhausting but at the same time nice to purge. How did you click with councellor?

[kas3]

I don't think I can keep going. I am so sick of my life. The only reason I'm still here is that I'm carrying my baby. I don't see any point in living anymore. I try but I'm obviously not trying hard enough. There's no one I can talk to. My next psyc appt is not until next month (she's on holidays). I can't stop crying. No one seems to hear me. My son can't go to daycare today as his viral rash has come back, so it means I can't go to work and it is my only relief from all this. And I can't get into our gp until midday so I'm not even sure if he will be able to go to daycare at all this week. I feel like I'm going mad. My DH keeps saying that it isn't that bad and I'm starting to resent him for it. It might not be that bad for him but it is for me, and I just can't seem to get that through to him. I feel so alone and trapped. What this hell is the point of struggling like this when I don't seem to like anything anymore.

[Izy]

Oh Kas. This sounds like really serious depression and your hubby needs to understand that this is not something as simple as 'dealing' with things.

What you are feeling is not bizarre. You are not alone, but at the same time you don't need to feel this way. Please be careful not to downplay this when you see your doctor. Maybe take in a transcript of this thread, or any other journals or diary's you've been writing in.

[Sharai]

Hi Kas, sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time, I completely understand how you're feeling.((HUGS))

I rang Pregnancy Counselling Link ( they are in queensland) and a lady on there rings me every few days to check on me or I think you can do face to face there too. PANDA is also another place to contact.

[naebie]

Kas, just want to offer you some :hugs:
I really feel for you, I have been going through a lot lately too, but from the sound of things you are having a rough trot.

[kas3]

Thanks everyone. I'm feeling much better today. (Weird, cos DS kept waking up all night and this usually sends me into a downward spiral.)

When I met DH for lunch yesterday, he said he'd like to look into taking parental leave instead of me (we work at the same place.) He knows how much going to work helps me depression-wise (I only work three days a week) and that this has been what's worrying me most about having this bub in October - another twelve months of being home alone. (DH is adamant he wants one of us to stay at home with B2 for twelve months - same as what we did with DS.)

So we're going to see HR and what our options are. We both have long service due so we were planning on taking that for the last three months of this year. But instead of DH going back to work in January, we'll be looking at me going back instead.

I feel a little bit guilty, like I'm 'dumping' my baby or something. But I'm trying to think rationally about this. Firstly, I'm not going back full-time, so I will still have four full days with my baby. Secondly, he'll be with his daddy, and his daddy actually WANTS to stay at home (he would have done it with DS but I really wanted to.) Thirdly, I'm a much better mum when I feel positive about life, I have more energy and can give my kids the love/care/attention that they deserve.

I hope we can work this out :fingerscrossed:

[kas3]

Sorry, forgot to mention that my DS does not have a viral rash anymore. Turns out he's got a skin sensitivity. So more medicine and another gp visit this Friday. But on a positive note, it means he can go to daycare (which he loves) because it's not contagious, and I can go to work for my 'time out' :)

[naebie]

Its great to hear you are feeling better, Kas, and that C can go to daycare :)
If it makes you feel any better- even though we're not pregnant or TTC I'm going back to work when/ if we have the next bub. Like you say, I know that DP would want to stay home, whereas I get to the stage where staying at home is a chore, and I don't look forward to our days home alone... As you say, you'll only be going back part time, which would mean you spend the bulk of the week with your new bub.
:hugs: