venting...

[mrsc84]

I just need to vent....

I had a playdate earlier in the week with a "friend" and her two girls, and a good friend of mine and her two boys and myself and my two boys. My eldest being in the middle of an ASD diagnosis (veeeeeerrrry drawn out process but he is in therapy etc etc).

This "friend" has never made much of an effort to be sensitive towards this (actually going as far as telling me a few months back at least an ASD isnt life threatening like cancer) and her eldest is petrified of my son, screams at the top of her lungs if he goes anywhere near her.

I was apprehensive about taking my two to this playdate, but I thought we'll give it a go and if my son doesn't respond well we'd leave.

As soon as I get there, he went nuts, into everything, bowling the other kids over, tackling them to the ground, covering every inch square of the house and generally picking up on not being welcome. This "friend" asks me out right if we know whats happening yet, I didn't want to get into the big explanation so just said no and it'd be another 6 months probably (what the paed says). Then she says "so do they know if its autism" but says it in a way like " what the hell is wrong with that kid" then we go outside and my son jumps all over the dog (which I try to stop) and then I hear her say to her daughter " no he wont get you, he is over there with the dog". Then we are back inside and she throws a ball past my boy and says to him "go fetch" . I left after that, taking him to the car in the driveway first and he instantly settled down when he was in his car seat cuddling his drink bottle like he likes. My youngest was still in the house as I couldn't wrangle them both and I must not have latched the door properly because he tried to walk out of the door and tumbled over (has only just started walking) and he cried, I then quickly said my goodbyes and got out of there.

She also asked how he was going at childcare (he goes two days a week and has a special aide), I said really good and she looked as if that was impossible!

I knew as soon as I walked out, she was going to talk behind my back but I wasnt too worried as I knew my good friend would change the subject quickly.

It turns out she did, she said she "feels sorry for me" and then asked my friend if there has been a diagnosis yet!!!! She also new my youngest had hurt himself but told my good friend he hadn't and was just crying because I was at the car.

First of all, I dont want ANYONE to feel sorry for me. That is my child she is talking about. I don't feel sorry for me, I have a beautiful, unique child who is very loving who just happens to be a little boisterous and quirky! He reponds much better to positive vibes and has been pretty much acting out all week since the playdate.

I have decided she is not a friend and to never see her again. She makes me feel embarrased and uncomfortable just because she is an ignoramus.

I have been depressed all week so both him and I are feeling the effects still from that measley hour spent at her house.

Sorry for the novel just needed to get that out!!!! Thanks

[Solarberry]

If someone has never had an experience with a child with any special need, its very hard for that person to fully understand.

Maybe you should have sat down and talked to her about what is going on with your son. It came across that she was interested in knowing whats happening with your son's development but you answered with a closed answer. How can anyone understand the needs and daily life of someone with a special needs child if you are not willing to share the warts and all of it??

Anyway, I hope you sort it all out :)

[Mum2Mimi]

:hugs: i couldnt read with out posting

i dont think she ment to upset/offend you by saying she feels sorry for you,i know that would be frusterating for somebody in your position to hear as he is your beautiful boy just like anybody child they love and adore their child no matter what issues/special needs the child may or may not have, i think by her saying she feels "sorry" for you is her way of saying it must be difficult at times for you and because she cant fully understand it and probally never will as she is not in the position, i dont think she means, oh i feel sorry for that woman to have a child like that as i sure as hell wouldnt i think she just means it must be so tiring for you and her way of trying to give sympathy or something iykwim regardless its very tacky :rolleyes:

i think if she is a person you once considered a close friend, rather then throwing it all way try talking to her about your feelings and how what she says effects you as she may not be aware and sounds a tad iggnorant but if she is just an aquaintence pfft u dont need people like that around adding more stress to your daily life hun :hugs:

[crazymuma]

I think you really should think about this a little more.

First off how is she supposed to understand if you don't talk to her about it. She was showing interest in your child/your life and you brushed her aside.

Second it is impossible for someone who hasn't dealt with SN kids to understand their behaviours or how to deal with them.

The fact that she has a child that fears yours makes me wonder if she is just over the top as her priority is to keep her child safe. Perhaps she is holding out for his diagnosis in the hopes that his behaviour will change. You might need to explain that his behaviour won't change overnight once he gets it.

As for feeling sorry for you - why is this a bad thing?? My nephew is autistic and alot like your child and hell yes I feel sorry for my sister. She can't enjoy something like friends getting together for coffee the way that I can. Her life is a constant wirlwind of doctors, specialists, problems with the school etc etc. I love my nephew and have spent alot of time with him but even I have moments where I laugh and ask my sister if she has any sedatives for him as even after all the time I have spent with him I still don't quite understand it as he is not my child. I have moments of anger when my children are screaming in fear of him that I get cranky and demand to know why she hasn't medicated him (eg the day her son tried to stab my 3 year old with a knife :()

As for the "so do they know if its autism' you have to understand that to someone who knows nothing alot of ASD kids will just appear to be naughty or a result of bad parenting. Maybe by talking to her about where you are at in his diagnosis will just continually remind her that there is a problem he isn't just naughty.


From the sounds of your post it seems that maybe you are just trying to find her 'picking on your child' - maybe ask yourself why that is.

[~BEXTER~]

People who don't have SN kids just don't understand I am afraid, everyone in my family has said to me on more then one occasion 'I don't know how you do it'

I know they are trying to be nice and it is meant to be a compliment, but what am I meant to do, give Keiara up??

Keiara is the only child I have I don't know what it is like to not have a special needs child.

When I go to my friends house she just does not understand why Keiara does the things she does, so I try to go there as little as I can.

When people ask me about Keiara I explain to them what they want to know, it helps them a little to understand why Keiara does things and how they can treat her to help.

Maybe just cut your friend a little slack and sit her down one day and explain it all?

[crazymuma]

People who don't have SN kids just don't understand I am afraid, everyone in my family has said to me on more then one occasion 'I don't know how you do it'

I know they are trying to be nice and it is meant to be a compliment, but what am I meant to do, give Keiara up??

Keiara is the only child I have I don't know what it is like to not have a special needs child.

When I go to my friends house she just does not understand why Keiara does the things she does, so I try to go there as little as I can.

When people ask me about Keiara I explain to them what they want to know, it helps them a little to understand why Keiara does things and how they can treat her to help.

Maybe just cut your friend a little slack and sit her down one day and explain it all?


I say to my sister quite often "I don't know how you do it" - its said with nothing but respect for what she goes through every day and how much she misses out on.

[~BEXTER~]

I say to my sister quite often "I don't know how you do it" - its said with nothing but respect for what she goes through every day and how much she misses out on.

I know it is said in a nice way, but when I am having a bad day and not coping and they say it, it annoys me because really what am I meant to do, you have to do it, no one else will, none of my family will babysit for me to give me time off, so it all comes down to me.

But I do know it is said in a nice way and most times it doesn't bother me

[melbryan]

I have a friend just like you who has an aspergers child. It is very hard for her and I have the utmost respect for her. SHe is very proactive and has occupational therapists helping her manage him, goes to parenting classes these types of children in my opinion she does the best to help her child. She also has 2 other children. I am a very tolerant person and know that he may hit my kids and lashes out alot because of his condition it is really not his fault I am there to help him but it pretty frightening to expose my kids to that but I do because he needs to leanr to be social which is his biggest problem how can he learn until he is around others???. I often google for things and try and help out we have some playdates as I know she needs to feel a bit of normality.
I feel sorry for her cause she doesn't get invited anywhere with her kids. If you are feeling overwhelmed join a group with similar kids, then you may not feel so alone. People don't understand because they don't have SN child.
One of my 4 kids is chronically ill but if I said I will never let him attend another birthday party because he could get sick that wouldn't be fair to him or my other kids so we go and we do the best we can. You do feel alienated at the best of times but it is up to you/me to get out there amongst it as much as we can to give our kids normality. As a mum we do the best we can and if our closest friends can't help us and be a little understanding they weren't really our friends to begin with......
:hugs:

[melbryan]

I know it is said in a nice way, but when I am having a bad day and not coping and they say it, it annoys me because really what am I meant to do, you have to do it, no one else will, none of my family will babysit for me to give me time off, so it all comes down to me.

But I do know it is said in a nice way and most times it doesn't bother me

I hope you are able to find someone who may help you and give you a break. I too have no one to look after Ds3 cause they are scared he will die in their care not my mum nor my mother in law. Two people have stepped up an old babysitter of mine and my AUnty I am forever grateful. It's makes a world of difference when you can walk away feel confident in someone looking after your pride and joy so you can go away and recharge, everyone needs this.
There is a group called mytime they offer advice for people in your/my position. Google it.

[Prickle]

Hi there, this is probably not what you want to hear but for me when my oldest was young (he's 20 now) because of his behavioural and social issues I got that way I never went to anyone's house. I found it easier to have all play dates at my own home, that way he was in familiar surroundings and could 'calm down' in his own room if things got out of control. I know for my son anywhere new was like input overload and he'd go troppo, it was just easier for both of us at home.

[mrsc84]

Hi ladies,

I really don't think I explained it properly. It was the WAY she said it, not what she said. It was like she was scruitnising it the whole way and my other friend picked up on it so I know it was not just in my head.

I am very open to people who are genuinely interested but she was not.

And to 'go fetch' who says that?!

I answered with a closed answer because this is the same woman who checks up peoples birth dates and wages at work so she has something to gossip about. And when she told my friend she felt sorry for me it was more of a ' i feel sorry for her because she has a child like that'

I chose to take offence and will continue to.

I'm going to my time very shortly and play connect :)

[mrsc84]

:hugs:

i think if she is a person you once considered a close friend, rather then throwing it all way try talking to her about your feelings and how what she says effects you as she may not be aware and sounds a tad iggnorant but if she is just an aquaintence pfft u dont need people like that around adding more stress to your daily life hun :hugs:

Thanks thats how I feel too. She really was just an accquaintance because she hates to be in public with me we have only known each other a few months so no point in seeing her again! :)

[mrsc84]

I think you really should think about this a little more.

First off how is she supposed to understand if you don't talk to her about it. She was showing interest in your child/your life and you brushed her aside.

Second it is impossible for someone who hasn't dealt with SN kids to understand their behaviours or how to deal with them.

The fact that she has a child that fears yours makes me wonder if she is just over the top as her priority is to keep her child safe. Perhaps she is holding out for his diagnosis in the hopes that his behaviour will change. You might need to explain that his behaviour won't change overnight once he gets it.

As for feeling sorry for you - why is this a bad thing?? My nephew is autistic and alot like your child and hell yes I feel sorry for my sister. She can't enjoy something like friends getting together for coffee the way that I can. Her life is a constant wirlwind of doctors, specialists, problems with the school etc etc. I love my nephew and have spent alot of time with him but even I have moments where I laugh and ask my sister if she has any sedatives for him as even after all the time I have spent with him I still don't quite understand it as he is not my child. I have moments of anger when my children are screaming in fear of him that I get cranky and demand to know why she hasn't medicated him (eg the day her son tried to stab my 3 year old with a knife :()

As for the "so do they know if its autism' you have to understand that to someone who knows nothing alot of ASD kids will just appear to be naughty or a result of bad parenting. Maybe by talking to her about where you are at in his diagnosis will just continually remind her that there is a problem he isn't just naughty.


From the sounds of your post it seems that maybe you are just trying to find her 'picking on your child' - maybe ask yourself why that is.

I am definitely not doing that. I was not the only one in the room and not the only one that found her offensive. Bur thanks for making me feel even more depressed cos you know its my issue not anyone elses!

[crazymuma]

I am definitely not doing that. I was not the only one in the room and not the only one that found her offensive. Bur thanks for making me feel even more depressed cos you know its my issue not anyone elses!


Hey it wasn't meant to make you feel bad at all - I just know myself when it comes to my kids its easy to take offence without stopping and thinking of where the other person was coming from.

You are right - you were there. I didn't hear it or know any of you so I can only respond to what I am reading. I was giving you the other side of it but obviously you don't want to hear that.

If she has upset you this much though you really do need to cut her from your life.

If

[MermaidSister]

If i had a friend with a child like yours (sorry i hope that doesn't offend, i just mean a child pending diagnosis of a behavioural disorder) I like to think i would continue showing support to her simply as a mother and try to keep things as "normal" as possible by NOT making a big deal out of it if he behaved significantly differently to the others or whatever.

She is showing her own children that it's okay to marginalise people and that there is something "wrong" with anyone different to herself in any way. Breeding ignorance for the future generation. I would cut her off and not look back.

[mrsc84]

No I know Crazymama I get what you're meaning.

That is exactly it Mystics, the other friend that was there I see at least once a week with all the kids and she warns hers out each time before they meet with us just to prepare them and remind them DS1 is a little bit different and it seems to work well, sometimes my ds still manages to upset her older one but its usually forgotten pretty quickly.

It not only benefits my children but hers if she was to talk about with hers, to help them be patient and understanding.