I feel guilty and hopeless...

[dboo]

I wasn't sure whether to put this in the bottle or breastfeeding section...I hope I don't offend anyone. Please move if necessary.
Some background: My boy is 8 weeks old. I live overseas at the moment. Before giving birth I didn't know anything about breastfeeding or bother to find out because I assumed it would all come naturally.
Well, DS was born in the afternoon. I never had a chance to feed him until the next morning. In the hiospital it was the done thing that baby sucks on the boob for a while at feeding time and the midwives weigh them with the atomic scales and decide whether they need some formula as a top up. I never questioned anything because I DIDN'T KNOW. I would have had other choices if I had asked but I am such an idiot for not doing my research. My milk came in fine, but when I went home 3 days later I tried to exclusively bf. I found I could not satisfy bub. He was sucking constantly for about a week, I mean constantly - we were both tired, crying and angry. As soon as the boob wasn't in his mouth he would cry. I just wasn't satisfying him. After a week, out of desperation and for the sake of my sanity, I gave him some formula. He stopped crying and slept.
Since then, I've been doing the following. Hand expressing about 200ml a day (pump doesn't work). I freeze 100ml because I went back to work a week ago and want MIL to give him the ebm when I'm at work. I feed him the other 100ml before bed with some formula. He sucks a little during the day but it doesn't make him full. Even if I give him 240ml of ebm at one time, he gulps it down and is STILL starving...will go on to drink another 120ml of formula!!! He also vomits a lot more from bm.
I contacted La Leche League and hired a lactation consultant. Both just said you have to keep at it and if baby has to suck 24hrs, then so be it. I felt horrible and was in tears for not being able to do it. They made me feel awful. My mother is also on my case and I am cranky because she had the SAME problem with me and gave up soon to ff me. She then had no probs bf'ing my little sister.
Now I am back at work p/t I have no chance of fully relactating and am OK with that. I just don't know whether to give up the expressing and ff full-time or not. My boobs are bruised and my fingers ache from the expressing, but people tell me ANY breast milk is better than none....really? Even 150ml or so a day? Is it really worth it? I am SO disappointed that I can't bf full-time and think I will feel like a failure as a mother if I ff full-time. (BTW, I don't think that about other mothers who ff full-time.) I can continue with what I'm doing now and like the closeness of bf'ing, but every time I express and every time bubs cries from hunger after he's been sucking for half an hour, it reminds me that I can't bf properly and I want to cry.:(

[MamaBleech]

Firstly, :hugs: Those early weeks are really hard and I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

It is totally possible to build up your supply, look into fenugreek and lactation cookies. Make sure you keep well hydrated and as much as possible relax to help your let down.

Unfortunately, the LC is right the biggest help will be to let bub suck, suck and suck. Preferably with lots of skin to skin to promote those lovely breastfeeding hormones.

Adoptive mums have been known to breastfeed so it is definitely possible :yes:

Please don't think that bub is crying all the time ONLY because he is dissatisfied. I don't think I moved from the couch for the first 6 weeks or so because the comfort and security (and nutrients) that breastfeeding can provide just make your bubba want to be close to you :goodvibes:

It will take perserverance but it is the best thing for your baby. PM if you want and I can send you links for loads of great info.

Hang in there, it does get easier. :)

[dboo]

Thanks for the answer. Unfortunately I HAVE to work so I can't bf full-tme now.
Besides, the mental toll it exacted on me cannot be good for bub. I also need SOME sleep and to bf 24hrs was of course becoming dangerous for mine and bubs safety.
So, my question is still whether it is worth it to keep expressing the 200ml or so a day.

[MamaBleech]

Yes I personally believe that some breastmilk is better than none due to the enzymes, nutrients and immunity benefits.

[Gabi]

:hugs:It's not your fault that this has happened, please don't feel guilty. It sounds like you are doing it tough at the moment.

What do you feel you would like to do at this stage? It seems to me that you can try to up the amount of BF Baby takes, keep on as you are, or switch totally to formula. All three of these options are good options for your baby. I think it would be a good idea to make a decision one way or the other and then be at peace with that decision. There are emotional hurdles no matter which way you turn.

My first son had a weak latch, was sleepy and was almost constantly attached, I also found a pump completely ineffective at that time (nothing came out). My second son takes a bottle of EBM while I'm away, is a spewy baby, and I can now pump. So I know you didn't ask for advice, but I have some suggestions which may help with whatever you decide is best in your situation.

For Breastfeeding:
* I know the LC and LLL said keeping baby at the breast will help (and it will boost supply), BUT sometimes it can also be helpful to take Baby off for a while. It allows your breast to fill with some nice hind milk which is filling for Baby. So perhaps let Baby have a good long suck, then top up with formula, then three to four hours later offer the breast for that feed.
* Rest is important for supply. I know you are working now, but get your support people on board for the days you are at home over the next few weeks. Get to bed early, have rests during the day etc.
* The ABA sell tube feeders online. The tube loops over your head and you can supplement with formula (or EBM) at the same time as Baby is at the breast. This helps supply because Baby is sucking during each feed but the supplementation will help Baby to space feeds. Perhaps this will help with the emotional side of things as well?
Over time it may be possible to phase out all supplementation if you wish.

For Expressing:
I hear you about the bruised nipples, I express by hand a lot. Ouch!
* Get someone to watch you attach the pump and to check its size compared to your breast and nipple. The right pump can make the world of difference
* They recommend pumping in the mornings for best results, use heat on the breast before you pump, try to do it in the presence of your baby and look at Baby while you do it, and relax relax relax.

For Bottlefeeding:
* Get a Y teat (nice a slow) and try to slow Baby down a bit. It takes a while for babies to work out when they’re full and they can overfeed on the bottle and then spew (my baby does this:rolleyes:).
* make sure the EBM or formula is not too warm (apparently room temp is enough) as this slows things down as well.
* Take breaks from the bottle mid feed and use a dummy for extra sucking just after the feed. Your baby may just be a sucky baby, sucking for comfort and not needing to eat as much as it seems.
* Follow the formula guidelines for how much EBM to feed the baby based on weight. Your expressed milk IS enough for your baby.

[Gabi]

Thanks for the answer. Unfortunately I HAVE to work so I can't bf full-tme now.
Besides, the mental toll it exacted on me cannot be good for bub. I also need SOME sleep and to bf 24hrs was of course becoming dangerous for mine and bubs safety.
So, my question is still whether it is worth it to keep expressing the 200ml or so a day.

Sorry - I posted before I saw this. I don't know the answer.

[c38]

:hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

It sounds like you have done a fantastic job to have persevered this long with very little knowledge and very very little constructive support

What a wonderful start you have given you little man.:yes:

How often do you work. Is it possible to have three or four days where you let him suck suck suck and to have him sleep with you and feed overnight to "catch up" on the days that you work?? As well as take some Fenugeek ?

Yes some breast milk is better then none at all. Even the 100-200ml perday you are providing would be giving him some antibody protection anmd nutrients that no formula company can provide.

However, only you can decide if it's worth the effort and stress. If you don't find it easy to express and are finding yourself resenting the time and effort spent, well....

Don't get me wrong I'm a strong advocate for breastOne thing I wasn;tfeeding and strongly believe that there are very few people who cannot breast feed given a perfect situation of education and support. But we don't live in a perfect world. Happy Mummies and families are important too. It is not your fault that the society we live in, and the lifestyles we lead makes being able to let go and do whatever it takes to establish a supply etc extremely challenging.

One thing I wasn't prepared for as a first time Mum was tha enormous sense of guilt and worry. When in reality all you can do is do your best and enjoy your baby. You obviously want the best for your baby. The fact that you are so worried and feel guilty about maybe not being able to continue with what is the "gold standard" for him given perfect circumstances, means that he already has the best, the best Mum ever .. so no matter what you decide, he will be fine. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Gabi]

The fact that you are so worried and feel guilty about maybe not being able to continue with what is the "gold standard" for him given perfect circumstances, means that he already has the best, the best Mum ever .. so no matter what you decide, he will be fine. Don't be too hard on yourself.
:iagree:

Great post!

[dboo]

Thanks for the kind words. I am allergic to fenugreek so that's out. I am letting him suck a lot on my days off and expressing some while at work. It still doesn't seem to build supply all that much. In the first few weeks I did try letting the milk build up over an hour or two, It worked - supply DID increase, but bub was starving and bawling so much between feeds it was breaking my heart.
I won't feed in bed - I am very close to someone who smothered her baby while doing so. I know it is extremely rare but I don't feel confident.
I think what I am doing now is a good decision for us. I guess I just needed some positive reassurance that i am not a failure for doing as I am now.:o

[dboo]

[ The fact that you are so worried and feel guilty about maybe not being able to continue with what is the "gold standard" for him given perfect circumstances, means that he already has the best, the best Mum ever .. so no matter what you decide, he will be fine. Don't be too hard on yourself.[/QUOTE]

That is so nice. :)
I am trying to reassure myself that I was bottlefed and turned out OK.:cool:
Also, his smile when he has a full belly makes us feel so much closer than the constant struggle we have when trying to bf only. I will try not to cut out bf completely because he likes to have a comfort suck at night before sleeping and we both like it.

[welshgirl]

Oh my goodness: I really feel for you. I also struggled with poor attachment (which is probably why your baby seems to suck but isn't satisfied as he's not getting much out), thrush infection, mastitis, cracked nipples. I completely understand the sheer exhaustion and emotional rollercoaster you are feeling. In the end I went to formula at 7 weeks mainly because I think I was going to go insane otherwise: I was on a 24 hour roster of feeding, pumping, sterilizing and feeding again. I had a great gp who pulled me aside one day and told me to call it a day.
Of you want to keep going you should see a good lactation consultant (ask your local maternity hospital) and there are some drugs that can help with your milk supply. But ultimately the decision is yours. Babies get a lot of antibodies as a result of just being 'in utero' for 9 months. If you want to persevere there is benefit from your expressing: you have to weigh that against the physical/ emotional cost on continuing, and only you can judge that.
I wish you lots and lots of luck. Send me a message if you want to chat.
X

[dboo]

I think I'll keep expressing the same as now. I will try not to beat myself up about it.
Earlier someone mentioned that the LLL was correct. I just wanted to clarify that I know they are correct and that if bub could suck 24hrs he would be satisfied. The thing that put me off is that both times I was made to feel selfish for not being willing to sit down and feed and do NOTHING else. :no:

[Livy]

Thanks for the answer. Unfortunately I HAVE to work so I can't bf full-tme now.
Besides, the mental toll it exacted on me cannot be good for bub. I also need SOME sleep and to bf 24hrs was of course becoming dangerous for mine and bubs safety.
So, my question is still whether it is worth it to keep expressing the 200ml or so a day.

I know how you feel :hugs: sounds like you are doing all that you can - given you have to work as well as look after your baby.

My first son took to breastfeeding so easily and fed for 2 years - I had to fight to wean him. But my second son refuses to feed no matter what I do, I spent the first few weeks of his life mentally and physically exhausted after fighting for hours to get him to feed. I have since spent hours expressing to feed him and crying because I too feel hopeless. But I have started him on formula because I need to have my sanity and sleep to look after both my sons and have a happy family.

Sometimes I think we just need to do whatever works. Hope you work it all out and are feeling much better soon :hugs:

[Jaz85]

Sounds like you have had a bit of a rough time but I do understand how you feel. After numerous trips to the lactation consultant, the child health clinic and trying domperidone, maxalon and fenugreek to boost my almost non existent supply I made the decision to put my five week old on forumla full time.

The amount of guilt I feel is unbelievable, I have spent the past week crying and feeling as though I have failed at being able to do what should be a natural thing. Deep down
I know its for the best as my daughter is very underweight and know she will gain with formula but it still doesnt stop the guilt.

good luck hope it all works out

[SpecialPatrolGroup]

Dboo and Jaz also, you have both mentioned feeling guilty about putting bubs on formula, and I must admit I would feel the same, but please go easy on yourselves - I'm sure the decision was not an easy one to come too. It really is true that breast feeding is natural, but I think that the problem lies in the fact that we are trying to feed in unnatural circumstances without support or prior exposure to BFing, often on a schedule, or having to go off to work and have time without our babies. Just look at those contented milky smiles and know that you put them there, one way or another.

[babybabycakes]

Just look at those contented milky smiles and know that you put them there, one way or another.
:iagree: :hugs::hugs: