Gender disappointment? How?

[Lemonhead]

I really dont understand gender disappointment.

Maybe I would have if we had no trouble TTC or hadn't experienced any losses but seriously I just dont get how people cant be sooo overjoyed that they are getting a healthy baby.

It irks me a bit, because I think of how many people out there that are going through IVF and those who are infertile who would give anything for a baby of any sex.

I really couldnt care less if I got all boys...Im actually really excited to have a house full of boys :laughing: I must be mad.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

I really dont understand gender disappointment.

Maybe I would have if we had no trouble TTC or hadn't experienced any losses but seriously I just dont get how people cant be sooo overjoyed that they are getting a healthy baby.

It irks me a bit, because I think of how many people out there that are going through IVF and those who are infertile who would give anything for a baby of any sex.

I really couldnt care less if I got all boys...Im actually really excited to have a house full of boys :laughing: I must be mad.


Why did you start this post?
If you don't understand it maybe just leave it. It is VERY real for some of us.
Sorry we "irk" you, at least we're even now.

[Miss_N]

I don't really understand it either! Agree with everyhing you said!

I also don't understand people who have baby after baby trying for a boy/girl and then decide that after a specific number they will just be happy with what they have! Strange!

[Lemonhead]

How do you mean we are even now?

I tried to imagine if I got say 6 boys...apart form going insane and having to buy endless amounts of food, I guess I just still couldnt be disappointed. Havent been there though, so really cant say.

My mum got gender disappointment with my sister, and I get a bit annoyed with her when she goes on about how much she wants this bubby to be a girl...I just dont care as long as its healthy.

[RedPanda]

I don't think you need to understand it to be able to empathise with someone. I have never really desired a particular sex. My first two are boys but I never minded what #3 was. Just because I didn't care though doesn't mean that other people don't/shouldn't. You can't help how you feel. Most people with gender disappointment would never tell the child and will eventually move on with time so what's wrong with just letting them feel it in order to process it and move on?

[Fuchsia!]

I had it with my 1st son. It was totally unexpected and something i couldn't control. There was no reasoning and it cut me up to have those feelings.

I think you have anxiety don't you Bek? I can't remember if its you or not, but its kinda like that, its irrational, comes on and uncontrollable.

You aren't grieving for the baby you have, you are grieving for the baby you WON'T have.

Its a very complex thing and please bear in mind that a lot of women who suffer GD don't like that they do and they feel guilty enough for those feelings.

Just tread carefully and tactful as its very hurtful.

BTW i didn't have it with my 2nd son, so it was totally random. The brain is a funny thing!

ETA i also wanted to add that i have also heard of women who have had problems concieving and even they have suffered GD. Its very real and its very hurtful and its something that isn't controlled.

And as Witchazel said, you don't have to understand to be able to empathise :)

[1+1=5]

sorry to irk you Rebekah. Unless you go through it, you have no idea what its like. Its nothing you can explain because it goes against all logic, you either get it or you don't. be happy that you don't.

[melbryan]

I only think those who have gone through it can understand it. It is a real emotioal time for some people there are ways of getting through. Its something that stays with people for years and can take it's toll on a person.
Yes mums should be thankful but for some of us it's how our brain works there's really no explanation for it. You'll know when you get there and you can't comment until you've walked in their shoes, hope you never have to.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

How do you mean we are even now?

I tried to imagine if I got say 6 boys...apart form going insane and having to buy endless amounts of food, I guess I just still couldnt be disappointed. Havent been there though, so really cant say.

My mum got gender disappointment with my sister, and I get a bit annoyed with her when she goes on about how much she wants this bubby to be a girl...I just dont care as long as its healthy.


You "irk" me for having gender disappointment and you've just "irked" me starting this post.
There's just no point to it.

[kribby]

I hope this thread was started to understand and you've come into it with an open mind to understand it not to judge. Because that would be awful.
I have never experianced it but to those who have hugs to you.

[Lemonhead]

I had it with my 1st son. It was totally unexpected and something i couldn't control. There was no reasoning and it cut me up to have those feelings.

I think you have anxiety don't you Bek? I can't remember if its you or not, but its kinda like that, its irrational, comes on and uncontrollable.

You aren't grieving for the baby you have, you are grieving for the baby you WON'T have.

Its a very complex thing and please bear in mind that a lot of women who suffer GD don't like that they do and they feel guilty enough for those feelings.

Just tread carefully and tactful as its very hurtful.

BTW i didn't have it with my 2nd son, so it was totally random. The brain is a funny thing!

Ah k, see I read alot of these threads and it does come across like people are so upset that they are hvaing particular sex and I feel bad for that bub. But you explained that well...I guess it has alot to do with expectations and hopes etc as well, like hoping to be mother of the bride down the track, or something like that...

I didnt start this to offend, but to see different opinions about gender disappointment and try and understand why and how people feel that way.

[Lemonhead]

You "irk" me for having gender disappointment and you've just "irked" me starting this post.
There's just no point to it.

Well that wasnt my intention.

I have my own underlying issues, such as our TTC journey and our losses last year that can influence my opinion. Thats why I have started this thread so I can see it from a different view instead of just being completely clueless about it.

[River Song]

i do agree with you Bek, and i feel hurt sometimes when people get upset about it. I think it effects me more when people get upset over having a boy....maybe because i love my boy so much lol

I try not to read the threads about it...its a little easier now we have a bundle of our own on the way....but when i had been trying and enduring IVF...it was really upsetting.

I think it is one of those things...like they can not understand what it feels like to go through IVF...we can not appreciate what it feels like to go through GD.

Its funny though, so many people are saying "oh i bet you want a girl cause you already have a boy" and when i say "nope, i always wanted 2 boys but after going through all we have to conceive I can not imagine anything other then wanting a healthy baby" they seem surprised. Society has some how supported "women must want one of each"....and esp "women must want a daughter".

I would be interested to know if anyone who has long term ttc/ivf has had GD? I wonder if it is something that comes along with getting pregnant relatively easily.

However, I have also suffered from depression and know how powerful the mind can be....its a really tricky one.

[1+1=5]

its definitely a case of morning what you don't have, rather than what you do have. which is what makes it so hard to explain. I have heard from mums who have gone through IVF for years and were still disappointed to have a particular gender.

how would you feel if you had 3 or 4 girls? what if you couldn't have boys? couldn't watch your DH play with your son? you got what you desired in your boy.

[RoarsomeMum]

We tried for more years than I care to remember, and we WERE just over the freaking MOON to be pregnant at ALL.. and yet, when we were told "Boy" I cried for weeks..

- We have Dreams for our children, and I always dreamed that our child would be a daughter.. I was sad, confused and most of all, felt GUILTY as heck.. (because I thought, like you, My god, why can't we just be happy he is healthy and we are pregnant at ALL!)

Took me a while to realize those concepts are not mutually exclusive..

You can be desperate for something, have your wished fulfilled, your dreams come true and feel so beyond filled with gratitude you could fair near Burst.. and STILL Feel sad that the "dream" was not exactly as you pictured it or hoped it would be. There should be no guilt or shame for those feelings.. The child will be loved, and mourning the "child you hoped for" steals nothing from the child your blessed to get:no::hugs::hugs: to anyone struggling.

The sonographer was wrong, and we have our daughter. We are indeed lucky.

[overitand36]

Maybe I would have if we had no trouble TTC or hadn't experienced any losses but seriously I just dont get how people cant be sooo overjoyed that they are getting a healthy baby.

I think of how many people out there that are going through IVF and those who are infertile who would give anything for a baby of any sex.

I agree can't see if happing with anyone going IVF and loss nightmares that is also something people do not understand unless having gone through it also.
So sorry if Rebekah and others with TTC issues irk you but a loss and IVF is also irk and any counselling etc does not take that away.

Did any IVFers have disappointment? with first IVF or if it happened was it with second time or lucky natural later on

Not in this house all we want to happy and healthy

[Lemonhead]

i do agree with you Bek, and i feel hurt sometimes when people get upset about it. I think it effects me more when people get upset over having a boy....maybe because i love my boy so much lol

I try not to read the threads about it...its a little easier now we have a bundle of our own on the way....but when i had been trying and enduring IVF...it was really upsetting.

I think it is one of those things...like they can not understand what it feels like to go through IVF...we can not appreciate what it feels like to go through GD.

Its funny though, so many people are saying "oh i bet you want a girl cause you already have a boy" and when i say "nope, i always wanted 2 boys but after going through all we have to conceive I can not imagine anything other then wanting a healthy baby" they seem surprised. Society has some how supported "women must want one of each"....and esp "women must want a daughter".

I would be interested to know if anyone who has long term ttc/ivf has had GD? I wonder if it is something that comes along with getting pregnant relatively easily.

However, I have also suffered from depression and know how powerful the mind can be....its a really tricky one.

Yeah I have already had to endure the "pieon pair" talks...:rolleyes: nope as long as he/she is breathing and happy I am content.

But like you mentioned, when you have had difficulties getting that bub its alot easier to be happy with what you get...thats what I think stops me from feeling gender disappointment, whereas I am starting to see why it would be easy for others to feel disappointment.

We are all different anyways arent we. All feel differently about different things.

[Lemonhead]

I agree can't see if happing with anyone going IVF and loss nightmares that is also something people do not understand unless having gone through it also.
So sorry if Rebekah and others with TTC issues irk you but a loss and IVF is also irk and any counselling etc does not take that away.

Did any IVFers have disappointment? with first IVF or if it happened was it with second time or lucky natural later on

Not in this house all we want to happy and healthy

I could understand how some IVFers could feel a bit of GD as well though, as it may have taken them years to get that baby and then if they had a preference for the sex it isnt as easy to think "oh well, Im happy its a ...., we can try for a .... another time"...kwim?

[Hootenanny]

I don't get it either and to be honest hadn't really heard of it before bubhub but I can see that it is very real for some people and uncontrollable. I hope what ever the outcomes for parents wanting a boy/girl that they are in loving, caring families because in the end that is the only thing that matters.

[Nowhere]

To be honest the first time I heard the term gender disappointment my first reaction was how can you be disapointed in a healthy baby. But then I thought about it puting my own feelings aside and realised that even thought I may not understand it, I can have empathy for people who suffer it as to them they are greiving the little boy they wanted or the little girl they wanted.

I think to understand some situations we have to take our own feeling out of the equation and see it from there side KWIM.

[River Song]

owen&noahs mum - not really....because i also had no hopes either way with #1. I think i would like another boy because i feel like i "am good with boys" iykwim...but, if i had a girl....i'd feel more confident with that now.

I loved growing up with my sister....but then i got step brothers when i was older and saw the great stuff with them too.

If i get a girl this time, I can see so many amazing positives...so its not like i will be disappointed (though ds will be lol).

I guess its about having pre conceived notions of what it will be like....like lil girls who plan their weddings and hold on to that image through adulthood...that wasn't me. And the same way, i don't for see what it will be like to be a MIL, i have no desire to be mother of the bride or see my child give birth. I will have a great rel with any child of mine through adulthood.

like i said, i don't understand it....but there is a lot i don't understand and just cause i don't get it...doesn't mean its not real

[Lemonhead]

its definitely a case of morning what you don't have, rather than what you do have. which is what makes it so hard to explain. I have heard from mums who have gone through IVF for years and were still disappointed to have a particular gender.

how would you feel if you had 3 or 4 girls? what if you couldn't have boys? couldn't watch your DH play with your son? you got what you desired in your boy.

This is what I was thinking. I have always loved the idea of having boys and once I found out Lucas was a boy we were soooo happy and I have this feling of "I dont care what I get now" because I got him. Does that make sense? Maybe thats why its hard for me to understand, because I have never longed for a DD and I got my boy first go.


To be honest the first time I heard the term gender disappointment my first reaction was how can you be disapointed in a healthy baby. But then I thought about it puting my own feelings aside and realised that even thought I may not understand it, I can have empathy for people who suffer it as to them they are greiving the little boy they wanted or the little girl they wanted.

I think to understand some situations we have to take our own feeling out of the equation and see it from there side KWIM.

Yep Im trying that. I can understand it now, its so hard to put your personal experiences aside though and just empathise, but its something I have been trying to do more.

[Nowhere]

This is what I was thinking. I have always loved the idea of having boys and once I found out Lucas was a boy we were soooo happy and I have this feling of "I dont care what I get now" because I got him. Does that make sense? Maybe thats why its hard for me to understand, because I have never longed for a DD and I got my boy first go.



Yep Im trying that. I can understand it now, its so hard to put your personal experiences aside though and just empathise, but its something I have been trying to do more.


yerp I know what you mean It is hard, i just find in order to understand any thing about others and how they feel I have to take my feeling out otherwise its to hard to see another persons veiws

[QTB]

As a long term TTCer, 23months, 19months, 13months... and i suffered GD.

#1 - Boy - i didnt care
#2 - Boy - i didnt care
#3 we were told a boy and i burst into tears. Not because i dont want HIM but because i want a HER.

im over it now, and happy to be having another boy. but would still looooove a girl.

GD is real, as much as I feel guilty for my son, i realised it wasnt that i didnt want him. not at all. just the greiving for the daughter i may never have!


Hope this thread has made you understand a bit more about GD!

[halloweenmum]

Rebekah,

I got myself into all sorts of trouble over the exact same thing on a thread I started about it a few months back. Having suffered infertility for 6 years and going thru IVF I couldnt grasp what these women's problem was.....until it was explained to me like this:

"Its not about the baby you do have, its about the one you dont have."

i.e; they still love the child they have same as we love ours, but they have a hole in their hearts for the one they will never have of the opposite sex. Hope that makes sense. After this was expressed to me, I finally understood.

[Amara]

Its not always that you have a preference. I felt and dreamt I was having a girl so when the amnio results came in that it was a boy I was stunned as I was not expecting it. It took me a couple of days to get used to the fact. I think that was a touch of gender disappointment. That was after a decade of ttc and having just got the fantastic news that my bub did not have ds or other trisomy. Makes no sense at all but it happened. I have never told anyone irl about those feelings I had back then. Luckily it was only a couple of days for me.

I find it harder to understand people who have say things like they will keep having as many kids as necessary to get a girl before they have even had one bub. My sil was like that. I guess those sorts of thoughts have a name too though.

[Mrs Nietzsche]

I wanted a boy with both my girls, no idea why, and when I had DS I was thrilled. I can't understand it, except I think it seemed more exotic somehow, whereas somehow having a girl wouldn't be such a novel experience.

The truth is.. DS is so fullon, I think if I ever had another boy now I would think 'oh god here we go again'. I now associate having a boy with shocking sleep problems you see.

All in all though these ffeelings have been very mild and by the time the birth came I've been desperately looking forwad to my daughter.

DD2 is the most beautiful perfect cheeky advanced happy angel I do not know what was wrong with me wanting another boy - I just want *her*.

[Lemonhead]

Rebekah,

I got myself into all sorts of trouble over the exact same thing on a thread I started about it a few months back. Having suffered infertility for 6 years and going thru IVF I couldnt grasp what these women's problem was.....until it was explained to me like this:

"Its not about the baby you do have, its about the one you dont have."

i.e; they still love the child they have same as we love ours, but they have a hole in their hearts for the one they will never have of the opposite sex. Hope that makes sense. After this was expressed to me, I finally understood.

Yep thats what got through to me.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

So sorry if Rebekah and others with TTC issues irk you but a loss and IVF is also irk and any counselling etc does not take that away.



I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here?

I took a year to conceive my daughter whom we lost in the most horrific circumstances when I was 4 months pregnant.
I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

We then took another year to conceive DS2, did I want a healthy baby? Of course. Did I want a girl? absou-freakin-lutely. I wanted so badly what was ripped away from me.
Do I love DS2 any less? Of course not. However I wanted and STIILL want a daughter so badly it hurts and if I get pregnant again I will experience GD if it's another boy, fact. But my desire to have another baby outweighs the desire for a girl.

Anyway I'm all emotional and silly now so I'll leave it there.

[BigRedV]

I have empathy for my friend who has 4 boys. She desperately wanted a girl. Another friend of ours told her to go to Thailand to choose the sex with IVF but she said she would feel too bad for her brother who is having trouble conceiving at all.

Whislt I can have empath in some situations, it's something I don't think I will understand either.

Having issues with the twins and a miscarriage, I just wanted sticky, healthy baby :fingerscrossed: only 13 weeks to go :eek:

My brother and his partner lost their baby at about 35 weeks and she had to go through labour and deliver her son, who she knew was dead. A friend of mine lost her 3 day old son because the cord was wrapped around his neck when he was born. So, because these things happened to me and people I love, I just want a baby.

I have also had comments about how happy we must be that we have a girl and are having a boy in July :rolleyes:

[Lemonhead]

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here?

I took a year to conceive my daughter whom we lost in the most horrific circumstances when I was 4 months pregnant.
I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

We then took another year to conceive DS2, did I want a healthy baby? Of course. Did I want a girl? absou-freakin-lutely. I wanted so badly what was ripped away from me.
Do I love DS2 any less? Of course not. However I wanted and STIILL want a daughter so badly it hurts and if I get pregnant again I will experience GD if it's another boy, fact. But my desire to have another baby outweighs the desire for a girl.

Anyway I'm all emotional and silly now so I'll leave it there.

I think thats VERY understandable :hugs:

[1+1=5]

I never imagined being the mother of the bride or my daughter having her first baby or any of the things that have been mentioned. I didn't have a pre-conceived image of what it would be like...I just never imagined my life without a daughter and especially the mother of three boys. I always thought i would either have a boy and a girl or a house full of a mixture of the two...but it always included having a daughter. i never, ever expected to be disappointed...its very odd.

i had a life plan or vision and things aren't headed in that direction and it has thrown me off. i never ever expected to be disappointed by something like the sex of a baby. we had no issues conceiving but we were so so grateful to have our children...words cannot describe how much we love our kids and we are very very aware of how blessed we are to be bale to have them.

i was okay with Owen as I thought older brother, this is great but when we found out with Noah, I thought **** what happened to my little girl? with this one, i just thought OMG, i will never my daughter. this could be it. a house full of boys. i can't describe it Bek, you either get it or you don't.

[Aquamarine]

I never in a million years would have thought that I would have suffered GD and to be honest never understood why people had it...... but then when I found out we were expecting our 3rd son I had this overwhelming feeling of disappointment. It had nothing to do with the little man I was about to have but the realisation that I would never have a daughter. Never have that mother daughter relationship that people harp on about.
Then, I lost my fourth pregnancy and realised that the three boys I had were all I needed. My family is complete and I am more than happy with what I have got.

I personally believe that society itself plays a huge role in GD. People who find themselves with children all of the one gender have questions and comments thrown at them from people forever.
Questions like 'Are you going to go for a boy/girl?' 'Oh you have all boys/girls you poor thing' 'We got out pigeon pair and we are so lucky' etc etc etc

GD is a real emotion and something that a person cannot control. It doesn't mean you are not grateful for the healthy baby that is born, it is all about lost dreams and coming to the reality that in this lifetime the relationship you thought you would naturally have with your son/daughter isn't ever going to be a reality.

[Mathermy]

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here?

I took a year to conceive my daughter whom we lost in the most horrific circumstances when I was 4 months pregnant.
I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

We then took another year to conceive DS2, did I want a healthy baby? Of course. Did I want a girl? absou-freakin-lutely. I wanted so badly what was ripped away from me.
Do I love DS2 any less? Of course not. However I wanted and STIILL want a daughter so badly it hurts and if I get pregnant again I will experience GD if it's another boy, fact. But my desire to have another baby outweighs the desire for a girl.

Anyway I'm all emotional and silly now so I'll leave it there.

I'm not going to comment on the issue in general..

But what you have described above I do get :yes:


Because it's not about the loss of a gender you wanted, it's that you had a precious little girl and she was ripped away from you. It's not some intangible ideal of a specific gender, it's not about wanting a "choice", it's what you had and what you should still bloody have and it's just not fair at all :no::hugs::hugs::kiss:

big love xoxo

[Baldie's Mum]

I dont understand, but i do know how it feels to have something taken out of your hands and you just have to deal with it.....Fertility was taken from me, and i had to LEARN to deal with having others be fertile for me. I imagine you would have to grieve something you dont have but want...... (and tell me if i am wrong)

I can understand and empathise if you grieve the gender, but i dont understand when you dislike the child for being the wrong gender.

But then, it turns into PND.....(tell me when i am wrong!) :o

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Freya]

It's real, we don't have to understand it though...

[Theophania]

I also don't understand it, but I understand its real and men and women cannot help their feelings.

When I fell pregnant with this bub TBH I wanted another boy, so DS could have his best mate etc but I had no disappointment whatsoever when I was told I was having a girl. TBH the thought of raising a teenage girl scares the crap out of me lol but I am very excited to be having a daughter now and was never disappointed with what I got.

I can also understand how GD can frustrate women who have struggled to fall pregnant etc, but its two different situations and I can feel empathy for both.

[FertileMertile]

GD is real, as much as I feel guilty for my son, i realised it wasnt that i didnt want him. not at all. just the greiving for the daughter i may never have!





Thats a really good way of putting it I think.

I had gender disappointment with DS2, but I would say it was mild compared to alot of women.

I went through the first 20 weeks of my pregnancy CONVINCED that he was a girl so when I was told he was a boy I was in complete shock. I cried the whole way home but I eventually got over it and started to bond with my little boy.

I get people ask me ALL the time when im going to try for a girl. I normally reply with 'No trying for a girl here. I am happy with my boys and my desire to NOT have another baby outweighs my desire to have a girl' Dont see why so many people think I should be trying for a girl as I have boys :confused:

[SweetSerenity]

Depression is real, not everyone understands it.

Gender Disappointment is real, not everyone understands it.

Mental Illness is real, not everyone understands it.

Homosexuality is real, not everyone understands it.

There are many things that are real that not everyone understands. If you are one of those that don't understand it, then just accept it and move on.

No one should have to justify themselves to make others understand it, but if you're willing to try to understand instead of judge, then good on you :)

[AnnaT]

I can understand and empathise if you grieve the gender, but i dont understand when you dislike the child for being the wrong gender

I cant speak on behalf of other GD sufferers but that isnt the way it works for the majority. We dont dislike the child for being the wrong gender. As its been previously stated; we dont mourn having a son we mourn not having a daughter (or whichever way it works).

I suffered GD with my last two pregnancies.
I fully expected and wanted my first child to be a boy, and thats what he was. I just didnt think I wouldnt have atleast one of each. And I planned on 4 kids.

I have had 5 miscarriages, gone through fertility treatment, went into premature labour 5 different times with Ds2 before he was even considered viable to live and had to go through the harrowing process of thinking about funeral arrangements. We were blessed it never went as far as that.

I still had GD with #2 and #3. With #2, I remember feeling a pang of disappointment at my 20wk scan when they said he was a boy. But I figured we wanted 3 kids so next time maybe we'd get a girl. With #3............I cried for 3 days. I cried during the scan, I cried all the way home, I cried myself to sleep that night. I refused to speak to Dh for 24hrs because I blamed him. I knew it was irrational but I just couldnt believe we didnt have a girl. When it seemed like EVERYONE I knew (and it still happens) had one of each atleast. Not to mention the constant comments of "Oh you have 2 boys; I bet your hoping for a girl this time!" and then the "Ohhh thats too bad, maybe youll have to have another one!" from every.freakin.person I met. I STILL hear it, constantly.

You know what though? When my Ds3 was born; oh my lord it was love at first sight. Now 12mths later, I am a certified Stellan groupie; Im his biggest fan, I just adore him and could cry of joy every time I look at his sweet little face. I wouldnt change him for anything.

I still think about how lovely it would be to have a daughter and a sister for my boys though; it would be a beautiful compliment to 3 gorgeous boys.

[Ffrenchknickers]

Absolutely....I have never, ever, ever seen a case of gender disappointment carry over into the child's life. I am sure it happens *sometimes* but would certainly be in the very small minority of cases.

A couple of years ago, I didn't understand GD at all but I do now...totally.

[Baldie's Mum]

I dont understand, but i do know how it feels to have something taken out of your hands and you just have to deal with it.....Fertility was taken from me, and i had to LEARN to deal with having others be fertile for me. I imagine you would have to grieve something you dont have but want...... (and tell me if i am wrong)

I can understand and empathise if you grieve the gender, but i dont understand when you dislike the child for being the wrong gender.

But then, it turns into PND.....(tell me when i am wrong!) :o

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

Yeah i know this is in the very minority!! Thank goodness for both mummy, daddy and baby. It would be aweful knowing that you shouldnt be feeling this way and still do. :hugs: to all the sufferers. xoxoxoxox

[AnnaT]

And a point I just wanted to add is GD doesnt always just affect those with ALL the same gender children. People experience it when they already have one of each. Thats what makes it irrational.

[Maisymouse]

Even Though I have 1 boy and 2 girls, when I was told the baby I am carrying currently was a girl I was upset. I wanted another boy My husband wanted another boy, I was so certain I was having a boy.

When they said It was a girl I felt like they had just told me my little boy had passed away, I was happy to be given a healthy little girl, but I couldn't understand why I was mourning for a baby boy that I never had to start off with.

You might not understand it and TBH even as someone who has suffered GD, I don't understand it ether, But it is very real.

[CookiesRYum]

I never imagined being the mother of the bride or my daughter having her first baby or any of the things that have been mentioned. I didn't have a pre-conceived image of what it would be like...I just never imagined my life without a daughter and especially the mother of three boys. I always thought i would either have a boy and a girl or a house full of a mixture of the two...but it always included having a daughter. i never, ever expected to be disappointed...its very odd.

i had a life plan or vision and things aren't headed in that direction and it has thrown me off. i never ever expected to be disappointed by something like the sex of a baby. we had no issues conceiving but we were so so grateful to have our children...words cannot describe how much we love our kids and we are very very aware of how blessed we are to be bale to have them.

i was okay with Owen as I thought older brother, this is great but when we found out with Noah, I thought **** what happened to my little girl? with this one, i just thought OMG, i will never my daughter. this could be it. a house full of boys. i can't describe it Bek, you either get it or you don't. i think that makes perfect sense thanks for the insight. when i imagine having babies i can't even pick which sex i would prefer or what combination of children i would have. I feel i will have two but not at all fussed at this point what sexes. Given the choice to pick i don't think i would because i really have no idea. But i definately have an imagine of two so i can relate to it in terms of suddenly one day finding out i could only have one. Wouldn't mean i don't love that one but it would throw my world vision upside down because in this world i have two kids not one. I guess in time i would re learn how to see my world with only one kid but it's a whole new sixty years you need to imagine for yourself.

[Luna Lovegood]

I don't understand people who have a preference for one gender over the other, or why they get upset over it. I just would be happy with a healthy baby. Sometimes it's mind blowing the lengths people go to conceive a particular gender (not a dig at anyone, just my opinion:)).

I empathise with those people who grieve for the baby they don't have, because I understand that feeling. :)

[MummaBear03]

I'm not sure I understand what you're saying here?

I took a year to conceive my daughter whom we lost in the most horrific circumstances when I was 4 months pregnant.
I wouldn't wish it upon anyone.

We then took another year to conceive DS2, did I want a healthy baby? Of course. Did I want a girl? absou-freakin-lutely. I wanted so badly what was ripped away from me.
Do I love DS2 any less? Of course not. However I wanted and STIILL want a daughter so badly it hurts and if I get pregnant again I will experience GD if it's another boy, fact. But my desire to have another baby outweighs the desire for a girl.

Anyway I'm all emotional and silly now so I'll leave it there.

:hugs:

Some things seem irrational to some people, but they really are rational to others.

A milk phobia, for instance, seems irrational to me ;) but I can understand it's very real and rational to someone else.

[Benji]

I don't understand it, but I can understand how it could happen and happen so often. Just look at our society! So much importance is placed on gender. Not who we are as an individual, but on our gender. Society as a whole is to blame for this!

[Ffrenchknickers]

I don't understand it, but I can understand how it could happen and happen so often. Just look at our society! So much importance is placed on gender. Not who we are as an individual, but on our gender. Society as a whole is to blame for this!

That's right....when our 4th child turned out to be a boy, I feel like the whole world had gender disappointment for us :rolleyes:


A milk phobia, for instance, seems irrational to me

:footinmouth:

[AnnaT]

I don't understand it, but I can understand how it could happen and happen so often. Just look at our society! So much importance is placed on gender. Not who we are as an individual, but on our gender. Society as a whole is to blame for this!

So true!

And you know what.............all those MIL-hate threads and similar things make me cringe because IM going to be the MIL to 3 young women one day. I wonder if its just programmed into women that they must not like their MIL, or not even remotely as much as they like their own mother, that she doesnt have equal right to the grandkids as her mother, that her husband has no right to be close to his mother. Its plain sad.

As a mother of 3 boys I adore more than life itself, it pains me already to think that one day there will be a woman encouraging them to think they cant love both of us equally :no:

[Mathermy]

So true!

And you know what.............all those MIL-hate threads and similar things make me cringe because IM going to be the MIL to 3 young women one day. I wonder if its just programmed into women that they must not like their MIL, or not even remotely as much as they like their own mother, that she doesnt have equal right to the grandkids as her mother, that her husband has no right to be close to his mother. Its plain sad.

As a mother of 3 boys I adore more than life itself, it pains me already to think that one day there will be a woman encouraging them to think they cant love both of us equally :no:

I love my mil and she loves me! She is awesome and sometimes a better support than my own mum (who I also love):hugs::hugs:

[mumkc]

Okay, so I have not suffered from GD but my SIL gave birth to a stillborn 12 months ago so, having watched her go through that, my wish for this child is that it is born safely and lives a happy life - I don't care if it is a boy or girl - honestly!

However, as someone who has gone through IVF - wishing desperately for a baby - I can say that I still have those days when I resent being a mother. I miss my freedom, hate the tantrums, etc, etc. So no matter how much someone wants something, or how hard it is for them to achieve it (if at all) it doesn't mean that they can't feel SOME disappointment in the outcome.

That's the closest thing I can find in my own experience to a disappointment similar to GD and, whilst others may not understand, it is very real to me (only 2% of the time - I LOVE my DS to bits!).

[1+1=5]

So true!

And you know what.............all those MIL-hate threads and similar things make me cringe because IM going to be the MIL to 3 young women one day. I wonder if its just programmed into women that they must not like their MIL, or not even remotely as much as they like their own mother, that she doesnt have equal right to the grandkids as her mother, that her husband has no right to be close to his mother. Its plain sad.

As a mother of 3 boys I adore more than life itself, it pains me already to think that one day there will be a woman encouraging them to think they cant love both of us equally :no:

this comes up a lot for me as well. i cannot stand my MIL for longer than a few hours. the **** that comes out of her mouth sometimes.

i hope i can have a great relationship with my daughter-in-laws and I hope they won't resent me if i have a close relationship with my boys. i don't want to be a smother-in-law where as when i spend a lot of time with my mum, its seen as a daughter hanging out with her mum....i don't know how women would react to their partners going out for coffees with their mum or spending the weekend with them, just hanging out. thats what i do with my mum :goodvibes:.

[Benji]

So true!

And you know what.............all those MIL-hate threads and similar things make me cringe because IM going to be the MIL to 3 young women one day. I wonder if its just programmed into women that they must not like their MIL, or not even remotely as much as they like their own mother, that she doesnt have equal right to the grandkids as her mother, that her husband has no right to be close to his mother. Its plain sad.

As a mother of 3 boys I adore more than life itself, it pains me already to think that one day there will be a woman encouraging them to think they cant love both of us equally :no:


this comes up a lot for me as well. i cannot stand my MIL for longer than a few hours. the **** that comes out of her mouth sometimes.

i hope i can have a great relationship with my daughter-in-laws and I hope they won't resent me if i have a close relationship with my boys. i don't want to be a smother-in-law where as when i spend a lot of time with my mum, its seen as a daughter hanging out with her mum....i don't know how women would react to their partners going out for coffees with their mum or spending the weekend with them, just hanging out. thats what i do with my mum :goodvibes:.

A lot of those anti-MIL threads make me cringe. A lot of the time it's just MIL trying to help, maybe just being slightly overbearing but I think all the "hate" talk is very nasty.

I love my partner's mother. I can't wait to marry my DP and be a part of her family. She's an absolutely beautiful person.

I also have to add that my SIL lives with my parents and she often hangs out with my mum. She loves her too!

:hugs: to you both.

[Leisa21]

Well I strongly dislike my mother in law but love my FIL who really is everything I'd hoped for in a MIL. I don't dislike my MIL because she's my MIL but because she's an awful person to everyone, especially her children.

I don't understand gender disappointment because I believe every child is different and to me the only difference between sexes the clothes people put on their children and I don't want a doll, I want a child. I see boys and girls the same so that's why I don't understand it but I can see why if you believe a boy to be different why you may long for a particular sex. I hope this makes sense.

[Love is all you need]

To all you mums with just boys I love my MIL and I am sure you will make great MILs.

In regards to GD, I think this thread has been great to help those who don't understand GD.

I can completely understand GD so much so that I am worried about the next pregnancy...as I was told by all "professionals" (and everyone else in my family and friends) except the sonographer (who didn't tell us either way) that I was having a boy so by the time DD came into the world I guess I grieved for the little boy I thought I would have and having the boy as an eldest of a family but now I love my DD so much :cloud9::cloud9: and was so happy for her to be healthy after 2 miscarriages.

But I guess I suffer from Gender Fear in a way, I was so afraid to be a mother to a daughter due to the issues I have from my own relationship with my mother and was so afraid and scared that I would screw my daughter up as half as I am :( I am still frightened of that every day.

[helsbells]

Interesting this thread started today because I have just this afternoon come back from my 20 week scan with the news I am expecting another boy. I am very disappointed, but it is just not acceptable to say it out loud, so came looking here for support.

I also get a strong feeling that when people hear they are also a bit disappointed for me, although I did not state a preference for a girl.

Anyway, it IS grieving the girl I will never have (my pregnancies are so horrendous I couldn't do it to myself or my husband again!), because now a few hours later, I am still disappointed, but also feel more bonded to the bub inside me. Hardly makes sense to me either!

And I think my mourning for a girl, is about having such a close relationship with my mum, loving growing up as a girl and doing all the "girly" things- shopping, pedicures, chick flicks. And also the fear that as a future MIL, I will have women in my son's lives that may not let me be as much a part of their weddings and babies lives as I would like to be. And all the cute pink things.....

Maybe sounds pathetic to some, but there you go. Don't feel I can discuss this anywhere else 'cos it has guilt attached....

[SassyMummy]

I think it's probably like everything - you don't need to understand it for it to be something extremely real for some people.

I don't really care what I end up with next child - but I can say that as a mother who had the baby girl that she hoped for first time round. Even first time round I didn't care too much because I knew it wouldn't be my only chance to have a baby. Perhaps if I had 3 boys already, I'd be really struggling to cope with the fact that I was having ANOTHER one, and not a daughter instead.

I think it's all well and good to say that people should "just be happy with a healthy baby," but you can apply that kind of logic to a lot of things. Some people who are having great difficulty TTC their first baby might think that your desire to have another (and struggling to do so) isn't as important as THEIRS to have a baby at all. You've already got one - be happy with what you have. To say that to you would be pretty silly and insensitive, right?

A lot of people have traumatic births too - like me. Yep - I got a happy and healthy baby at the end of it all. To many, I should have just sucked it up and been happy. I couldn't though - it wasn't some superficial issue I could brush off - it was something that was in my mind every moment of the day, and something that ruined each and every day for a long time. It could have been worse, sure, and perhaps if I had a severely disabled child already, having to have a caesarean and get a healthy baby out of it might not have been such a big issue... but I DON'T have a severely disabled child, and my caesarean DID get to me.

You could tell single mothers here to stop whinging too. Stop complaining about deadbeat fathers, about minimal government benefits, about how hard life is as a single parent. I mean, after all, being a single parent in other countries could pretty much mean you're living on the streets and pimping yourself out to afford to feed your kids. Knowing that doesn't really make life any easier though, does it?

Someone is always worse off that you. Always. Just because someone else is going through something worse doesn't mean that your problems don't matter.

[MummaBear03]

Interesting this thread started today because I have just this afternoon come back from my 20 week scan with the news I am expecting another boy. I am very disappointed, but it is just not acceptable to say it out loud, so came looking here for support.

I also get a strong feeling that when people hear they are also a bit disappointed for me, although I did not state a preference for a girl.

Anyway, it IS grieving the girl I will never have (my pregnancies are so horrendous I couldn't do it to myself or my husband again!), because now a few hours later, I am still disappointed, but also feel more bonded to the bub inside me. Hardly makes sense to me either!

And I think my mourning for a girl, is about having such a close relationship with my mum, loving growing up as a girl and doing all the "girly" things- shopping, pedicures, chick flicks. And also the fear that as a future MIL, I will have women in my son's lives that may not let me be as much a part of their weddings and babies lives as I would like to be. And all the cute pink things.....

Maybe sounds pathetic to some, but there you go. Don't feel I can discuss this anywhere else 'cos it has guilt attached....

Makes perfect sense. I was told all through the pregnancy that I'd be having a boy. Even the day before her birth she was still being called a boy by all around us at the hospital! When she was born, I was shocked, I had a name picked out, I thought I would have a son. I loved my daughter the moment she was placed in my arms but I really, really wanted my boy that I believed was growing inside of me. It's not that I didn't want my girl, I wanted both. maybe that's becasue I was initially expecting 2 of them, I wanted to walk out with 2 of them, I don't know but I loved my girl and she would die for her the minute she was born, but where was my boy? not there, it's a hard feeling to explain.

Not quite the same as gender disappointment, but still pretty close.

[Lemonhead]

:hugs:

Some things seem irrational to some people, but they really are rational to others.

A milk phobia, for instance, seems irrational to me ;) but I can understand it's very real and rational to someone else.

I reckon! :barf:its even worse thanks to MS! BLERGHHHH :footinmouth:.

I wonder if GD has something to do with wanting to give the other person what they want? Like most men I know want a son, so maybe some women feel like they have failed their partners if they dont give them a son kwim? Hmm... :detective:

[AnnaT]

helbells :hugs:

Im a believer that being a mother to a daughter IS different to being a mother to a son. Both have their pro's and con's. I think being a mother to a son is a more unhindered kind of relationship in the long run because from experience being a daughter and having friends with daughters; it seems the mother-daughter relationship quickly turns into a competition (being that we women are competitive by nature with other women). Not saying thats bad just that it doesnt seem to happen with boys.


But when they get to adulthood......it changes. How many MILs get to see their grandbabies being born? Get to be involved in planning their SON'S wedding? Hang out with their sons like a pp mentioned; having lunch or coffee or seeing a movie? My bet is not alot. So I miss out on all that because my daughter in law will already have a mother to be there and help with these things or not particularly like the idea of her husband being that close to his mother.

I like my MIL. We have our moments but for the most part we get along. She helped me plan my wedding and she was there to welcome her first grandchild into the world. She still thanks me to this very day for that (even though she has a daughter of her own she'll likely do the same for) because its RARE. Doesnt help my own mother isnt in my life because of her own issues. Still I would have tried to include my MIL anyway because she is equally as important.

[twotrunks]

Havent read whole thread so apologies if repeating but:
How can anyone with one or two children even imagine what GD feels like?? Or how can you NOT imagine what it would feel like, if you had 3 or 4 of one gender in a row. It's all well and good to say you are so grateful for your child (IVF or not) that you don't care about gender... but you haven't been in that situation so you cannot say if you would be disappointed or not.
Massively insensitive I think, and uninformed.
OP you said you just wanted to understand, but you make it fairly clear that you have little respect for those who have experienced GD. Especially with your comment that it is maybe about pleasing our partners??!!
I have been lucky enough to have had 2 of each gender, but can vividly imagine how I would feel if I had 4 of one only. I have nothing but utmost sympathy for people experiencing GD, and don't get why they have to explain themselves so that you can understand it better.
sorry if that all sounds a bit harsh :)

[mum2bubba]

When I found out I was expecting a boy, I was disapointed at first, not really sure why. It lasted a few months, then when I saw my son for the first time I looked back and couldn't believe I ever felt disapointed like that. I love my children no matter what genders they are. If I had another baby I woud prefer another boy but if it's a girl I would be happy too.

Some people, even after their child(ren) is born they still have some sort of resentment/disapointment, it's very real. Unless you have been in our shoes then you haven't got a clue. And yes, I did feel horrible and I know there are many people out there who cannot have children and would give anything to have a child of any gender.

Thanks for making us feel oh so great. :rolleyes:

[SassyMummy]

I know that DPs family want me to have a son for them. DP is the only one who can carry on the family name, and thus they'll be hoping that I give them an "heir."

I do suspect that even though I don't really care about continuing on his family name, or about having a boy, I think I may feel a little disappointed if I never have a son, because I know that it'll be disappointing a lot of others, and while it's not MY fault at all, I'll still feel a bit guilty that I didn't give DP and his family the son they had hoped for.

[1+1=5]

Havent read whole thread so apologies if repeating but:
How can anyone with one or two children even imagine what GD feels like?? Or how can you NOT imagine what it would feel like, if you had 3 or 4 of one gender in a row. It's all well and good to say you are so grateful for your child (IVF or not) that you don't care about gender... but you haven't been in that situation so you cannot say if you would be disappointed or not.
Massively insensitive I think, and uninformed.
OP you said you just wanted to understand, but you make it fairly clear that you have little respect for those who have experienced GD. Especially with your comment that it is maybe about pleasing our partners??!!
I have been lucky enough to have had 2 of each gender, but can vividly imagine how I would feel if I had 4 of one only. I have nothing but utmost sympathy for people experiencing GD, and don't get why they have to explain themselves so that you can understand it better.
sorry if that all sounds a bit harsh :)

thanks :hugs:....because my GD is still raw for me. I'm not ashamed and i don't think others should be either.

[Lemonhead]

Havent read whole thread so apologies if repeating but:
How can anyone with one or two children even imagine what GD feels like?? Or how can you NOT imagine what it would feel like, if you had 3 or 4 of one gender in a row. It's all well and good to say you are so grateful for your child (IVF or not) that you don't care about gender... but you haven't been in that situation so you cannot say if you would be disappointed or not.
Massively insensitive I think, and uninformed.
OP you said you just wanted to understand, but you make it fairly clear that you have little respect for those who have experienced GD. Especially with your comment that it is maybe about pleasing our partners??!!
I have been lucky enough to have had 2 of each gender, but can vividly imagine how I would feel if I had 4 of one only. I have nothing but utmost sympathy for people experiencing GD, and don't get why they have to explain themselves so that you can understand it better.
sorry if that all sounds a bit harsh :)

Doesnt constructive discussion and education equal understanding and acceptance?

We are encouraged to ask questions etc to better our knowledge of something so thats what Im doing. It wasnt to hurt anyone or rub it in or anything:sunshine:

[1+1=5]

Doesnt constructive discussion and education equal understanding and acceptance?

We are encouraged to ask questions etc to better our knowledge of something so thats what Im doing. It wasnt to hurt anyone or rub it in or anything:sunshine:
Bek, you didn't ask a question, you stated a very strong opinion which is very hurtful and ignorant.

[Lemonhead]

Bek, you didn't ask a question, you stated a very strong opinion which is very hurtful and ignorant.

Sorry you took it that way, I said I didnt understand it...therefore, please enlighten me, help me see what its all about. Thats what it meant.

Ignorant, yeah...why else would I be asking about it? :confused: Fuschia and a few other non defensive posters really did help me see what its like to feel GD.

[Lolanthe]

I don't understand it either. I have been through hell and back on my TCC journey, and have had several losses. A healthy baby is all some people ever want, who gives a crap what the gender is.

[melbryan]

People come on here to see whether what they are feeling is felt by others. They then look for support from others in the same situation.
GD is real and it hurts like hell. What you are saying is that people who experience GD are not allowed to feel sad or should be thankful to even get a baby.
If I got a 4th boy, in my mind I would have thought I would never have that daughter mother relationship I would miss out on the weddings, formals and getting a first boyfriend talks . It 's the grief associated with all of THAT loss. I know I would have gone my whole life wondering what life would have been like to raise a daughter. It doesn't make me love my boys any less but I had a plan ,plans don't always work out but I had a real reason to feel disappointed. I got that daughter and very thankful I did and despite what others say girls and boys are different and have their good points and bad. I do believe my hubby has become a lot softer since we have had our daughter I love seeing their bond.
UNderstand we all have certain hopes for our lives and when plans don't turn out you are allowed to be upset.

[Guest]

I had never heard of this until I read it here and read womens posts and then I understood it.
I never had it myself, but I realised dh did when I was pregnant. All he ever said was she, my daughter, I want a little girl etc etc. then I started getting irked myself and said stop saying its a girl because it's probably a boy and sure enough at our scan it was a boy. He was silent all the way home??? He did get over it though and as soon as he was born and now it's forgotten. Can't imagine life without him.
However, he's started it again, he wants to ttc (while I'm holding it off) and he's like I hope it's a girl, ds needs a sister.... He has this dream of a girl that I can't understand, me I think practically like it'd be nice to have another boy so I can re-use all his clothes? but I don't mind either way because a girl would be great too. So I keep reminding him it might be a boy again and we might never have a girl. I can see though if it is a boy again, he will mourn the daughter he's been dreaming of and may never have, so I don't think there is anything I could say to help those feelings?

[peanutbutter&jelly]

I had a touch with Phoenix.
Mine wasn't because I didn't want a boy entirely. I didn't want the stress of that extra little bit of chance that my baby would have Asperger's. Since the genetic component (whether this part is legit or not is scientifically up in the air, I believe it plays a big role though) was already there thanks to his Daddy dearest, I didn't want the extra worry of him being a boy.
However, he is.
He is meeting his social milestones thus far
:smiliedance:
He is apparently normal :bee:


BUT after watching some of my beautiful friends experience so much pain in trying to have a baby, be it their first or second, I wish people would be more appreciative of a healthy child.
I know this isn't so for everyone, some people have a longing for a boy or girl and I really do feel for them. But I don't *get* it.

[oleander]

I can understand gender disappointment. I really wanted a girl when I was pregnant with my DD and convinced myself it was a boy so I wouldn't be disappointed. Turned out I got my DD. Next time I'm happy with either sex because i have my girl.

[RHJ]

Can i put it to you this way, it may or may not help you to understand.

You said you had tried for a long time to have a child.... If Someone had come to you and said that they didn't understand your longing to have your own children, that you should just adopt or something, how would you feel. A baby is a baby right? your own or otherwise?
Some (certainly not all... it is just an example) people feel that adopting a child for them may not give them the same feeling as having their own biological child. They may long for a child of their own, who looks like them, who has some of their personality traits, or looks like their partner etc. would you just tell that person to get over it and just adopted a child (even though they would grow to love and adore that child as their own)
Others who don't look at it this way may not understand why they long so much for their own biological child. It may Irk them that they don't just adopt a baby, and move on. But the fact is, the woman and her partner can't help how they feel. They can't turn off their feelings just because others may not understand them. Their longing is just the way that they feel, and to them, having their own child would really help to make their family feel complete.


For ME and my GD, I had 2 boys already, and desperately longed for a mother daughter relationship, something that hopefully would turn out similar to my own with my mother. I am very close to her, i love spending time with her, she is a huge part of my life. She has been there with me for all my important events, and has been involved in the births of my children, planning my wedding etc. But for me, i feel that generally the mothers of the men in relationships are often left out of these events as they really focus more around the female. I LOVE my boys to pieces, and think my 3rd (the only one i experienced GD with) is the most precious, wonderful child in the world. But for me, i still feel sad and upset that i will never ever have a mother daughter relationship. I won't get to experience that... no matter what i do, my feelings just won't change. It isn't wrong for me to feel this way. I am not hurting anyone else, and i am not able to control it. I don't expect others to feel it, or fully understand it unless they have been through it, but just like someone who can't have children but who wants to, i can't change what i want... no matter what others opinions are on the topic.
All i can ask is that they keep their irritation with me away from the GD threads here, where i can generally feel like i am normal, and that the way i feel is ok, and that i am not alone.
I think the huge misconception is that those who have GD don't love the baby they have! They do!!!!! they just long for the baby that they won't have! Just like a mother who never gives birth but adopts MAY feel longing for the baby she will never give birth to.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Can i put it to you this way, it may or may not help you to understand.

You said you had tried for a long time to have a child.... If Someone had come to you and said that they didn't understand your longing to have your own children, that you should just adopt or something, how would you feel. A baby is a baby right? your own or otherwise?
Some (certainly not all... it is just an example) people feel that adopting a child for them may not give them the same feeling as having their own biological child. They may long for a child of their own, who looks like them, who has some of their personality traits, or looks like their partner etc. would you just tell that person to get over it and just adopted a child (even though they would grow to love and adore that child as their own)
Others who don't look at it this way may not understand why they long so much for their own biological child. It may Irk them that they don't just adopt a baby, and move on. But the fact is, the woman and her partner can't help how they feel. They can't turn off their feelings just because others may not understand them. Their longing is just the way that they feel, and to them, having their own child would really help to make their family feel complete.


For ME and my GD, I had 2 boys already, and desperately longed for a mother daughter relationship, something that hopefully would turn out similar to my own with my mother. I am very close to her, i love spending time with her, she is a huge part of my life. She has been there with me for all my important events, and has been involved in the births of my children, planning my wedding etc. But for me, i feel that generally the mothers of the men in relationships are often left out of these events as they really focus more around the female. I LOVE my boys to pieces, and think my 3rd (the only one i experienced GD with) is the most precious, wonderful child in the world. But for me, i still feel sad and upset that i will never ever have a mother daughter relationship. I won't get to experience that... no matter what i do, my feelings just won't change. It isn't wrong for me to feel this way. I am not hurting anyone else, and i am not able to control it. I don't expect others to feel it, or fully understand it unless they have been through it, but just like someone who can't have children but who wants to, i can't change what i want... no matter what others opinions are on the topic.
All i can ask is that they keep their irritation with me away from the GD threads here, where i can generally feel like i am normal, and that the way i feel is ok, and that i am not alone.
I think the huge misconception is that those who have GD don't love the baby they have! They do!!!!! they just long for the baby that they won't have! Just like a mother who never gives birth but adopts MAY feel longing for the baby she will never give birth to.


*sigh*
So perfectly, wonderfully written :goodvibes:
Exactly the way I feel.

[MummaBear03]

I had a touch with Phoenix.
Mine wasn't because I didn't want a boy entirely. I didn't want the stress of that extra little bit of chance that my baby would have Asperger's. Since the genetic component (whether this part is legit or not is scientifically up in the air, I believe it plays a big role though) was already there thanks to his Daddy dearest, I didn't want the extra worry of him being a boy.
However, he is.
He is meeting his social milestones thus far
:smiliedance:
He is apparently normal :bee:


BUT after watching some of my beautiful friends experience so much pain in trying to have a baby, be it their first or second, I wish people would be more appreciative of a healthy child.
I know this isn't so for everyone, some people have a longing for a boy or girl and I really do feel for them. But I don't *get* it.

DD's father apparently has Asperger's so I found out, and so does DD. It's also on my side so I don't know where she got hers from.

[RHJ]

thanks Faroutbrusselsprout :D
I wasn't sure if it made sense.

[The Girls Only Club]

Hayden&ryan&joel very well said.Thank You.

I am experiencing GD at the moment with my 3rd bubs.I have 2 wonderful daughters who I love with all my heart,the moment I hold my baby girl in my arms I will love her just as much,but I can't help but wish she was a boy.My head is telling me it is a girl and 2 ultrasounds say the same but my heart believes they will hand me my boy.

I talk to my baby girl(her name is Isabella this week but that's the 4th name we have chosen so far)I rub my belly and tell her I can't wait to see her,Her draws are filled with girls clothes(given to me)and I hold them and tell her how cute she will look wearing them,
but a part of me wants to be able to give all those clothes back and put blue blankets on the cot,I feel bad all the time that I feel this way and when I read others say" oh you should be happy either way" and "ive been trying for years I would be happy just to hold a baby" it makes me feel 10 times worse.

[1+1=5]

*sigh*
So perfectly, wonderfully written :goodvibes:
Exactly the way I feel.

:iagree: made me teary. you said it really nicely without getting emotive like me :)

[RHJ]

:iagree: made me teary. you said it really nicely without getting emotive like me :)
I have had a little longer to get my emotions under control hun. xoxo I know if i was seeing this 2 years ago i would be reacting exactly as you did. :hugs:

[raisingthree]

Hayden&Ryan&Joel

Perfectly said - that is a great way of putting it.

I had GD with my second son.

Funnily enough, my daughter is the hardest baby of all three, I haven't slept for two years. I love her but she is "very spirited". My boys were much much easier as babies and if they were fed they were fine.

The way I explain my GD was that 100% I wanted a healthy baby and 99.9% I wanted a girl.

[Liddy]

Can i put it to you this way, it may or may not help you to understand.

You said you had tried for a long time to have a child.... If Someone had come to you and said that they didn't understand your longing to have your own children, that you should just adopt or something, how would you feel. A baby is a baby right? your own or otherwise?
Some (certainly not all... it is just an example) people feel that adopting a child for them may not give them the same feeling as having their own biological child. They may long for a child of their own, who looks like them, who has some of their personality traits, or looks like their partner etc. would you just tell that person to get over it and just adopted a child (even though they would grow to love and adore that child as their own)
Others who don't look at it this way may not understand why they long so much for their own biological child. It may Irk them that they don't just adopt a baby, and move on. But the fact is, the woman and her partner can't help how they feel. They can't turn off their feelings just because others may not understand them. Their longing is just the way that they feel, and to them, having their own child would really help to make their family feel complete.


For ME and my GD, I had 2 boys already, and desperately longed for a mother daughter relationship, something that hopefully would turn out similar to my own with my mother. I am very close to her, i love spending time with her, she is a huge part of my life. She has been there with me for all my important events, and has been involved in the births of my children, planning my wedding etc. But for me, i feel that generally the mothers of the men in relationships are often left out of these events as they really focus more around the female. I LOVE my boys to pieces, and think my 3rd (the only one i experienced GD with) is the most precious, wonderful child in the world. But for me, i still feel sad and upset that i will never ever have a mother daughter relationship. I won't get to experience that... no matter what i do, my feelings just won't change. It isn't wrong for me to feel this way. I am not hurting anyone else, and i am not able to control it. I don't expect others to feel it, or fully understand it unless they have been through it, but just like someone who can't have children but who wants to, i can't change what i want... no matter what others opinions are on the topic.
All i can ask is that they keep their irritation with me away from the GD threads here, where i can generally feel like i am normal, and that the way i feel is ok, and that i am not alone.
I think the huge misconception is that those who have GD don't love the baby they have! They do!!!!! they just long for the baby that they won't have! Just like a mother who never gives birth but adopts MAY feel longing for the baby she will never give birth to.

That was really well written:iagree:

I've never experienced gender dissapointment myself but I think that if our next bub was to be a girl, DP and I would start to 'worry' that we might never get a son. We both want a son, for me it's because I want to experience raising boys and girls, I assumed they're totally different and want to know what it's like to have a son. For DP he wants a son to do all those boy things with. I always pictured myself with boys so to get 2 girls was quite surprising, I didn't expect it, so I still have that longing for a little boy. And I find it really hard to get my head around that we could have 4/5 girls.. that'd just feel strange for me especially because i've never really been hugely girly girly myself, don't get me wrong I LOVE shopping for my girls and i'm stoked to have 2 but having all girls would be abit unusual for me, especially because DP and I both grew up in mainly boy families.
Time will tell:cool:

[bellangel3]

I've never experienced gender dissapointment myself but I think that if our next bub was to be a girl, DP and I would start to 'worry' that we might never get a son. We both want a son, for me it's because I want to experience raising boys and girls, I assumed they're totally different and want to know what it's like to have a son. For DP he wants a son to do all those boy things with. I always pictured myself with boys so to get 2 girls was quite surprising, I didn't expect it, so I still have that longing for a little boy. And I find it really hard to get my head around that we could have 4/5 girls.. that'd just feel strange for me especially because i've never really been hugely girly girly myself, don't get me wrong I LOVE shopping for my girls and i'm stoked to have 2 but having all girls would be abit unusual for me, especially because DP and I both grew up in mainly boy families.
Time will tell:cool:[/QUOTE]



That is exactly how I am feeling too, I could have written it myself!!!

[Krazy5]

[QUOTE=RebekahLeigh;4675275] I have always loved the idea of having boys and once I found out Lucas was a boy we were soooo happy and I have this feling of "I dont care what I get now" because I got him. Does that make sense? Maybe thats why its hard for me to understand, because I have never longed for a DD and I got my boy first go.

hmmm I wonder how you would feel if things hadnt turned out quite like you obviously wanted (you got your boy first go) or if you never got a boy and had girls....

I am a mum to 4 girls and now a boy

I had gd slightly after my 3rd pregnancy scan but once bub was born all was great, i do understand it, i also understand "just want a healthy bub" i think we all want this FIRST before any preference of gender.

I also think that all those morons out there that say to expectant mums "oh i bet after all those girls you want a boy" or vice versa.......these sorts of comments also instil disappointment...i couldn't count how many stupid insensitive comments were made to me.

my girls are beautiful and my boy is gorgeous :flowerz: and i love them all

[Leeee]

i don't think i could cope with having all boys lol i've wanted girls every since i decided i wanted children when i was about 10. of course i 'll love any baby that comes out but i will be doing my darndest to sway ALL of them to girls lol a houseful of girls is, like, my dream. i don't understand boys.

[SpottySocks]

I've never experienced gender disappointment, I think if I had 3 boys I may have, but am not really sure. I can understand everyone's concern about missing out on the mother/daughter relationship and about being a MIL. My brother has the wife from hell and she has caused my mum a great deal of heartbreak, because of this I go out of my way to create a good relationship with my mil - fortunately she is lovely so it's not hard.

Our oldest has a severe developmental condition that occurs only in girls and only appears between the ages of 6 & 12 months, she had only just been diagnosed prior to our 2nd daughter being born - even when the midwife said it's a girl I didn't feel gender disappointment (even though everyone else in the room gasped knowing she may have the same condition - which she doesn't).

When baby no. 3 came along we had CVS testing done early and knew it was another girl from early on, although we kept it a secret and when people asked if we knew what sex we were having we told them we were having a surprise. Both DH and I were hoping for another girl, even though it was the last chance for a boy to carry on DH's surname, for us that wasn't an issue, having one severely disabled child meant we were just happy to have a healthy baby.

What does "irk" me is when I was pregnant with DD3 people would say "you must be hoping for a boy" or now they say "are you going back for a boy?" I was always hoping for a baby and if we did go back for no 4 (which we won't be) then I would be "going back" for a baby!

[jdcjmummy]

Can i put it to you this way, it may or may not help you to understand.

You said you had tried for a long time to have a child.... If Someone had come to you and said that they didn't understand your longing to have your own children, that you should just adopt or something, how would you feel. A baby is a baby right? your own or otherwise?
Some (certainly not all... it is just an example) people feel that adopting a child for them may not give them the same feeling as having their own biological child. They may long for a child of their own, who looks like them, who has some of their personality traits, or looks like their partner etc. would you just tell that person to get over it and just adopted a child (even though they would grow to love and adore that child as their own)
Others who don't look at it this way may not understand why they long so much for their own biological child. It may Irk them that they don't just adopt a baby, and move on. But the fact is, the woman and her partner can't help how they feel. They can't turn off their feelings just because others may not understand them. Their longing is just the way that they feel, and to them, having their own child would really help to make their family feel complete.


For ME and my GD, I had 2 boys already, and desperately longed for a mother daughter relationship, something that hopefully would turn out similar to my own with my mother. I am very close to her, i love spending time with her, she is a huge part of my life. She has been there with me for all my important events, and has been involved in the births of my children, planning my wedding etc. But for me, i feel that generally the mothers of the men in relationships are often left out of these events as they really focus more around the female. I LOVE my boys to pieces, and think my 3rd (the only one i experienced GD with) is the most precious, wonderful child in the world. But for me, i still feel sad and upset that i will never ever have a mother daughter relationship. I won't get to experience that... no matter what i do, my feelings just won't change. It isn't wrong for me to feel this way. I am not hurting anyone else, and i am not able to control it. I don't expect others to feel it, or fully understand it unless they have been through it, but just like someone who can't have children but who wants to, i can't change what i want... no matter what others opinions are on the topic.
All i can ask is that they keep their irritation with me away from the GD threads here, where i can generally feel like i am normal, and that the way i feel is ok, and that i am not alone.
I think the huge misconception is that those who have GD don't love the baby they have! They do!!!!! they just long for the baby that they won't have! Just like a mother who never gives birth but adopts MAY feel longing for the baby she will never give birth to.

That is beautiful. I also have 3 boys and that is my main issue. Grieving the loss of never being able to have a mother daughter relationship like i have with my mum.

Oh well I will just have to do my best to become very close to my future daughter inlaws!

[MermaidSister]

I think often when people make those comments like "You must be hoping for a girl this time etc etc" they are just kind of off-hand, first thing that springs to mind if someone has more than one child of the same gender. When i was pregnant with my daughter, i used to sometimes say "It'd be nice to have a girl this time" just to make conversation even though i didn't really care either way.

The only reason my parents had a 3rd child was in the hope of getting a boy. They had another girl.

This was never talked about when we were growing up so as not to offend us, but my dad let slip a few years ago that he still imagines how our lives might have been different if my youngest sister had been the boy they were hoping for.

[love2190]

I have dicided first that i want 2 baby with any of sex. No mere baby after two. And i am satisfied with now 2 baby. This has one more reason that one is boy and other is girs.

[MummaBear03]

The family over the road are expecting their 3rd.

They have a 5 year old girl but when she was born, the dad went to jail and the mum was always high, drunk or both so she was in the care of child safety by 6 months of age and they got her back just before she turned 5 last year.

They have a little boy who turns 1 in June and both have been very much involved in his life, with her being a SAHM and him working a 3 or 4 day week doing seasonal work which has meant having time off for 3 months every year. They are both extremely involved with him.

She's due for a baby in August. They said a boy would be nice, with 2 little boys close in age they would be great mates, but a little girl would be nice since they missed out on so much of their girl's life and swore they'd never miss a moment of their childrens' lives again.

Yet when she had the scan to find out gender, they found out they're having another girl and are both feeling quite down about that.

He said he wanted a boy because that way the 2 little boys could share a room but now they'll have to have a 5, almost 6 year old girl in with a baby and he said that's not a good set up. So he's looking at convenience. She has no idea why she's feeling down about it because she thought it would be nice either way but now she feels like she doesn't want the baby anymore because she doesn't want another girl.

I guess sometimes it just hits and there is no explanation for it at all.

[KathleenMarie]

I totally get GD.

DF and I have been TTC #1 for two years. We are desperate for a baby, but I am desperate for a girl - DF says he doesn't mind. Even though I will be over the moon if/when we finally conceive, I know that I will be absolutely gutted if it's a boy.

I can't decide whether it would be better to find out at the scan so I know it's a boy - i'm sure it will be - and get used to that, or wait until the baby is born so I will love the baby regardless.

I totally agree with other posters - it's not about the baby you have but about the one you don't. And at my age after TTC for so long and still nothing I have to start thinking that we may only have one, if any :no:

[helsbells]

"I can't decide whether it would be better to find out at the scan so I know it's a boy - i'm sure it will be - and get used to that, or wait until the baby is born so I will love the baby regardless."
Kathleen Marie, having just found out myself at my 20 week scan I am expecting a boy (when I wanted a girl), I would recommend not finding out until the birth. I wanted a girl for my first pregnancy too, but that time we did not find out, and when my boy was presented to me after delivery, I was surprised to find that I couldn't have cared less! This time, I have 20 weeks to dwell on my disappointment before I meet the little fellow and fall in love with him anyway.

In my experience, until you meet your baby (especially the first one), it isn't hard to imagine that maybe you won't love a boy as much, or be as excited about the whole outcome as you would if it was a girl. But it seems most of the other posters are all in agreement with me, that the joy and love of your new baby is the same regardless of the sex, and the longing for the child of the other sex is something quite separate from that, and doesn't "ruin" the new baby experience/ love. It doesn't mean I am not still desperate for a girl!!!!

Hope that advice helps a bit.

[GraceUnhearing]

sorry to irk you Rebekah. Unless you go through it, you have no idea what its like. Its nothing you can explain because it goes against all logic, you either get it or you don't. be happy that you don't.

thats exactly right

you clearly have no idea about it
so why put down women who do
why not start on women who get PND too?
just cause you dont have it doesnt mean its means any less

[SomewhereOverTheRainbow]

To be honest the first time I heard the term gender disappointment my first reaction was how can you be disapointed in a healthy baby. But then I thought about it puting my own feelings aside and realised that even thought I may not understand it, I can have empathy for people who suffer it as to them they are greiving the little boy they wanted or the little girl they wanted.

I think to understand some situations we have to take our own feeling out of the equation and see it from there side KWIM.

:iagree: with Amy. :yes:

I can understand that some people might feel disappointed in certain genders, but I would always hope that the health of the baby would take priority in their mind.
I remember going to my morph scan in my second pregnancy and DH and I were hoping to find out the gender. It's all we had talked about for days, we really wanted a girl.
Turns out our baby had died. An induction and 36hrs later, we got to meet him. He was tiny but perfect. All DH could say to me for a while afterwards was that having another little boy would have been so lovely. We both miss him so much. :(
We did get a daughter the following year, but I couldn't have cared less what we had, because my perspective had changed. At the end of the day, a healthy baby is still the most important thing whether it has a penis or a vagina.

I can understand and appreciate that not everyone has experiences like mine though, not everyone struggles to get pregnant either..and that some people feel much more strongly about it.

[Sheer Bliss]

No time to read all of the thread...sorry If I am repeating things.

Generally gender dissapointment ISN'T about the baby you ARE having, it's about the baby you AREN'T having. I was upset when I found out DS wasn't a girl. I had this lovely picture of DD having a baby sister, close in age, like best friends who would grow up together etc etc. It was this little fantasy I had in my head, that just didn't happen when we found out I wasn't having a girl. It was irrational - yes, but could I control how I FELT - :no:. Feelings are feelings, end of story. Once my little boy arrived, I was so excited, he is perfect, and there is no way i'd ever change him.

[Raising Leprechauns]

Well this thread has certainly enlightened me. (However badly some thoughts have been expressed...)

I was always sorry for mothers who experienced GD. But being the mother of one of each, and never having struggled to fall pregnant I didnt "get" how real it was. I never cared what sex I had and never found out via scan.

:hugs: to all you ladies who have been through this. And I do now understand how real this is for you. The explaination that you are mourning the loss, rather than not loving the child you have really helped explain it - as much as such deep emotions can be explained.

[Shellfish]

I can understand that some people might feel disappointed in certain genders, but I would always hope that the health of the baby would take priority in their mind.


:iagree:

[muls]

GD is something that can happen to anyone and it is something you cannot control. I have 2 beautiful healthy boys and was about to purchase a book to help me conceive a girl when a surprise was dropped in my lap - I am already 5.5wks pregnant. I have had some bleeding and am petrefied that I will lose this baby as I lost my first baby. I really want a girl nothing will stop that urge. I don't hate myself for it as I know if I have a boy I will love him as much as my others but I shouldn't be judged for my own personal wants and needs.
Everyone no matter what is said in the heat of the moment wants and loves whatever children they are given but we should be allowed to grieve the children we cannot have.
I hope anyone who is going through this is open with someone about their feelings and that is what bub hub is for - so people can open up about their feeling in a safe and supportive environment.
Good luck and fingers crossed to anyone that wants a certain gender!!!! xxo

[nat278]

I really dont understand gender disappointment.

Maybe I would have if we had no trouble TTC or hadn't experienced any losses but seriously I just dont get how people cant be sooo overjoyed that they are getting a healthy baby.

It irks me a bit, because I think of how many people out there that are going through IVF and those who are infertile who would give anything for a baby of any sex.

I really couldnt care less if I got all boys...Im actually really excited to have a house full of boys :laughing: I must be mad.

People get GD for many and varying reasons, I personally would like a girl next time round but will not be worried to hear 'it's a boy' but my DH on the otherhand will be, for a while anyhow then will get on with it and love his son like he did with our last bubba.

The reason my DH has GD is because he has a DD that he has not been allowed to see grow up, the BM took her away as a baby and he has not been able to find them. He would LOVE a DD not to replace her but to experience life with a DD. He also would love a DD as it would bring his mother alot of happiness to have a little granddaughter, out of him and his siblings he is the only one who will have children so our kids are her only GK.

He loves his 3 sons he is a great Dad but there is a desire there for him that says 'i want a girl' just like I have a desire there saying 'i want another baby 3 kids isn't enough' you can't control it it just is there and doesn't mean you don't love you baby/child any less just means you have GD for a while then move on.

My brother has 4 kids now, all IVF miracles, 2 girls and 2 boys in that order, When his wife was expecting their 3rd child he was disappointed to hear 3rd was also a girl at their scan as he always desired a son to carry on the family name as my other brother doesn't think he'll ever have kids let alone settle down (he happily travels alot), turned out US was wrong and 3rd bub ended up being the boy he desired but he had GD for a while but doens't mean he was ungreatful for having a child he just had his reasons for wanting a boy.

HTH

I respect your right to put this thread on here but like a PP said I hope you posted to gain an understanding of GD rather than judge those who have been/are going through it.

[JellybeanInc]

I'm kind of going through this at the moment. I go for my 20 week scan in a few weeks and am definitely going to find out the gender of baby because DH is adamant it's going to be a boy. He is that sure that he is even refusing to discuss girl names! I've always said I wanted two little boys, but now that I am pregnant I find that more and more I really don't care! I just want a happy healthy little baby. But for DH's sake, I do hope it is a boy - then when we go for number 2 I don't think he'll mind so much if it's a girl.

So really, it's not me that has the gender disappointment issues, it's DH. I've tried asking him about it but it's not something he's very forthcoming about. He's the only boy in his family, so maybe that's got something to do with it. I believe that his issue is that he knows that he won't be able to be as strict with a lil princess; she'd have him wrapped around her ittty bitty finger from the day she was born! He's a very blokey kind of guy so it may also be that he wants a son to do all his boy things like rodeo and horses and roo shooting. But honestly, I see no reason why you can't do all of those things with a girl!

So really, I think I started out thinking I'd be disappointed with a girl, but now, so long as s/he is healthy, I really don't mind, and I'm sure that once baby is born, DH will feel the same.

[lovinmybub]

How can anyone with one or two children even imagine what GD feels like??

I have one son, with another on the way, which means I only have two. Some people may not be able to have 3 or 4 and then make the decision to stop. I was actually leaning more towards another boy this time around, but I found out all at once that it IS another boy and I may lose my ability to have more children after him. I always imagined I'd be the mum of boys, then all of a sudden I was mourning the fact that I may never be the Mum of a girl too. I cried at all the pink clothes in the shops, I cried when I got out the pink things I'd bought the first time around 'just in case'. I think I totally understand gender disapointment with my one or two children.

I have had 2 miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy. I feel THRILLED and absolutely BLESSED to be having another son. I have also felt guilty for feeling the GD, but it's just something you either do or don't experience. I love the thought of having two boys! As with some other posters, it's more the future that I'm feeling like I'll miss out on. The time when girls become women, and are close to their Mums, they are friends, there is the wedding and the coffee and the babies! Most of the time is does seem grandmothers are more involved when it's the daughters child, I'm not saying it's right, but its life!

I'm glad this thread is helping people understand. We all love our babies, and I don't think GD is just something parents with more kids go through. As people keep saying, it's not a rational thing!:yes:

[Georgias Mummy]

One of my best friends has a little girl and is now pregnant with 2 more she is very excitted about having them GD isnt affecting her directly. Unfortunately for her, her husband has now said there will be a number 4. She is very worried about how her body is going to cope with this and let alone getting twins again. What is the likely hood of a boy come on 3 girls and when is enough enough. I think that we need to think about how many children we are going to have rather than what sex the children will be. I do feel for you possibly not being able to have anymore children but think it just may well be another boy. Relax and enjoy your pregnancy, stop putting pressure on yourself and be the best mother you can be, love your bubby he or she they didnt get to decide either. A baby is a dream come true as long as its healthy who cares for pink or blue :)

If anyone is have continual worries or thoughts please seek medical advice before your bub arrives to avoid what could become PND.

[twotrunks]

I have one son, with another on the way, which means I only have two. Some people may not be able to have 3 or 4 and then make the decision to stop. I was actually leaning more towards another boy this time around, but I found out all at once that it IS another boy and I may lose my ability to have more children after him. I always imagined I'd be the mum of boys, then all of a sudden I was mourning the fact that I may never be the Mum of a girl too. I cried at all the pink clothes in the shops, I cried when I got out the pink things I'd bought the first time around 'just in case'. I think I totally understand gender disapointment with my one or two children.

I have had 2 miscarriages and one ectopic pregnancy. I feel THRILLED and absolutely BLESSED to be having another son. I have also felt guilty for feeling the GD, but it's just something you either do or don't experience. I love the thought of having two boys! As with some other posters, it's more the future that I'm feeling like I'll miss out on. The time when girls become women, and are close to their Mums, they are friends, there is the wedding and the coffee and the babies! Most of the time is does seem grandmothers are more involved when it's the daughters child, I'm not saying it's right, but its life!

I'm glad this thread is helping people understand. We all love our babies, and I don't think GD is just something parents with more kids go through. As people keep saying, it's not a rational thing!:yes:

Just wanted to say I'm terribly sorry for making that generalisation, your position sounds so devastating and I really feel for you :hugs:
best wishes with your pregnancy.

[lovinmybub]

Just wanted to say I'm terribly sorry for making that generalisation, your position sounds so devastating and I really feel for you :hugs:
best wishes with your pregnancy.

Thankyou. I hope I didn't sound rude.. I'm having a terrible emotional pregnant lady day today!