what to do??

[kar]

My mum looks after F (13 months) once a week and sees him quite a lot. She adores him, dotes on him all normal grandmother stuff. But, a couple of issues are arising.

1 - she completely ignores my routines for him, eg I got to her place to pick him up last week and he had fallen asleep having a bottle. At 5pm. Why was he having a bottle at his dinner time and why was he asleep?? He NEVER needs a late afternoon sleep with me when he has his proper sleep in his cot in the middle of the day. Needless to say we had a late night that night.

2. - related to No 1 - she feeds him 'tit bits' all day so he doesn't eat proper meals. Whenever he is sooky she says "oh are you hungry" no, he's not hungry, please don't shove food down his throat to stop him whinging - look at what is actually going on.

3. And this is the most significant. I have noticed a few times her saying things like "F don't be a naughty boy" etc. This is an absolute bug bear of mine. I do NOT want him being called naughty. He is not naughty. Sometimes his behavior needs to be addressed. I have also occasionally noticed her using a very slightly raised voice. Which I also don't like. IMO this should be saved for dangerous situations that need to be dealt with quickly.

How do I deal with these things?? Especially No 3 which is the one I have a real issue with and is also the one that would probably be seen as being the most 'precious'.

Please don't tell me to use the "my baby my way" approach - it is just not me and she is helping me out by looking after him each week.

I have tried a few jokes etc to no avail. What to do?? Suck it up? And with No 3 don;'t get me wrong - she is totally doting and warm but I just don't like this even occasionally.

[1+1=5]

bugger. i would try and sit down with her nicely and tell her that you are trying to give him consistency and explain to her what you do. i guess you don't have much choice when its your mum and need her to watch him. :hugs:

[NonnyMouse]

I was like you with DD, but looking back I regret that I tried to control the way they interacted with her.

In hindsight I would have let them have their own relationship with her in their own way (within reason - I still draw the line at giving lollies and sugary treats), and been confident in the fact that since I was providing the vast majority of her upbringing and guidance, it wouldn't make a lot of diference in the long run if the Grandies gave her more leeway or didn't enforce our routines.

[crazymuma]

I think if you want someone to follow your exact routine and parenting style then maybe you need to look into daycare or hire a nanny.

The special thing about grandparents is the fact that things are a little more lenient. If you trust her with your child then you need to trust she isn't going to harm him with her words or actions.

Simple fact is she obviously parents differently to you so you don't have many choices. Either confront her and put your foot down (and risk losing her as a carer), put up with it or find another babysitter.

[OJandMe]

Wow... I don't know. He's only a baby still... in my opinon kids can't even really be 'naughty' at all until about 2.

They really don't know any better until then.

Personally I'd just say. "Mum, please don't call him naughty. He's not, he doesn't understand, he's just a baby still."

My MIL did stuff like this.. and I just had to suck it up and let her get on with what worked for her, because I needed her to watch the boys while I was at prac.

In the end I made up a routine chart noting when sleep times were, and some good morningtea/afternoon tea choices were... It helped because she just didn't really know what to feed them.. so by me writing it down, or having it already prepared and in the fridge, it made it easier for us both.

Can you just say "Mum please make sure he has his midday sleep, because if he has a late sleep I can't get him to bed for ages."

My MIL was constantly doing the whole 'naughty' thing... and one thing she did that really peeved me was she'd place the blame on objects when something when wrong... (eg: if they fell off a ride-on.. instead of saying "Oopsie dais, are you okay? Let's try and be more careful" she'd say "Oh.. my poor boy! Naughty car!! (and then she'd 'smack' the car)") Drove me NUTS because it basically taught them blameshifting... and even now at 5 I get "It wasn't my fault it was the trampoline/bike/bookshelf"... :banghead:

[MsMummy]

I think it's a difficult situation to be in.

I would gently explain that your parenting philosophy is different, and it really means a lot to you that nobody uses the term "naughty" or raises their voice.

On balance, though, I think that would be less harmful than being in larger group environment at daycare (I say this as somebody who uses family day care two days a week - no matter how high quality the care is, it's always diluted attention).

[chameleon]

Hmm, it's a hard one, because on one hand, I see how those things could frustrate you, but on the other hand they probably aren't all that serious.

I definitely understand about the wording though. I am always very aware of how I word things with my kids, and then other people do and say completely thoughtless things. I have had members of my family tell my oldest daughter that they like DD2 better:banghead: And FIL always picks on them, takes their toys and refuses to give them back, tells them he will feed the guinea pigs to the dogs and goes around pretending to punch them while singing, "punching's so much fun!":confused::thumbsdown: It drives me crazy. I always avoid seeing them now because of it. They just don't get it!

Anyway this is not about me, lol. Do you have that kind of relationship where you could have a talk with your Mum? Maybe just explain that not keeping to the routine messes with his sleep time and makes it more difficult for you. And that you feel calling him naughty is unnecessary. Perhaps just raise the issues one at a time so it doesn't feel so much like an attack?

[puddinpie]

I agree with Nonny :yes:. The vast majority of his time is with you and he will learn your ways, so to speak. Kids aren't silly, I know he's only 13 months but as time goes on he will understand that there are different rules at Grandmas and that Grandma is different in her ways. Not better or worse, just different.

As he gets older there is no way you'll be able to control the situations he finds himself in so it's a good thing that he learns early how to cope with different rules and expectations, if that makes sense.

I do agree with you in terms of the "naughty" though, babies at 13 months don't know who they are yet so it's up to us to tell them. If we tell them they are lovely and kind they will believe it, if we tell them they are naughty and mischevious they will believe it. Young children will work hard to fulfil the role we give them in our families. Maybe if you explain it like that to your mum she'll understand?

[lilli]

I think if you want someone to follow your exact routine and parenting style then maybe you need to look into daycare or hire a nanny.

The special thing about grandparents is the fact that things are a little more lenient. If you trust her with your child then you need to trust she isn't going to harm him with her words or actions.


:iagree:

If you want routines to be enforced then go to daycare. Grandparents are first and foremost grandparents, it's in their very nature to do things like that.

[BabelFish]

I was like you with DD, but looking back I regret that I tried to control the way they interacted with her.

In hindsight I would have let them have their own relationship with her in their own way (within reason - I still draw the line at giving lollies and sugary treats), and been confident in the fact that since I was providing the vast majority of her upbringing and guidance, it wouldn't make a lot of diference in the long run if the Grandies gave her more leeway or didn't enforce our routines.
This.

We have specifics that are absolute `no-no's. For example, smacking (not that my parents would smack my kids but it's still a rule). No sugary treats etc.

Luckily Mum, Dad and us are on the same page with these kinds of things so it's never an issue.

Also, they stick pretty closely to our routine whenever they possibly can, too, so I think it's fair of you to have an issue with that with your MIL/Mum.

I agree with you on the word `naughty' though and it's not used by us or our parents. Because I said it once to DD and she is STILL going around calling herself naughty even when she isn't. Yeah, bring on the mother guilt.

But as far as raising her voice slightly to your child. I'm sorry but I do not think that is realistic. If nobody ever raises their voice to your child EVER, I think he might miss out on learning how to cope with a certain type of stress and a certain type of important behaviour.

Anger is not an emotion that should be hidden, shied away from, or made to feel as though it is shameful. Properly expressed anger and resolution is a very important part of a child's learning curve.

If he is taught that raising your voice is never, ever allowed or acceptable, what will happen when he is older and wants to shout himself? What if he is frustrated and just wants to yell at something? That should be ok, IMO. Of course you are going to want to teach him constructive ways to deal with anger, of course. But sometimes you just wanna be loud, yanno?

And if you put such a restriction on yourself and his other caregivers it will really make life very tough.

There is no need for screaming or yelling or really loud shouting. But slightly raising your voice in certain situations ... well no I really have to say that this is just a part of life.

[waterlily]

This is your Mother, yiu dont need to be mean about it! Can't you just explain that if she doesn't roughly follow your routine it really makes it hard for you and F at home?
Maybe you could write his routine down. Evey nap, feed, bottle time ect. And just say Mum your a wonderful grandmother but I want to try F on a routin as I think it will be good for all of us.

[Lily of the Nile]

Yeah, it's your mum, you can talk frankly. Just let her know he was sleeping when he shouldn't have been because he was up all night, so thats why you want him asleep at a certain time and eating his proper meals rather than nibbling, because it's making things harder for you when you bring him home. I'm sure she'll understand that...
With the naughty and slightly raised voice, I wouldn't be too bothered, but if it really really bothers you, you have to say something, I'm not sure how, but I guess explain why it bothers you.
However, from experience with neices/nephews and our parents, they act one way at our parents home and differently at home or anywhere else. They know how to act at home and what they can and can't get away with. Generally, they are more influenced by their parents and no one else. My parents and dh's parents reap what they sow iykwim? They run a muck there, but are perfect at home... rascals :laughing:

[ManekiNeko]

Ha Kar I wish I had the right answer... The only true way I myself know how to stop this is moving to another state, changing your address and identity and never having contact again :laughing: Obviously not really a feasable answer but it seems some women just don't get it.

[SuperGranny]

hello kar, From a grandmothers side, I dont think there is any thing too serious in your problems. If it bothers you so much , then surely a quite word with your mum would be all it needs. But if she doesnt follow your directions and she keeps doing what she is doing, really is there any harm?? You need her to baby sit, and there is a good relationship happening here, just let it slide, grandmas are allowed to do things different, if you are really upset, then you need to find someone else. Marie.

[kar]

thanks everyone, general consensus seems to be that i am being precious!

maybe things have been heightened in the last couple of weeks because mum has been on holidays and i have worked much more than normal so she has actually had him 2-3 full days the last couple of weeks.

i think i made it clear in my original post that i am very greatful that she can look after him and that's precisely why i have not intention of taking a "my baby my rules" approach or telling her she can't look after him! i totally agree that grandparents have a different relationship than parents!

we believe really strongly in not labeling the person but the behaviour, and dealing with words is what i do for a living so maybe i am a bit more sensitive to it than most! we also don't believe in raised voices except for important things. to me, a baby only needs a raised voice to alert to danger. but i agree entirely that a much loved and nurtured babe is not going to be traumatised by having a voice raised every now and then! maybe i do need to suck it up!