Negative Husband

[kgirl]

Hi all I am new to the site, 24 weeks pregnant next week and finding in general my husband very hard to cope with. He has only been home for about 8-10 weeks all year. Only arrived home at easter after a deployment in Middle East and away alot since then. We planned to have a baby and before he left he was happy about the idea, now hates the idea, says its the worst thing that could happen and we can't afford it. He just goes on an on. I know that as a kid he never had his dad around and I believe there is a lot of fear in what is happening, he is very detached emotionally, doesn't take much interest in the baby but at the same time asks me to tell him when the baby starts to kick. He says he still wants our marriage and wont leave me or his baby and knows that his behaviour is not good and I don't deserve it yet he continues. He has admitted today that he hasn't been happy since he got back from O/S but doesn't know why.
I don't know what actually happened when he was there and understand that Iwill not know exactly what happened. He says I am so good to him best wife in t
he world he calls it.
I have suggest councilling together but he is just interested and says its a waste of money and time.
I just need some help or advice if anyone can.

[madvoice]

Is he in the Military? If so, he should be getting very well paid for his deployments in the ME (I'm RAAF and I'm aware of the payments available). If he says he's broke after a deployment I'd be asking questions . It sounds like he's trying to shut you out. If he's in the military there are FREE counselling services available. You wouldn't have to pay AT ALL. It sounds like a bit of a cop out to me.

Though on a positive note, it might pay to sit down with him at a quiet time and discuss a few things with him. Don't go into specifics with regards to what happened overseas (he could've witnessed someone being killed or been close to the firing line). Tell him that you're there for him but you need him to be there for you too. If you ever need to talk just PM me ok.

[Norman]

The Defence Force does have a comprehensive support network for defence members and their families. It is called the Defence Community Organisation. They have a website that details all of their services. The SA Regional Office is at Keswick Barracks, and their phone number is 08 8305 6231.

Some military members perceive that visiting DCO for advice etc leaves them vulnerable to gossip within their unit. It is however a completely confidential service should you wish it to be so.

Give them a call and see what services they offer you because pressures on a relationship only increase once a baby enters your world ...

[BJelly]

kgirl have you got any close friends or family nearby to give you support?

There's a section on this forum for military families, so you might be able to find some info and added support there.

It must be so hard for you right now - I know I was not only more emotional, but also felt so much more vulnerable when pregnant. As much as it would be ideal if your husband could be supportive of you at this time, if you think he has been traumatised in the Middle East, you might have to be the one to give him the emotional support at this time.

This baby is coming whether he is ready for it or not, so you will have to be the brave one and get things organised - eg you will need lots of help especially if he is unable to.

On a practical level, newborns can take up more time than you can imagine - the books make it sound like they are asleep more than half the day - my one didn't read that book - Some babies can be awake and crying for no known reason for hours at a time, needing your undivided attention. It is physically and emotionally exhausting work, and it's a steep learning curve looking after such little babies - it does get better, but be prepared to be very busy with the baby for the first 2-3 months.

So organise someone to help you out during this time. And don't be fooled if you get through the first week ok and decide to send your support away - as babies start to get more alert, they also get more irritatable from sensory overload and find it difficult to sleep - so even if you feel a bit silly, keep your support person around for a few weeks just in case - better safe than sorry - if they've been a Mum before, they will hopefully remember what it's like in those early days.

Don't get me wrong - I don't want to horrify you - because babies are very delightful from day one, and you will find yourself amazed at how you ever made anything so wonderful - your baby can make you love him/her like never before, but it is also a huge responsibility. And you will need to get ready for this - not easy I know, because at this stage you are probably really focussed on the birth, which is also momentous.

I can't give you any advice on how to get your husband to get the help he needs - men can be so stubborn about these things. You are obviously doing a great job and at one level he knows this. So I guess keep doing what you're doing - let him know how much you love him in words and actions.

Be gentle with each other.

I hope he decides to get the help he needs and that he is able to start looking forward to being a Dad - he will be cheating himself out of a wonderful experience if he decides to shut you and bub out.

[angelwinks]

There is also the side of he knows that you are there and loves you for being there when he comes home and standing by him through it all.
He's thinking 'What if I dont!' What if we have this beautiful child together and I dont come back. Now he's left you and bubs behind I dont think he sees this as fair on you or the bubs having to explain it to the child once he/she is old enough to understand. He's probably seen the effects over there when people arent coming home. Familys destroyed through it all and he doesnt wish this for you. You need to understand he loves you and thats why. Men try to hide their feelings and so money is a good excuse out.
I've grown up around a lot of military men so I know what they think, most of the time.
Maybe its not counselling he needs maybe its a night of you two talking well you mostly and making him see the other side of it. How proud you would be to have his child and if he's thinking like that then to let him know that if (touch wood he doesnt) that did happen then you would be ok. That you would still have a piece of him still around and youd cherish this child more because of it. Let him see the positive side of it. :o
Hope this helps.

[Ethereal]

Hi kgirl,


It must be a really difficult time for you.
What I am about to tell you is just in case.
I think the counselling is a good idea but I know first hand that sometimes people who really need it are sometimes not willing to get it-especially men who feel that they have to maintain a strong image.

At age 19 my father came to Australia in 1947 as a refugee from WW2.
Unfortunately, he witnessed many atrocities that were just too much for him to bear I think. Some of them he told us about but I think there were things that he couldn't talk about.

He didn't recieve any counselling because we just didn't know what the problem was. Or that this could even be a problem.
It was only after he passed away that it began to dawn on me that he was suffering PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
This is a condition that can affect people who experience war in one way or another.
It can happen to victims of war as well as soldiers.
It can be treated and there is a lot of information about this all over the net.
I really do not want this to happen to others.
Perhaps this is not even the case with you hubby at all. I hope not.
Maybe you just need a few romantic evenings out.

Hope all goes well