Bullying - what to do (long sorry)

[smileygirl]

Ok...a bit of background...

My DS is in a private school, in Prep. There are 19 kids in his year so it is small. There is only 1 boy smaller then him in his class.

He has been reading since he was 3...he is currently on level 20. He is also very good at maths.

He is on a failsafe diet due to rashes and hyper behaviour. On the diet...he is a great kid...active but not hyper.

I have had no issues with him being in trouble at school....

now to my issue!

About 5 weeks ago (so week 3) he started complaining about getting hurt at school. WE talked about it and narrowed it down. I saw it myself at school sport, he was being pushed and knocked down relentlessly by 1 kid. The other kids parent did nothing, so i went over. DS asked to change teams away from the child, and was allowed to. Played great with his new team while the other boy found someone else to torment. When this kid got close enough to DS, he ran and shoved him so hard in the back that had I not been there....he would have hit the ground. He did this with me there, he did not care at all.

He has been hit in the head, knocked down, pushed off the top of a slide and repeated other "attacks":gloomy: DS not the only one, he is one of many this kid picks on.

I have involved the school, his teacher and the head of junior school. They have done loads to improve it, changed duty rosters, started a social skills class, the child is being given one on one counseling and his parents have been involved.

DH and I have been working with DS about saying stop, walking away, playing somewhere else etc. Also on resilience and not caring what other say...but that is a big call when you are 5.

It has been hard to get him to go to school in the morning (where at the start of the year he was so excited and happy) but i thought it was tiredness.

Anyway, i thought things were getting better until today. Another parent pulled me aside and let me know that DS was being teased and called names because he can read. She saw him reduced to tears.

So, I asked DS today and he said it was true but was scared to dob cause he didn't want to get hurt. He said that maybe he should "go back a few levels" so he does not get teased any more. He also said that this kid does not hurt him as much, but calls him more names and "knows how to get away with it".

I am totally devestated, I have sent another email to the school letting them know how upset I am and that I want to know what will be done.

DS not going to school tomorrow anyway (totally different reason) but i am worried I won't be able to talk to them about this without crying (pregnancy is not helping lol).

What do I do? How do i put an end to this? What do i tell my son? He would never say something nasty back but what do i get him to stay?

[crazymuma]

Best advice I have ever heard when it comes to a child that is ahead in school work - is to keep it quiet from the other kids. Teach your child to not brag about it. I can't see why the other kids would even know what level of reading your son is doing.

As for the violence I would be really coming down on the school to do more about it - if they won't then I would consider moving schools. I think the longer it goes on the harder he will find it at any school as his confidence will be shot.

Do you know this childs parents - maybe you need to contact them away from the school and see if they are willing to do anything with their child.

I am afraid that I am a little old skool - my son is taught to fight back to defend himself - my son is a decent size though.

[meggs]

I think you are doing all the right things:hugs: it really makes my blood boil to see kids treated this way!! :banghead: your poor DS!! He should not be made to feel "guilty" for being ahead...

Definately keep up the positive self esteem building, he should feel confident and happy with who he is, noone else has the right to make him feel inferior...

Keep on top of the school , they will not want to get a bad name or known for this kind of thing..

i wish there was an easier solution it really is heartbreaking...

[smileygirl]

he doesn't brag about it.

They read in groups, it becomes clear. He also chooses his books from a totally different set...and this is obvious too.

He does Karate, but he is not big enough to take this kid on. I have told him that next time he tries to grab his feet when climbing a ladder to kcik back as hard as he can...and if he grabs him by the back of his shirt, to relax into it and then swing his elbow back. However, DS only comes up to the bottom of this kids ears.....and is about 5 kg lighter.

I have spoken to DS about not antagonizing people. And about different things that might annoy people, like jumping about or being silly etc etc He has taken this on board, he plays away from this kid and is calm when he is near him.

I am just so damn frustrated....this should not be happening in Prep!

[kribby]

hi luv seriously get onto the school and keep on their back until they do something!! it's not fair on your son and these issues need to be sorted!! the more you say the more likely the child will be delt with disciplinary wise! it's not good enough!! and i the school are serious they will take it a step further and either suspend him to send a message that it won't be tolerated!! if it's happening to your child still you can guarentee its still happening to the others and the kids are probably getting to scared to say anything!
i do NOT think your child should have to drop down levels of reading or not brag about it then you are just sending him a message it's a bad thing to be smart!! and IMO thats almost worse! he shouldn't have to hide how clever he is imagine if all the great minds of the world did that!!

seriously i can't believe this happens so young now!! it's so sad! i remember being in school and i don't think it got nasty until at least grade 5!

i don't know what you can tell him to make him feel better or what else you can but complain to the school and let it known you will not tolerate it any longer that your child is smart and shouldn't be punished for it!!!

[smileygirl]

thanks

DH had a big chat with him when he got home and that has helped...

the name of choice is apparently a "book crawler"

so we have turned that into a positive...cause DH is a book crawler...and so am I....and so is aunty mandi and so is his cousin....

so book crawler now means someone who loves books and we are happy and proud.

We have also pointed out that babies crawl when they are learning...and he doesn't crawl anymore...he walks really well....so if they keep going he is going to say

"I'm a book walker actually, cause i am passed crawling"

he is much happier for now...and no school tomorrow so that will give me a chance to discuss further with the head and his teacher. 2 days till school holidays....I am hoping for a better term 2!

[kribby]

That sounds like an excellent way to look at it!! Really nice approch! And good luck getting it sorted!! Xo keep us updated!

[jaq]

We are in a near identical situation, smileygirl. Annika is light years ahead, and last year she started getting sly comments and exclusion by three older girls who resented that she could read better than they did. (Our class is Montessori mixed age, 3yo, 4yo and prep.)

I have had a similar discussion with her, about not teasing children who can't read etc and the fact that people are good and less good at various things, just like they are tall, small etc.

But when every other child gets their readers from section A, and yours has to get hers from a different shelf, it's pretty obvious. When they choose to read a story to a friend, just for the pleasure of sharing it ... its obvious.

I spoke to a psychologist on another issue today, talking about problems with smart kids finding peers, and he told me that it was just something they have to get used to. Many gifted children go through life without ever having a peer, and they learn to adjust to that, he told me.

Doesn't make it easy to watch it happening, though. :hugs: (for you and me both, and an extra one for our bright kids :hugs:)

[missie_mack]

i do NOT think your child should have to drop down levels of reading or not brag about it then you are just sending him a message it's a bad thing to be smart!! and IMO thats almost worse! he shouldn't have to hide how clever he is imagine if all the great minds of the world did that!!


:iagree: teaching children to be ashamed of these things just teaches them to not want to advance and being bright or gifted they know they can drift along without much effort and avoid getting in trouble. I know this because it was what I did at school :o

Teaching our children to be resilient and methods to avoid difficult situations etc is really the best way forward. Keeping on the schools back about preventing the bullying is another. This child doing the bullying obviously needs the extra help :yes: and really whilst in the short term it is called bullying in the longterm it really helps this child to develop as he should and identify areas in which he may need help.

[smileygirl]

thanks for the hug Jaq - it bought a tear to my eye.

I do worry about him never having a peer, he has been be friended by some kids in year 1 and 2 and that has helped a little....he really looks up to them and they have been wonderful for him. They have "house groups" every tuesday and these boys are in his house, they are also among the "smart kids".

kribby and missy mack - i will NOT allow him to be held back....nor deny his talent. He is very empathetic and often gets stuff emotionally above his years. His teacher has been great of making sure he is not drifting...she makes sure he is challenged and that he is having to work as hard as the others.

Seriously, my DH saved the day today. I was so emotional about it and he was nice and calm and turned it around beautifully...he was glowing by the time we put him to bed.

I will not back off the school either, i have a lot of respect for them and know they will take it seriously....i just want my boy to be happy again and be excited about going to school each day like he used to be.

[smileygirl]

Little update...

I got an email back from the Head of Junior school today and I have a meeting with her and DS's teacher tomorrow morning.

She is upset that it is happening, and upset that I am upset lol As DS also did pre prep at the school, I have known Deb for close to 2 years now and consider her a friend....she has been very supportive through my IVF journey and also has taken a special interest in DS.

Now i just have to not cry when i talk about it and all will be well!

[kribby]

Nnaaawwww!!! That makes it hard! At least she doesn't want to shy away from the issue and Her being upset about you being upset is so sweet at least you know you won't be dealing with a mum that couldn't care less! Good to hear there are steps being taken to rectify the issues! I wish you the best of luck luv and hope you DS continues on his path to greatness!