Your child is who's responsibility?

[brogeybear]

For those of you who planned your family and are in a stable relationship, do you see parenting as your responsibility as a FULL TIME roll?

or did you plan for your children to be put in care while you returned to full time work?

Whatever your choice I respect it either way, but I would like some insight. Im sure that there are some of you who planned for their children and planned to return to full time work within the first year...I would like to understand your perspective.

You certainly don't have to justify yourself to anyone. Your life, your family, your choice. But I would like to understand why someone would choose to start a family and only see their children for maybe an hour or two a day and on weekends. It obviously works for some as I know of many who do this, but as it is something I personally cannot comprehend, could you maybe help me understand?

Please don't turn this into another SAHM vs Working Mum debate or I will ask for it to be closed.

[JabberJaw]

Judge Judge :shame: :shame:

Some people have no choice, others choose it. Either way, its in their best intests as well as that of the child, you dont NEED to understand other peoples choices, you need to support them.

[Refresh]

I choose to look after them myself.

[sweetsugardumplin']

My child, my responsibility :yes:

I work part time, and my DD attends child care. DS goes to school.

During school holidays, or when my ch'n are unwell DH or I are lucky enough to be able to take time off

[Sheer Bliss]

My career meant ALOT to me. It was 6years part time at Uni, while I also worked full-time in my traineeship. I liked my job, it was very fullfilling and something that I wanted to continue doing as it was a big part of my life.

I understand that there are some out there that don't understand what it means to NEED to be stimulated on an intellectual level, or that understand how someones career can be so important - but to some it IS. Money was also an issue.

Once I had DD - alot changed, and I didn't want to leave her. BUT until I had her, I didn't understand what having a child would mean to ME, so I went back to work 3days PW - it was the best of both worlds, and I was lucky (well, not lucky - I had worked damn hard to get where I was!) that in 3days I could still earn decent money. No chance of going back work now though, and it suits me well, but I can totally respect those it doesn't suit. :yes:

[kuddles]

I can't turn being a Mummy off. My boy is on my mind all day every day. Everything I do, I do with him in mind.
I have a degree but I will not go back to work until he is in school (unless I have to financially). I see it as a role which I have happily (planned) to take on. I really enjoy being a SAHM. Once I go back to work I am positive that he will still always be on my mind.

Some of my friends don't enjoy it as much as I do and go back to work when their mat leave is up. My best friend told me that she loves being a Mum but she likes being herself more. She thinks that having a job is an important part of who she is. It helps her to be who she is. She believes she is a better mother because of how much time she is away from her child. She suffered PND so I don't know if that is part of it.

I don't think going back to work makes you any less a Mum or a bad Mum just one that needs to work for other reasons whether they be financial, emotional or intellectual.

[Nowhere]

...

[moozle]

Ooohhhh you're on a touchy subject here :laughing:

Personally, I didn't think we'd be able to afford for me to stay home so I planned to go back to work when DS was 6 months old (it wasn't a planned pregnancy TBH). When it got to the 6 month mark, there was no way I could leave him so DF took on extra work and I took on work after hours so that I could stay home with DS. I was one of the 'lucky' ones.. not everyone can do that and some people would LOVE to be at home with their children but just can't afford to do it. Now that DS is a bit older, I have started working 2 part days so I spend the morning with him from 7 - 12 and then I got to work while he sleeps from 12-3 and I'm usually home around 4. I can live with that but even with that, I feel guilty :confused:

[ummmm]

I planned to be a SAHM but didn't quite work out like that. I thought I could of enjoyed staying home but in all honestly, I felt bored and I enjoyed working so I went back to work and DS goes to daycare.

[MunchiesMummy]

Firstly I dont see how you could post a thread lke this and expect people not to get hot under the collar.

We are all mums on here and we do what we feel is right for our families. You, I or ANYONE else has NO idea what goes on in another famly and another house it is not our buisiness to judge.

Bubhub is ment to be a place for suport and to chat with other mums, once again this topic has got into a game of one up everyone trying to out do the other. get over it people you do what is rght for your family bugger what any one else thinks.





To answer your question, i wont justify it with an answer

:iagree: :hugs: Thank you for putting it into better words then i could - this is the 4th thread of this nature today. And they have allllllll gotten nasty - and this one will too.

Mothers one and all are awesome - we come in all different shapes and sizes and opinions and all doing our best for our children should be respected.

[brogeybear]

JabberJaw- as I said, I am not asking for justification, no one needs to justify themselves to me or anyone else.

I do not NEED to understand, but would like to in order to have a broader outlook, if some choose to share their feelings and experiences they are making that choice to help me broaden my understanding.

[brogeybear]

Munchies mum - if this turns nasty I can assure you Ill be requesting it is closed. I started this to get away from the nastiness and to broaden my own understandin for "the other side" (*rolls eyes* at distinction)

[goldencrumble]

We don't have children as of yet but when the time comes I will be taking 12 months maternity leave and returning back to work for financial reasons. We made a decision last year to move to a different (more expensive) area but one I feel my whole family (yes, even the dog!) will be a lot happier in. If we had stayed in our old house financially I would not have needed to return work, but now I do. And I think this is one of the best decisions that DH and I have made as we are both happier and our quality of life is a million times better.

I plan on returning part-time. If my work cannot offer me that (which they don't have to) I will look for another part-time job, ideally 3 days per week.

Of the 3 days per week that I plan on working, the plan is for my mum to have the child one day, MIL to have for one day and Child Care for the other day. Both my mum and MIL have offered this numerous times and we are lucky that we have a lot of family close by who will bend over backwards to help.

As I said this is the plan - things change, I may win Tattslotto tomorrow tonight :D. But this is how I see my life with my child.

[MunchiesMummy]

Munchies mum - if this turns nasty I can assure you Ill be requesting it is closed. I started this to get away from the nastiness and to broaden my own understandin for "the other side" (*rolls eyes* at distinction)

:yelclap:sorry didnt mean it as a go at you just thought oh noooo not another thread gone bad moment hahahaha
:o

[brogeybear]

I know what you mean, I have deleted the other ones from my subscribed posts now, Im over the two sides thing, I mean we are all mothers can't we just stand on common ground for once? LOL

[Nowhere]

JabberJaw and Miki'sMum - as I said, I am not asking for justification, no one needs to justify themselves to me or anyone else.

I do not NEED to understand, but would like to in order to have a broader outlook, if some choose to share their feelings and experiences they are making that choice to help me broaden my understanding.

It is both of you that are making this a negative thread. I asked for it not to turn into a slanging match thanks.


there you go post eddited, I apologies and will trust you opened this thread with only the best intentions.

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

I see children as everyones responsibility.

It takes a village and all that!

[Angelmist♥]

I'll be perfectly honest. I had full intentions of being a full-time SAHM and nearly went insane! I don't mean to offend anyone this is my personal feelings! I needed to do something and no matter how many play dates or trips to the park were enough. I got completely lost in the world of forums lol, as I think that was my only 'outlet'. I'm now studying PT and working PT and love it. I'm busy but happy. In no way does that mean I love my kids any less or spend any less quality time with them. To be perfectly honest, I spend more quality time with them now than I ever did as a SAHM.

Oh and BTW your title may have something to do with people's reactions.....

[brogeybear]

Thanks Miki's Mum....I think we all need to start respecting our role as mothers and support each other, but there cannot be equality without empathy and without understanding you cannot have empathy. *handshake*

[Amara]

I was partnered when I had my son. I was going back to work as we had a mortgage and could not afford to live on my partners wage alone long term. Simple as that.

If I had managed to have kids over a decade earlier I would have been a sahm as I had a husband who made more money than I did. Life does not always go to plan.

[NancyBlackett]

I see children as everyones responsibility.

It takes a village and all that!

:iagree:

[Oblena]

before I answer I would like to know if this question is directed at me or my DH, or both? :D

[mim1]

I find your title question offensive. Although you probably didn't mean that it is and your comment that you can't possibly understand why a mother would return to work before 12 months is also offensive. Seriously, just use your imagination. There's no point in a mother being at home full time if they can no longer afford food or a mortgage payment. Sure, maybe they are in a house that is too expensive and they could move, but moving is extremely stressful and not that simple as they may also then lose all their friends and support network. And in reality many, many women get pregnant without planning it.

For me I returned to work full time when my ds was 1. I planned to work full time for 2 years while my dh worked part time. That way I could finish my training requirements at work. I could do it part time, but it would take even longer. So, working full time means short term pain for long term gain. It means I can have more children quicker and then hopefully not have to work full time again.

But, why do the mothers have to be the ones at home? Why should we be made to feel guilty that we had children and 'passed our responsibility onto someone else?'. Why don't men who return to work 2 days after the birth of a child and work full time forever after that get labelled as being 'irresponsible'?

Sorry. I'm not trying to make this nasty, but it's very frustrating to have to defend myself. I hate working full time and if I had a choice I wouldn't be, but it's highly complex and I (and other working mothers) need to feel like we're not being judged.

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

I find your title question offensive. Although you probably didn't mean that it is and your comment that you can't possibly understand why a mother would return to work before 12 months is also offensive. Seriously, just use your imagination. There's no point in a mother being at home full time if they can no longer afford food or a mortgage payment. Sure, maybe they are in a house that is too expensive and they could move, but moving is extremely stressful and not that simple as they may also then lose all their friends and support network. And in reality many, many women get pregnant without planning it.

For me I returned to work full time when my ds was 1. I planned to work full time for 2 years while my dh worked part time. That way I could finish my training requirements at work. I could do it part time, but it would take even longer. So, working full time means short term pain for long term gain. It means I can have more children quicker and then hopefully not have to work full time again.

But, why do the mothers have to be the ones at home? Why should we be made to feel guilty that we had children and 'passed our responsibility onto someone else?'. Why don't men who return to work 2 days after the birth of a child and work full time forever after that get labelled as being 'irresponsible'?

Sorry. I'm not trying to make this nasty, but it's very frustrating to have to defend myself. I hate working full time and if I had a choice I wouldn't be, but it's highly complex and I (and other working mothers) need to feel like we're not being judged.
I agree with you, it is a very sexist double standard. Men don't get judged in a negative way, the same as women.

[guerin]

I'll be perfectly honest. I had full intentions of being a full-time SAHM and nearly went insane! I don't mean to offend anyone this is my personal feelings! I needed to do something and no matter how many play dates or trips to the park were enough. I got completely lost in the world of forums lol, as I think that was my only 'outlet'. I'm now studying PT and working PT and love it. I'm busy but happy. In no way does that mean I love my kids any less or spend any less quality time with them. To be perfectly honest, I spend more quality time with them now than I ever did as a SAHM.

Oh and BTW your title may have something to do with people's reactions.....


Your the same as me and I actually found by staying home I was becoming crankier and angrier and to be honest although I was with her all day I was ignoring her. It also effected my relationship because of my moods and when I went back to work although I spent less contact time with her the time was happier and because I was happier my relationship was better.

I think mothers just need to be honest. If you have a choice it is no good staying at home because you feel guilty from stupid comments such as why would you have a child if your just going put them into care and nor is it wise to go to work because of stupid comments such as your not contributing towards your finances.

If your not honest with yourself your only going to hurt yourself and your children.

[SimplyMum]

Parents have different values and constraints, and not just financial. Time, intellectual, etc Some parents also want different things for their kids. We don't all value the same things.

[brogeybear]

I find your title question offensive. Although you probably didn't mean that it is and your comment that you can't possibly understand why a mother would return to work before 12 months is also offensive. Seriously, just use your imagination. There's no point in a mother being at home full time if they can no longer afford food or a mortgage payment. Sure, maybe they are in a house that is too expensive and they could move, but moving is extremely stressful and not that simple as they may also then lose all their friends and support network. And in reality many, many women get pregnant without planning it.

For me I returned to work full time when my ds was 1. I planned to work full time for 2 years while my dh worked part time. That way I could finish my training requirements at work. I could do it part time, but it would take even longer. So, working full time means short term pain for long term gain. It means I can have more children quicker and then hopefully not have to work full time again.

But, why do the mothers have to be the ones at home? Why should we be made to feel guilty that we had children and 'passed our responsibility onto someone else?'. Why don't men who return to work 2 days after the birth of a child and work full time forever after that get labelled as being 'irresponsible'?

Sorry. I'm not trying to make this nasty, but it's very frustrating to have to defend myself. I hate working full time and if I had a choice I wouldn't be, but it's highly complex and I (and other working mothers) need to feel like we're not being judged.


Sorry about the offensive title. I did say that its my personal misunderstanding of how people plan to go back to work, the point of this post really, so that those who want to can enlighten me and I can broaden my outlook.

Also I am talking about well thought out family plans only. And frankly I dont care if it is mum or dad staying home (or neither of the above), point in question is to those who PLAN your children and also PLAN to return to work, could you not plan things so working is not a necessity and one of you could be home with the kids or share etc.

As I have seen from some of the posts, clearly some mums feel that they are a more involved parent in the little time they have before/after work then when they were home all the time.

Others do it for financial reasons (not because they can't pay bills, but for future financial gain & stability).

Some do it to pay the bills.

Either way, as someone said, I guess it all depends on your values. Also, to those who feel you need to defend your choice, I wish that weren't the case. You should feel that your choice is respected, just as SAHM should feel that their choice is respected.

Clearly the majority of mothers are doing what they feel is best for their children.

Mods, Im away all day today, so would you mind closing this in case it gets "out of hand" LOL. Thanks

[Deserama]

When my exhusband and I decided to have children, we discussed and agreed that someone was going to be home with them because yes we did see them as our responsibility. That someone was me because I was the one with the boobs, also my job was cr ap anyways...no real loss.

Years later I came to regret my decision because my ex up and left me with 4 small children and no job prospects. I was kicking myself that I hadn't at least been studying and/or working part time on and off to keep my work experience up.

When I met my current husband...I wasn't going to make the same mistake again. I wanted to arm myself for when he renegged on the agreement and left me...just like my ex. I didn't want to be dependent upon a man ever again!!!!

But here I am still dependent, i haven't had a chance to do what I said and even though my relationship is more stable and everything I sometimes feel like that it's only time that will mean my dh may leave me too. I'm a sinic now...I'm well aware that marriages end...

Having said that I still plan on becoming financially independent over the next few years or so.

So yes I fully planned from the get go to be the one to be solely responsible for my children (and still am and I'm grateful for that) and this decision was made with full support from their father. But sometimes things happen which forces you to share the responsibility, in my case, their father let us down...and I was left floundering and not know what to do and how we were going to survive.

So even though I still wish to be solely responsible for my youngest two, I am made to feel very aware that this can blow up in my face and I'd be forced to share the responsibility.

Plans are great when you aren't let down.

[MsMummy]

I think it's a loaded question.

I wonder if any body would ask a father the same question...

[sockstealingpoltergeist]

Agreed. ^^^

[2girls&1angelboy]

I stayed at home when i had DD1 then partner and i decided that i would work and her would stay home with DD2. We have both experienced the roles at a SAHP, he now realises that it is also a lot of work being at home and i have relised how hard it is to work. =)

[MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea]

The title to me seems to imply that if you have your kids in some kind of care outside the home that you are not being responsible for them - however that seems inaccurate to me. I have to work 2 days per week, so my boys (2yrs and 4yrs) go to Family Day Care 2 days a week.

I searched extensively to find a care option and a carer that fit my philosophies in caring for my children and would suit my childrens needs. I pay for them to attend. I pack a nutritious breakfast, lunch and snacks as well as weather appropriate spare clothes. If they are sick DH and I reorganise our work commitments to make sure one of us can care for them. When I pick them up I make sure I find out what they've eaten, how they slept etc. To me this is all still being responsible for them.

In todays society if everyone had to wait until they were in a financial position to have one parent at home full time till all children reach school age many would not be able to have children or would be having them very late in life.

All that said though, 4 1/2 months to go for me and I can go back to being a stay at home mum!!!! For me I prefer being a SAHM, but I will support women in being responsible for their children in the best way they know how.

[CookiesRYum]

we are planning kids and believe they are our responsibility. For us our main priority with be having two stable parents juggling the care and being with our kids 24 7 for the first few years and being their after school always. Given i have boobs i imagine it will be me to begin with but i suspect we may alternate later on in life. Money is important as is intellectual stimulation and contributing to the planet in other ways but parenthood is number one and nothing should come between that. I guess you got to think lateral. For us right now dh is chippy and make best money so he will work outside home but in future his body will age and our property will be more set up to make money so i imagine dh will stay at home later on when kids are at school. I am studying naturopathy so one day that may be our main money but again i could be flexible with my hrs. I am also starting a retail food line for some extra cash and we sell veg at farmers market. Our dream would be to both be home working for ourselves in non traditional flexible work and spending lots of time with our kids. It is possible if you want it bad enough

[tootiredtosleep]

I haven't read all the posts ...

Our kids are our responsibility - and that includes financial for me. I work to help support our family.

[Mummaholic]

Even if mums go to work, they are still responsible for their children. I think what you ask in your question and the title of the thread are very different.

[Oblena]

In reality people return to work because most of us can'r really 'afford' children until we are in our 50s and 60s. It too late biologically then, so we need to balance out the two. Suggesting that it is easy is nonsense.

I returned to work as I earned 3 x more than my husband. It was niave to think that being a SAHM would work for us. We saved for a year before DD's birth so that we could afford the assorted insurances, car regos etc for the 14 months that I took off.

I took that time off to establish a BFing relationship with my daughter. I retruned to work when she was 14 months and continued to BF her until she was three. I worked full time and DH went part time. MIL also stepped in to help. If we didn't have the help DD would have been put in childcare.

Next time ask my DH why he didn't return to work. Implying that the one who works in not responsible for the child in insensitive and insults those who work AND those who stay at home.

Responsibility can be defined in many ways. There is also a school of thought that it is only those who can 'afford' to can actually fulfil their self styled moral judgements. In other words, it is easy to say that things can be lived without, that is until you have to live without something, not because you choose to but because you can't afford to.

It is also easy to look back 20 - 30 years and enquire why it (SAHM) could be done then and not now. There are many socio-economic reasons and changes that explain why not, as wehh as massive changes in social mindset, cultural expectations etc. These social expectations have also driven the 'extinction' of lifestyles, community/ family support etc that assisted SAHMs in the past.

[MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea]

I know you can think laterally and find ways around traditional working - but there are always unexpected circumstances. My DH started a business with the aim of becoming more independent etc and I was able to stay home till DS1 was 3yrs.

HOwever we didnt count on being betrayed by our partner and having to pay a lot of debt he had incurred while still trying to keep the business afloat. My DH has worked his butt off to have our business growing and is constantly looking for new ways to expand to get us back to the position we want to be in. To get us through the hard times, but also emotionally to take some of that stress off my DH's shoulders, I went back to work 2 days a week for what will amount to just over a year.

We managed to survive and keep our house on very little income, we hardly spend money, especially on ourselves, when things around the house have broken we've made do without or DH has repaired them enough to get through. Oh and yes, there would have been one way around me working through this time - DH was ready to take on a second night job, almost begged me to let him do it for us. But what good would it be if our boys never got to see their father and had no relationship with him, and what good if his health deteriorated due to working ridiculous hours?

I don't tell our story to justify me working, but to show that even the best layed plans can go awry. You could even say we are a further extreme on the 'taking full responsibility for our children' in that we plan to homeschool at least for the first few years of schooling. However, if my DH and family circumstance means that I need to take on some work, I will do that, I will do what needs to be done to survive.

[CookiesRYum]

I know you can think laterally and find ways around traditional working - but there are always unexpected circumstances. My DH started a business with the aim of becoming more independent etc and I was able to stay home till DS1 was 3yrs.

HOwever we didnt count on being betrayed by our partner and having to pay a lot of debt he had incurred while still trying to keep the business afloat. My DH has worked his butt off to have our business growing and is constantly looking for new ways to expand to get us back to the position we want to be in. To get us through the hard times, but also emotionally to take some of that stress off my DH's shoulders, I went back to work 2 days a week for what will amount to just over a year.

We managed to survive and keep our house on very little income, we hardly spend money, especially on ourselves, when things around the house have broken we've made do without or DH has repaired them enough to get through. Oh and yes, there would have been one way around me working through this time - DH was ready to take on a second night job, almost begged me to let him do it for us. But what good would it be if our boys never got to see their father and had no relationship with him, and what good if his health deteriorated due to working ridiculous hours?

I don't tell our story to justify me working, but to show that even the best layed plans can go awry. You could even say we are a further extreme on the 'taking full responsibility for our children' in that we plan to homeschool at least for the first few years of schooling. However, if my DH and family circumstance means that I need to take on some work, I will do that, I will do what needs to be done to survive.
i agree with everything you said thinking laterally does not always reap the rewards you want and at times you may need to do traditional work. But i think even seeing the alternative and trying to make it possible is the key One of the most important values i had and want to pass onto my kids is that we are not controlled by money or corporation. We are free to create the life we want and pursue our dreams no matter how unconvential. For me i can't teach that by saying i want to be with you but have to work nine to five every day and put you in childcare. But if i WANTED to work nine to five that would be diffserent and i would do it. I just don't ever want to limit my children by limitin myself..

[mim1]

Also I am talking about well thought out family plans only. And frankly I dont care if it is mum or dad staying home (or neither of the above), point in question is to those who PLAN your children and also PLAN to return to work, could you not plan things so working is not a necessity and one of you could be home with the kids or share etc.


Nice in theory. The reality though is that this could take forever and really does not suit many job types. We had planned to wait til I finished my training completely, but I was going to be 32 or 33 and by the time I was 29 we were really worried we wouldn't be able to get pregnant so we decided to start trying. It was a compromise, but so worth it. If I hadn't done that we may not have had any children and that was definitely not what I wanted.

For professional couples it's not as simple as one of us going part time or taking extended leave of many years. I've been at uni or in full time training for my career since I was 18 (I'm now 33) and I'm still not finished. I also outearn my dh 3 times, so living off his wage indefinitely is not an option and we only managed for me to take 14 months off by aggressive saving before hand. And as my dh has been in his job for over 11 years and he loves it why should he quit so he can stay home?

If I'd been in a job (eg. in a bank) that was stable and I'd been in it for years taking leave isn't a problem. My friend gets 2 years paid (partially I think) maternity leave at her bank. She's just had nearly 4 years off cause she got pregnant & had her 2nd child just before she was due to come back. She's now pregnant with #3 and going back to work for 4 months before taking another 2 years maternity leave. That sounds ideal to me, but it's not the reality of most jobs.

[Benji]

I was a SAHM but a close friend of mine had to return to work when her DD was under a year old.

Her DD is just as loved, bright, attached to her parents, intelligent as my boy who was home with me until 2 years old.

I don't think people need to justify anything to anybody else. Just because my friend had a mortgage that couldn't be paid without her working (not a fancy house, and they don't have other debts - just a normal house in a normal suburb) doesn't mean that she doesn't deserve to have children as much as the rest of us.

I truly believe this world NEEDS different types of mothers. I will never stop believing that the workforce NEEDS women AND MOTHERS. Nothing will ever change my opinion on that.

ETA: she probably didn't "plan" for the huge interest rate rises either ;)

[NonnyMouse]

I had DD in part time care from 4 months of age, and full time care from 9 months, as I had returned to work (although to be honest, I never actually left work, just did monthly trips in with DD and as much as I could from home).

She was my FULL TIME responsibility, however raising children is a job in itself so just like any good manager, I delegated some of the physical part of the role to a care provider in order to help me be the best parent I could be.

If I'd had her 24/7 and not returned to work I would not have coped, our time together would have been more stressed, less interactive (I'm great at craft stuff etc and we had fantatsic weekends and evenings together, but to do this every single day was not within my capabilities and I dare say teh temptation to use the TV for a babysitter would have been very strong), we would have been financially stressed, and I would have been starved for adult conversation and probably quite resentful of that fact.

So while I did choose to use care providers for my child, I most certainly didn't pass on my responsibility as a parent at the same time.

ETA: Second time around I'm a SAHM because DP earns enough to allow me to do this, I'm older and more relaxed in general and my priorities have changed, as has my ability to not stress over a lot of things, plus he works from home so I have him for practical support, as well as adult conversation. This time I have the best of both world in my opinion.

[DailyDiversion]

I agree with some of the others that it's not simply a matter of "planning".

Each family has their own circumstances and most parents do the best they can to juggle work and family depending on those circumstances.

I consider myself fortunate that I could afford to take 12 months off to care for our DD as a baby as I had all of that time at half pay thanks to a combination of mat leave and long service leave.

I am also in the position that I can also dictate what part-time hours I work without jeopardising my career and I can still earn a decent amount of money working only a 5 day fortnight. I don't presume that everyone else is as fortunate.

I was also lucky to have family support which meant that initially when I returned to part-time work either my husband worked from home or my mother cared for DD. Now my DD is older she does attend daycare 2 days a week and she absolutely loves it, it gives her interaction with other children that she doesn't get as an only child.

Although I have been able to adapt my working life, I totally understand the desire to work. For me, not working at all was not option because I do feel like my career is part of my identity, I studied for 6 years to become qualified and I find my work very challenging and rewarding. I don't feel like myself without the intellectual challenge of work and I would have much less to give as a mother if I didn't work at all. I also personally never want to be in the position that I was reliant on somebody else financially supporting me.

On the other hand, I also understand the desire to stay at home to care and nurture young children. I completely accept that as a valuable (yet undervalued) choice that some people have the option of making.

For the moment, we have found a balance that best suits our family but that may change over time and we will continue to adapt as best we can as circumstances change.

Really, that's all any family can do regardless of whether one or both parents work outside the home.

[kar]

I had DD in part time care from 4 months of age, and full time care from 9 months, as I had returned to work (although to be honest, I never actually left work, just did monthly trips in with DD and as much as I could from home).

She was my FULL TIME responsibility, however raising children is a job in itself so just like any good manager, I delegated some of the physical part of the role to a care provider in order to help me be the best parent I could be.

If I'd had her 24/7 and not returned to work I would not have coped, our time together would have been more stressed, less interactive (I'm great at craft stuff etc and we had fantatsic weekends and evenings together, but to do this every single day was not within my capabilities and I dare say teh temptation to use the TV for a babysitter would have been very strong), we would have been financially stressed, and I would have been starved for adult conversation and probably quite resentful of that fact.

So while I did choose to use care providers for my child, I most certainly didn't pass on my responsibility as a parent at the same time.
.


:iagree: Going back to work does not mean passing your full time responsibility as a parent over. It means that for periods you are not providing direct care for your child.

Some people want to work outside the home. Some people plan fantastically for their baby and that includes planning on going back to work. Not all people are suited to staying home 24/7 with a baby. Does that make them lesser parents? No.

[~Candy~]

With mine, we planned our 1st 2 babies and I made it clear that I wanted to be a SAHM for them. Back then dh had a good salary so money wasn't an issue.
Different story now though...we had another 2 unplanned babies, due to an accident he had to give up his well paid job, we ended up seperating and I now happily do casual w/end work while he has the kids.

Each to their own :)

[mum2bubba]

Just because someone chooses to work and chooses to put their child in daycare does not mean they aren't choosing to raise their own child. I feel sorry for working mothers who cop this bull$**** all the time. Apparently they are neglecting their role as a parent because God forbid they choose to go back to work and have someone else look after their kids for a few hours so they can help put food on the table. Or if a sahm chooses to put her kids in daycare for a few hours to get a break then she too isn't raising her kids. We can't bl00dy win.

FFS, why all the judgments lately?

[kribby]

Just because someone chooses to work and chooses to put their child in daycare does not mean they aren't choosing to raise their own child. I feel sorry for working mothers who cop this bull$**** all the time. Apparently they are neglecting their role as a parent because God forbid they choose to go back to work and have someone else look after their kids for a few hours so they can help put food on the table. Or if a sahm chooses to put her kids in daycare for a few hours to get a break then she too isn't raising her kids. We can't bl00dy win.

FFS, why all the judgments lately?

I agree and ask the same question myself...

In my circumstance I did plan my baby so much so that I did ivf! I planned to return to work after one year which I am doing... I have a mortgage, bills etc! I HAVE to return to work in no way does that mean I am a bad mother and in turn if you can afford to stay at home with your kids good on you for doing so but in reality some people just can't afford it and some people can and then some people work hard in their jobs and don't see having a child the be all and end all to their career! All of which I respect!
If I were to be a SAHM I would loose my house of which again my DH and I worked hard for! And just because we couldn't save enough for me to have 5/6yrs off doesn't make us bad people as a matter of fact if we did do that I would be still waiting to have children!!!
Just because you are in a postion where you can stay home doesn't mean everyone else is! And tbh you should already know that and not have to get other views on the matter!
I'm so sick of having other peoples decisions questioned! Just because we want to put our money into a mortgage and not have to rent and have to leave our DD in a carer/family environment to achieve this doesn't mean that we are any less/more of parents than those who choose differently! If people can't understand that then there's something wrong with the world we are living in!

[Mummaholic]

Hmmm I have noticed a 'subtle' inference from many posts lately that seem to be saying (1) SAHMS shouldn't access childcare and (2) anyone that does must have not planned their children correctly. Interesting. Rubbish, but interesting.

[~Bec~]

DS was planned and we knew when we were ttc'ing that we couldn't afford for me to be a sahm for at the very best 12 months. There are a number of reasons and circumstances which lead us to this position, none of which I will go into detail here because if someone judges me negatively then nothing I say will change their mid and I really couldn't give a hoot anyway. So, I went back to work when DS was about 8 months old. (I didn't have a choice to work part time.)

I didn't met DF until I was 33 and we started ttc'ing when I was 35. I would have loved to have had a few more childless years with DF, however, my bio clock was ticking!

[~Bec~]

Thread closed at OP's request. :)