Explaining miscarriage to 8yr old - Advice pls?

[Myztik]

Hi ladies,

I just received a call from my DS1's biodad informing me that he and his new partner have just lost their baby earlier today. They were about 8wks. I feel absolutely terrible for them and hearing the ex in tears on the phone was heartbreaking.

They have already told my DS1 about the baby (last weekend) and I am really unsure how to go about explaining to him what has happened. It is strange though, while walking him to school this morning he made a comment about how some babies die before they come out of the tummy (we were talking about how my baby is getting ready to be born etc) and I have no idea what sparked that line of thought in him iykwim?

Also do you think there is anything I could do with DS1 to help his dad and stepmum feel better? Or would that just be weird especially with me being due any time now? I dont want to make them feel worse :no:

[Bron]

Oh, that's sad Nel.

I think the best thing to do is to explain it to him honestly and simply. Something like "we don't know why it happens, but it happens quite a lot. Your dad is probably feeling very sad right now" and give him a chance to tell you if he feels sad too.

It is awkward with you being due any minute, but honestly, the best thing he can do is just show them that he cares. He's too little to really understand the different ways that people grieve, so he mightn't get that his dad might seem OK when he talks to him, but actually isn't.

I really think honesty and love are the best approaches here.

[Cheekime]

I am very sorry for your ex's loss.

When i lost my bub at 12 weeks i had to tell my DS10 which was very very hard. He is a very sensitive boy.

We didn't put it off, we sat down with him and we told him that at the ultrasound the baby didn't have a heart beat. He was very upset and teary. We then went on to explain how some babies are sick and that the baby inside me was probably sick. We also went over the fact that I am well and that there is no danger to my health. He was pretty sad, had a little cry and then got on with life. Kids are much more resilient than us adults.

I personally think that it would be a very thoughtful gesture if you got something for your ex and his wife - maybe even a card and some flowers and drop them over with a little note that you are both thinking of them. The flowers that i got from people meant allot to me.

just do what feels right to you, you know your son.

xLisa

[Myztik]

Thanks ladies :)

I have to tell him something as they were actually supposed to be coming here to see him this afternoon (ex's mum is over from Vic and leaves tomorrow so had planned a little picnic dinner so they could spend some time together) and he's wondering why they have cancelled. He is a sensitive kid but he is also very level headed so I think he will be ok with it.

Will have a chat with him once he finishes homework.

[SomewhereOverTheRainbow]

Oh that is awful news. :(
DS was 7 when we lost our bub...unfortunately we didn't have to consider how we were going to tell him. He was there in the morph scan when we found out Ethan had died. :no:
One thing that MIL bought for him that I think is beautiful but still makes me cry to this very day is a book called
'We were going to have a Baby, but we had an Angel instead'. (http://www.amazon.com/Were-Gonna-Have-Angel-Instead/dp/0972424113)

There are many other books that are available that are also aimed at this age group.
Big hugs. :hugs:

[Myztik]

Nic that must have been hard :( The book looks lovely though. They have a 3yr old DD, do you think she'd have any idea what's going on?

[Cheekime]

Myz did you tell your son? How did it go?

Lisa

[shell11]

I have tears rolling down my cheeks as I read this as I suffered a MC last year at 10wks. My DD 10yrs and DS 7yrs, were all excited to see their baby sister or brother kicking. I remember my DD saying to her brother, "look here goes the cold jelly on Mummy's tummy". We were all so excited, I then looked at the lady doing the scan, cause she hadn't said anything. I asked if everything was ok, and she said, "Sorry, there is no heartbeat, you have lost your baby". I looked at my 2 children and just started crying. The look on their little faces has been etched in my mind forever and absolutely broke my heart. My DD then had to explain to DS what that meant. I just gave them huge hugs and explained to them that something was wrong with our bub and that it was very sick. We were all very upset, but we were strong and supported each other. Of course DH was very upset, and took over the running of house, while I had to stay in hospital for a D&C. The support of friends and family helped, even tho I didn't answer the phone or talk to anyone for 2 weeks. I didn't think at that early stage it would effect me that much, but it did. Luckily I fell quickly after and am now due June 19th! Maybe this will happen with your ex partner, but if you show your support by a card or flowers, they would def appreciate it and will make you feel better too. I wish you all the best, and remember children are stronger than you think. My children were unbelievable, in their love and support at such a young age.

[Myztik]

:hugs: Shell that must have been so hard for you all.

Cheekime - yes I did tell him last night. I asked him if he remembered what he'd said to me that morning about sometimes babies passing away before they come out of the tummy and he said yes. I said that we think that has happened to S's baby and that S and his dad are very sad atm so wont be coming to see him as planned. He just sort of shrugged and went about what he was doing. I'm not sure if he really took it in properly so will talk to him again this afternoon and let him know it is ok if he feels sad/confused/whatever and that I am here if he wants to talk about it. I think though, because he hasn't been to any scans or anything with them that it wasn't very real for him yet.

His dad seemed extremely greatful when I said that I would talk to DS1 for them and relieved when i said it was fine if they dont take him for the weekend as they need some time to grieve etc. it was really hard hearing him so upset though. I told him that I wish there was something I could say to make them feel better but I know nothing will and he said he appreciates it and knows we are thinking of them etc.