View Full Version : Teenager refuses to move!!!!!!!! HELP!
allanahsmum
16-03-2010, 05:56
If any of you have followed any of my threads, you would know that I was in an extremely dangerous marriage to an abusive angry man and I tried to leave him many many times, then finally I did with the advice I received on here from you all... and support.
I am happy to tell you all that I have now divorced this man, it became final 1 month ago and I have had a full IVO since September 2009 against him...
I have been going through a taumenting time, but have found a friend, a man, a great support and he is the sole carer of his 3 boys since their mother left them 5 years ago, he has not been in a relationship at all until meeting me. We are now happy together, have been seeing each other 6 months, but due to our needs of each others support, and our love for each other, our kids requirements etc it's nearly impossible to finance spending time together him living 145km from me, we only see each other on weekends.
It is making life difficult to be so far away from each other now that i'm sure he is the man for me, and for my children... in our lives, he has a big home, a stable job and is contracted for the following 10 years if he wishes to live and stay at his position as a farm manager in centeral Victoria...
He has asked for us to move in with him and his children... and everyone is backing us up... even his mother! 5 out of the 6 kids are all for it, but my teenage dayghter (just turned 13) is SO against it and I can't budge her!!!??? I don't know how many different ways I can explain this to her, she is so head strong, but is only apparently concerned about changing schools... and wanting to be in the school she's in until she finishes year 10... another 4 years away yet!
Please help??? I have been given a notice to vacate within 2 weeks, due to the financial pressures my ex put on me, he has stalked us and we feel unsafe staying here in this town so close to him... There is NO life for us here!
It's the perfect time for us to take the offer and move away... but how do I get my daughter to come around to the idea?????
:(
I think you should go slower. Do not try to rush her, she has been through a lot herself lately. I think you should go on visits there during school holiday periods and allow her to make some friends in the town and get to know your new man a lot better. Maybe she is afraid of it all happening again?
I would wait until I had won her over.
TripleTime
16-03-2010, 06:44
Being that you have 2 weeks to vacate, I don't think there is any other option but go.
I remember being 13 & it wasn't that long ago. We also moved wen I was 13, didn't want to so mum packed my things for me & we went.
waterlily
16-03-2010, 06:48
Being that you have 2 weeks to vacate, I don't think there is any other option but go.
I remember being 13 & it wasn't that long ago. We also moved wen I was 13, didn't want to so mum packed my things for me & we went.
I agree!! Same thing happened the me and trust me I was so much happier for it. A 13 year old doesn't know what she wants. Your the mother if you say your leaving you go. I think if you are close to your ex you should have packed everything and left last week.
Good luck.
When we last moved our 13 yr old DD didn't want to go either. As she part of the family you move when the family moves that it. No choice was given. Now nearly four years down the track, she very happy, mind you she planning on moving back for uni.
sockstealingpoltergeist
16-03-2010, 07:30
I think you need to try and be respectful of her feelings, however she cannot decide the fate of the whole family.
Tell her to list her concerns and you will find ways to overcome them together, don't dismiss her as obviously she is feeling a lack of control.
Let her choose certain things to allow her some control over other things.
Make sure your new partner is very mindful of her feelings and does not step on her toes.
Rampant Madness
16-03-2010, 07:35
I think you need to try and be respectful of her feelings, however she cannot decide the fate of the whole family.
Tell her to list her concerns and you will find ways to overcome them together, don't dismiss her as obviously she is feeling a lack of control.
Let her choose certain things to allow her some control over other things.
Make sure your new partner is very mindful of her feelings and does not step on her toes.
I love this post, it's exactly what I would have said, albeit better LOL
I too was moved from city to bush as a 12 going on 13 yr old, and I didn't want to move. But I was the teen, not the mother. I didn't get the final say.
Work on things together in a way that will help her as mentioned above and all the best. She may be mad now, but she wont be forever. Teens barely see past next week
I think you need to try and be respectful of her feelings, however she cannot decide the fate of the whole family.
Tell her to list her concerns and you will find ways to overcome them together, don't dismiss her as obviously she is feeling a lack of control.
Let her choose certain things to allow her some control over other things.
Make sure your new partner is very mindful of her feelings .
:iagree:
brogeybear
16-03-2010, 07:50
Oh 13...how I remember it! LOL
Being a teenager is really hard but as PPs have said, a 13 year old doesn't get to choose for the entire family, and it also sounds like she is not in the safest position being still so close to your ex.
Listen to her, reassure her, tell her you know how hard it will be for her, be prepared for her to "hate" you, scream at you and never want to talk to you again...she will.
To her it is the end of the world, in reality it may just be the beginning. You are the mother, the parent and while you may not always "know best", it is your responsibility to try to know, to try to make the best choice, not hers.
Im sure she will end up being very happy, as i hope you will be too. I am so glad that you are no longer with that abusive man!
Deserama
16-03-2010, 08:03
I think you need to try and be respectful of her feelings, however she cannot decide the fate of the whole family.
Tell her to list her concerns and you will find ways to overcome them together, don't dismiss her as obviously she is feeling a lack of control.
Let her choose certain things to allow her some control over other things.
Make sure your new partner is very mindful of her feelings and does not step on her toes.
Yes yes yes!!! this is very good advice. I have a 13 year old too and I find that negotiating really works for her.
Just let her know that this move is going to happen but there may be some changes within the houshold that she can have a say in.
The thing that I've found with my daughter is the control thing...what SSP said. Unfortunatly they can't control everything in their lives but they can control SOME things, so negotiate things that they can control.
BTW my dh and I had a long distance relationship to start with...and no it's not easy...but it was exciting though ;)
So glad you got away from that moron.
BabelFish
16-03-2010, 08:44
What SSP said.
Your DD needs to feel heard and validated, but you are the mother so what you say, goes.
Good lck and well done for leaving your awful husband.
mum2bubba
16-03-2010, 09:21
When you move make sure she still has contact with her friends from her old school and from the area on a regular basis. Even go back there when you can so she can catch up with friends. I hated that my dad and step mother constantly moved us from school to school and we never got to keep in contact with any of our friends. (Not saying you will constantly move though)
I'm going to agree with the advice you've received. Your daughter needs to have her concerns heard and validated, but in the long run, she doesn't make the decisions for the family.
I think you should go slower. Do not try to rush her, she has been through a lot herself lately. I think you should go on visits there during school holiday periods and allow her to make some friends in the town and get to know your new man a lot better. Maybe she is afraid of it all happening again?
I would wait until I had won her over.
I agree you seem to be rushing a bit. Take things slow. Sure move out of the town for safety but just be a family without another man so that you can all settle after what sounds like was a traumatic time for you and your children.
I agree with PP - just wanted to add that it might help if you have some things in place to settle her in - joining up to a sports team/youth group/whatever 13yos like doing :laughing: so she can start a new network.
She's a 13 yo girl. I'd be more worried if she was happy with the situation!
kobi'smama
17-03-2010, 11:16
When we were kids I went to 8 different schools because of my dads work, i never wanted to move in any of the 8 moves but as a kid i had no choice.
It sucks for a while but she will get over it, it has definetely helped make me into the person I am today. You get great experiences meeting new people and if she has some solid friends at her old school they will stay friends no matter where she lives.
She will forgive you, especially once she see's how happy you are with your new man.
Good luck :)
I think you have 2 choices.. is there anyone she can stay with closer to her school that you trust just until you settle in your new place, or just make her go grab her by the hand and tell her that you are sorry for uplifting her from her friends/school but you all need to go NOW:yes:, she will forgive you eventually, my dd is 19 and I moved her from her friends when she was 14 and she hated me for ages but she got over it:yes:
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