new here and worried

[mummy2JDZ]

hi I am a mum who has had 3 wonderful children.
My first son passed away a few years ago but I still include him.
I have an enquire regarding step parenting.

My separated husband is now engaged with his new partner. We separated in mid last year. All the years we where together he never took interest in the child until he started seeing this person. He now has at the moment f/night care of the second child. (3rd child is still newborn who he wants to take out of the house for visitation while breastfeed).
I am happy for my 2nd child seeing his father taking him out and about (which he NEVER cared about doing while living here) is that I can see that the gf is trying to take over being the parent and treating/buying the 2nd child with everything and anything.
They are trying to have a child themselves and I know they have issues fall pg. She desperately wants children and I have a big fear she is trying to take over my role.
My 2nd child is 5 and I know loves me but my concern is that the gf is getting to close. I have been told on a site she has place pictures of my 2nd child up and written *my little mans first day of school* (its not her little man) which may to some people sound innocent but I know this person has been known to be violent and aggressive in her past and will stop at nothing to get what SHE wants.
I am very scared it will be at the expense of my children been manipulated by them both. My ex is a huge liar with everything and anything no matter how little or big it is.
I know as soon as we get divorced they will be married. My concern is that what rights does SHE have in the care of my 2nd and 3rd children? I prefer the father to be the one who’s ALWAYS in the care of the children and not have her take over playing mummy if hes working or away etc.
I don’t mean to offend anyone by any means but I know there is a lot of really caring people out there who are the step parent but this person I can not trust.
I just don’t know what I can do.
Sorry about my post being long and drawn out but I just don’t know what I can do to protect my children.
Thank you

[spoon]

I can understand that you would be dealing with some difficult emotions here, it all seems so fresh still. It sounds like you have unresolved issues with your ex. As far as step parents are concerned though, it is far better to have a woman who cares about your child, than someone who can not stand them. You are the mother, there is no replacing you:hugs:

[V8 Crewy]

Please dont take my post as a attack or taking sides but from a differant perpective.

The emomotional feellings you have against your ex's partner you are going to have to deal with. If they get married and end up having a baby then she will always be a step mother and there new child with always be a Brother/sister your children.

If you try and break any special bonding between your children and your ex and his parner then you'll become worst person in the world. But in saying that, you will always be your childrens mother and they will never ever be able to change that fact but that is something you are going to have to learn to adjust to but also rember, you not alone. This is the case with alot of familes around the world.

This is also a 2 way street and 1 day you will also meet someone that you will want to spend the rest of your life with then your ex is going to have to deal with that fact regardless if he likes your new partner of not.

So at end of the day, you will also be there mother and your children will never forget that.

[robsgirl]

Hi there,

I definitely know how you feel, i went through this last year with ex, he didn't really want anymore custody of dd1 until his now wife moved to australia. I wasn't even given the curteousy of even knowing that there was someone else until he introduced her to me as his wife and i was like oh **** dd1 has a step mother. I actually found out that step mother was reason why he left the marriage and cheated on me, so i was pretty angry with him and her.

I have come to terms with it, and i know that and am glad that dd1 has a good relationship with her step mother. I know that when she goes to her dads place that she is well looked after when ex has to go to work.

What i am focussing on now is having an even better relationship with dd1, we go do fun things and this year im home more cause i have just had another baby and our relationship is great.

Any issues i have had with step mother i bring up with ex recently i found out that s/m smokes as dd1 came home saying that its ok for girls to smoke and i was like no its not.

Ex and i had mediation through relationships australia and they helped alot with things and helped with a parenting plan maybe this is something you can do.

big :hugs:

[HowCrazyCool]

Hey,
First off, have some hugs.:hugs::hugs:These are your little babies and you are just being a concerned parent. And that is the right thing to be.

I am a step-parent. I am looking after DSD right now actually.

I know that i have absolutely positively improved Dp's relationship with DSD a 100%

DSD is fed dressed and trying to make a cubby out of some big boxes. Dp left for work at about 6:45.

Last night when the ex dropped her off to me at 5 cause Dp's wasn't going to be home from work yet she asked if dsd could sleep the night as she had to stay late at yoga. I said yes, I am happy to have her. Even when she has wrecked a 1000 piece puzzle i have been doing for weeks. :rolleyes:

If it is possible maybe spend some more time with her. Sort of get to know her. Maybe she really does care for your children?

.

[liesel]

First of all :hugs:

I'm sorry that its not a comfy spot. not that breakups and new relationships are.

I'm a step mum and I'm trying to look at both sides so please don't think I'm bagging you. I'm just a massive thinker :yes: and should have been a judge coz I try and see all sides. :)

Some Questions I have running round my head (no obligation to answer)

-How long has ex and GF been together?
Are your sources that say she is violent truly 100% accurate?
-Are your views still somewhat skewed because of the hurt your ex caused?

Some questions to ask yourself.

- Am I 100% sure that my source that GF is violent/aggressive is accurate?
- Could the new GF be buying treats for the kids because she truly cares about your ex and wants to fit in?


I must admit I call my step kids "My tribe or My clan" because there are three and they are a tribe when I have them in toe. I would think it a little odd to call any on them my little man or my little princess unless that took on a me'ism and that would only be making a joke to their dad.

What I can kind of get from your post and the limited knowledge I have is perhaps GF so desperately wants a baby but is having trouble that she is currently redirecting her love to your little groova, because she has nowhere to put it.

You can see this two ways
Yes as a Mum I am sure this would put me out somewhat to. Someone stepping on my turf and taking my place.

or you can look at it in a positive way at least she isn't Cinderellas step mum and treating your son like a stave or a pest.

The only thing I can suggest to make you feel better at this stage is perhaps try and see the positive, that your sons Dad is in his life and interested. Maybe this is because of his new girl (Probably) but it is a good thing that your son is seeing his Dad.

Perhaps continue to observe whats going on and write down the things that upset you. In a month write a letter to Ex & GF and explain your feelings calmly and kindly. state that you appreciate her involvement with your family and are glad that she is interested in his welfare but that you feel a little put out by comments such as "My little man" Perhaps she is just unaware of what her actions suggest to you.

An old saying I live by

"You get more bees with sugar than Vinegar"

I can speak from experience.

a huge number relatives warned me about bio mum, even people from her side of the family(the ones who should hate me). I was told that bio mum was vicious and not to cross her and she was stubborn as a mule, which she is. But I persevered and put up with last minute changes, daycare people hating me because bio mum told them horrible things I had done to the kids which weren't true, etc. I was allways nice an polite to her. It took until she had another baby and was struggling but her and I now generally get along. she still has her stab in the back moments but the fact that I care for the kids and she understands that and we can talk actually makes them happier...

Also should say that though my DP had 50/50 custody when I met him he soooooo wasn't dad, he was very very lost and very very hurt and saw his kids as her and kind of resented them and avoided being home when they were there. He and I have worked together to improve that

Boy I can talk... Hope that helps

[mummy2JDZ]

Hi I appreciate you all making comments and taking the time to reply to my post.

I hope i didnt give off the wrong impression at all. I do appreciate that my son is seeing his father that is all I had wanted in the first place for him to do was to spend time with him. (while being here he would do in 5-10 minute) spurts with him.

I am not affected by my ex being with this other person that isnt my concern that is his business and what he does dosent concern me in that part. We had a lot of problem etc while together and a lot of sad things eg loosing our first child.

I am also happy that my ex new fiancé is nice most of the time with my son. Because my son is still young he does tell the true when he has been frightened or worried. I also have been told a few things by independ people that I do trust as well.

I think the problem I was/is having is that even though she is new onto the scene I didnt want them to just go off and make plans etc for or about my son without my knowlege or at times consent. I inform his father of anything I am doing for him. If im taking him a distance away or medical situation. etc. No matter how many times I ask for the same in return they both do not comply. I found things out after the fact.
I don’t have my nose out of joint at all just would like some input into things at times they are doing with him. As it does affect what I do with my son as well.
For eg Swimming lesion that WAS to be discussed between my sons father and myself. But they took it upon themselves to set up and organise at a distance i can not get to by transport as I am not allowed to drive. They did it in a way to be sneaky about it. I was more than happy for him to go swimming I just would have like imput about it and as it impacted on my weekends with my son as well to suit what I had planed. This topic is very close to me as I lost my first son from drowning. Im into working together for what’s best and right for my son. J

Again I do appreciate the good things I jsut don’t want to feel after all these years of his father not caring to participate one bit in the children’s live to now step in and run it with his fiancé. I would like just a bit of communication.

I too have situations as some of you have mentioned where at a drop of a hat his father wants to pick him up without notice and or bring him home without notice. Which I am all fine to. Just wish they didn’t play their way and not be equal for the sake of the children.

again I do appreicate you posting and I hope I dont come across as the MEAN mum. I just want to do whats right for my kids. :)

Mummy2jdz