Help! What do I say to my friend?

[Gabi]

Here's what happened:

We were visiting at home on the weekend and went to church on Sunday night, an old friend of mine was there with her family and they sat near us for the service. Outside, after the service, their almost 4yo came over to us. The dad and their 7yo were at the loos well out of sight of the front of the church (where we were), and we think the mum was putting the baby in the car across a busy-ish road. Basically, the 4yo was unattended, and we needed to leave. So my mother said to the 4yo 'we'll take you over to mum' and the 4yo said no, she would go on her own and made to leave. My mother caught hold of her arm and the 4yo then started yelling. My mother let go of the 4yo arm with the 4yo howling, but no longer trying to run off. The 4yo then calmed down, until her mum eventually arrived ;). At which point we left (we had to pack up the kids and drive home 1.5hrs, so we were in a hurry).

Now I just feel stuck. Because I don't think my mother should have held the 4yo's arm or tried to take her to her mother (perhaps she had been told to wait for her mum there). BUT it's not like the 4yo didn't know us (we see them regularly, in fact I am the 4yo's godmother). Plus my mother says she only caught hold of her to stop her from trying to cross the road on her own.

I wish my mother had handled the situation differently. I think we need to appologise and explain to the family, because as far as they know my mother grabbed their child for no reason. Not cool.:no: My mum said she'll leave it to me, thanks mum.:rolleyes: If you were the parent, what would you need to hear from us?

[Twins Kelly]

I would just say, 'not sure if you realised, but the other night outside the church your 4 yr old wanted to go over to the car with you and started to walk off by herself so mum grabbed her on the arm so she wouldn't run off on the road. She didn't like mum holding her back and made a big fuss. Mum's really sorry she upset her, but did it without even thinking when she thought she was about to run across the road by herself. I hope 4 yr old is ok, and thought you should know, esp. that she was willing to cross the road without an adult.'
I personally, having worked with kids, have prob had to grab many a child on the arm to stop them from doing something where they may get hurt or do something stupid! It's usually an instant reaction without even thinking. I'm sure your mum didn't squeeze her arm or deliberatley try to upset her.
Hope it works out for you!

[TickTock]

Hmmm, what do I think they need to hear?

I know that holding onto someone else's child isn't a great idea, but I think if the alternative is to leave a child to run across a busy road, I think your Mum chose the better of the two options. :yes:

I would doubt that they'd have a problem with your Mum's actions. If I were them, I would be feeling sick that I'd left my child unattended and grateful that someone else looked out for her. If anyone was acting irresponsibly here, I think it was the girls parents, not your Mum... although I imagine it was accidental that she was left alone.

JMHO

ETA: Oops, realised I didn't actually answer the question! I think what Twins Kelly has suggested is spot on.

[LilMissnBoo]

TBH, I would've done the same as your mum, or I would've just waited for one of the parents to come back before I would've left. The child should never have been left unattended in the first place.

Can you imagine what would've happened if the child did try and cross the road, and got hit by a car?

Kids that age don't have any road sense at all.

[Lastcenturymum]

I think your mum did the right thing. How can that be wrong :confused: She tried to stop a 4 year old running across the road to her mother? How would she have felt if she'd let her go and she got hit by a car? (worst case senario) Most independent 4 year olds don't like being told what they can't do and don't realize the risks.

But how was it handled at the time? What did your Mum say to the other Mum? Was the other one upset? Depending on what was said at the time I don't think you need to explain and justify it now - unless you are feeling bad about it as you have reflected on it.

It's easy for mix ups to happen with parents - heck we had a miscommunication once and left our daughter at church - we both thought the other was taking her and got a phonecall from the property guy telling us she was still there (I worked at the church, so we were well known!)

[SimplyMum]

I don't think it was wise on the parents part but sometimes we don't make the wisest of decision esp when they were dealing with 3+ kids (I assume). I would casually say 'Hey, how is 4yo- I think my Mum may have scared her a little- she gets so worried about little kids and cars and busy roads'.

[Gabi]

Ooh! Awesome ideas.

I think we should have just waited with the 4yo.

This family's parenting style is pretty different to ours, and I've been roused on before so I feel a bit worried about what to say.

[Gabi]

But how was it handled at the time? What did your Mum say to the other Mum? Was the other one upset? Depending on what was said at the time I don't think you need to explain and justify it now - unless you are feeling bad about it as you have reflected on it.


I think my mum just said hello and left. Which is why I think we need to offer some kind of explanation...

[RoarsomeMum]

If My 4yo was on the opposite side of the Road to me and was about to walk across herself I would be nothing but GRATEFUL for some-one to grab her arm and stop her..

You say they "know you" and that you are in fact the god mum.. would they SERIOUSLY think your mother grabbed their child "for no reason?"

If I was the parent All I would need from you is what I got. Protection for my child. anything else I had problems with I would approach you about myself..

If you apologised for the behaviour (the arm grabbing) I'd feel nothing but forced to apologise to your Mother.. for not watching my child adequately so that your mother HAD to intervene.

[Lastcenturymum]

I think my mum just said hello and left. Which is why I think we need to offer some kind of explanation...

fair enough Gabi. Wasn't sure if there was some discussion. I see your concern. It's hard when there are different parenting styles too. :)

[Gabi]

Once the 4yo made for the road, I agree that my mum did the right thing. I just think we could have waited with the child rather than try to take the child to the mother.

[Gabi]

If you apologised for the behaviour (the arm grabbing) I'd feel nothing but forced to apologise to your Mother.. for not watching my child adequately so that your mother HAD to intervene.

That's an important consideration too. Thank you!

[sandy cheeks]

If it was my four year old that I had left unattended and it was near a busy road I would have been grateful someone grabbed them and didn't let them go alone.
I dont think your mum did anything wrong they shouldn't have left their child unattended.

[Hooves]

I am just going to say it, I know some may be offended.

I have serious :footinmouth:

I would have done the same as your mother, Only when the other parent arrived I would have made a serious point of what happened and why.

I know some people are weird about parenting.

And because we are all so conscious of upsetting other parents, we tend to sometimes let our fear of what the other parent is going to say, get in the way of our better judgement.


BUT it is never OK, to let a child be put in danger.

Your mum did the right thing.

She should be Thanked.


It doesn't matter what circumstances led to the 4 year old, being alone, and on the wrong side of the road. Even if she was waiting for her Mum, or Dad to come back for her.

The minute she decided she was going to cross the road, an Adult needed to Step in.

AND your mum did that. :yelclap:


Even if the parents take it badly, they need to be told what happened and why.


IF they take it badly, You need to step up, and tell them, "Sorry, but your 4 year old, needed to NOT be left alone. Be greatful, my Mother was there, and something bad didn't happen."

[Boobycino]

I would have probably done the same as your mother. I've overstepped maybe a couple of times with other peoples children, and been a bit embarressed afterwards, but so far I've never upset anyone.

I've never grabbed another child, but I've shouted at a toddler/preschooler who was walking towards the road. I gave the poor tot a fright, but his mum looked up with a start and rushed over, told him off and smiled and nodded (which I assumed was a slightly embarressed 'thank you')

People grab Jasper before when I've lost track of him a couple of times. Actually, one time he was running full pelt through the shops while i was chasing him and shouting for him to stop, was supprised actually nobody did grab him, or block his path.

Myself, I care more about the safety of children and toddlers than offending people... or being upset that someone touched my son.

If I saw a friend, or a friends mother, grasping jasper's arm, even if he was screaming, I'd assume they were doing it for a good reason.

but explain anyway, if it makes you feel better about the situation.

[Nozzy]

Your mum did the right thing, no doubt about that. She was the adult and acted as such.