"I pay for everything anyway"

[mum2bubba]

Do your husbands/partners say this to you because you're a sahm and don't have a job outside the house?

This is what mine said to me before. He has said it other times too. It really gets to me. We have a joint account so everything is payed equally but we both get payed on different weeks (we each get payed fortnightly, I get $530 a f/n from Centrelink and he gets $1600 a f/n from work) when my pay goes through we do grocery shopping and it'd still be the same way even if we had separate accounts. Mortgage and bills are payed when needed (mortgage is every week) and I pay for Skye's and Nathan's occasional care (I save for it out of my money, same as Hayley's speech patholgist every f/n when my payment goes in). I thought the whole idea of a joint account so it's OUR money.

[bada]

No, it's our money.

[Myztik]

He's thrown it at me in an argument once or twice and then apologised later.. Our money all goes into a joint account and everything gets paid once both lots of pay have goes in (we get paid fortnightly and our pays go in within a day or each other).

I dont understand it when couples have his and her money :confused:

[*babygirl*]

Our money covers different things... DP and I both pay for our own cars unless Im struggling then he will pay (without making me feel guilty of course!!) he buys his 'pleasures' and I buy my own luxuries... I buy food and clothes and things we need as well as presents... DP is responsible for our savings and once money goes into that account it does NOT come out until we are buying what we wanted it for... Our next purchase will be a house :)

it works for us and we'd never use money against each other.

[angelkisses]

all our money is our money too, although DH hates banks and refuses to have a bank account so it all goes into mine, he has tried the whole I earn it thing before so I went back to work full time and he soon changed his mind, though I do have to admit I spend money easily but am a lot better now I have found things to do with friends ect that don't cost a lot.

[mum2bubba]

I am going to close my half of the account and open a separate one just for me. He can do what he wants with his own money and I will do what I want with mine. It will be a struggle for me as I only get $530 a f/n and $250 of that goes to groceries, $65 for Hayley's speech pathologist. Then we'd still have to split the kinder fees each term.

If we were going to stay together then I'd suggest maybe still having a joint savings account and each putting a bit of money in there when we get payed.

[Myztik]

Cassie does the $250 include groceries for him? If you are going to separate money entirely I wouldn't be buying food for him.

[Hooves]

ok, here is my take on this.

And I apologise now, if This is long. I have a tendency for LONG posts.

AND I apologise if this comes off too strongly. But it is something close to my heart.

MEN who feel insecure do this. Men who feel the need to remind their significant other, that they could not DO without them, do this.

AND I think it is disgraceful.

Either he is happy, to support you and his child, (although I notice centrelink at least give you money too, thank GOODNESS), or he isn't!

I can not stand this attitude in couples. My BIL has been doing this to my sis, and I want to thump him!

Ask him, how much your cleaning house, and looking after your child, and paying your bills, or taking care of things IS really worth. You know, laundry, meal prepartation. Etc.

PUT a price on your services and SEE, how he feels then. Seriously some of these MEN need to pull their heads out of them back sides, and Realise, THAT it is not tit for tat.

BUT the cost of raising a family, and having a happy life.

AND OP if you are seriously going to think about separating your finances, then make sure you include a FEE, for him, to pay, you to do any of the things you do for him.

He may just learn to appreciate you more.



In my own situation, I feel like I do not contribute enough to our life. AND it is my hubby, who firmly tells me how it is. HE is the one who points out all the stuff I do, that HE could never pay me enough to do. He is the one, who tells me, how much he appreciates what I do at home, and with the children.

And he is more then happy to give me what ever he can to make that job a bit easier for me.

I have never been told that HE pays for it all. HE has never undervalued me like that.

And I am sorry your partner has been doing this. Maybe he needs That pointed out to him, how it makes you feel when he does this. IT isn't fair, and he should NOT be making you feel this way.:(


:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Benji]

Ask him if he'd prefer for you to go back to work and pay for a full-time nanny or full-time child care for the two little ones. He'd quickly realise you HAVE a job and you being at home saves you both a hell of a lot of money!

Money isn't everything. Your job is far more vital than a few measley dollars. Don't let him bring you down :hugs:

[missie_mack]

I am going to close my half of the account and open a separate one just for me. He can do what he wants with his own money and I will do what I want with mine. It will be a struggle for me as I only get $530 a f/n and $250 of that goes to groceries, $65 for Hayley's speech pathologist. Then we'd still have to split the kinder fees each term.

If we were going to stay together then I'd suggest maybe still having a joint savings account and each putting a bit of money in there when we get payed.

Just pay your money into a new account and leave your name on the joint account. It may be a benefit if you don't stay together and are asked by real estates for account statements ;)

[CocktailBubba]

ok, here is my take on this.

And I apologise now, if This is long. I have a tendency for LONG posts.

AND I apologise if this comes off too strongly. But it is something close to my heart.

MEN who feel insecure do this. Men who feel the need to remind their significant other, that they could not DO without them, do this.

AND I think it is disgraceful.

Either he is happy, to support you and his child, (although I notice centrelink at least give you money too, thank GOODNESS), or he isn't!

I can not stand this attitude in couples. My BIL has been doing this to my sis, and I want to thump him!

Ask him, how much your cleaning house, and looking after your child, and paying your bills, or taking care of things IS really worth. You know, laundry, meal prepartation. Etc.

PUT a price on your services and SEE, how he feels then. Seriously some of these MEN need to pull their heads out of them back sides, and Realise, THAT it is not tit for tat.

BUT the cost of raising a family, and having a happy life.

AND OP if you are seriously going to think about separating your finances, then make sure you include a FEE, for him, to pay, you to do any of the things you do for him.

He may just learn to appreciate you more.



In my own situation, I feel like I do not contribute enough to our life. AND it is my hubby, who firmly tells me how it is. HE is the one who points out all the stuff I do, that HE could never pay me enough to do. He is the one, who tells me, how much he appreciates what I do at home, and with the children.

And he is more then happy to give me what ever he can to make that job a bit easier for me.

I have never been told that HE pays for it all. HE has never undervalued me like that.

And I am sorry your partner has been doing this. Maybe he needs That pointed out to him, how it makes you feel when he does this. IT isn't fair, and he should NOT be making you feel this way.:(


:hugs::hugs::hugs:

Very well said :yelclap:

[mum2bubba]

Cassie does the $250 include groceries for him? If you are going to separate money entirely I wouldn't be buying food for him.

Yeah it is for him too.

I said to him "ok fine, if you think you pay for everything I will take my $530 a f/n and use that on whatever I want. YOU can pay all the bills, mortgage, kinder fees, daycare, speech patholgist etc and on top of that you can pay child support too. How 'bout that?

He just looked at me like this :confused:

[mum2bubba]

Ask him if he'd prefer for you to go back to work and pay for a full-time nanny or full-time child care for the two little ones. He'd quickly realise you HAVE a job and you being at home saves you both a hell of a lot of money!

Money isn't everything. Your job is far more vital than a few measley dollars. Don't let him bring you down :hugs:

I have told him "ok I'll go back to work and you can pay for three kids in daycare and then see what happens" he shuts up then.

He has also said if it weren't for him or weren't for me meeting him/being with him I wouldn't have anything and if we break up I wouldn't have anything, I just laugh.

[RmumR]

DP and i work out our money on percentages.
Worked out on an average week what we both earn, out of that whole amount we worked out what my percentage was and its about 30% so then for our expenses - rent, bills etc i pay 30% and he pays 70%.
XH pays DD's childcare fees as child support so that doesn't come into it.


In your situation if you are wanting to keep things separate perhaps the same would work for you. Though grant has to realise any expenses involving the kids like hayleys speech therapy are a joint expense not something you should have to save up for.

[CJJHRA]

DF's money from working, basically goes on all bills, loans, repairs...

the amount I get from centrelink covers all our food and fuel for my car, and any savings (which isnt much mind you)

we dont have a joint account, but I look after everything mostly anyway.

if df wants something, he always asks me for money (from his own account too) if he had control over it, he would just waste it away, and before you know it there would be nothing in there when the money comes out.

I feel a little mean, giving him an allowance out of his own money, but hes just got no idea of how much things really are, or when payments come out for this and that.

hes the type to say, oh theres $500 in my account, lets go spend it... and not think about the $400 payment coming out in two days time, and it was pay day yesterday.

Soon though, DF's pay will have to cover half the food too, cause his pay is going up, therefore mine down, therefore he wants me to get a job :eek:

[earthfairy]

No, it's actually the opposite in our house.

Im the one who always says "but its your money"
Im the one who feels "guilty" if you will, about not bringing financial help to the table.

He gets annoyed with me when i say it. I just cant help it. Even though we have been together 9 years, and had joint finances since about 6mths after getting together, i just cant shake that feeling.

I get $125 a f/n from centrelink which i put straight into our house deposit account. I at least feel i am contributing in some way. But $125 isnt much compared to his wage & how hard he works.

:(

[Bunnyhugs]

Tell him to grow the hell up Cassie. You do an amazing job with those kids and he needs to pull his head out of his rectum and start acting like the man you THOUGHT you married.

:hugs: you're a very stong woman to put up with him.

[mum2bubba]

I just got off the phone to him and he says we need to go shopping tomorrow which is true. I don't particularly want to go first thing as I am going out tonight and would like to sleep in (he says we'll go 9am or whatever) I said "why don't I just go on my own during the day, that way we don't have to drag the kids out and have them whinging and all that" (and I can maybe sleep a bit longer or at least rest. I'd still have to get up to the baby anyway no doubt) he said "you wouldn't know what to get" wtf? He thinks I'd start buying all the expensive stuff or something. I have never done a huge grocery shop on my own but I am not completely hopeless. He's also said that about me going back to work. The other day we had a little argument and I asked if he would consdier being a sahd and me go back to work full time. His response was "you wouldn't last more than 2 weeks in a job" hmmmm, ok then. Riiiiight.

[mum2bubba]

And because he doesn't have his license we all have to pile into the car (as I cannot leave the kids at home by themselves) and go shopping. It is quite frustrating. I asked him just now if he trusts me to go grocery shopping on my own and he said no. I asked why and he said "because you would just end up buying sh!t we don't need" does he think I'm complately hopeless or is it a control thing or what?

[mumma2ajem]

there is no way my dp would consider saying that to me we get jack all from centrelink and what i do get he always says to me go and buy something for yourself wiht that ( even though it wouldn even buy a pair of pants a fortnight :rolleyes:) he always says that he loves the fact that i stay home and look after dd and his happy to work 5 sometimes 6 days a week to ensure she has all the attention she needs like WTF does ur dp think u doa ll day nothing you have 3 kids that there is 3 fulltime jobs so you are working buy raising your and HIS kids so if his going to get narky id start charging him for you to look after his kids and to clean the house etc but ay thats just me im a bit of a bi%^h with things like that cause i cant stand when ppl say oh she stays at home all day cause she has a baby blah blah blah sitting on her a$$ total load of crap

[mum2bubba]

Yeah we'll he told me the other week "you wanted 3 kids, you wanted to stay home so it's your job to clean"

[Violetta]

And because he doesn't have his license we all have to pile into the car (as I cannot leave the kids at home by themselves) and go shopping. It is quite frustrating. I asked him just now if he trusts me to go grocery shopping on my own and he said no. I asked why and he said "because you would just end up buying sh!t we don't need" does he think I'm complately hopeless or is it a control thing or what?

You are right, he's stopping you from grocery shopping on your own because once you have proven to yourself that you can manage it just fine you will be more likely to want to be independent in other things too. You are an adult and perfectly capable of choosing what food to buy for your family :yes:. Enjoy a child free shop.

Normally my partner and I shop together because it means we can spend more time together as we like each other a lot. Also he pushes the trolley and carries things for me just for the simple reason that it makes me happy and to him making me happy is a great reason to do something. We are both quite capable of solo shopping too, it's just not as fun.

[mum2bubba]

Yeah I don't mind that we shop together, it's about the only family time we spend together anyway. But when he tells me I am not capable or whatever of shopping on my own it makes me think he doesn't trust me or has control issues. I mean, ffs I am not an id!ot. I do know what food to buy and what we need and all that. I would like to go grocery shopping on my own also cos it will get me some time for myself and I can take as much time as I want and maybe get a magazine and go to the new cafe near the supermarket and grab a hot chocolate or something.

[Natasha'smum]

We dont have a joint back account and never have so dh money is his money and well i dont have any income since I resigned from my job (for him:no:) unless I get the odd doula job....but in saying all that dh does pay me a weekly allowance and I have since negotiated a pay rise since I do all the work aound the house on top of raising our kids.....usually i do all the shopping and pay for the kids activities and that leaves me with nothing in my bank acct at the end of the week I could always ask my dh for moeny and he would give it over but after i give him an itemised account of what i spent all they money on.....i miss making all my own money:rolleyes:

[c2p08]

DP and i have our money going into seperate account, but we pay all the bills together and have access to each others accounts(usually he has my bank card and i have his lol).

[kar]

I find this whole set up of my money, your money, percentages, getting paid an allowance etc difficult to comprehend. Did you make a decision together to have children? If so, surely it was clear that one of you would probably be the primary carer and one the primary income earner. This is a fair(ish) division of labour and the division of income should be equally fair. I fully support each person having their own money as spending money but shouldn't all family stuff, which after all is most stuff, just get paid for without the your money/my money stuff?
So OP, no my dh would never say such a thing to me. And I think men who do are controlling and insecure as PP said.

[kar]

Natashasmum, that really sounds like economic abuse to me :(

[mum2bubba]

I agree with Kar. Natashasmum, sounds like your partner has control issues. Sorry to say. And what do you mean he pays you an allowance and you negotiated a pay rise? He isn't your boss. He's your husband. That's abuse!

[Natasha'smum]

I agree with Kar. Natashasmum, sounds like your partner has control issues. Sorry to say. And what do you mean he pays you an allowance and you negotiated a pay rise? He isn't your boss. He's your husband. That's abuse!

lol actually he is my boss..(should have explained myself better but was typing while watching tv which clearly is not a good idea)...I left my part time job so I could help my dh with his company so he is my boss which is why he pays me a salary and I negotiated a pay rise because i think i deserve more for the whole 2 hours of work i do for him a week so instead of $380 a week I will as of next week get $450 a week for 2 hours work..so yes he is my husband and my boss:yes:


Natashasmum, that really sounds like economic abuse to me :(

I think I am abusing him financially read above...;)

[Nowhere]

He used to go on about how i dont earn anythng, Then I explained to him how much it would cost him to have a nuse look after Miki 24 hours a day and he seen realised that he is ALOT better off with me looking after her lol

[mum2bubba]

Ok, well I am sorry I said that. It's just some husbands actually do control their wives with money and won't let them have anything and have to work by doing chores like a little kid. I used to 'work' for my dad about 12 years ago babysitting my sisters. They were in primary school at the time (I was about 19/20) and I had to be home when they got home from school and make sure they did their homework and all that (the rest of the day was mine to do what I wanted, as long as I was home at 3:30pm until either my dad or my other sister got home) he payed me $100 a week. I couldn't get any money from Centerlink, no Newstart allowance or anything cos my dad earns alot of money. Anyway, I did that for just over a year and one time my dad and I had an argument. I told him I didn't need to be looking after his kids (though I was greatful I was getting easy money) and he said "I am your boss, you will do what I want" or something very close to that (I remember the 'I am your boss' part very well) I said to him. "No, you are my father" and we just kept arguing about it all.

Anyway, I just think while I was 'working' for him he is still my father first and your husband is your husband first. I hope that makes sense.

[Pina Colada]

Ok. Wow.

I know different set ups work for different families, but I am honestly shocked at some of the posts here :o :( Allowances, itemised accounts, percentages, not allowed to grocery shop by yourself..... I can't imagine living like that, as a fellow SAHM I am really appalled at the attitudes and behaviours of some of your partners. I can only imagine what their opinion of your worth and contribution to your family is. Seriously, shocked.

We aren't eligible for any FTB or anything, and I don't work, so every cent that comes into our family is from DH employment.

We have a joint account that his wages are paid into. We both have credit cards and we put everything on them, and pay the balance of monthly from our account, and also the mortgages. I set up and manage our budget, and payment of all bills etc. I can't even remember the last time DH looked at our bank statements.

[Natasha'smum]

Ok, well I am sorry I said that. It's just some husbands actually do control their wives with money and won't let them have anything and have to work by doing chores like a little kid. I used to 'work' for my dad about 12 years ago babysitting my sisters. They were in primary school at the time (I was about 19/20) and I had to be home when they got home from school and make sure they did their homework and all that (the rest of the day was mine to do what I wanted, as long as I was home at 3:30pm until either my dad or my other sister got home) he payed me $100 a week. I couldn't get any money from Centerlink, no Newstart allowance or anything cos my dad earns alot of money. Anyway, I did that for just over a year and one time my dad and I had an argument. I told him I didn't need to be looking after his kids (though I was greatful I was getting easy money) and he said "I am your boss, you will do what I want" or something very close to that (I remember the 'I am your boss' part very well) I said to him. "No, you are my father" and we just kept arguing about it all.

Anyway, I just think while I was 'working' for him he is still my father first and your husband is your husband first. I hope that makes sense.

No need to be sorry:)....and yes what you said makes absolute sense to me...

[delirium]

DH has said in a few fights about 'his money', I laugh and say well if that's the case I'm paying for the roof over your head with my CL so you must be a kept man :devil6: He hasn't said it since.

It's not his money, it's our money, just like my CL is our money just not mine.

As for not letting you shop alone :rolleyes: don't let him infantilise you. I put my foot down with DH coming shopping with me years ago, I found he was bumping my bill up about 30%. So one day I just that's it, you're not coming with me again and that was that.

[kuddles]

Nope. He would never say that to me.
He prides himself in doing the best he can for us financially. We have separate bank accounts but I have a card to his bank account.
We get $170/f FTB from centrelink and that goes into my account. I use that to pay for my car loan $130/mth and mobile bill $45/mth. I also use it to buy food. DP pays for everything else. He is always telling me to buy myself something nice but I don't. I have a lot of guilt over him working his butt off to provide for us.

[mum2bubba]

DH has said in a few fights about 'his money', I laugh and say well if that's the case I'm paying for the roof over your head with my CL so you must be a kept man :devil6: He hasn't said it since.

It's not his money, it's our money, just like my CL is our money just not mine.

As for not letting you shop alone :rolleyes: don't let him infantilise you. I put my foot down with DH coming shopping with me years ago, I found he was bumping my bill up about 30%. So one day I just that's it, you're not coming with me again and that was that.

Truthfully, he IS better at grocery shopping than I am, but as I said in a p.p I am not completely hopeless. I have never grocery shopped on my own because before I met Grant I was living with my dad and he did the shopping and then when I moved in with Grant it was something we always did together which didn't bother me, but now he is saying he doesn't trust me and all that it sort of makes me feel as though he has the upper hand and I am a dumbar$se and have no clue what to do which is bull$hit. I'd like to prove to him that I can do this but if I did I know he'd get annoyed. I just feel as though he has the upper hand in things in this relationship. It sh!ts me because I left my dad's place cos I was sick of being told what to do at age 21.

[delirium]

Truthfully, he IS better at grocery shopping than I am, but as I said in a p.p I am not completely hopeless. I have never grocery shopped on my own because before I met Grant I was living with my dad and he did the shopping and then when I moved in with Grant it was something we always did together which didn't bother me, but now he is saying he doesn't trust me and all that it sort of makes me feel as though he has the upper hand and I am a dumbar$se and have no clue what to do which is bull$hit. I'd like to prove to him that I can do this but if I did I know he'd get annoyed. I just feel as though he has the upper hand in things in this relationship. It sh!ts me because I left my dad's place cos I was sick of being told what to do at age 21.

Cassie, honey, he's using this to control you and treat you like a child. You are a grown woman who has raised 3 beautiful kids, I think given the opportunity and practice, you could do a shop on your own just fine ;)

If you are going to stay, even for the short term, start demanding to be treated an equal. Then at least if the relationship fails you can have the emotional strength to go on without him.

If your DD was where you are now, what would you say to her??

[mum2bubba]

Of course I'd be telling her to leave and telling her she's an id!ot if she didn't or if she didn't at least demand some respect.

And yes you're right. I do feel like a child at times, like when we do grocery shopping and I put something in the trolley (something we don't really need like chocolate or donutes or whatever) he gives me a disaproving look or he'll say 'we don't NEED that' what am I meant to say to him? "Sorry sir/dad, I will obey you from now on" I know maybe he's right, maybe we don't need certain things but it's not as though he hasn't gone and bought stuff I don't agree on (like video games which cost alot more than a damn block of chocolate) our bills are always payed on time, same with the mortgage we aren't poor, we have a roof over our heads, food, clothes etc etc so what is his problem? When I go to the shops to get bread and milk for example I might get myself something like a Big M or chocolate which costs a few dollars and he'll give me a lecture. Not all the time though cos alot of the time I eat it/drink it on the way home. He doesn't actually yell at me or raise his voice but he jokes about it. Like he'll say "what flavour milk did you get THIS time?" or "yeah, that'd be right, you got chocolate again"

[mumma2ajem]

Ok. Wow.

I know different set ups work for different families, but I am honestly shocked at some of the posts here :o :( Allowances, itemised accounts, percentages, not allowed to grocery shop by yourself..... I can't imagine living like that, as a fellow SAHM I am really appalled at the attitudes and behaviours of some of your partners. I can only imagine what their opinion of your worth and contribution to your family is. Seriously, shocked.

We aren't eligible for any FTB or anything, and I don't work, so every cent that comes into our family is from DH employment.

We have a joint account that his wages are paid into. We both have credit cards and we put everything on them, and pay the balance of monthly from our account, and also the mortgages. I set up and manage our budget, and payment of all bills etc. I can't even remember the last time DH looked at our bank statements.


:iagree:^^^^^


i started a thread in general section not long along about the yours,mine and our money thing i never got it either i get jack all from c/l but like others have said my dp doesn care about that as he is damn proud to be going to work and providing for his family and for me to be a sahm he would not have it any other way

and if dp was to give me an "allowance " cause i did not work well i would tell him where to stick it as i am not a child and we created this child together by choice we bought a house together by choice we have bills together by choice and we both decided that id be a sahm i know its each to there own but i could not live like tht having to justify what i want money for and get pocket money :no:

[Violetta]

and if dp was to give me an "allowance " cause i did not work well i would tell him where to stick it as i am not a child and we created this child together by choice we bought a house together by choice we have bills together by choice and we both decided that id be a sahm i know its each to there own but i could not live like tht having to justify what i want money for and get pocket money :no:

At different times when we've wanted tight control over our budget pocket money has been one of the items that's been in the written budget. Whatever amount we choose as 'spare' that budget cycle gets divided between us equally it doesn't matter who earnt it. Pocket money is just fun money, not a way to belittle the lower income earner.
A long time ago we earnt exactly the same wage and now he earns 100% of our household income. At no stage have I ever been made to feel that it's his money. Because it's not. We each make different contributions to our family so that together we can have a better life than we would apart.

[mum2bubba]

I know what you're saying Violetta when you say pocket money is just fun money. I reckon it's a good idea to have equal ammounts of pocket money to spend each on whatever you want after bills, rent/mortgage, food etc are payed for. But when I hear peoples's husbands (or wives) basically treating their other halves like children and having to ask for money, not allowing them to buy things for themselves, having to justify what they are gonna by or why they want money (even if it's just a small amount) it doesn't sit right with me.

[mumma2ajem]

I know what you're saying Violetta when you say pocket money is just fun money. I reckon it's a good idea to have equal ammounts of pocket money to spend each on whatever you want after bills, rent/mortgage, food etc are payed for. But when I hear peoples's husbands (or wives) basically treating their other halves like children and having to ask for money, not allowing them to buy things for themselves, having to justify what they are gonna by or why they want money (even if it's just a small amount) it doesn't sit right with me.


yes when i say pocket money i mean as in a partner saying right here is your allowance dont come back for me and its a piddly amount that is financial abuse

[~Candy~]

In certain cases such as rocky and ruling relationships, I really think seperate bank accounts are the way to go. If she isn't getting any centrelink payments, then he should make sure he give her her own money. I always get my centrelink payments put into MY account.

[mum2bubba]

Yeah I get Centerlink payments. They go into our joint account and then we spend around $250 of that on groceries (we only shop every fornight when my pay goes in, the majority of Grant's pay goes to the mortgage) and the rest I use some of it for speech and occasional care, the rest goes in my separate account and depening on finances I put some into the kid's account though I usually only do this monthly.

[~Candy~]

When we lived together, my c/link payments paid for shopping, the kids stuff (school, clothes etc) & my personal expences and he paid for everything else.

[our3boys]

we have one business account where all the farm money goes then i have a bank account where i take a wage out of the business account to cover all our home bills and food and everything along with centrelinks money, then dh has a bank account where he draws a 200 a week wage mainly for fuel to and from the farm and just so he can have a little spending money. just remember behind every good man is an even better women we are at home looking after there children cleaning there house in my case doing the farm book work and having dinner cook for him when he gets home clean clothes to put on when he wakes up we deserve to have equal share in any sort of money they make.

[waterlily]

God I wouldn't be with my DF if he had that aditude! I work and contribute just as much if not more to this family, money isn't everything!!

[BabelFish]

Wow Cassie - more things about Grant that make me mad! :)

About half our income is from DP's work, about half from Centrelink.

I do all the budgeting, I pay all the bills. I give DP and myself an allowance each fortnight.

Now, this allowance has to be budgeted because we don't have any spare money. It has been worked out on what we have left over after every single bill has been paid.

Under bills we have:

Rent
Food
Insurance
Utilities
Mobile phones
Internet and home phone
Dog food
Petrol

Under Miscellaneous we have
Anything on layby for the kids / house
Unexpected expenses (I allocate $50 a fortnight and if it isn't spent it is saved)
Allowance.

Our `allowance' is for JUST US. To spend on whatever we want for ourselves. It's our play money. It's really not much, about $150 a fortnight (I get less because I stay at home. DP doesn't think it's fair that I get less but I am not going out of the house working etc). But we can spend it on whatever we like. Movie tickets (haha - if we ever go), clothing, chocolate, books - whatever. It's not much so if we want something more we have to save.

Again, this is because our whole income is so low, we need to make sure all the bills and food are paid for first.

But we both work hard and we both deserve stuff for ourselves. If we have allocated allowances we know what we've got, we know it's our own money for our own things, and there are no fights.

We literally never fight about money, ever. I control it all, DP is happy with things that way because it's just and fair and equal, and there is never, ever an issue.

It's a really good way to do things.

[Raising Leprechauns]

Bah - my DH has that attitude and I work! He thinks cause he earns more that it is all his.

Naturally, when he has a "my money" rant - I go shopping. :D

[mum2bubba]

Yeah I don't know what his problem is sometimes, all our bills etc are always payed on time, same with mortgage. I am good at budgetting. I've had jobs in the passed and have always put money aside each pay day and I do the same with my Centrelink payments (though not as much as when I was working, cos when I had a job I was still living with my dad, not paying anything apart from maybe $50 a week for board/food and I had no kids). He thinks it's silly that I have to open a separate account to save money, he recksons I should just be able to not spend, but alot of people open separate savings accounts don't they? I can understand some days when money is more tighter cos all the bills come in at once (like this week) but I just get annoyed when he treats me like a 7-year-old and not a 27-year-old. I guess there are worse situations where the spouse doesn't let his/her other half have any money at all. That's not with Grant. He's never told me I can't have money. I have access to the joint account, it's just if I sometimes by something for myself or by something we don't need even if it's a small amount he gets p!ssed off. Last year I put two Xmas laybys on at two different places. All up $200. I was paying about $10 to $20 a week or fortnight for both of them and he says I should have told him first. But I thought it was fine because it was Xmas stuff for the kids and it wasn't as though I took a huge chunk of money out. He bouught $600 worth of golf stuff though out of the baby bonus (he said because I got a car which we need btw for all of us) yet he got them in December and hasn't used them yet. Maybe I should sell them.

[BabelFish]

Cassie - you are only 27??? Oh my goodness! There is soooo much better out there for you! Get out there! Enjoy it! Man I thought you were a lot older from the way you talk about your life (sorry). You shouldn't have to live like this. Grant is aging you before your time.

[mum2bubba]

How old did you think I was? Hope not too old lol.

And yes I agree he is aging me.

[BabelFish]

How old did you think I was? Hope not too old lol.

And yes I agree he is aging me.
At least my age, maybe a bit older. Again ... sorry! Partly that is because you have three kids though.

[mum2bubba]

Ok. I look even younger than 27.

[BabelFish]

So do I actually. When I tell people I have two children and am 35 they always look at me like I'm lying.

:rolleyes:

[honeydew]

I'm another one who can't understand a couple who have 'his' and 'mine' money :no: Especially if they have children together.

DH & I have been together for 8 or 9 years (can't remember exactly :o) and ever since we moved in together we have always shared money. We opened a joint bank account and all our money has always gone into that account.

We get no centrelink money atm, and I am no longer working so technically all our money is actually DH's but neither of us think of it as his :no: He recently received a large redundancy payout from his previous employer but even then it was 'what will WE do with this money', he's never talked about it as if it were his to do what he wanted with.

I couldn't stand having to pay for my own things out of my own money (well, in my case I'd have nothing as I get nothing :laughing:) and would hate to have to ask my husband for money for something. It doesn't sit right with me :no:

[Lemmings]

This all hits home to me because I spent 7 year being controlled with money. With my ex we had 'his' money 'my' money and At the time I didnt think it was all that bad, it was only towards the end and Now I thought omg how did I put up with that.

Now I am with my new partner it is taking a lot of re learning that it's not a normal situation and that everything should be our not mine and yours. It's still hard for me at times to understand that everything is together and not separate.

All I can say to you is demand some respect because he's giving you everything but respect by controlling you with money

[mum2bubba]

Thanks.

We do have a joint account which we both have access to at any time. It's not as though he takes my atm card or tells me I can't have money. I don't have to ask for any (I get money from C'link) BUT when he says he pays for everything because he is the one that works I feel worthless, like I'm just a sahm ya know? He has told me he doesn't trust me to go grocery shopping on my own cos he reckons I'd buy all junk and expensive stuff but that is far from true. I often feel guilty if I spend even just a small amount of money (like buying a Big M or something) I do understand that making small purchases over time can add up but surely he shouldn't be saying those things.

Anyway, I have my own account and am putting a bit of money in there each pay day.

[Mrs P]

If dh ever said anything like that about money to me he woud be in big trouble.

All our accounts are joint. I can't remember when we had his/her money, a long while before we got married. Hubby earns a lot more than I do but its all our money. We have friends who paid halves on groceries, mortgage everything right up until they got married and probably still do who knows.

Any money that comes in is our money its never mine or his

[Boobycino]

I've always considered FTB MY money. YES I use it to buy OUR groceries, but its MY money.

If DP ever got snooty about paying rent and bills (which he hasn't so far) I can easily say, "well, I buy all the groceries and everything for Jasper and the family" - as his pay covers rent, bills and the evil credit card payments.

I find then as I do work, money I earn is our money, but I have control over it.

[Bo0tifuL]

ok, here is my take on this.

And I apologise now, if This is long. I have a tendency for LONG posts.

AND I apologise if this comes off too strongly. But it is something close to my heart.

MEN who feel insecure do this. Men who feel the need to remind their significant other, that they could not DO without them, do this.

AND I think it is disgraceful.

Either he is happy, to support you and his child, (although I notice centrelink at least give you money too, thank GOODNESS), or he isn't!

I can not stand this attitude in couples. My BIL has been doing this to my sis, and I want to thump him!

Ask him, how much your cleaning house, and looking after your child, and paying your bills, or taking care of things IS really worth. You know, laundry, meal prepartation. Etc.

PUT a price on your services and SEE, how he feels then. Seriously some of these MEN need to pull their heads out of them back sides, and Realise, THAT it is not tit for tat.

BUT the cost of raising a family, and having a happy life.

AND OP if you are seriously going to think about separating your finances, then make sure you include a FEE, for him, to pay, you to do any of the things you do for him.

He may just learn to appreciate you more.



In my own situation, I feel like I do not contribute enough to our life. AND it is my hubby, who firmly tells me how it is. HE is the one who points out all the stuff I do, that HE could never pay me enough to do. He is the one, who tells me, how much he appreciates what I do at home, and with the children.

And he is more then happy to give me what ever he can to make that job a bit easier for me.

I have never been told that HE pays for it all. HE has never undervalued me like that.

And I am sorry your partner has been doing this. Maybe he needs That pointed out to him, how it makes you feel when he does this. IT isn't fair, and he should NOT be making you feel this way.:(


:hugs::hugs::hugs:

BEST reply ive heard in a while!:yelclap:

[blackdog]

I have been married 11 years. When I was a SAHM, if my husband made a comment about how his friends could spend more money on themselves (or something similar) I would go to the Centrelink website and work out how much child support he would be required to pay if we split up :p He would have much less money to spend on himself then!

They are his kids, too...he can't change his mind.

Get quotes for how much a full time Nanny and housekeeper would cost...that is how much money you are SAVING...If you are like me, your earning capacity is probably less than what it would cost for a Nanny and Housekeeper, so you are contributing more than you would be if you had a job! :D

[korfire]

He's thrown it at me in an argument once or twice and then apologised later.. Our money all goes into a joint account and everything gets paid once both lots of pay have goes in (we get paid fortnightly and our pays go in within a day or each other).

I dont understand it when couples have his and her money :confused:

Sometimes it's necessary when the other has sacrificed many years of hard work while the other refused to further their skills and enjoyed more of a social life.

I am referring to my own parents. My mothers income is more than twice of my fathers because she worked her *** off. They had the same opportunities to climb higher, Dad made his choices.

Dad is now requesting an allowance from Mum. I think it's quite funny.

[mum2bubba]

I've always considered FTB MY money. YES I use it to buy OUR groceries, but its MY money.


I consider my ftb to be mine as well even though it goes into the joint account. I'm the one that stays home with the kids and cleans the house. I get $530 a fortnight. $250-$300 a f/n goes on groceries for everyone, $65 a f/n goes on Hayley's speech pathology, $17 for Nathan and Skye's occasional care and the rest if there are bills due we pay half, I try and put a little bit away each pay day.

[MissSteph]

Cassie, I could've written your original post plus more!

DF and I have seperate accounts. I've spoken to him about joint accounts many times before but he doesn't even want a joint account when we are married! I asked about opening an account to put our DD's money into but he said NO JOINT ACCOUNTS what so ever. He is ALWAYS thinking about "what happens IF we were to split up" which is actually quite depressing considering we are meant to be getting married, he shouldn't be thinking about what happens if we split up!!!

DF constantly whinges about me not working or bringing financial support to the table. Does he not realise I am 35 weeks pregnant, looking after a very very active almost 18 month old whilst always worrying if the house is clean enough for him or if dinner is good enough etc. He never appreciates anything, never willingly tells me dinner was good.. Instead he whinges if I don't pull a cabinet away from the wall and vaccuum behind it. He always finds tiny things that ""need" to be done (like dusting the toilet roll holder) but doesn't notice when I wash his clothes, iron his clothes, cook his dinner, clean our house etc. By the way we are renting a house which I used to pay half rent for when I was working but since I stopped working he calls it HIS house because I don't pay rent. I have paid MY bills even when I stopped working (through my savings account) but he still acts like he pays for it because I don't work and FTB "isn't a pay" so he says as he is the only one with an income he "pays my bills". The only time he has paid any bill of mine is for the past 5 months and will be for another month (until I get a "raise" on FTB) and that's for my car loan WHICH WE RECENTLY PURCHASED TOGETHER because he drives my car (new car that we traded my old car for because of his job - my car was too girly for him to use for work). I drive his car as it is more expensive on fuel and I do less driving. So now that we got "MY" car TOGETHER, even though I PAY THE LOAN, he still says it's his car because I don't have a job.

It's actually getting very annoying because I constantly feel like I have to prove my right to be a SAHM and raise our children. I'm always reminding him how much it costs to put 2 kids in daycare which would technically be my pay if I worked full time. He realises it but very soon after falls back into the whole "I work and you don't".

So rest assured you are not the only one Cassie! :rolleyes:

[mum2bubba]

Your situations sounds alot worse. I am sorry your husband is that way. :hugs:

I hate how (some) men think it's all their money/things because they work, do they not understand that we stay home and cook and clean and take care of kids all day and night and alot of us have to get up a few times in the night? I mean I COULD go back to work during the day but it'd mean we'd have to pay for three kids to go into daycare so I'd be working for nothing.

During arguments Grant has come up with the whole "everything in this house is mine because I work" and "if you left you wouldn't have anything" speech. I just laugh.

[Shh]

Wow. I'm really sorry your partner speaks to you that way. That's horrible and I hope your kids don't grow up to think the same as their father.

My husband has always earned more than me, although we both had very good incomes. He used to earn a little under double what I did, but then I got sick and couldn't work anymore. I now have a business which earns half of what I earned before.

Even when I earned nothing (waiting for income protection insurance) it was all our money. We don't make big spending decisions without each other but it goes both ways. If he wants to buy something out of the ordinary we'll discuss it first.

I'm pregnant and have icky m/s and I'm working even less than before. We still have a cleaner. It is still our money. I don't need to be earning dollars to contribute to our marriage and our household. My priority right now is to nurture our unborn baby.

I can only assume it is an insecurity thing with your partner. I don't know how you put up with it :(

[Shanaynay]

Miss Steph - you're going to marry that guy?!?!?! :(

[Jender]

Miss Steph - you're going to marry that guy?!?!?! :(

:iagree::iagree: with bells on

[MissSteph]

We were meant to be getting married Jan 2011 but we have put that off now. He wants to get married Sep 2011 and I don't want a date but he's still telling everyone it's Sep 2011 :laughing:

I really could write a novel on what he's like, but in saying that he really isn't all bad (or I wouldn't be with him) but there are some things he really needs to work on and I have made that very clear to him, especially the way he is towards me. He is not an affectionate person AT ALL and I mean not at all!! While I can appreciate he isn't affectionate I still expect to feel loved and wanted in the form of affection. We had a rather large arguement on friday night about it and he has gotten slightly better... very very slightly!

I do know it is an insecurity thing. In his past relationship she earned more than he did and once they split she took absolutely everything. He then needed to get a fairly hefty personal loan to get back on track. They had a joint account where they both put money into for savings in order to buy a house. Just before she left they had enough for a decent deposit and took the money with her. She didn't give him a single cent! I told him even though this happened to him he shouldn't be making it an excuse to not start a life with someone and to take it seriously. I wouldn't of moved an hour or so from my family and my home to start a life with him and have 2 children.

I also think because of that relationship he turned out to be very controlling and manipulative. His family are always nagging him to change his ways aswell, especially his mum. But I think he gets the sh*ts because I won't be controlled and won't "do as he says" so being controlling really isn't getting him anywhere what so ever :yes:

I have managed to get him to feed the dogs every night LOL. So I guess that's 1 step closer :p

[HELPihavea2yrold!]

When my DS was first born, I was receiving $520 f/t including baby bonus. DS father is on about $70000 a year. I was paying min $300 food, buying all of bubs stuff, petrol for his car, Foxtel and if there was $10 left, he would ask for it. Meanwhile he was paying $250 a week rent and that was his only bill. We discussed about when I would go back to work after DS was born and it was agreed that I would take at least a year off. But after DS was born, I was told that if I didnt have a job by the time baby bonus payments ran out, both me and DS could starve, hence why that man is now my EX! :-D Two months later, I have good savings and stockpile of bubs stuff (before I could only buy week by week).

[mum2bubba]

Good grief, Mum2lilPrince. Thank God he's your ex. What a controlling pr!ck. :shame:

[One of THOSE mums!]

i started typing a response after reading everyones posts. buti had to delete it all. there arent words to describe how disgusted i felt when i read some of them. the way some men have treated you is attrocious.

being sahm is a job. not a 9 to 5 job. a 24/7 job. it is emotional, intellectual and physical. and it is always changing. i doesnt pay in dollars. dollars couldnt buy what we do.

i love my partner so much for being so supportive. not contributing to the finances made me feel like a burden for a short while. so he gave me control of all our money, and now i feel like i still have some control. i control every cent. it may sound horrible but i allocate money to him every fortnight, but he loves coming to me at the end of that period with a huge bunch of flowers because he had some cash left over and thought i would appreciate them more than hewould appreciate his car mag. which i buy for him the next day when i do the grocery shopping!

any guy that doesnt value your contributions is a jerk. fix him now cos it will onyl get worse. those have left men for being like that will confirm.

i am not a house wife. i am a home maker. it takes a village to raise a child and most of us do it alone.

you cant put a dollar value on what we do... mothers are priceless.