You as MIL

[MumOfTwoBoys]

We talk so much here about the terrible inLaws (and rightly so for 99% of cases) so I couldn't help but wondered:
1. Is there anyone one out there who actually has a good MIL or even an incredible situation where MIL is better/closer that your own mother
2. Those people with sons, like me, what kind of MILs you think you are going to be or want to be?

I just think what am I going to do if I become a MIL? Yes, sure, do not be intrusive. It will be up to DIL how she raises her children. I am desperatly trying to register my own feelings now so that I know what my DIL will feel later. What to do if I see my grandchild with a runny nose and blue feet - tell DIL to put the socks on him/her and become an intrusive MIL with outdated advice or shut up and watch my grandchild becoming ill. What to do if I am glad to babysit the kids or invite my son's whole family over but I will really appreciate some help with cleaning up afterwards because I am not as young and full of energy as I used to be and have a number of health conditions.

In short, what is it to be a good MIL? Any ideas?

[*~alegna~*]

What a thought hey..to have a wonderful MIL.

My MIL is not Bad, she has just had her own issues & as a result has become self focused. Which is a shame because she misses out on so much with our new son.

What would i be like as a MIL...Well I think concern can sometimes be mistaken for interfernence. I guess we just have to understand that there will be a generation difference & our DD or DS partners will have maybe more dynamic, modern veiws than us... (the oldies), & to respect their views & right to decide on how to lead their lives & raise their children....or not.

Easier said than down hah...we'll see!...My Son is only 8weeks old so unless he is an ealry bloomer, that is soo far away... Thank goodness!:laughing: .

Hats off to MIL's, they do cop it a bit:hugs: .

Cheers

x Angela

[EskimoMumma]

If anything I will try and mould myself as my mother (minus the needing of affection, personal issues dating way back and never shown/given/recieved affection from my own mother in 11 years and her suddenly wanting it is scary) and she will make jokes to my DP. But she knows how to stay out of my way and knows that if i want advice. I will ask.

If only MY MIL can do that :laughing: . She is fine too but like peanutsmum has her own issues and because of all the family history that went down with DP and that she feeels "guilty" and tries to make up for it by always wanting the grandkids. Its nice but..im the mum not her and even though shes raised 5 kids..shes not always right :o

All i can say is i hope to be a wonderful MIL and really, its not my concern as a grandmother if my granddaughter has a runny nose. I will be the grandmother that spoils the kiddies, watches them during the day and 3 times a year overnight and be happy to hand them back ;)

[MumOfTwoBoys]

I will be the grandmother that spoils the kiddies...

Yeh, right! :laughing: And at that point your DIL will be furious that you spoil her kids to death and after being with you the kids are not manageable. And it will be suddenly YOUR fault. :rolleyes:

" its not my concern as a grandmother if my granddaughter has a runny nose"

This also can be turned against you. DIL will then complain to here friends that you just don't have a clue, so ignorant blah-blah, and the child is obviously sick and you don't care... And you in turn will say "not my problem, it's YOUR child and I've done my bit with mine"... and so it goes.

So, you see my point? Whatever good intentions you might have it all can become a ground for a conflict. The more I think of it the scarier it gets.:eek:

[EskimoMumma]

No it wont be my fault. She should have the brains to limit the use with the toys she brings out for the kids to play with. and as for treast, im sure kids know how to keep a secret if bragged the right away :laughing: Of course if she told me to stop, i would. But still slip some things on the side ;)

[MumOfTwoBoys]

I just hope hope you get a DIL as easy going and with a good SOH as you have. :smiliedance:

[EskimoMumma]

:laughing: I hope so too! She will have to be a good girl to keep my DS on his toes :rolleyes:

[nemosmum]

I love this thread LOL

My MIL passed away about 8mths after i met dh so I didnt get to know her very well BUT lucky for me she liked me and told dh "shes a keeper" lol gotta love her for that:hugs:

However now i have a SMIL and even though we hardly see her (as dh has issues with the whole thing) she is still annoying as hell and tries to interfere when we do see her.

The biggest thing is her demanding that our ds call her "nana" which didnt sit well with dh:no:

So what about me, what kind of MIL will i be?????

Hmmm im of the general idea that if you raise your children well (doing your best) then they should make the choices that are right for them, this includes choosing a mate!

So I think i will be friendly, caring but defiantely not intrusive,

In re: to grandchildren thats really none of my bussiness (unless there was a major safety issue etc)

I dont like being told how to raise my son and will hopefully remember that in my dotage lol and be as sweet and lovely as i am now LOL:D

I think my DIL will be one of the lucky ones :yes: hehehehe as i'll probably be too busy playing lawn bowls to worry about what shes up to!!!

[EskimoMumma]

I think my DIL will be one of the lucky ones :yes: hehehehe as i'll probably be too busy playing lawn bowls to worry about what shes up to!!!

:laughing: How old do you think you'll be as a grandma?? (since im sooo young ican see myself as a grandma by the age of 45 atleast)

[*~alegna~*]

:laughing: ...lawn Bowls!!!!!..What a hoot. I think we'll be the break danceing grandmas!!!!

[QUOTE][The biggest thing is her demanding that our ds call her "nana" which didnt sit well with dh
/QUOTE]

I relate here, My FIL has new partner, not married. SHe is ok but DH has issues with that aswell. I guess it comes down to , the children not being aware of adult issues & respectfulness. My neice (2.5yr) calls her "Amma" so I guess she was the one who forced a "compramise"...Not really grandma or Nanna. hehhee. Clever Girl.

x Ang

[Callian]

I have a 23 yr old son who lives with his 19 yr old partner, they have a beautiful son who is 20 months. I have a 21 yr old daughter, she lives with her father (my ex). I have a 4 1/2 yr old son and 14 month old son with my new partner. So I am by all accounts a mil and definitely a grandmother. I do not live in the same state as my son and have not done so for a few years. I did visit them in Feb of this year and will admit that I was not happy at how they lived. It is not that they are not looking after their son, they are doing a wonderful job, it was the state of the house. I do not mind a messy house but this was pretty bad imo. Yes I did say something to my son about it, as he was not brought up this way. We did not have a fight, just talked about ways of keeping it clean. How the two of them can help each other with it, work as a team. They did get together and gave it a clean and tidy up. I made sure that I praised them both for their efforts as I was really pleased that they made the effort.
I do not know my dil that well. She is a very quiet young lady, but I figure if she can put up with my son then she is alright with me:)
I will say the only time I would really be a pain to them is if they were to neglect their son (which they don't) or started doing drugs, drinking heavily, gambling, etc. You know, things that can have a negative impact.
As for being a grandma, it is a bit strange as having young sons of my own, my grandson is one of the boys. I will say though, that in the next two years am going to be moving near my family and am looking forward to it. So I will be able to polish up my granny skills. It is going to be so much fun.
By the way, my son calls me the evil one, that's okay I tell him he was spawn of the :devil6: We have a good relationship.

[~Danni~]

I hope to be a good MIL. My one is horrible.....

All of the problems stemed from her wanting to control DF and the way he wanted to raise his child, and also she told DF that if he didn't see his sister she wouldn't have anything to do with him so........

what I have lernt is:ecomcity:

#1 - there babies they raise them they way the like, it's not my place to judge
#2 - If my two children don't get a long later in life I can have a relationship with both, because they are seprate people, not a single unit.
#3 - when my cjildren are ready to move out (ok not at like 15:laughing: ) I have to let them go and support there decisions, even if I don't agree

My DF loves my mum, she is always supportive of what we do even if it is not somthing she herself would do, and she is never pushy but is a phone call away if we need her help for anything (thats how I would like to be:D )

(OMG DF and I realised if DD has a bub at the same age I did I am gonna be a granny at 36 and him grandpa at 37 :laughing: my mum is only 41 so it's all good...)

[Mischief]

I hope I'll be a good MIL and not resent my new DIL for taking my son away!

Arrggggg.....all the cr*p Ive had to deal with from my hubbys family is enough to make me want to be the best MIL ever. I dont ever want anyone to be made to feel like I have.

I'm going to try to look at it as "I want my son to be happy, if this woman makes him happy, then I should love her for that no matter what".

[Mum2Bug]

A couple of my male friends have said that if they didnt love me like a sister they would marry me just to have my mum as their MIL. My BIL thinks my mum is wonderful too!

[qldgirl6]

I am one to say that I have a better relationship with my MIL than my own mother (believe it or not!!). Don't worry - my MIL has her faults and a few of them at that, but as for treating me personally, she is fantastic! She sees me as her daughter - she never had any daughters herself so I think that helps matters. I've been having a really rough trot with my own parents turning on me, and my in laws have been one of my biggest supports.
And because I know how much that support and love means to me, I hope I will be a great MIL when the time comes.

[Peaceangels]

I have a wonderful MIL and step-MIL and have a great relationship with them both.
I also have a very close relationship with my mother, so the MIL's know that and have never tried to come between us (thank goodness!)

I think the MIL relationship works so well because she is a very unobtrusive lady and I am also very conscious of my children spending equal time with all grandparent's. I beleive it is very important for children to spend time (alone) with their grandparent's to build up a relationship and bond, so from their point of view (the grandparent's) they are not "missing out" so to speak.

I think alot about being a MIL myself one day and will be refraining from telling my DIL/'s how to raise their children (only in emergencies). I really do hope my boy's find someone who will want a relationship with me.:fingerscrossed:

[FourAngelKisses]

I adore my MIL, she is like a birth mother to me. She can't babysit or anything, but she is alays available for other things. She is the best!!! I will call her before my own mum.


And I hope I can be a great MIL when I get DIL's, lol.

[MumOfTwoBoys]

I adore my MIL, she is like a birth mother to me. She can't babysit or anything, but she is alays available for other things. She is the best!!! I will call her before my own mum.


And I hope I can be a great MIL when I get DIL's, lol.

So magic DOES happen! :yelclap:

I wish more people could say the same as you do...

[FourAngelKisses]

I'm not the only one I hope? lol

[angcaltam]

Nope you aren't. I've got a great MIL. She came in with me when I had DS1 and she was great then with DS2 they were talking about it may turn out to be a c-section but then said that no I should be fine to deliver natural, I was so scared of how it was going to turn out I only wanted DH with me, but then when it started to kick into gear I told DH to ring his mum and get her up here asap. She was with us for the first 24 hours then had to go home and have a sleep but then after the second 24 hours it finally ended in a c-section so she couldn't be there. But she knows her place not like my FIL. But I wont start with that.

As for me, I really hope that I can be a really good grandma, and try to only give advice when asked. As long as my kids are happy then I will be.

[TanyasGot3Boys]

What an utterly brilliant thread!!!

Having 3 boys I have often mentioned to my friends that I hope "the curse" never catches up with me. Which curse? Well, doesnt it always seem to be the mother of the husband thats the dreaded MIL?!?! It definately seems to be the trend :thumbsdown:

I'm going to go with my mums idea of treat me with respect and you'll get exactly the same treatment back. :yes: I've also always thought that I'd like to treat my DIL's like they were my own daughters. So I hope you are right qldgirl6 :D Plus its definately a Nonas job to spoil the kiddies :yelclap:

[*~alegna~*]

:laughing:

This is hilarious...how we all think about what we're going to be like.

I wonder if anyone is just thinking the total opposite to all of us....."I am going to make my DIl's life a living hell".....:laughing:

There's a thought ..HAHA

x Ang

[MumOfTwoBoys]

I agree, it is kind of funny. But that's the thing: almost NO ONE will ever say ....."I am going to make my DIl's life a living hell"..... Then where all this monsters-in-law come from??? It has been like that for centuries and it proved to be culture-independent. :rolleyes:

[kymmy]

In short, what is it to be a good MIL? Any ideas?


I hope I will make a good mil, as i have 2 boys and look forward to them marrying and giving me grandchildren!!
I think my mil is a great mil, so maybe I will look to how she is with me. She is loving towards me and knows how weird her son is!!!:p
So we understand each other for the most part.
If my boys love their wives I will have to love and respect them also.

[SassyMummy]

I think I will be a dreadful, judgemental and interfering MIL.

Actually, going by how I am at hte moment, I probably won't be interfering...well, at least not obviously. I'll do it a bit more subtly...and I'll be nice and polite...but secretly plot to remove any skanks from my son's life.

I'll also certainly whinge and b*tch about her behind her (and DS's...if/when I have one) back.

I know I'll be nice with DD's man (unless he's a w*nker)...

[Pobblebonk]

Hello! How are you?

My MIL is a complete nightmare. Was a major contributing factor to the demise of my relationship with DP while I was pregnant with our child. Now we are back together and thankfully, DP acknowledges that his mother interferred and attempted to control me etc.

My own mother is even worse than my MIL. I grew up with my father because my mother put her relationships before her child, and so I have only ever seen her sporadically throughout my whole life. Decided that she wanted to start bossing me around 'because she is my mother' during my labour. Refused to abide by my 'No Smoking Near Baby' rule and threw a tantrum when I enforced it. Haven't heard from her since DS was a few days old.

My fathers partner, is a COMPLETE DREAM. She has been there for me as the only female motherly support person through this whole thing and is always the first person to help. Even though my DS is not her own grandchild, she treats him as if he is and just adores him. She is The Nanna. I love you!

I have always said, after experiencing what damage interfering and controlling MILs and do, that I hope to be my DIL's best friend. I hope to raise a Man who will treat her like a Queen, who will pull his weight in the household, be loyal and support her. I will raise my children to understand that when they find a partner and have their own children that that family unit now becomes the primary one, and comes FIRST (unlike what my MIL thinks). Also, I guess, everyone makes mistakes, even DILs need to learn to be mothers by themselves without being micro-managed by MILs that Know The Way. And when it comes to grandchildren - I dont want to raise them, I want to ENJOY them.

[pickles]

My mother - in - law is fantastic !!!!!! She helps me with the children, cooks us dinner once a week ( huge roast ). Never tells us how we should do things differently. And is always there to support us. My own mother however works in a high paid full time job and has very little time to spend with her own children let alone grandchildren.
All i can say is that my mother in law has bought both her boys up to be loving and very involved partners / fathers.
I can only hope that i can be that type of person for my children / grandchildren.

Pickles
DD 02/03
DS 03/05

[~rambox~]

Hi Girls,
This subject is a real pain in the butt for me. :banghead:

I will never alianate the mother of my grandchildren if i like her or not as that has been done to me and my DH stood by me and we dont speak with his family because of it. With that said because of this and other contributing facts to the demise of the relationship with the inlaws they have not seen our kids since Caleb was 5 weeks old. They have never seen Connor or Saxon and the only way they will is if the boys want to see them when they have there licence and can get themselves to their house.

I will be nice to my Daughter inlaws so that I will be able to see my grandkids grow and continue being friends with my sons.