Still trying, but feeling like a failure!!

[mumma sienna]

hi everyone...

my DF has just started work in QLD (we're in nsw) on a 6 day on 1 day off roster (who the hell came up with such a stupid roster!!!) which means he doesn't get to come home! we are trying to organise a trip to go see him, but it seems that everythng is becoming difficult and expensive!!!

i am also feeling unappreciated and unloved at the moment! feel like everytime we talk to each other it turns into an argument, because we are both exhausted!!!

does anyone else have these issues? or does anyone elses better halves have such a stupid roster??

[Seacretsquirrel]

DH is in the Navy so away heaps (8 weeks on which usually means gone for at least 6 of those then 4 weeks off which means a normal work day unless he is on holidays) and I often found esp in the early days (even before we had kids) that the phone calls were really hard and I often ended up in tears (it didn't help that I had moved from brisbane away form all my friends and family to be with him) which was hard for him as he was so far away. But it did get better and easier to stay calm on the phone with him. I only really get to talk to him once in a blue moon when he is away as there is no reception at sea and in some ways that is better as there is less of a reminder that he is so far away (not sure if that makes sense but its true for me) We do get emai contact though and that is often better as I can be all positive and cheery via email even if I am in tears which means its a bit easier for him to be away as he is less worried about how I am coping.

As for the arguing I think this is a noremal Teething issue with the distance as you can't help but feel a bit resentful and left behind sometimes. That roster must be very difficult and I would think hard to maintain for long term (depends on the daily hours though I suppose) I think if you can find some support for yourself do you have family near by? who could just drop in for a cuppa and to take that interest in you kids.

I also find that a pretty strict routine helps keep me sane too esp the bedtime one I like to have my kids in bed by 7pm 90 % of the time so that the evenings are mine to relax and chill out a bit and that helps.
and what sort of holidays does he get? perhaps having a nice holiday to save for and look forward to might be nice too - though I find the first couple of days when DH get back from sea he is knackered so we have very quiet days then we get stuck into a bit more fun and outings etc.
HTH
Good luck it does get better and you get better at it too:hugs:

[summastarlet]

That is such an awful roster!!!! Unless you are living near where you work..how are you meant to ever come home for a break?!?

Is this the first time your DF has worked away from home like this?

My DH is on a 10 days on/10 days off roster (just been changed for a 14 & 6..woohoo!). He is working in NSW at the moment and we live in QLD. However the company he works for flies him in and out of Brisbane for his time off.

He has had all kinds of different rosters since he started in the mining industry 1.5 years ago but none like what your DF is experiencing. That must be really hard.

I can sympathise with the arguments. For a while whenever DH came home we would have a massive fight the first night he was back and then it would take another day or 2 for us to go back to 'normal'. When we do get the chance to speak on the phone while he is away (which isn't always possible depending where he is based as there is not always reception) we often have fights over stupid things..DH is tired he works 12 hours day for however many days in a row his roster is..Fights happen I suppose.

Being apart from each other can be tough especially if you have not done this before. It took me quite a while to get used to being alone so much and to not always have contact with hubby when he is away.

I agree with the previous poster-get yourself a support network of friends and family happening! It will keep you sane and perhaps give you a break from the kids if you need it.

Perhaps working towards a holiday is a good idea. Something you can all look forward to as a family and give you a chance to have some quality time together!

Know that there are plenty of us around on BH that have partners who work away and we're hear if you need to talk. :hugs:

[Violetta]

For years my partner was only home on the weekends and he is currently half way through a few month stint away. I think it's much easier when you know you'll see them on X day and you can make plans.
I can understand why you are fighting, you want his support and he's far away from home with no idea when he'll be able to see his family again. If you can try really hard to take the higher ground and diffuse a fight before it starts. Everything seems worse when they are away. Sometimes when my partner and I can't come to an agreement on something and tension builds I'll tell him we can't discuss that topic now but perhaps another day. It gives us both a chance to think about our position and normally the next time it's not emotive at all. We are also willing to back down and have the other person deal with a situation and take responsibility for what occurs if we can't reach an agreement.
Silly example: What type of milk to buy, compromise can't be reached so one person will back down and both parties will agree not to fuss even if the wrong decision was made. I know the example is silly but the point is if one of you fell passionate about a choice instead of fighting about it you or he can back down. Getting to the end with the person you love is more important than going exactly the way you want but being alone at the end.
Hopefully soon you'll be able to look back on this time apart as a not so fond memory.