Will we ever get along?

[FOURtunate]

At this point I am happy to see my Inlaws as acquaintances, but I feel so badly for my DH and our kids.

When DH and I met, I already had a DD. We kept that part of my life from MIL and FIL, until we were 100% certain about our feelings. Looking back, I know it because my DH was terrifed of telling them that I was already a Mum. Big Mistake. MIL and FIL found out through another person about DD, and a big fight ensued. It was actually that bad that DH moved out of home that night. So things were kinda awkward between us after that.

Eventually we moved in together. That was another big deal. And when DH and I decided to buy a unit together, FIL talked DH out of buying a property with me. He actually said it would be a mistake to make that kind of a commitment. When our DD2 was born, I was made to feel as though she was their family's property. At family gatherings, I would be ignored, and MIL would be the centre of attention holding DD2. She would tell everyone who listened that she had DD2 "all the time", and would constantly remind us of the things that she bought for DD2.

Every little thing I say is met with silence, or made negative, or a joke. I feel completely invaluable. I also feel like a bit of a joke, like nobody takes my or my relationship with DH seriously. My friends say it's time to get tough. To an extent I have. I no longer call MIL to give updates, or to chat. I no longer organise family get togethers. I make excuses not to go to their get togethers. But lately I feel that DH feels resentment toward me about this situation. He cannot see how I have been treated. Not just by his immediate family, but by the extended family also.

In the past, the hold this family has over my DH and I has been so strong that I have considered divorce to be the only option to break free. DH's family are quite prominent, and have made it clear that they would fight for my children. Plus, I adore my DH and would never leave him to deal with them alone. He feels sick whenever we have to see them.

I am starting to dread the thought of having to deal with this for the rest of my life. How do others cope? :banghead:

[Miss Tazar]

I was having trouble with my sisters once and it was stressing me out so bad that I began to take it out on my work colleagues and DH. My employer forced me to go to couselling or I would lose my job.
It was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Counselling gave me an opportunity to vent without recrimination, or backlash.
Then they gave me alternative perspectives on what could be happening
And then they gave me strategies to cope and manage my own feelings more approrpiately.
And finally, they gave me strategies to help deal with my family.

For example, when conversations began to cross the line into "my personal business" instead of reacting and arguing, I began to say "I need to go now, I'll talk to you tomorrow, see ya" The point was to let them know that I wasn't going to discuss 'that', but that I was still interesting in being involved. It worked, they learnt what things they could talk to me about.

Have you tried counselling, I know it is not everyones cup of tea, and it certainly wouldn't have been my choice, but it helped me sort things out.

Otherwise, you need to find a way to communicate with DH so that you both understand all the isssues and can present a united front. A family meeting with his parents may help, especially if you are prepared and support each other.

Why are his parents upset that you already had a child? Are they worried about money, inheritance issues, cultural issues, age gap? If you can work out what really is the issue and discuss that, then all the other little stuff might resolve itself.

Good luck, hope you find some peace soon...