View Full Version : omg..wtf!
so just found out by accident that bil and sil are having their wedding in fiji. They've booked 8 tickets and 1 child for june. They haven't mentioned this to us yet. Oh by the way me and bub aren't included in the tickets just df as he is best man. Im a little peeved about this. More the fact their paying for mil but have complety forgotten about fil as he wont crack the ****s about not being invited. Im more angry the fact its in june and they haven't given us any notice to have the chance 2 save. By the way none of us have passports either. And its for a week. Its kool guess il stay home with the baby hey. What would u think about this?
cookie087
21-02-2010, 01:35
My dh wouldn't be going if I wasn't. Firstly it's not fair on me and bub, and secondly it would cost a fortune to be there for a whole week.
It seems quite rude to me and very inconsiderate on your relatives part, the fact you've found all this out by accident isn't good. I wonder when your SIL & BIL were going to tell you :(
3/4 months is not a long time to save up for return airfares, 1 weeks accommodation and passports. Plus preparing/acquiring passports also takes time. A lot more notice really did need to be given to you about this. Is it possible they just assumed you and bub wouldn't go so they only bought your DF's ticket? Even if this is the case, they still should of told you about it and not let you find out accidentally.
Justboys
21-02-2010, 01:39
Nope my DF would not be going, it would cost a fortune for a week and to book it without telling :confused: :shame:
how nasty of them do this i'd be fuming :banghead: :devil:
Thats a toughie. I would be annoyed yes, but at the end of the day it is their wedding. If it was me and i wanted to have a wedding in fiji i would do it regardless of what others though, it would be my day after all yk?
On the other hand a week is a long time, and the fact they didnt tell you is a bit rude, does your DP know?
My dh wouldn't be going if I wasn't. Firstly it's not fair on me and bub, and secondly it would cost a fortune to be there for a whole week.
Ditto. What the heck :confused:
their paying for the hotel,air fares and breakfast each day. But still don't think id feel comfortable with him going by himself, considering the family dislike me
we kinda come as a package these days u no.df me and bub
I definitely wouldn't be comfortable with him going for a week if it were me.
Do you think your DF could mention to his sister that he will only be able to go if you and your son come along too? (Which would mean your expenses being paid too as it's not fair for your SIL/BIL to expect you to come up with the costs of your own travel, food etc). I think your DF should ask them this question and if the answer is no, well, I don't think he should go either, as it's not just disrespectful to you and your bub but also to your DF too.
smileygirl
21-02-2010, 05:18
I'd have no issue with DH going to a family/friend wedding for a week....and i would not expect the couple to pay for me and DS to go along if we were not close.
I'd not like the "surprise" angle...but mainly for practical reasons (like him needing a week off work).
Can I ask how you found out? Did your partner already know and not tell you?
I think it sounds like an amazing experience...and a wonderful wedding...at the end of the day...it is there big day and this is a time where they can be selfish and do what they want. No one else should tell you how to do your wedding....i know mine ****ed a few people off....but...it was our day, not theirs.
I'd have no issue with DH going to a family/friend wedding for a week....and i would not expect the couple to pay for me and DS to go along if we were not close.
I'd not like the "surprise" angle...but mainly for practical reasons (like him needing a week off work).
Can I ask how you found out? Did your partner already know and not tell you?
I think it sounds like an amazing experience...and a wonderful wedding...at the end of the day...it is there big day and this is a time where they can be selfish and do what they want. No one else should tell you how to do your wedding....i know mine ****ed a few people off....but...it was our day, not theirs.
:iagree:
I don't own my DH or his family. Fortunately though I feel very secure with and about DH. And his family. They see me and treat me like their own daughter/siblings.
I suppose if I was feeling insecure about things I might feel differently, feel offended or hurt in some way. But I'd make the effort to suck it up and get over it, because they're my feelings and I don't let other people dictate them. Plus, it's their wedding and for all you know the reason it's taken so long to decide is because these were all difficult decisions for them to make - that HAD to be made when such hefty costs are involved.
This is their wedding. If I was them and it was going to be stirring up issues because people got their noses out of joint, I'd probably feel like eloping and tell everyone to sod off... But, they've invited who they've invited and that's their choice.
I'd let DH go, and let him enjoy it!! Chances are he's going to go, so it's your choice as to whether he saves a little money, feels supported, and enjoys his time over there with his family (in which case you'll certainly feel more gratitude reciprocated in future).
Or you can get stroppy about it, make him feel bad so a holiday is essentially wasted with bad energy, or even worse he not go at all, and have him resent you for the rest of your lives together. Because things like this are the little resentments that get pushed aside but always live under the surface, and end up damaging relationships for no good reason.
Think about it this way... If he goes with your blessing and has a good time, will you regret it or worry about it in 20 years time? No, you won't, in fact, it will be one of the things he remembers fondly in your relationship because you acted with grace and generosity. If you pull the reins and tell him he can't go, and cause issues between yourself, his family etc, will you regret THAT in 20 years time? Most likely yes, as these are the things that rarely get resolved deep down and cause ireparable damage.
The other thing. You say his family don't accept you. Perhaps they are expecting this kind of response from you? Perhaps they've seen you respond this way to other things before? Maybe by letting go of your insecurity about this, and allowing him to have that time with his family without issue etc, they will respond to you differently. The way you respond to this, and behave throughout it, could be the very thing that creates great relationships with your in-laws. Or if you don't "let" him go, it could cement any ill between you all.
I have an issue with the idea of "letting" partners do things. I've heard lots of women say this before. It's not what relationships should be about. This is about fear and insecurity. In your mind the question is do you let him? In reality - you don't have the right to not "let" him do anything. You may not like what he does, and you may have to deal with that through your relationship. Each of us is always going to do things that the other doesn't like. That's human free will, and if we aren't "allowed" to exercise it, then resentment will flourish and relationships emotionally become a farce. The only thing you have a right to "let", is to "let go". Sorry if it sounds harsh, but this is the truth.
I'd take that week to enjoy my own company, find myself for a little bit, and try to work on become a more secure person in and with myself, so my insecurities don't impact my relationships.
You can choose how you feel now AND in 20 years time. I'd choose happiness and freedom of the heart...
Great post elissas...
I think for me it would come down to how difficult it would be if he DID go away for a week, financially, stress wise with bub etc. I know with my second son it would have been an absolute NO, (colic etc) but this bub is so cruisy, I don't think I would mind.
Do you have enough other support so things won't be too difficult if he does go?
The very short notice is not too good, what did your DF say about it all, how does he feel?
Crazyfamily
21-02-2010, 07:16
it think if they wanted to do this then you should have been given time to save for the trip also. I understand them paying for bridal party/parents but to not give you time to save is rude. I know if someone did this to us my partner would not go as he would like me there.
florence
21-02-2010, 07:17
My DH wouldn't go if his girls couldn't go with him.
I can't believe they would be so rude!
Wow that is rude of them.
I think in your situation, as hard as it is, I would give my partner my blessing to go (secretly I'd wish things were different). I wouldn't let them come between us and cause fights. I wouldn't let my unhappiness be another tool for their (we don't like her because...) belt. Don't let them affect your relationship.
I'd hate to come between him and his family, no matter how horrible they are. I'm sure he loves you very much and takes everything they say with a grain of salt.
I hope you can find some peace in the resolution of your situation and whatever the outcome.
The Girls Only Club
21-02-2010, 09:54
Personally I would pack DH bags drive him to the airport give him a kiss tell him to have fun and love the week he was away.
DH family and I cant stand each other but they are DH family as such and I would never get my nose out of joint if they wanted hubby there and not me.
It was definately rude that they didnt tell you about it though
Baldie's Mum
21-02-2010, 09:57
My dh wouldn't be going if I wasn't. Firstly it's not fair on me and bub, and secondly it would cost a fortune to be there for a whole week.
Absolutly agree!!!!!! There is no way on this green earth that if my BIL did that to me (and trust me i recon his GF would want it to happen) there would be 2 things either MY family at home all together, or me moving back to my mum and dad's! But then again, my IL's have alot more issues than a wedding!!!! BAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHA!!!! :o
Hmmmm tricky, Yes it is rude that they didn't give you a chance to save to go aswell, but as others have said it's THEIR day, and THEY have the right to do it as THEY choose.
I personally would be pi$$ed yes that we didn't have enough time to save, but would be happy for DH to go as it is his family, and HE should be at family events :yes:
I was in the same boat as you 2.5 years ago. DH's brother (who I dont like anyway) was having a super duper wedding in Ireland and gave us very little notice to go, so it would be impossible to afford the trip with 4 kids. He then said, well just DH should go, and the invite was sent to DH only.
As it turned out, DH went (I wasn't thrilled about it, with a 3 month old, 20 month old & 3 y.o to look after for 3 weeks on my own). But DH wanted to go, and as far as he was concerned, that was the end of that. He took our eldest son with him, who was 4, which killed me, as I hated having my baby half a world away.
Nearly 3 years on and I so wish I had put my foot down and not let DH go. He used up precious annual leave for himself, so that we didn't get a holiday that year (and I so needed it after being a single mum with 3 little ones for 3 weeks!). But above all, I feel that the fact that he actually went and left me and his children, who should have been his priority, was wrong.
As the girls have said, your BIL & SIL have the right to organise their wedding however they like. But I think your DF owes it to you to stay with you and your baby, not only out of parental/partner responsibility, but as a stand against his relatives that says "We either all come together as a package, or none of us at all".
mum_I'm_hungry
21-02-2010, 11:12
:confused: I think this is really rude! It's one thing to be invited to be in the wedding party, which is nice, but it's another thing to be 'told' you're going to have to go to Fiji for a week on a certain date. What if he doesn't want to take holidays at that time of year? What if he doesn't want to leave his partner and child for a week? I don't think it's about being 'insecure' at all. I think it's very rude to be told what you're going to do and when you're going to do it without any discussion.
I can see where you are coming from.2 weeks ago my DH's brother got married and he was best man.I wasnt invited,nor were my kids.I was pretty freaking furious.I wouldnt have gone anyways as I cant stand my inlaws,but it was the principle,and the fact DH didnt stand up for his family.
I think you really need to nut it out with your DH,as I was very bitter and angry in the lead up to the wedding,not emotionally healthy:no:
Carebare10
21-02-2010, 12:32
Oh by the way me and bub aren't included in the tickets
considering the family dislike me
I'm not sure what you expect? The inlaws don't like you, yet you expect to be invited to the wedding and for them to pay for your trip to Fiji?? I'm not having a go, but when I got my married I certainly wouldn't have invited people to my wedding that I disliked, let alone pay for a weeks holiday for them.
MummaFug
21-02-2010, 12:37
If they are paying for everything for DH then I'd be happy for him to go.
I would hate to go to a wedding where I wasnt wanted and wouldnt want DH to miss out.
I'm not saying I wouldnt be ****ed off and hurt but if you know they dont like you - then I guess you cant expect much more from them.
Boobycino
21-02-2010, 12:42
I think its silly. Invite one, invite the family IMO, particularly if its for a week!
And if its a budgetting challenge, as in, they've bought one ticket, give you as much warning as possible, say we can afford to fly the brother over, but not his family (which i understand) give you the oportunity to save and come, or decline the offer, or whatever you want to do.
I also dont like the additude that FIl isn't invited because he'll be gracious about it. :(
Carebare10
21-02-2010, 12:45
give you the oportunity to save and come, or decline the offer, or whatever you want to do.
. :(
But they don't like her. Would you invite people to your small wedding that you didn't like?
Seacretsquirrel
21-02-2010, 12:46
I understand that you are ticked off that you haven't been included but just to play devils advocate you found ut by accident you haven't recieved invites yet either perhaps they have decided that they can only afford to pay for the flights and accom for only the wedding party perhaps june was the only time that they could book to get married ..... there are a lot of what ifs I'd be waiting for the official invte before getting too worked up over something.
If it was my DH I'd let him go as it is his family and as he has been asked to best man it is an hounour. But I suppose DH goes to sea all the time so being stuck at home with the kids is the norm for me. I hope you all sort something out that you are both happy (ish) with.
But they don't like her. Would you invite people to your small wedding that you didn't like?
:laughing: I wouldn't go to the wedding .. but I would expect if my hubby was going to fiji .. that I could go and sit by the pool while he went to the wedding ... :laughing:
The only bit that annoys me is the surprise bit babe .. I have no issue with them only paying for one ticket .. but in all seriousness .. they didn't OFFER you the choice of booking yourself a seat on the same plane? thats just damn rude. What sort of room have they booked him on the island?? a single room? again .. RUDE ..
How did you find this info out? are you SURE they haven't included you in the seating? could there be any miscommunications happening? ?
I know its THEIR wedding .. but DH is part of YOUR family first - then theirs .. he is YOUR partner ... I think there is a lack of tact ..sigh
Crazyfamily
21-02-2010, 13:08
But they don't like her. Would you invite people to your small wedding that you didn't like?
I know i would if he/she is the partner of someone i want at the wedding. I have done it. I cant stand my best friends partner but I would never invite her and not him.
I'd have no issue with DH going to a family/friend wedding for a week....and i would not expect the couple to pay for me and DS to go along if we were not close.
I'd not like the "surprise" angle...but mainly for practical reasons (like him needing a week off work).
Can I ask how you found out? Did your partner already know and not tell you?
I think it sounds like an amazing experience...and a wonderful wedding...at the end of the day...it is there big day and this is a time where they can be selfish and do what they want. No one else should tell you how to do your wedding....i know mine ****ed a few people off....but...it was our day, not theirs.
:iagree:
I know its THEIR wedding .. but DH is part of YOUR family first - then theirs .. he is YOUR partner ... I think there is a lack of tact ..sigh
I think that says it in a nutshell.
If your DF entertains their exclusion of you by going without you, its going to set a precedent for many future upsets. Best to establish the ground rules now, or you'll be having this battle every time DF's family has an important family function on.
mumtofive
21-02-2010, 13:51
But they don't like her. Would you invite people to your small wedding that you didn't like?
i understand ur point...
but she is his wife, not a friend but an important part in his life.
My inlaws and i dont see eye to eye, but i have never been excluded from a family event and if they pay for hubby they pay for me and the kids.
i think u need to find out the enitre facts before making a desision, the short notice is very rude, what if hubby cant get time off?
u could also use this time away from hubby to ur advantage and have a girls week!
robsgirl
21-02-2010, 14:02
What does your dh think about it.
OneNowOneLater
21-02-2010, 16:03
I'd be p!ssed too! I had a similar situation a few months ago with my MIL - who wants to take DF (will be DH by the time) over to Germany right before xmas this year by himself.
DF has said no to his mum - as like others would see, we come as a package deal.
SassyMummy
21-02-2010, 16:55
Perhaps what they wanted was something small and intimate.
It's their wedding and I think they do have the right to invite your husband and not you if that's how they want things. If every man and his dog was invited and yet you and your child weren't, then yeah, I'd be offended... but they haven't.
trishalishous
21-02-2010, 17:02
Im surprised at the ladies who talk of 'letting' their DP do things.
My DH and I are equals and would never dream of telling the other what they can and cant do!
In this situation I know my DH would never go to an event if I were specifically excluded, just as I wouldnt. We are a package deal, and became that way when we committed to sharing our lives together.
DH wouldnt even consider being best man at a wedding if me and Peanut werent invited.
(Ironically my BiL disagrees, and went to a 'immediate family only' (and the partners/children we WANT to invite) event solo recently, and DH and I discussed this scenario)
Honestly I'd probably be a bit annoyed if I found out by accident, but after I'd had a chance to think about it... I would probably not like it but be gracious enough to let DH go, arrange for my best friend or my mom to come over and help me with the bubs and have a nice, relaxing time as well.
BUT... I would also see it as the perfect excuse to save up what I would have used for a trip to Fiji and book a fantastic holiday (doesn't have to be Fiji, could just be somewhere special for DH, bub and I) later in the year. Maybe even at christmas when we both can get time off at the same time and truly relax and have a great time!
SassyMummy
21-02-2010, 17:13
Meh.
I'd be a bit jealous if my partner got a free trip overseas and I didn't, but I wouldn't "ban" him from going. Not at all. Lucky him I'd think!
thing is i have postnatal depression and i struggle to look after my son on good days, my partner doesnt work just is studying so im used to having him home every day to help me look after ds. Df will not b going as he finds it unfair for them to exclude me his son and his father. Im nothing but nice to them and dont try and stir the pot with issues but if we let them get away with this then itl happen for the rest of our lives. Bils fiance has no respect for us and thinks of me and df as scum, if she had it her way df wouldnt b invited anyway just like the father hasn't. Its come down to trying to out do our wedding. They wernt planning on getting married til 2012 but as our wedding is also in 2012 she got her nose out of joint and told us to change our year because 2012 is their year not ours. And its not about 'letting' df go or not, he can go if he really wants but he thinks its crap and he has his own family now and chooses not to go. They have booked him into a room with his mother. He cant stand his mother for starters. Found all this out due to bils hotmail being left signed into on our computer
I am very glad your DF will not be attending :) It's obvious that his loyalties lie with you and his son and that is just wonderful and it's the way it should be. His family (apart from his poor father who seems to be copping the same treatment as you guys are) sound like a bunch of selfish, childish drama queens. By the sounds of it, even if you and you son had been invited, none of you would of had a good time anyway...and unless you're going to have a good time then there is NOOOO point flying overseas!
Hopefully one day your DF's family will pull their heads in and start treating you and your family with the respect you deserve. The fact they are trying to "out-do" your wedding is ridiculous - and they only thing they are "out-doing" themselves out of is their family members. Sounds like they're purposely trying to burn every bridge they can, pathetic really. Hope you're OK.
*babygirl*
22-02-2010, 00:07
firstly:hugs: i would be quite upset as well.
I understand it is THEIR wedding and they can do as they please... but IMO it is EXTREMILY rude to book a ticket for your DP assuming that he will able to go before you have all had a chance to nut-out the details and discuss the feelings... so now you are put in the situation where you're the ***** because you wont LET him go... taking the choice away is rude and inconsiderate! not liking you is no excuse!
secondly, i would HATE for DP to be overseas without me.. not because i'd be jealous or insecure but what if something happened to me or DD or a family member and he was in ANOTHER COUNTRY?? to me i just couldnt handle that! and DP and i come as a package deal...i wouldnt leave him with the kids to go overseas for a whole week and i would expect that he would feel the same... as i know he would.
Just because someone is getting married doesn't give them the right to be rude. KK88 isn't just People, she is family she has given birth to a little family member, she needs to be treated as such whether they like her or not. their brother loves her ad therefore she should be excepted.
What sort of message does it send to his family if he goes with out his significant one and his child.
Your DF should stand by you and child.
I hope you find resolution.
KK88 - I feel terrible for you.
Despite the fact that your inlaws dont like you, they should keep their mouths shut and accept you. You are the mother of their new family member which makes you their family so they don't get to choose you. Your DP chose you. Just like you didn't get to choose them.
In regards to this wedding crap, I have never been married or planned a wedding but I know that to invite one person and not their partner is horrible. I get them not paying... that's a big ask... but an invitation, whether you can make it or not would be the least you can expect.
My half brother is getting married os in Aug. We dont particularly like his DF but we will never say anything because he loves her and they have a child. My father is paying for me and my DP and our kids airfares and accom just so we can go to the wedding because he wants us to be a family.
In regards to 'letting' your DP's do things, I never forbid my DP from doing anything. I do let him know how I feel about things and then he makes his own dicisions. If he were invited to a family wedding and not me, providing we could afford it, I would want him to go. Nothing is more important than family, I will always be here when he gets home.
KK88 - I completley understand how you are feeling in regards to your DP going away without you, my DP goes away without me for work, and I do not cope well. Hospital visits, anxiety attacks. I hope you have lots of support around you to help. :hugs:
My partner went away with his family over summer for a month and his flights and accom were paid for by them. I didn't go as I was 5 months pregnant and wanted to be home if I needed medical attn plus I had bad ms still so the issue of me being paid for too didn't arise. If they had offered to though I would have insisted I pay myself. I honestly wouldn't want anyone paying for me. I guess not all women work but then if I couldn't afford it myself, I don't think I would want to go. I'm quite independent like that. Also, I guess it depends on how one views relationships. My partner is part of my life, not my whole life and vice versa. While he was away I had a great time spending time away with my family, going to music festivals with mates and preparing for bubs with the help of friends.
I guess everyone is different but I would hate to be seen as part of a " package" as I'm an individual with a partner I love but who I have a separate identity from. I suppose I just see it through a different lens to many.
It's good to hear, however, that you got the outcome you wanted and that it hasn't caused tension between you. The thought of being alone would have been horrible given your specific circumstances.
Aurora21
04-04-2010, 20:05
:iagree: completely with you Goat!!! awesome post!
come on ladies we are our own individual people who then come together and create our own little familes. we are still individuals...I cannot believe the amount of posts regarding "package deals" "If I can't go then my man can't go" Jesus its like living in the dark ages. Some women can't do a pee without having a man by their side.
Not referring to KK88 here, I'd be cranky too sweetie, sounds like your newly to be sister in law is a drama queen who likes to hog a lot of attention. Well its your bil's loss not having his brother and father at the wedding, looks like she'll be cracking the whip for most of their lives together....
Nope my DF would not be going, it would cost a fortune for a week and to book it without telling :confused: :shame:
how nasty of them do this i'd be fuming :banghead: :devil:
:iagree: 100%, how RUDE
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