Partnered but absent Daddy :(

[meggs]

Hi there,
Im just wondering if anyone else out there is partnered but their partner works long hours and doesnt really see their kids?

My DH works 65+ hrs a week including weekends and is lucky if he sees DD for more than half an hr in a day...it breaks my heart that she wont really go to him for cuddles, yes she knows he is Daddy but she is pretty blase whether he is here or not... we have always worked hard for them to bond so if for any reason Im not around DD will be fine with him...he baths her and puts her to bed at night things like that but he misses out on so much:(

Im getting very resentful that his work expect so much from him but he gets little back...he is meant to get a monthly RDO but due to staffing issues they havent happened for a couple of months, he can come to my ultrasound tomorrow but that's it... DH doesnt help matters that he wont ever take a day off either not even a sick day and it annoys me... it isnt like we make lots of $$$ either for what it works...

Anyway just wanted to have a bit of a vent, it has been building up and we have another baby coming soon :rolleyes: I think i must be mad haha...

[mrse]

i dont have any kids but DH works over 90 hours a week and it will be the same when we do have kids.

But DH runs his own business and also assists in support with car racing and sponsorship which in turns helps promotes his business

I know it will be hard once we have family as it wont be just me he will have to think about it will be his own flesh and blood.

Chin up and sending you these:hugs:

[meggs]

Thanks Mrse:) but OMG!!! 90hrs!!! how is that even possible??? Seriously my DH is never home and that's 65hrs!!!

Gosh I have nothing to complain about! hehe your DH should see my DH for sponsorship - well my DH's work anyway haha....

I know there are people in more difficult positions like defense and single parents etc... i guess im just someone who is all or nothing...and I cant see the pay off for all the hrs he works...

[mumma sienna]

Meggs, **hugs**!!!

i know the feeling, before child, DF worked away in QLD while i was in nsw, which was hard!!! he came home when i was pregnant, and DD is now 3 and he has gone back to QLD and we won't see him for months!!! it's hard i know, but our partners are just doing the best they can!! as long as your DP gets time with you guys at night, treasure it!!!!

have you spoken to your DP about how you are feeling? men are pretty blase when it comes to the dreaded..... "emotions".... haha, maybe he doesn't realise??

good luck, but try to keep lines of communication open and that way the resentment is minimal!!!

good luck with the new bub too... when it arrives!!!

[meggs]

Thanks MummaSienna:) I do appreciate that my DH is home every night and I know it is hard for people whose partners work away i guess though for many the trade off is the more you work the more you earn so kind of has a pay off whereas for us it doesnt - well not very much anyway...

My Dh does know how I feel constantly but he is like "what can I do?" I just dont want us to always come 2nd place to his job....

[mrse]

If there is a car race on sometimes DH will work 48 hours straight and no sleep and I wont see him for 2 days. Just to get the car ready to get on the race track. And days where he will start 6am and come back midnight. It an be really hard at times and I know will be harder once we do start a family

But if he was working for someone else and not getting any benefits from who he was working for then I would be unhappy. can he cut his hours back?

I know harder said than done but maybe talk to him?

[meggs]

oh I wish he could cut back!!! He works for a major corporation and the other guys work the same but most dont have kids... and he is in sales so works on commission but annoying when you work hard and spend time with people for them to turn around and go no thanks or not be able to afford it etc.... funnily though the other guy with a child has had a few days off for various things but my Dh wont... they have been given RDO's once a month but as I said for a couple of months they havent been allowed them...

[mumma sienna]

My Dh does know how I feel constantly but he is like "what can I do?" I just dont want us to always come 2nd place to his job....


i don't think it is you guys coming 2nd, i honestly believe that alot of DH's work alot to try to provide better for the family. he might not be earning huge amounts now, but are there chances of promotions etc??

i also think all families feel like this when they have young families because they are trying to further their careers and juggle home life, it will all work itself out though!!! i guess in a way you DP is right, what can he do about the hrs? is his boss flexible??

i don't have any real advice i guess, just to treasure the time he is at home. me and DF are stoked that he is back in QLD cos of the money (he was unemployed on and off for 3 yrs), but hate that we can't see each other all the time! mind you, him living away doesn't mean he gets paid more!!!!!i wish!!!!

[mrse]

Thast not right...giving them RDO's but they are unable to take them up! That is not fair to him or to ypu and why as a company offer it on the terms that when they choose they can take them up

I would be so mad. How about looking for another job if he would consider it?

Oh you poor thing. Esp when you both want to spend quality time with him and cant

[meggs]

Thanks MummaSienna you have helped alot:) I can see where you are coming from and i do think DH does it for us and our future and I like to think that down the track he can get a promotion BUT the other problem is I hate where we live and want to move so that doesnt help :laughing: so the thought of spending even longer here is awful lol...but when he says he wont stand up for himself and ask for time off knowing others get it really hurts me and does make me feel like we are 2nd place, his old boss was more understanding cause he has kids but he moved departments...

Mrse - i know hey but its only the guys in my DH's department that actually get them and it isnt really company policy i dont think..

[elleandsam]

Meggs, big :hugs: for you. DH is in the Army as a cook and works so much. He gets up and goes to work at 5am and gets home at earliest 5pm and sometimes works shifts meaning he gets home at 7.30pm. It's hard, but we both make sure he gets some quality time with DD whenever he's free. Not only that but I talk with DD about 'Daddy' and what is he doing. She also has a teddy with his voice in it, push the teddys hand and Daddy says goodnight, I love you, time to go to sleep now.

I wish he was home more, and it's very hard. Good supportive friends really help.

[meggs]

Thanks chicky:) yeah you are right supportive friends are great and I have some good ones, but miss having family too, it is pretty isolating here and a long way from family...another story about Dh's extended family that live here:rolleyes:

Im just tired of long lonely weeks and DD missing out, at least if Dh was away for work he would get some time off when home that would help but he doesnt... and he has to take all his holidays for the year at once so that doesnt help either...be nice to have a whole weekend together ;)

[elleandsam]

My family AND DHs family live in Queensland and we live in NSW, doesn't it just suck? It really just makes life tough, but I guess we just have to be strong and get through it. :hugs:

[meggs]

Ill swap you!!!!! Im in QLD and my fam are NSW!!!! Perfect:)

[Baldie's Mum]

Meggs, i was talking about this with Kristi the other day. How hard it must be to explain to her 2 that daddy is going away (again) for a few months, he will be home again, but not for quite a while. :rolleyes:

My DH leaves 6 mornings a week at 5am and returns somewhere between 5 and 6 at night. He then does book work every afternoon from about 7 till 9. Unless there is night work, and then he has dinner and then goes to work for the whole night, and sometimes goes straight to his day job! LOL!!! Sunday is major book work day. So he spends at least 4 hrs in the office. Owning your own business is hard.....but there are other rewards that we will get in a few years!!! :yes:

Meggs, personally i would be demanding to the workplace that DH gets his RDO's!!!!!!

[meggs]

Thanks WFMB..it has actually helped hearing from others who I know have the same issues... I just feel sad for DD, I always have this image of little girls being Daddy's girls and I really want that for mine too but even of a night when DH gets home she is excited for about a second when he walks in the door then all over me and wont give him the time of day... just not what i want for my children... I dont think she would even notice if he was away for weeks or months:( Im very blessed with a wonderful husband I know that and I know i shouldnt complain when others are worse off but things always build up!

I think Im just disappointed that I hoped Dh would get his RDO tomorrow and have the day together and he wont push it ggrrrr men!!!!

[Mmm Dessert]

Meggs hon, I know this has been an issue for you for a while now. My DH is similar, in that he will never say no to anybody. Ever.

It was at the point lately where I pointed out to him that, when he's at work helping everyone else out, his family are missing out at home. I think I finally got through to him. Well, for the time being at least.

Silly question, but have you spoken with him about it?

[meggs]

That is soooo my DH!!!! Will never say no or speak up! Ive even scheduled my previous ultrasounds in his lunchtime so he could come, he is entitled to take an hr for lunch but always only takes half an hr if that he is like his dad a workaholic! in 2 yrs he hasnt taken 1 sick day... he needs toe dentist but been putting that off...

Mardi i might use your tact and see what he says... we have talked about it, he knows constantly how I feel but he has only been in this job and career 2yrs so is reluctant to change or do anything... but i do feel alot better having shared it on here... just knowing others are going through the same thing really does help..

[elleandsam]

Ill swap you!!!!! Im in QLD and my fam are NSW!!!! Perfect:)

Sounds like a great plan! When do we trade ;)

[meggs]

ASAP:D funnily we have army up here so you would be set and I used to live in Ryde so Concord is easy done and I can get a job easy! All set!!!

[bgbgbb]

Meggs, I can empathise with you. My DH works 60 hours a week, and that doesn't count that he's away interstate for up to 2 nights a week. Not only does that place a greater burden on me, but does affect the kids, especially the older ones.

Last year DS1 told his teacher Daddy was dead! When they approached me and I gently questioned my son, he explained that he'd heard on the tv that when Daddy's went away that means they could be dead. I soon clarified the situation, but he no longer takes discipline from his father, only me.

The way I try and handle the situation is Guilt. I make DH feel guilty for not being there for his kids and putting his clients and work ambitions ahead of his family. For the past few years we have not made a fuss of Fathers Day because I felt he wasnt around enough to warrant it. When DH is made to feel guilty, he actually does try and make more of an effort. When he lapses again the Guilt factor is hyped up again.

I know it seems manipulative, but I feel some men dont have the same parental instinct that most women have. It's something that they have to be taught or reminded of, and if guilt is going to work and get them to be with their kids more, then I'll use it.