At my wits end... HELP

[lil miss]

My partner and I are kinship carers of his 12 and 10 yr old sisters and 8 year old brother, plus we have a 2.5 year old dd and im due with dd 2 in july.

My issue is with dp's brother (lets call him James). James suffers ADHD and is on Ritalin tablets to assist him conectrate at school etc. The kids have been thru a lot in their life, and while i do believe that has a lot to do with his behaviour, it doesn not excuse it. We have had to change his schools, and so far the new school is wonderful, they deal with him a lot better than the previous school. But its not school thats the issue- its him at home. His behaviour is dangerous.

The kids know that they come straight home after school. However, he frequently does a dissappearing act, and no one knows where he is. He has had all his playstation and xbox privildges removed and has even had his brand new DSi taken off him indefinitly. It doesnt phase him. He has been confined to his room for 2 weeks, other than school and dinner times. Doesnt worry him in the least.

THEN... last week he went to gym around the corner with his sister and their friend. I told them to be home by 530. The sister came home on time, telling me he had told the friends parents that he didnt have to be home til 630. I was angry, and waited for him to come home. 630 came, no sign of him. 7pm, still nothing. We rang the friends parents and they said he had left them at 6, and they hadnt seen him since (gym is at the end of our street). We rang everyone we knew, searched the entire house and yard. Nothing. DP and our house mate ended up walking the entire town looking for him (he is one of those kids who will get in a acr with strangers, or swim in a strom drain cuz he feels like it). Still nothing. Then at about 830 we decided to call the police so the boys came home... and found him laying on his sisters bed downstairs under the blanket. he had even ditched his wet clothes, and she had been sitting on her bed only 10 mins before.

Its kinda the last straw for me. I grounded him for the rest of the year, didnt phase him. DP said he could no longer live with us (we have warned him several times that if his behaviour continues the way it is he cant live here), didnt worry him in the slightest. NOTHING SEEMS TO WORRY THIS KID!!! And nothing gets thru to him about how dangerous it is. I just dont know what else to do. I honestly think i should tell welfare that I can no longer have him in my house.

What can I do... everything I have tried had failed.

[moozle]

What an amazing woman you are! Fristly, well done on taking on this responsibility. It sounds like your BIL has had a really rough life and although things SEEM like they don't phase him, it's probably a bit of an act so that things that hurt, just bounce off him. If I were you, I would take him to a GP and get a refferal for counselling. It sounds like he has no regard for others and no awareness of how his actions affect others. If you have a refferal, Midicare will pay for the majority of 8 sessions. It sounds like he needs to hear the facts from someone else. Try to find someone that he can feel comfortable talking to. Someone who has experience with troubled teens. All the best.

[SuperGranny]

hi lilmiss, I applaud you for taking on this job. I wonder is the medication too much for the boy?? Reading through what you have said, he appears to be almost in some sort of trance. Nothing gets through to him, nothing upsets him, ??? that would cause me to worry. Is there is some other problem in that he is just blocking things because he has been hurt too greatly to deal with his emotions now?? he is only 8, isnt that too young for the common teenage angst that can happen?? I hope you get some help, marie.

[lil miss]

What an amazing woman you are! Fristly, well done on taking on this responsibility. It sounds like your BIL has had a really rough life and although things SEEM like they don't phase him, it's probably a bit of an act so that things that hurt, just bounce off him. If I were you, I would take him to a GP and get a refferal for counselling. It sounds like he has no regard for others and no awareness of how his actions affect others. If you have a refferal, Midicare will pay for the majority of 8 sessions. It sounds like he needs to hear the facts from someone else. Try to find someone that he can feel comfortable talking to. Someone who has experience with troubled teens. All the best.

We are hoping to get counsilling for him, but unfortunitly everything like that has to go thru welfare, and they organise it which can take forever and a day. our case worker has said sje will organise it, and where we live it may take up to a year before we can get in.

[lil miss]

i have spoken to welfare about my bil going to another family for a couple of weeks and they believe it may be worth trying. It will show him what its like not having his sisters around, but he will also be able to get more one on one attention that may help calm him.he is due to go to the paediatrician to have his meds reviewed sometime next month and i finally was able to get a referral for councilling for him (how long it takes to get an appointment is another story).

im startin to worry that if he is like this now, how will he be when the new baby arrives and even more of my time is taken up. Again i think welfare is concidering putting with another family for a bit to help with this.

[lil miss]

:crying: well i feel like the most horrible person on the face of the planet

As u know we are having issues with dp's brother. Things have been going ok the last few days, still a few issues with him misbehaving in class. Or so we thought. The principal wrote a letter today....

"...despite making good attempts during the week ****** has continually been involved in incidents at the end of the week, especially on a friday. ..... Since our last corrispondance the following incidents have occurred;

21/5/10: pushed a child onto the ground and when the child tried to stand ***** pushed him down again before sitting on him and putting his hands around his throat

28/5/10: grabbed a girl by the head while on his way to line up with his class and shook it with force

4/6/10: pulled a boy backwards by the hat so hard that the hat cord was wrapped around the childs throat leaving a distinct red mark

.... we are requiring that ***** school attendance be reduced to 4 days per week starting this friday. Beginning friday 23rd july he may attend fridays until 11am and from friday 6 august attend until 1pm, before returning to full week from 20 august, conditional upon his behaviour.

I should add this has been in the few weeks since he was suspended for violence towards other children.

I am bawling my eyes out now. I have rung our welfare worker and told her (we have previously spoken about him being placed somewhere else), and said it needs to happen asap. I think she almost started crying when she heard me too. I just cant deal with him anymore. We have done everything in our power and then some to prevent this from happening but nothing works. I know its horrible, but my dd and bub are my number one priority, and i really dont need this stress.

I feel like such a horrible person :gloomy:. I really do think its best for all involved, including ***** but it doesnt make it any easier. And it sucks because the kids are so close to being bak with their mum full time (we are hoping by xmas). Grrr... ive run out of tissues.

I feel terrible for dp as well, as its his family and i cant imagine how hard it would be for him. He does agree with me, but i know it doesnt change the fact it much be killing him inside not being able to do anything. :crying:

[kiki07]

You poor kids are really doin it tough. It doesn't seem like any of you (you and your partner or his siblings) have been given enough support from the welfare department. Do you think your worker is listening to you? Can you tell them you need respite / assistance and you need it now? If not, can you talk to your worker's boss?

take care,

K

[bgbgbb]

I can empathise to a degree with the angst you are going through (and may I say you are a wonderful woman to be doing what you are doing).

My eldest is nearly 8 and was diagnosed with autism at 3 (although that is debateable, I think its more a case of hyperactivity with speech disorder). At school and at home he was playing up big time. We took away privileges and that did nothing. He just got angrier with us.

So, then we tried a slightly different tactic. His speech therapist said that a child with an intellectual disability cannot discern when to play up and when not to, but an intelligent child can. We know our son is intelligent and so we took her advise on something.

Rather than taking away his privileges, we gave him a rewards chart and brought him a toy that he really wanted (in this case a Transformer). We showed him the toy and then hid it. He was told that if he behaved at swimming, school (got daily reports) and any other social environment, as well as at home, he would get a sticker. We didn't make it an easy task, he had to get a hundred stickers, but if he went to say 2 social activities in a day as well as school, he might get 3 stickers for that day. Every time he played up we brought out that toy and reminded him what he was working for. When he played up he lost a sticker. He wanted that toy so badly that he changed his behaviour. It wasn't all immediate, but it was much better as time went on.

He got that toy 3 weeks ago and his last school report went from all Poor's for behaviour to Good and Excellent. Now a lot of that 'better' behaviour is a habit and he gets pride in knowing everyone believes he is a good boy to deal with.

It mightn't work outright for you, but it might be one tactic to try?

[Loopy Linda]

hi, i just came across this thread. i am in a very similar situation and i am wondering how things are going?

[lil miss]

hi, i just came across this thread. i am in a very similar situation and i am wondering how things are going?

He has been put back in the care of his mum most of the time, we have him 2 nights a week. he has been suspended from school AGAIN, and still doesnt go to school fridays as this is the day he plays up the most. I do know that his behaviour was improving until i had our 2nd dd 7 weeks ago.

But not having him live with us full time has def made a difference.

[Loopy Linda]

if you ever want to talk, i am going through similar. pm me

[lil miss]

Had the lady from Pathways (our carer support agency) drop in the other day with the papers for us to renew our application to be carers of the kids (the court order runs out in November). She was quite shocked when I said we aren't going to renew our application, and asked why. I told her I want to focus on MY family, and that MIL has had more than enough time to get her life together (we have had th kids for just over a year now). The lady said she understood, but yet still tried to guilt trip me by saying "oh, well, we will have to get a plan in place in the even that the kids are not able to go back to their mother. Good thing we have plenty of time, because there is a shortage of carers here". Yeah well love, thats YOUR problem, not mine, and I wont be guilt tripped into doing something I can no longer do!

I dont see why the girls wouldnt be allowed to go back to MIL, their brother is already there monday-wednesday, and the girls are there monday, tuesday, wednesday afternoon and from friday after school until sunday night.