Loss of another kind

[Harley's Mum]

Hi
Im new to all of this but when I saw all the messages in here I felt compelled to say this.

My name is Kylie and I too have loved and lost a baby. But unlike many of the messages I have read in here my baby was still born and although I appreciate how those people must feel after M/C I couldnt help but feel that what they are feeling is so much different to what a mother of a still born baby is feeling.

It is for this reason that I have started this new thread so that mothers like myself have the freedom to express themself as well.

My son was born 01/01/03 (New Years Day) and I will never forget the day I ws told of his passing. It was 2 week since my last checkup and while at this stage I should have been having weekly visit I had to wait an extra week because of Christmas Holidays. My pregnancy had been going fantastically the whole way. I never had any morning sickness and very little to complain about for the entire pregnancy. As my due date was getting nearer and nearer I became very close to my mum than ever before. I told her my feelings as I went through them and one day told her I wasnt sure if I could feel the baby kicking. She quickly reassured me and said not to worry and that It was just because I was so far along now that the baby was probaby too big and didnt have much room to move.

I went in for my checkup with mum at 38wks on 30/12/02 (this was the first time she was able to come with me) and was asked all the usual questions and then I was asked if the baby was still kicking. I had to stop and think about it. I told the doctor I wasnt sure. I thought I could feel it move sometimes but not actually kicking. The doctor checked for a heart beat with no success then brought in a small ulstrasound machine to see what was happening. My doctor told me she was concerned about my baby and wanted a second opinion. I was taken to have a second ultrasound and I just kept thinking that evrything was ok. My baby is fine and I have nothing to worry about. The doctor looked at the ustrasound and conferred with the nurse and told me that my baby's heart had stopped beating.

I couldnt believe it and stopped breathing for a few seconds and then felt my mum embrace me. I dont know what I would have done if my mum wasnt there with me that day. The doctor explained to me what my options were for giving birth to my baby then told me go home and get as much rest as possible as I had a long hard day ahead of me.

The next day I went back to the hospital for an induced birth that seemed to last forever. When my baby finally came out I was told it was a boy and asked if I wanted to hold him. I said yes and the nurse rested him on my tummy. I cant describe how he looked except to say that to me he was and still is beautiful. As I was looking at I kept wishing for him to open his eyes and greet us with a beautiful smile. But my wish never came true.

It has been three and a half years now since the day my son was born and I still wish he was here. Although I was able to hold my baby after his birth I nerver had the opportunity to say hello, to see the colour of his eyes and to experience so many other things that comes with motherhood.

Since then I have given birth to another little boy and although I am now experiencing all the things that comes with motherhood, he will never replace the hole in my heart from my first baby.

I hope this helps some of you that may have gone through a similar experience as I have. I feel great pleasure knowing that although we cannot see or touch our little angels now or ever that no matter where they are now that they are safe and at peace.

me-Kylie 33

Aiden 01/01/03 (dec)

Harley 22/04/05

[SilverStarfish]

I don't know what to say... I don't think there is anything I can say, except thank you for being brave enough to share your story with us.

:hugs:

[Bron]

Hi Kylie

Thank you for sharing your very moving story. The reason we called this section "support after pregnancy loss" was to ensure that the section can provide a space for everyone who has experienced any kind of loss of pregnancy. Thank you for opening up an area for those who have experienced your kind of loss.

Your story was very touching. :hugs:

[cmd'smum]

Kylie :hugs:

I was reading your story with tears in my eyes........ I'm sure Aiden is watching over Harley all the time :yes:

You are a strong person :hugs: :kiss:

All the best with your little boy and thank you for sharing!

[Niki]

your story really touched me it must have been so hard for you and im so amazed at your strength...thank you for sharing :hugs:

[Melo]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your story made me cry, thank you for sharing.

:hugs: :kiss:

[reAllytee]

Your so incredibly strong :hugs:
I wish i had the words to say something but i dont thankyou for sharing that with us :hugs:

[skyejax]

your story was very touching. i appplaude u for posting it. i havent ever exprienced that type of loss. i hav had 2 early m/c, and had to hav my dd early as i was at risk of still birth due to cholestasis( itchy skin that can result in still birth if livr function goes down hill, so u hav 2 b closely monitred and as mine started to go bad i was put in to hav bub).
my mother thouhg experienced similar to u about 8years ago...she had a amnio at 18wks...i think...anyway after she thought she couldnt feel bub so she went to dr and he sent her for u/s, and saw the bub had passed, so now at 20 weeks she had 2 go in and give birth, i remember it was pretty awful for her. she didnt get to hold him though because they said he had been deceased for about a wk and e was really soft, but she has a photo and foot print, and the hosp held a sml funeral service for the mums. the autopsy came bak he died of bacterior that lives on our skin.
any way thats my tail and i am glad u hav another little boy now to richen your lives even more.

[PhAnToM]

I am lost for words. :crying:
I am sorry for your loss, but applaud your courage to put it into words and share.

[Bubble*Crazy]

Words can't obviously help in this this situation, but I'm so sorry for your loss. But as others have said, you are such a courageous person to be able to share with us :hugs:. Thankyou.

[Hokey Pokey]

I am so sorry :crying: :hugs:

[Karizma]

:crying: So sad, I am lost for words. :hugs:

[moonblossom]

Sitting here crying, I admire you so much for your strength.

[Fitmumma]

I cannot imagine the pain & loss you have been through, my heart aches for anybody who has gone through this, I have had a M/C, but I do not think that in any way compares to the loss you have been through, your story should remind us all how lucky we are to be blessed with our little ones.

[Blessed Mum]

Your story moved me to tears. I can't begin to imagine what you have been through....................I don't know what to say except thankyou for sharing it with us, you have made me stop for a second & look into the eyes of my two kids & realise how truly blessed I am. You are a very brave strong woman & I hope to chat to you some more.

I'm truly sorry for the loss of your precious son
:hugs: Tara

[Adria]

Hi Kylie, like everyone else i want to say how sorry i am for your loss.
I will admit i didn't feel that comfortable about posting about my m/c here.
Because mine was a blighted ovum, meaning i only had an empty sac. I didn't feel i had a real loss, like others, as yourself.
I can't imagine what it feels like for you, but im glad you have shared story with us.

[Harley's Mum]

Hello to evryone who read and responded to my story:wave: . Your words are very kind and give me much comfort to see them here.:hugs:

For the ones who have experienced a M/C. I feel that maybe some of you think that what I have been through was harder than what you have been through. I want you to know that although my experience was very different to yours I cannot say that it was worse or better than what you have been through.

In the end we have all loved and lost our little angels and I cannot begin to imagine what It would be like for you in particular for those who have M/C more than once and/or still TTC.

My main purpose for posting my story here was to help others like myself in the hope that they will not feel so alone in their grief.

Again many thanks for all your kind words and I look forward to talking and maybe meeting some of you one day so I can thank you personally. :hugs:

:smiliedance:

[bronny-jane]

i cant stop crying:crying:
this is what im scared of:crying: it must have been so hard for you to go through this
i dont think i would come out on top of it at all:( :hugs:

[MrsTwith3]

Kylie,
Thankyou so much for sharing your story with us. As most of the other ladies have said words can not do any justice. You are trully an amazing woman.
By the way your little boy is gorgeous.:hugs:

Mel

[Rianna]

Kylie,
Thankyou for sharing your touching story. The thought of a still birth is something I deeply fear, especially having miscarried a baby.

[Mikeswifey]

My heart and love goes out to you and your precious angel who is watching over you and your family.

Rhiannon xoxox

[~EmsMum~]

wow
thank you for sharing your story
:hugs:

[*Jetiza*]

Your story was very touching, moved me to tears.. Thanks for sharing with us..:hugs:

[angelickaren]

hi kylie i am so sorry for your loss my best friend also had a stillborn in 95 she lived in england on the isle of man and she was also like you she had a great pregnancy she went into labour at 35 weeks and they gave her the steriods shots and manged to stop the labour and bubs was fine at this point and then she was watched carefully from then on as also she is type 1 dietbitic as well and then she went into labour againat 37 weeks and they did a search for the heatbeat and could not find it so her baby had passed away she had to give birth to her baby girl and she was in so muh pain trying to push the baby out the baby got stuck she finally got it out she held it and took pictures and had moulds of hands and feet done i was pregnant as well at the same time and i was stressing when i didnt feel bubs move and my g/f got pregnant again and she move back to australia to have it now she has 3 beautiful kids but she too always thinks of her everyday. once again sorry for your loss

[juliek]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :hugs:
My sister had a still birth a few years back and it was a terrible time for the whole family. My sister makes a cake on his birthday every year and he has his ornament on the christmas tree. It's something that you never forget and the pain is never any less, it just gets more bareable.

[keentr]

You wrote exactly what I was thinking. I am searching for answers/ help/ comfort and only read about miscarrages not still births.
We sound (unfortunately) like twins. I lost my little baby at 38 weeks only 2 weeks ago. It hurts so much and to hear that you are still hurting after years and another child, makes me even sadder - there is no hope in getting over the death of my baby. I was told that stillbirths 'just happen', but reading the chats it does not seem too regular - or is it just too painful to talk about?
As soon as you get pregnant you have a baby. To lose that baby at any stage is heartbreaking. To actually hold a perfect looking, full size baby in your arms, after carrying, talking, getting excited, setting up the room for 9 whole months, and for your only wish is for her to open her eyes or cry, is down right evil.
The only thing that helps me - a mother of a stillborn baby girl, is to talk about it- to know that it does happen and that I am not alone.
Thankyou to all who openly discuss their devasting stories, and also thanks to everyone who shares the good times - it gives hope.

[cmd'smum]

You wrote exactly what I was thinking. I am searching for answers/ help/ comfort and only read about miscarrages not still births.
We sound (unfortunately) like twins. I lost my little baby at 38 weeks only 2 weeks ago. It hurts so much and to hear that you are still hurting after years and another child, makes me even sadder - there is no hope in getting over the death of my baby. I was told that stillbirths 'just happen', but reading the chats it does not seem too regular - or is it just too painful to talk about?
As soon as you get pregnant you have a baby. To lose that baby at any stage is heartbreaking. To actually hold a perfect looking, full size baby in your arms, after carrying, talking, getting excited, setting up the room for 9 whole months, and for your only wish is for her to open her eyes or cry, is down right evil.
The only thing that helps me - a mother of a stillborn baby girl, is to talk about it- to know that it does happen and that I am not alone.
Thankyou to all who openly discuss their devasting stories, and also thanks to everyone who shares the good times - it gives hope.

I read you original thread about the loss of your beautiful baby girl and was wondering how you were doing. Just wanted to give you more :hugs:

[wantagirl]

I am in tears after reading your story! Noone can know how you feel unless this has happened to them. I am so sorry for what you have had to indure. My heart goes out to you and your precious son that waits in heaven!!

[JuniorMinime]

Well it's been exactly a year today that I lost my Ethan. But I do have to say this......the doctors told me that even though THEY call it a m/c it sometimes is acutally a death!!!

That is what has happened to me twice (and a natural m/c so that makes 3). My Ethan was 12 wks when we had to go up to Bris to have a CVS. That was the worst thing that I have ever had to go through and I feel for all the women that had to have an amnio as it's basically the same thing (needle through the belly).

Everything was ok so I had to go back at 15wk for another check up. So I did, I told my DF not to come as it was all ok and everything was going to be fine. Well it wasn't, there was no heart beat. We had a feotal death. My ob didn't know whether or not to induce me or have the d+c as it was a pretty big baby. He did end up having the D+C but I have to say it is the same empty feeling and loss that you feel whether you have given birth or not!!!

This one that I just lost in September was 10wks but the loss was still the same. I have three strong voids to fill and it's really hard. I am struggling today because of Ethan and I just wish that I had the opportunity to hold him. The hardest thing for me is that I never had a funeral as there was nothing to bury cause of the operation that I had. I wish I could though. I had a big argument with DF this morning and I can tell it's going to be long hard day to get through.

Just wanted to get that all off my chest. I do feel for you, I just think that it's the same feeling of loss that you feel no matter how you lost it.

[Worm'sMum]

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Words cannot express the sorrow I feel for you having to go through this awful thing. I guess it's something all pregnant women fear and I am so sorry that this happened to you. Wishing you all the love and support you deserve.:hugs:

[melbryan]

I sit here in tears also. I can't imagine the pain you must feel. Losing the a child would be undescribable. Since I have become a mother whenever I hear another child has died, piece of my heart goes out to them, it's heartbreaking.
:hugs: to you, children are surely a gift from god.

[Wivi]

Hi,

My cousin went through the same experience a few years ago now. I remember the terrible time it was. We are very close and it was just devastating for the whole family. They did go on to have 2 healthy children, but the loss of their first child is always in their hearts. Each year they celebrate her birthday and she also has a Christmas decoration on the tree. There are a few photos up in their house as well as her birth certificate.

When I was pregnant with my son I thought about it a lot, especially as the time for his birth was near. I couldn't imagine the pain of coming home from the hospital to the decorated room with all the little baby things but no baby. I think I held a real fear of that experience as I bought very little for our baby until I knew he had arrived safe and well. I refused to buy anyting at all until after that 20 week ultrasound.

Thank you for sharing your story. It is very important that people like yourself share your experiences. I pray that each year gets easier and that you enjoy your other son immensely as he grows.

[elfling]

Hello,
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I gave birth to a stillborn baby girl at 17 weeks. I then lost our 2nd baby girl at 22 weeks after spending 7 weeks in hospital with my cervix stitched. She lived for 40 minutes and my husband and i held her in our arms while she passed:crying: . I was absolutely devasted. I finally had a baby boy just 5 months ago, our miracle, but the pain never has left me. I just take 1 day at a time and thank god for my precious son. I truely believe that the hardest challenge in life is a child leaving this earth before their parent. My thoughts are with you and all of the ladies that have lost their babies.

[RoarsomeMum]

:hugs: Thank you for sharing your stories.

[rennie]

Thank you for sharing your story, I really appriciate reading it. It has made me feel less alone. I lost a baby at 18 weeks, although it was not full term I found it extremely difficult to deal with giving birth to a stillborn.

[candice_bree]

Your story bought me to tears...

Your very brave for sharing it with us!!

I dont really know what else i can say :hugs:

[~mia&ryan~]

Oh my goodness. I am sitting here bawling my eyes out.:crying: :crying:

My heart goes out to all of you and your families:hugs: :hugs:

[karcarcor]

My story is different again, my pregnancy with no2 was going as well as my first, I had all the tests and they came back clear, then at 20weeks we went for our scan. The nurse told us she couldn't quite see everything properly and that it was probably her machine or the baby's position, so she led my husband and I to a private waiting room and said she'll get the top dog to use his new beaut machine(should've known something was up then -but didn't have a clue).
Anyway, she tells me that maybe if I jump around a bit the baby might change positions and everything will be easier to see. So yes, like an idiot, here I am inthe waiting room poking at my belly, jumping up and down.
When we went to see the doctor, he started telling us that the baby's brain wasn't developed properly, it hadn't split, and the heart had problems, :ecomcity: :ecomcity: :ecomcity: . It was then that I realized something was wrong so I asked him outright what it all means and he told us that our baby was not going to be able to live outside the womb.
To cut a long story short, we had to make a choice - have a termination or carry the baby to term but the baby was not going to survive.
We had a 12month old daughter to think about, so chose to terminate - we didn't believe we had a choice.
All I wanted to do was get it out. I didn't want to see the baby or hold it or even know the sex, I just wanted to be rid of it.(Sounds cold, I know).
We had to wait for the weekend, then when I went in I found out that I couldn't just have a D&C, I had to give birth, and there had to be a birth certificate. That changed everything - I wasn't having BABY on a birth certificate. So my husband and I thought up names that could be used for either sex(I still didn't want to know) and we didn't want to waste a name that we liked( I know, I know)
The labour was the hardest and most painfull thing I have ever been through - I knew I was going through this pain with no reward at the end.
Afterwards I felt the need to see my baby.
Charli - our Daughter - was stillborn on 24-10-2000 and weighed 550grams.
We got to hold her and the hospital took photos, handprints and footprints and dressed her in clothes knitted by volunteers. My husband and I spent that night in hospital holding our daughter.
My parents and his also got to see her and hold her if they wished.
Charli was beautiful, but because she was so early, her skin was still quite transparent, and because of her problems, she was slightly disfigured. I didn't think it was right for my 1yr old to see her. or anyone else.
The hospital was wonderful and gave us counselling and a cremation and burial in their special rose garden. We still go to see her on her birthday.
Since then we have had 3 more children with no problems. But that 19/20 week scan scared me each time.
My children know that they have a sister who died, but they don't know details, when they are old enough, I will explain fully and show them photos.
I have found that the hardest thing was peoples reaction to the termination. As far as we are concerned, we didn't have a choice. It was not amn abortion as such, but some people take this view. Iam strong enough to believe in myself and my choice.
I still get sad at times, but then look at my 4 happy healthy children and think about how lucky I am. Things could be worse.

[RoarsomeMum]

:crying: for you and your loss of Charli. Thank you for so bravely telling your story.:hugs: