Single mothers who's kids have a deadbeat dad. Questions.

[mum2bubba]

How do you cope? I mean, if/when your child(ren) ask about their father what do you tell them? Are your kids always sad, blaming themselves for your breakup?

Sorry to bring this up but it seems my partner doesn't want anything to do with his kids if we were to break up (which is looking more and more like I want to each day).

Thanks.

[crazymuma]

At first it was really hard.

My daughter is too young to really understand as he is basically a stranger to him now. She has seen him a handful of times since the split but never remembers him

For the first few months my son would cry at least once a day for his father - there wasn't a whole lot I could do but comfort him and remind him that he still had his sissy and me and that we love him.
We still have this occasionally but its getting better.

I think whats made it harder in my case is that dad didn't just walk away - he made life really hard and contact with the kids was all over the place. He would ring and promise them something then they wouldn't hear from him in months. If we ever had a month with consistant phone calls to the kids when the calls would stop I would have to spend a week dealing with extreme sadness and aggression in my son.

My son doesn't blame me for the breakup in any way though - the only problem is now that he doesn't see dad he thinks he is some kind of god who never does anything wrong - his absence has made my kids forget anything bad he ever did.

I think it would have been alot easier if he had just dissapeared - I don't think his coming and going when he pleases helps the kids (or me) at all.

Guess alot of it will depend on how old your kids are and their relationship with their father.

Can I ask why he won't want to see them??

[~Candy~]

My 2 older kids know he does it to 'get at me' so I can't go to work.
He's only hurting himself because the kids know I will always be there for them and they also know he loves them, but hurting me is obviously more important.

No, my kids don't get sad about it, they get dissapointed in him. But they happily get passed that and enjoy being home on the w/end rather than stuck in a boring flat.

To be honest, I'd rather he said he's either in their life or not going to be in their life, because what he's doing now is just pathetic.

[sunnyflower]

My ds and i have been on our own since day 1 but father is a deadbeat dad,has only seen him a handful of times and never paid maitenance.I don't really know the impact on him tbh,i ask him if he wants to talk about it and he always says no.

I just try and fill his life up,he never brings it up anymore.

[TurnedBatty]

Im not a single parent, but thought I would answer on behalf of a friend. Her daughter now six goes on and on about her dad alot. She even has dreams where he comes over for a playdate, though she has nooo idea what he looks like. (Apparently he has an orange beard.;))

My friend is usually really good and calm during it, because frankly its going to happen. But the other day she couldnt handle it and started t ocry. Her little girl went up to her and said "But its okay mummy, I know its better just you and me." :(

But in saying that, she isnt always sad. Its just hard on her when she has never known him at all. My friend just tends to say to her "Oh really? And what does your daddy do with you in your dreams?" or "Yeah sweetie, maybe one day." She wouldnt ever, even though the guy is an idiot, put him down in front of her daughter though.

[Benji]

Grant seems a LOT like my ex - he would barely look at us sideways when we lived with him.

Now he wants to have DS because the most important thing to him is money, so he has to have DS to keep his child support payments down :)

DS is none the wiser!

[mum2bubba]

crazymuma: I don't know why he thinks that, why he wouldn't want to see them. He told me if we break up he wouldn't want anything to do with me so therefor he wouldn't see the kids. He told me he didn't want the last two, he only wanted one.

[crazymuma]

crazymuma: I don't know why he thinks that, why he wouldn't want to see them. He told me if we break up he wouldn't want anything to do with me so therefor he wouldn't see the kids. He told me he didn't want the last two, he only wanted one.


My god how have you lasted this long with someone like that??

I think him having contact with only one will do more damage then him either walking out all together or coming and going. I can't imagine how the little ones would feel growing up knowing they weren't wanted.

Try telling him he will either have to have all of them or none of them - tell him the courts can force him to take them all and see what he says then.

Is it possible that you wanting to leave has just hurt him and he is saying these nasty things to try and hurt you? Is he a good dad normally.

I think in some cases (like mine) its actually better for the children to have zero contact. I think thats something only you can decide though in your case.

[mum2bubba]

Well, I knew he didn't want any more after Hayley but we BOTH had sex and had a baby (well, two babies actually). We both didn't use protection. I don't know if he's 'all talk' or what, there is a part of me that is scared/worried if we break up and he did see the kids I wouldn't get them back or because he is angry at me he'd take it out on them. He isn't the best father but there are alot worse. He has called Hayley a moron before (happened a few years ago, but anyway) he doesn't really spend much time with them. He puts a roof over our heads and that's good enough apparently.

[murrythecat]

mumtobubba - your kids are exactly the same age as mine! 5, 2 and 7 months.

I've only been separated for 1 month.. so far my 5 year old is the only one who notices and he doesn't say that much about it frankly.. he just accepted it.

I do think that now ex and I aren't rowing in front of them all the time it's a lot nicer at home and even my 5 year old notices that! he said to me one day though something that nearly brought me to tears.. i was cleaning up in the kitchen and he was helping me.. it was just after ex left from visiting them.. and I told my son he was a great little boy for helping me.. I said 'you're mummy's helper.. mummy's little man eh?' and he said 'yes I am mummy.. and mummy.. I won't ever leave you okay'... I nearly cry just typing it. he made me realise he sees and hears everything. I hope he turns out well adjusted at the end of the day etc.. I think so.. thinks are just up and down with ex now re visiting and money etc.. but I don't think he feels he's to blame.. he just says 'I don't like it when you argue with daddy' so I promise not to.

we did have one incident though last week when he cried when daddy left.. and he wanted daddy to sleep the night.. ex didn't help as he just looked at me as if to say 'yeah let me sleep on the sofa' but I just said 'it's okay daddy doesn't live here remember'.. would have helped if ex had also reasured but he didn't.. secretly think he enjoyed making me feel bad as I had originally kicked him out.

my son has a bf at school whose dad also lives 'in another house' so he doesn't really notice much I think.

[mum2bubba]

Your son sounds really sweet,

I was just speaking to my eldest daughter before and she told me she doesn't like when we yell at each other and we need to stop. I know she is right. I hate the fact that this has happened in front of the kids and they will probably remember it all.

I just want things to go smoothly. He is the one being difficult and an @rsehole by not wanting to see his own kids. My parents divorced when I was 5 or 6 and they still spoke to each other, they put their differences aside for my sister and I.

He said it'd be my issue because I am the one that decided to leave. I asked him how he could do that to his own kids, how he could just say he wouldn't see them and he said "that's your own fault, you're the one wanting to leave"

[Edweena]

How do you cope? I mean, if/when your child(ren) ask about their father what do you tell them?
I try to be honest as I can but erred on the side of kindness because I don't want the kids to have prejudice hatred. They will find out in time

Are your kids always sad, blaming themselves for your breakup?
No in fact I think we are all much more happier and loving now. I don't think they blame themselves and I've reassured them it had nothing to do with them but you never know with kids