How to you manage visits with small kids?

[murrythecat]

my 3 are quite young still.. I have a 7 month old, 2 year old and 5 year old.

The 5 year old isn't a problem.. but the other two are still too young for ex to take out anywhere really.. other than the park. My 2 year old frequently runs away etc.. so is a real handful and when you have all 3 out anywhere it's a bit of a nightmare which he's not used to. He knows this so I'm letting him visit them at my place once during the week and once on the weekend..

my problem is I don't really like him at my house when I'm not there (I tend to go out when he visits so we don't have to see each other).. he is a liar and very sneaky so always think he's going through my things, looking at my money/accounts etc.. doing things to my toothbrush etc.. basically I don't trust him not to be nasty. How do you manage when you've young kids? he doesn't have a place to take them to (he is only just getting a car but doesn't have car seats and he shares a flat with 2 other men so it's not possible to take them there).. any ideas?

we're having trouble establishing visiting days as well.. at the moment I suggested one day during the week and one on weekends.. we were being pleasant but then had a huge row we basically came about because he was around too much on days that weren't his visiting days. he does strange hours and travels with work so it's hard for him to pick one day.. so it's a pain. he wants to take our son to karate on a wed so I suggested that be 'his' day and would end with karate so my son would get an understanding of the structure of the day ending with a lesson then daddy leaves etc.. might help.

he was supposed to visit them today and I had made plans to go out.. but when i checked to see if he was coming and what time he wouldn't reply.. finally I had to email and txt that if he didn't let me know by 9am I would have to make other plans with the kids.. he finally emailed to say he didn't want to visit as he didn't want tension around the kids and I should get somebody else to baby sit..

I was planning to not be around anyway so there wouldn't be tention.. he's not really getting this visiting thing either.. he keeps throwing it in my face saying he's helping out with the kids etc.. but I keep saying 'they are you're kids! you're visiting them not helping me babysit'?

any advice?

[Benji]

I did this for a long, long time. My boy was under 2 when I left his useless father and his dad hated the nappy changes etc and didn't have a car-seat or anything for DS.

I spent months driving to and from his house, having to spend a very uncomfortable day with him.

In the end I simply gave up. Told him he is NOT to have contact with DS until he has a safe carseat, a bed and looks after him properly.

It's not worth it for young children.

DO NOT let this man in your house!!!! My ex was allowed in my house, but he started to work out what things of value I had (sentimentally I mean) and he actually broke in and stole quite a few things, including all of my photos of me and DS :(:(:(

It's just not worth it :no:

[Maia]

Deleted.

[kezzaskids]

If your ex wants to see his children then he needs to make the arangements to see them, you are not his caretaker. He needs to buys seats and organise the kids when they are with him or he cant see them. Go to relationships australia or anglicare and arrange some supervised visits at a parenting centre so he isnt in your home.

[sweetseven]

A MacDonalds playground is a free secure option. A play centre like lollipops is also secure but not free.

I believe him visiting him in their own environment is preferrable if it works. But if you cannot trust him with your things, then it cannot really work. Unfortunately, my ex disagrees with seein the children in their own environment and takes the attitude that he doesn't want to enter my house because it makes him feel uncomfortable.

[Bubmum]

He has the mindset that he is doing you a favour, not seeing his kids. I really can never contemplate this one. Men need to feel complimented/appreciated on everything they do..hero complex.
DD's FOB would spend a lot of time with her, but it was always at mine, and he would always come with his washing in tow, watch my Foxtel, and expect to be fed and watered (Oh, and I had to pick him up and drop him home as well).
He would be on the phone, and it would never be"I am visiting my daughter", it would be "I am helping out x with y." ??????

[Amara]

I have my ex come to my place and I stay. It works pretty well. He also has a daughter and he brings her with him when he has her and we have outings together. When we are not getting on well as in when he has a girlfriend and doesnt have so much time for him he comes for short visits. We cant do the weekend thing as he cant take him where he lives and works rotating shifts. Basically its constantly changing yet works pretty well.

[murrythecat]

I don't want him in the house..so think I will put my foot down.. he actually started to eat my food in the fridge etc.. and I had to put a stop to that and is ****ed me off too much. he just rolled his eyes when I told him about that.. he said 'oh here's the $2 for the food I ate' and stuff like that which annoyed me even more.. he understands he can't do that now.

He gave me some cash towards a bill.. then I got some take away for the kids he was still there.. I felt akward so offered to buy him something as well.. you guessed it .. he had no cash on him now as he gave it all to me.. so I had to buy it with the money he just gave me! was annoyed but just sucked it up.. learnt my lesson there!

I don't mind him taking the 2 year old and 5 year old out.. but I'm nervous about him taking the baby.. only because he's a bit dopey and 3 are a real handful when they are together you have to be really switched on and he's not used to it. I doubt he'll take the baby for a while on his trips out though.. perhaps just the two once he gets his car and seats organised.

honestly though.. our conversation via email (he won't talk to me over the phone) went like this;

me; are you coming today to see the kids if so what time?
him; i don't think i'll come
me; so you don't want to see the kids at all today??
him; i'll take them out for lunch
me; okay.. so what time??
him; 2.30pm
me; what? so no lunch then? what do you want to do with them so i can tell them?
him.. no response.

he's making it very very hard and is really annoying me now (guess that's his plan) - i told him I want a set time he can see them once during the week (one evening) and once on the weekend (perhaps a morning or afternoon?) and threw some suggestions his way but he's not giving me much to work with!

how often do your ex's see their kids?

[Maia]

Honestly having it all done through email is not neccesairly a bad thing. Yeah it isnt the greatest for building a working relationship but this way you have a written record of the times that he is and isnt taking his children and the times you have made them available to him. So should it get messy later you have that there.

FOB has a access based on a staged approach, I will pm you in detail :)

[~Candy~]

Before he got his own flat, he lived with other blokes in an unchild friendly house, so he came here to see the kids while I went and stayed at mum's. I could trust him to a certain point but he's very PC smart and he'd go through everything to see what I have been doing/saying. He'd also eat my food, use my washing machine, washing powder and anything else he needed without offering any money in return.

I eventually put a stop to it and told him if he wanted to have the kids he needed to get his own place so they could go there. I still have to wash all the kids dirty clothes from the w/ends he has them though :mad:

[sweetseven]

Early on, my XH wanted to take the eldest two out and leave the little ones behind. Little children were too much trouble so he wanted to wait until they grew up before spending time with them.

I was insistent that it wasn't fair, and after two years went with a "take one, take all" majority situation - of course there were special occasions where that wasn't appropriate.