Empowerment

[Edweena]

Maybe because I'm older this time around but I find it sad that some single mothers are looking for validation through men's affections and words.
Why aren't we giving this to ourselves? Are we buliding ourselves up so we are better people for a perfect relationship which may be just around the corner comes to us?
What do you do to empower yourself as a person?

[Super Trooper]

maybe some of us are already happy, confident, independent, empowered women who are ready to embrace that special someone who has just walked around the corner??

i find it sad that some women are so bitter and jaded and cant be happy for others.

[Edweena]

I don't understand. Has this post offended you in some way?

It was in no way written with that intention.

[Super Trooper]

Maybe because I'm older this time around but I find it sad that some single mothers are looking for validation through men's affections and words.
Why aren't we giving this to ourselves? Are we buliding ourselves up so we are better people for a perfect relationship which may be just around the corner comes to us?
What do you do to empower yourself as a person?

yeah i do find it offensive that you seem to think that single mothers who enjoy mens affections must be trying to validate themselves.

what do i do to empower myself? I do the best that i can for my daughter, I study at university to improve my future, i work to support myself, i have bought a house all on my own, and i surround myself with good, positive people for support, friendship and fun.

my life is fantastic, i just also happen to enjoy dating and find it exciting... and hopefully it will lead to more at some point in the future. does that mean i am looking for validation??

[OneBabyBoy]

I understand what you mean Edweena. The last few months I have been reflecting back on my life (not sure why) and I have realised that the calmest, happiest, most peaceful times of my life have been the single/not-dating times.

I am 'building myself up to be a better person' but not for a relationship - just for myself and my son.

I probably see my career as a way to empower myself. It helps me feel like 'me', enriches many parts of my life - financial, social (friendships wise), adult interaction etc. It also stops the isolation I had as a single sahm.

[Edweena]

You seem to have a personal issue with me for some reason and you may want to drop it or move it to a private conversation.

Being a uni student you should know that you may not miss quote me by add bold txt to what I write.

I suppose do you have an issue with me which would make you read my post like that ( I will be super careful next time I start a post) however I was not talking about everyone I was talking about some.

I was not talking about enjoying a man's company or affection.
I was merely trying to inspire people to take a look at what they are not happy about in there life and how can we take charge and change what we don't like.

I don't think myself above anyone rather in a different place because of what I have already gone through in my life's journey and have yet to go through.

[lilizzysmommy]

I agree with you edweena. Even though I'm in a new relationship SOME of us young people (I'm 25) Do tend to validate ourselves with what men think of us. I was one of those until i realised that I am the only one who can make me happy. we gotta be happy and confident with ourselves in order for some else to make us happy.

[flitter]

I thought i would read some interesting replies to this one but, it seems a little narky.
I have just separated from an abusive relationship it was more mentally abusive than anything else, I am in the stage of remorse and trying to get out of the blaming myself phase... and realise what I was like before i met him and what i became while i was with him. In the meantime custody and mediation is about to take place. I need to empower myself somehow because i was left totally drained , put down and felt completely worthless I then empowered myself (rather angrily i must add) by reminding myself that i was the one that put in all the hard work I was the one that put a roof over our heads etc only to have him use me and not contribute and leave me in more of a mess because of drinkng and gambling and blaming me. I was always a SAHM and now i am a SSAHM. I realise I am in no fit state for a man to come into my life although affection and appreciation from a man rather than my children would be refreshing...all good things come to those who wait and work it out first I guess. Soon I will be able to empower myself rather than get angryand confused about past wrongs. I cannot let go of it yet because I need to relive it for my solicitor.

[Freya]

I understand what you are saying and I agree.

After two abusive relationships and years of wanting/needing validation from males, I have now come to place where I feel very empowered. I feel strong, independent, happy and that is without a man. I love being single, I love being free, I could be in a relationship now but I would rather focus on me and doing the things I want that will benefit myself and my children. I have also found that since beginning to feel this way more males have been attracted to me but I really don't give two hoots (which feels amazing!). I want to stay this way until a man comes into my life offering love and commitment without the dramas who can stand by my side and be my equal whereas if I was to go searching for someone to love me, to validate me it would not be equal and would end up being the beginning of another emotional roller-coaster and leaving me once again insecure and unhappy. So no thanks! Besides, I am too busy for a relationship now.. I think it would only hold me back.

[Larski]

I do know what you are saying Edweena but I can also understand why others might bristle at the way you have said it. Personally I think it is sad that some WOMEN need the attention and approval of a man to validate themselves. This is not specific to single mothers, nor is it even specific to single women. I know plenty of married women who define themselves and their self worth through their husbands identity.

[Veritas]

I totally understand what you mean, and I'm not sure why some came in on the back foot to start with, as I certainly didn't read it as intending to be offensive, but rather a reminder that we don't need to seek validation of self anywhere other than within....

I totally agree with you also..... for me DD is the utmost important thing in my life, not just in theory but also in deed..... second to that comes my studies and my "me time"..... for now at least, I am certainly not out on the hunt for a life partner, besides the fact I just don't have the time nor energy to commit to that, and whilst it would be nice to have someone to share my life with, it doesn't make my life or worth any less that I don't have someone other than my DD beside me.....

I do understand that relationships, connections etc happen, but I also get what Edweena is saying, in that some people seem to feel their life is meaningless and worth nothing without a partner to share it with.....

I have seen, in my own family, both my mother and cousin, push their own family aside in an effort to seek the approval of a man, and their children have suffered immensely for it..... not saying this is the case in every repartnering, etc, but just sharing my experience..... that sometimes rather than seeking to build and bolster one's self in an effort to be content with one's life, some people search for that happiness in places that are never going to give them lifelong unconditional contentment....and meanwhile other important aspects of their life suffer.....

You have to be happy within yourself, before you can expect to be happy with someone else....Your worth as a person is not defined by your marital status.....

[Edweena]

Hi Larski, this is a single parent forum that is why I am putting the question to single mum. You are right though, I see alot of partnered mum and I will not now put up with the things they will and I might have when I was married.

Your replies have inspired me Its so lovely to hear women say what you are all saying.

[Bubmum]

Edweena..Larski is a single parent herself....
I know what you mean, and you are probably just sharing a mental epiphany...
I have no problem with women dating, and having a life..it is when they do it to the absolute detriment of their children, that they need to have a long, good, hard look at themselves (and men do this as well)..
No one will love you as much as your children, no one will need you as much as your children. I know there needs to be a balance, and single parents do not deserve to be locked away at home...but when you are constantly putting your needs ahead of your children's needs, that really bugs me.
I have had a lot of single friends, and family, in the last 12 months, who have cast their children in the role of irritating burden, simply because they want to go live the life of a single person. Live the life of a single parent..a person with love and self respect, who will not settle for second best, because they and their kids deserve the cream of the crop (that is a corny way to put it, but I am really tired).

[MummyDaddy]

Maybe because I'm older this time around but I find it sad that some single mothers are looking for validation through men's affections and words.

I agree and I also find it sad.

Why aren't we giving this to ourselves?

Because society brainwashes into behaving this way. It's in music, on television, we see it as children and grow up with it.

Are we buliding ourselves up so we are better people for a perfect relationship which may be just around the corner comes to us?

I don't think so. I find people are usually stuck in their own situation and feel helpless to change that. They seek out a man to validate their existence as if we are nothing without a man.

I on the other hand have tried extremely hard to not do this, so much so that I have been single BY CHOICE for over 2 years. I've had plenty of offers, but none of them have been right. They might have earned good money, looked good, driven the right car, but one red flag and for me that spelled NO. That's because I know I deserve better.

What do you do to empower yourself as a person?

I do one activity a week that is purely for me. That's my personal training session.

I pray every night and thank the universe for all my blessings.

I have spritual healings.

I used to see a Psychologist and worked very hard on changing my mindset and the things about me that put me in the situation I ended up in (which I wouldn't change for the world by the way - as awful as it was to live through).

I tell myself that i'm brave and beautiful and strong and I deserve only the best life has to offer.

So far things are going great.