Attack of the mummy guilt!

[flicker]

I have a serious case of mummy guilt at the moment.

I have decided to send ds (2years) to day care one day a week. My reason being that he is becoming super reliant on me. so much so when we are at play group he wants ''mummy too'' to sit right next to him with the other kids. Sweet, but yeah.

I want to send him to help his

socialisation
ability to leave mummy
language growth

i do have the aim that once he is settled to look for work for that one day when he goes. I work from home one day a week too but i am around.

I have been lucky enough to stay home with him. We can manage just but it is not easy and we give up a lot of luxuries. i understand that most people need to go back to work.

why do i feel guilty and a failed mummy doing this? It is for his good but somehow it seems that I am not good enough to be a mummy full time. Does anybody else feel like this?

[*Chels*]

Dont feel guilty!!!
I put my DS1 in kindy at 20 months for the same reasons as you.He started of 2 days,then moved to 3 about a year later.Now hes 4,still at same centre,will be until he goes to school.
I work parttime too,but my DH works nightshift so can look after him too.
Sooo why feel guilty?It will be good for him,and its good for you.:D

[flicker]

thanks chels. My brain says that this is good. but i just cant shake the feeling.
did you notice it help your ds?

[jacstar31]

Hi flicker
i have a 3 yo boy and 21 mth old girl and they have just started day care this week for one day. i work full time and my DH is home full time with the kids. he also has his own business and works as a naturopath, so we have decided that the kids would go in for one full day and he will also work after hours and w/ends. anyway - the first day on tuesday they both had such a fabulous time!! i think they both had withdrawals on wed/thurs and we have now decided to have them in care half day on fridays as well. i picked them up tonight and they could not be happier!!!
it is GREAT for their socialisation and language development....don't worry and don't feel guilty!!!:)

[*Chels*]

[text deleted by moderator]

My DS is shy,he took awhile to adjust to kindy.Yes,alot of the time I felt guilty,and would pick him up after a couple of hours coz I missed him.
BUT I seriously do not think giving them a day in childcare is a BAD thing!!!
Its socialises them,they learn so much in a day,they make friends,have fun.
It only benefited my son,I have no complaints or regrets.
I will be putting my DS2 into kindy around the same age too

[bubbies4me]

DD goes to day care and has done since she was 7 weeks old. DH works for anywhere up to 14 hours a day and its hard on me. she goes and always seems happy and the girls say she never cries (she doesnt at home either).

I think what you are doing is a good thing. It might take a bit to get used to it for both of you but in the end it will be fine. Enjoy your mummy time.

[flicker]

Jacstar- I am so glad it is working for you so well. Thanks.

livsmummy- thanks too. I will be looking for more work so i am not sure how much mummy time i will get! lol.

chels- thanks for sticking up for me. It is a beautiful centre, I really researched hard to find one that I just loved and was suited to him

[*Chels*]

You go Flicker!!!:yelclap:
You are sooo right.There is a HUGE difference between 18 months and 2 years.I found (by going to kindy) that at 2,my DS could speak in sentences,we could have a conversation.So if something was happening at kindy he was unhappy with he could tell me.
If you have researched it,and get a good feeling from the centre then go ahead!!!
I am so lucky,my centre is so awesome and I have never had a problem I have had to address with them.
I wish you all the best,I am sure your child will have a grand old time at kindy and you will enjoy a much deserved break!
Call me selfish but I loved having a day to actually get stuff done round the house,and heaven forbid-enjoy a coffee and reading a good book in peace:laughing:

[me+he=3]

Good for your Flicker!! :yelclap::yelclap::yelclap:

I put my DD in daycare one day a week for exactly the same reason too. And I think she was about 18 months (she's 3 now). She never socialised with other kids and was only ok with me there. At first she was a bit teary when I left but then was ok.

Now is a completely different story...she goes 2 days a week and absolutely loves it. She has her little friends now and talks about them constantly throughout the week. She's completely come out of her shell now too.

Also as a sidenote, You end up loving that one day you have to yourself.

So ignore unhelpful comments and do it, IMO. Best of luck...sure it'll turn out to be a great decision (for both of you).

[flicker]

thanks chels:hugs: you made me feel so much better.
i work a lot from home and have been juggling so much for such a long time, i have to keep positive and look it as a good thing for both of us and not a failure. I am tired, so i am sure once we are settled it will be fine. change. ho hum. I will be careful of posting on this site in the future. I had no idea someone that i did not know could effect me so much. for good and for bad!

[flicker]

oh that is great maddys mum! thanks so much for sharing. so good she is loving it!

[flicker]

maddysmum- did you start her before you had ds? we are ttc, so i also did not want to have him start around having a baby coming along. how did you time it?

[ladybugblue84]

My little girl has been in daycare for about 5 months & she's a shy clingy one. I won't lie to you but she still hasn't fully adjusted to daycare yet but I think it has a lot to do with her only going one day a week. But I was just soooo guilty about sending her & still am a little & didn't want to up her days cause it scared me having my baby at daycare so much. I work Monday-Wednesday but her dad picks her up the days she not at daycare. I just liked the idea of daycare as it gave me some independence if FOB decided he didn't want to pick her up or if he got a job (as if) & I think it offers some things that can't be learnt in a home environment & I thought it could be of benefit to her to socialise.

I have upped her days to 2 & I really think she's getting used to it now (as am I). I think it's something you both need to get used too parent & child. So don't feel guilty at all!!!

I wonder if now she's in 2 days I'll see a change in her shyness? Wonder if you will see a change in your DS?

Good luck!!!!

[*Chels*]

Yeah I think 2 consecutive days is the way to go.:thumbsup:

[me+he=3]

Hmmm give me a minute to think about this one - I know DD had well and truly started going before DS just can't think for how long.

K well Madeleine was 2 and a half when Oliver was born (can't keep up with this DD and DS malarkey) and she started daycare at about 18 months.

It actually worked to our advantage because she was more ready to be around another child by the time Oliver came along.

Hope that helps...feel free to throw any more questions at me. ;)

[*Chels*]

maddysmum- did you start her before you had ds? we are ttc, so i also did not want to have him start around having a baby coming along. how did you time it?

Just wanted to say that I started DS1 at around 20 months,and he was 27 months when we got pg with DS2 and I upped his days to 3.
I was soooo tired and just couldnt deal with him LOL.All I wanted to do was sleep so thought it was better to send him to kindy where he could go wild and actually learn something!!Has been doing 3 days ever since,and it was good to have some time alone with baby,which is fair enough as DS1 had all the time in the world with us when he was a baby!

[me+he=3]

:iagree: Yep, what she said!!

[flicker]

ladybug- thanks for telling me about your experience. Good luck with the two days. It is good to know i am not alone in the guilt department. I sometime wish i had a looking glass 6 month down the track. it.will.be.ok.just.relax! lol. we will have to update how it all goes!

maddysmum- good point! i did not even think of that! i hope that works for us too. I dont want to suddenly send him to pre school at 3, and then have him adjust to new baby + no mummy on one day.

chels- that is great. i know what a sick pregnant person i am. he will probably be so glad to have some fun without a hormonal mummy lying on the couch! (well hopefully!)

[melbryan]

I have been at work for 1 week only 2 days I started my 26mth old in childcare he has enjoyed himself and has already cottoned onto the routines. I chose to send him 1 day a week to get him trusting others, his brother is also at the childcare in another room. I think he enjoys doing different things I could not possibly do at home. He is a diabetic so have always wanted him to partake in everything my other kids have done. He is a very active, boy, full of beans you might say, he doesn't cry for me he goes about his business playing and partaking in the different activities on offer.
You know your own child and know what they need. Ds1 and Ds3 have dived into preschool head first but DS2 was a shy quiet little boy but when he gets used to people he is fine and now enjoys going. It really depends on the child.
You will hear many times childcare for 2 yr olds is not good do what you feel is right I have and have no regrets. Mummy guilt is real and it does go just be confident you know what is best for your child and you will make the right decision.

[mum2bubba]

I have Skye (2 and a half) and Nathan (almost 7 months) in occasional care for 3 hours every Thursday morning. I don't feel guilty. I welcome the break.

[flicker]

thanks guys.

i noticed someone deleted a post

[KatiesMum]

I deleted some posts from this thread which were unhelpful and unsupportive.

Please note - the OP has not ask for opinions on whether or not she should send her child to daycare .... just how to cope with the 'Mummy guilt' factor.

[ladybugblue84]

I have Skye (2 and a half) and Nathan (almost 7 months) in occasional care for 3 hours every Thursday morning. I don't feel guilty. I welcome the break.

what's occassional care? I've never heard of it.

[WorkingClassMum]

what's occassional care? I've never heard of it.

some CC centre's and community houses have a casual cc available - hence 'occassional' care

So if you need CC for say a funeral, Dr's appointment etc

[ladybugblue84]

some CC centre's and community houses have a casual cc available - hence 'occassional' care

So if you need CC for say a funeral, Dr's appointment etc

Cheers :)

[flicker]

Thanks Katies mum, exactly what i asked. I am definatly not here for that debate!

[WorkingClassMum]

Flicker - being the mum of younger children is so often heart rendering - whether you are returning to work, having more kids, are sick - what ever comes between you and your child - it hurts.

My kids are older now, but the years of CC - especially while they were so helpless as babes - was so guilt-wraking it made me feel less of a mum, especially when other's judge negatively when you are trying so hard to do what you feel is right.

My kids are happy confident children that had more experiences that I could have provided with the home. There was arts n crafts I never thought of, books that we didn't have at home, incursions like music, dance, tennis, police, firebrigade, nurses, etc, there was different foods introduced, other trained CC workers who evaluated my childs progress, water play, a huge sandpit, toys etc etc

I was the one who felt the hurt - my kids lapped up the loving attention of the CC workers, they made freinds, had arguments, were TT'd etc etc - my kids thrived.

Your Mummy guilt is a measure of your love and attachement - and if you didn't have a pang or two - then there may be a problem.

My hurt was weghed up against all the things I saw as a positive.

yes, I missed some things - like DS learning to tie his shoelaces for the first time - but that didn't lessen his sense of achievement - he got a certificate and they all clapped and he felt a million dollars that day

Your kids will tug and tug at your heartstrings until the day your die -that's what being a mummy is all about. :hugs:

Your intentions of CC and your hurt is because you are placing your childs best interests at the foremost - and that's because you love your child the best.

(Not everyone feels this way -and that is their perogative.)

[xxchloexx]

I had gotten DS into daycare at a couple months old like once a week cause at the time i was a single mum and that was my only time out i got! then i got a full time job and i got my partner and he was going 5 days a week. now im expecting my 2nd child and i only send him 3 days a week, lol and i felt bad taking out of taking for 2 days cause he loves it SO much. but im so enjoying being able to spend more time with him before the baby comes. He is enjoying his time with mummy aswell! he just keeps asking why we got all this new baby stuff..lol

[ThisIsLiving]

There's always going to be a degree of "mummy guilt" with various decisions regarding your child, from the time your child is conceived.

I am struggling with my mummy guilt over my decision to enrol (or not enrol) DD into dance classes, because money is a bit tight at the moment (and these things aren't cheap)...but she is begging to go! :( And I never got the chance to do any dancing, so I don't want to deprive her of that...but what do you do! Oh Mummy guilt!

Anyway sorry for the bit of a diversion, but just wanted you to know that this is one of the many many many guilt trips you will no doubt face as a Mother.

I really wish us Mummies didn't feel so guilty. But it happens. Alot.

Make your decision based on what feels right for you and your child, and the rest will fall into place. After a few weeks at childcare, you will all settle into your new routine and you will probably wonder why you were feeling so badly.

Wishing you all the best. :flowerz:

[flicker]

workingclassmum- you are so kind. Thank you for your beautiful words. After a battering in another post (that felt too close to my post) you brought tears to my eyes in a good way!

thisisliving- you are right. i think every step there is guilt about something. i just thought by two the guilt would get easier! ah well i suppose i better get used to dealing with it for the long haul! lol

chloe- thanks and good luck with the new baby:)


this is the right decision for us. i was upset by another thread, so much that it made me stronger in my decision.