View Full Version : My baby is hurting.... and I can't help him :(
Ollie has made a friend at school. A little boy in his class named Digger.
All afternoon it's "Digger this, me and Digger that. Digger can read my name, I can read Digger's name"...
And Ollie is just LOVING school...
And then my poor little J..... :crying:
He's always been so dependent on O for friendship. They've always been together. He's always had O.
He hasn't made any friends in his class yet. And I know that's normal for day 3 of school..... but it's such a foreign thing for Jordan! He's ALWAYS had Ollie.... and now Ollie has Digger, and Jordan has no one.... :gloomy:
And it just makes my heart break. He's so deflated... and while he likes his teacher, and he's making some nice craft things... I think it's really really hitting him hard that he doesn't have a friend and O does. And now he doesn't have O either.
Of course O's excited... he can't help being excited that he has a friend to sit with in class, and play with and read with and do puzzles with... and he's just bubbling with it, which is great. And he is loving not having Jord all over him all the time.
But my poor little J. I know that all kids take time to make friends when they start school... but not all kids have to go through this heart wrenching separation and rejection from the person who's been closest to them their whole life... at the same time.
I don't know what I can do to help him through it. I just want to cuddle up to him and cry and cry and cry for my baby who's so lonely right now.
:crying::crying:
:hugs:
I'm sure he'll make a friend in time, but I'd be really upset as well. Loneliness is the most horrible feeling.
There's something about our children suffering socially that is just awful. Sometimes even on par with physical suffering.
MummaBear03
02-02-2010, 23:19
Aww, poor little man! That must be so tough. DD has little twins in her class and she's friends with one but not the other, but the mother said if she wants to be friends with one she has to be friends with the other because of this same thing. One made friends and the other didn't. I felt so bad for the one that didn't make friends, and also felt bad for the one that did because he felt bad that his brother had not made a friend, and also for DD for feeling pressured into being friends with a child she didn't particularly like to save her friendship with the one she did like.
By the end of week 3, though, the other little twin had made friends of his own and DD was free to play with one without having to be friends with the other.
I think it must be hard for them when they've had each other from the womb to school. I can't imagine how hard it must be! And I can't imagine how hard it would be for you as the mother to watch and be so happy for one and so sad for the other.
Here's hoping your little J finds a little friend in the coming days!
Oh, I just noticed this was in the multiple births section.:o
Sorry, I have nothing useful to add about twins, but I've had some pretty socially awkward periods in my life, so i thought I'd throw in my two cents.:o
I would never want anyone to 'have to' be friends with either one... they are SOOOOOO different.
And I'm so happy for Ollie because he has made a friend that he can have fun with, without this person being all over him like a blanket all the time (which, I love Jord.... but he is!)
Ollie has said to Jord, "You just need to go up to someone in your class and say "Hi I'm Jordan, what's your name? That's what I did I said "Hi I'm Ollie what's your name. And he said Digger. And now we're best friends!"
And Jord just says that there is no one in his class that is friendly.
I know that they all play together at lunch... but I would love Jord to experience what Ollie is feeling, in having a friend all to himself.
I'm thinking of maybe suggesting to the teacher that she could perhaps steer Jordan towards people in his class (through pair tasks or group things) that might fit with his personality type.
He's generally a really friendly kid, so I'm quite surprised he hasn't met anyone yet...he's always been the first to make friends with someone.
It's so hard being a twin mum sometimes. :(
aawww no!Not a twin Mum,but I can understand it must be hard for you both:hugs::hugs::hugs:
Oh, I just noticed this was in the multiple births section.:o
Sorry, I have nothing useful to add about twins, but I've had some pretty socially awkward periods in my life, so i thought I'd throw in my two cents.:o
:laughing: it's all cool. I'm kind of hoping for responses from everyone... just thought I'd stick it in here as it seemed the most topic connected section.
But please... reply away :p
sunflowermummy
02-02-2010, 23:33
My 2 are yet to start school, but I am assuming my 2 will have it easier being b/g twins and making new friends..even though they do real heavily on each other at daycare now..they are always playing together and often DS will tell me how someone said something to DD and it makes him mad etc...
I hope J gets to make some friends shortly and starts to accept that O has other friends now too....
I can totally understand the heartache.....cause DS got xmas cards from certain people at daycare and DD was soooo upset she didnt get any from them :( luckly DS told her she can share him :hugs:......
Mummabear - I personally would NEVER tell any child etc that they must be friends with both twins, to me, that is wrong and going to far in making decision for them...I am glad that they ended up making friends and your DD didnt have to suffer playing with someone she didnt like...What a lovely little girl you must have though, goes she is very caring towards hers friends to be friends with the twins sisters so she could keep her other friend...thats beautiful!
Did you separate them or are they in the same class?? sounds like they are in different classes going off what you have written...
Yeah, they're in different classes. They really needed to be split. If I had to put ice on one more black eye because of a fight...... :hair:
And O needed it.
sunflowermummy
02-02-2010, 23:45
I was just wondering thats all...was it a hard decision to separate them?? I plan on keeping mine together for the 1st year and see what happens...as so far, there is no reason to separate them ( no black eyes here..YET....LOL)..
Good on you for making that decision based on their personailities, not their twinness :hugs:
I might sound a bit mean,but maybe its good for O!
Yeah sure,it sux to be him right nw,but will give him the push to go and make some friends of his own?
Sounds like seperating them was a good thing to do,but there will of course be bumps in the road.
But still hard for you to watch.I still get upset when DS cries when I leave kindy (even tho hes been there for 3.5 years;))
I was just wondering thats all...was it a hard decision to separate them?? I plan on keeping mine together for the 1st year and see what happens...as so far, there is no reason to separate them ( no black eyes here..YET....LOL)..
Good on you for making that decision based on their personailities, not their twinness :hugs:
It was REALLY hard. I cried, I stressed, I threw up, I cried some more. It took months to decide.
If we had stayed in Brisbane I would have kept them toegether, because they would have already had the friends from preschool transitioning with them to school... they already had that friend thing sorted.
But then we moved rural.. and they've had no friends except each other for 8 months. And honestly, the fighting was getting ridiculous. They were sick to death of the sight of each other.
I talked to 3 different principals. One would only have a prep class of 5 (including O and J).. the other was not keen on separating them AT ALL... even having them sitting on separate sides of a table... and the third was open to whatever I wanted.
In the end I decided they needed some space. Especially O... he needs more space than J. So I drive past 4 schools to take them to one that has 2 Prep classes.
And O is thriving. Love love loving it. He's sooooo happy.
But J... :( I know he'll find his way, it's just hard for him right now.
sunflowermummy
03-02-2010, 00:01
I might sound a bit mean,but maybe its good for O!
Yeah sure,it sux to be him right nw,but will give him the push to go and make some friends of his own?
Sounds like seperating them was a good thing to do,but there will of course be bumps in the road.
But still hard for you to watch.I still get upset when DS cries when I leave kindy (even tho hes been there for 3.5 years;))
My DS still cries (now starting back at daycare) when I leave him at daycare...the first day back, I was holding the tears back til I got to the car, but the admin lady asked If I was crying and it got me going..LOL!! this is going into their 3rd LOL!!
Kids and the emotions they bring out in us LOL
I don't have twins but I just thought of a suggestion that might be worth mentioning.
Could you consider asking J's teacher if there is a possibility that they can buddy him with someone in the class? Often this can help until the child feels more comfortable and starts to see what others are like before they make friends and move on to their own groups.
if you explained the situation there may be a way where he can have someone that he seems to get on with OK in class situations to buddy with him. there can be ways to do this without it being obvious to all kids (maybe another child in a similar situation socially, who also hasn't really got any friends in the class yet either). Or it can be used as a lesson to the class about twins, and just made to be a thing, that since he's a twin and always has a buddy, it's a good idea for him to have a class buddy too :)
aylaah- I'm going to suggest it tomorrow.
Personally I think all kids should get a buddy while they settle in at school.
I agree!
I know my daughter started a new school this year (she's in year 3, NSW) and was paired up with someone - all in a very unofficial way. I remember kindergarten for both of them was the same. While they had an official buddy in year 6 they also watched out for any clicking of kids and tried to pair them up as much as possible to encourage friendships, by seating them together, putting them in the same groups for activities and things like that.
They also had buddies in class for specific activities (going to the loo/canteen/office/etc) that they were encouraged to keep up.
Anyway I think it might help, some kids need to be pushed a bit more than others into new relationships, my son is like that, the daughter isn't, lol.
MummaBear03
03-02-2010, 00:20
DD's school had a buddy system in place where they paired up 2 Prep kids and each child had a Year 5 buddy to help them out around the school as well. The Year 1 children each have a buddy in year 6 and the year 2 children have a buddy in Year 7. Years 3 and 4 don't get buddies outside their own classes for some reason. But with each class they have a buddy and from Year 1 onwards they have 4 desks grouped together and they do group work with the kids in their group, and sometimes they do "large group" work with 2 sets of desks together. In Prep the teacher did small group tasks and large group tasks, but not as structured as Year 1. She'd have a group of 4 children together for small group things such as painting a poster, and 7 or 8 kids together in groups for bigger activities. I don't know why all teachers don't do that with the younger kids at the start of each year to encourage them to be inclusive and meet children they wouldn't normally be connected with.
I didn't get a chance to talk to the teacher this morning. But I did try and spend some special time with J before school, with him helping me make lunches and stuff.
He likes school... he just isn't used to this 'being alone' thing.
I know he'll make friends eventually.... but I will talk to the teacher.
I think what makes it hard is that teachers don't really recognise the emotional attachment twins have to each other. I think that once a twin is separated they just treat them like any other single kid. However, twins have this whole emotional attachment to their sibling and the separation anxiety and the emotions that go with that when they're separated, other single kids don't have to deal with that... :no:
(And please don't jump on me for saying that because you're a teacher.... I'm a teacher too! I just have extra insight being a twin Mum and doing postgrad research in the 'multiples in education' area)
I think what makes it hard is that teachers don't really recognise the emotional attachment twins have to each other. I think that once a twin is separated they just treat them like any other single kid. However, twins have this whole emotional attachment to their sibling and the separation anxiety and the emotions that go with that when they're separated, other single kids don't have to deal with that... :no:
Your first post made me tear up!!
The emotional attachment is something I'm not lookikng forward to "breaking" (for want of a better word) either. I can totally relate (well.. empathise at this stage, boys are still way to young for school!) to them being attached at the hip yet sick of the sight of each other.
If one wakes up before the other one, I have to lock him in the lounge with the baby gate, otherwise they end up in the bedroom waking the other one up by talking to him and patting him. But as soon as they're both awake, they're usually at each other! (biting atm, scars of teeth marks everywhere! :hair:)
I hope you're not doubting yourself that you made the right decision. 50% of the boys are happy already after only 3 days, it won't take long for J to catch up!
:hugs: :hugs:
Mathermy
03-02-2010, 12:04
Oh gosh! :(:crying:
I don't have any advice, just empathy and a big bug hug :hugs::hugs:
I really hope he makes a friend soon :fingerscrossed:
I don't doubt my decision. I know they had to be split. I just wish it wasn't so hard on Jord. :(
And I wish the teacher understood a bit more about twin relationships.
I think that multiples in schools should be at least covered during an education degree, considering that almost 1 in 33 kids is part of a multiple group.
But it's not even mentioned!!
Teacher's don't know how hard the separation is on little people. :no:
:fingerscrossed: it doesn't take him long to make friends.
Mathermy
03-02-2010, 12:11
I don't doubt my decision. I know they had to be split. I just wish it wasn't so hard on Jord. :(
And I wish the teacher understood a bit more about twin relationships.
I think that multiples in schools should be at least covered during an education degree, considering that almost 1 in 33 kids is part of a multiple group.
But it's not even mentioned!!
Teacher's don't know how hard the separation is on little people. :no:
:fingerscrossed: it doesn't take him long to make friends.
OJ would you feel comfortable having an interview with the teacher and explaining how you feel, perhaps offering some copied info for her?
I'm sure that there are lots of different special needs that children have that teachers haven't been specifically trained to deal with, if I was a teacher I would imagine I would appreciate anything that could make my day easier and enable more successful outcomes for the children in my class.
delirium
03-02-2010, 12:15
That almost brought a tear to my eye reading that. But as someone else said, maybe this could be a good thing for Jordan. I'm sure he will make friends soon and will able to have his own friendships, as will Ollie.
I feel for you. My DD is at school this year and It has been sad and I miss her so much. You have 2 to miss and are worrying about one being lonely.
I also agree with getting a buddy. At DD's school they get a year 6 buddy and for the first week they spend the lunch and recess periods with them. DD is a social butterfly anyway, and she knows some kids from her pre school. But it has been nice as this girl has helped her buy from the canteen, taken her to the toilet and kind of been a big sister.
Hang in there hun. J will find a mate and settle in soon enough :hugs:
oh hoping today was a little better for J.
We are expriencing something similar, but I think most parents would be wondering if their child has made friends yet...I think the problem is we have an immediate comparison.
Both H & M are very happy, happy to go to school, excited but when I ask them what they did at lunch...Hunter seems to have found some older kids to play basketball with etc and I don't really get a response from Matilda. The teacher mentioned she had a few tears on the first day at lunch because she could not find anyone to play with - this past quickly and she soon went off playing.
Not really concerned at this stage (although sad, my little girl is wondering the playground alone), teacher has sad Matilda next to a little girl today, so hopefully they will become friends. Hunter does not seem to have a problem!
I think the playground and making friends is the hardest part about kindy!!!
Peppa- definitely! It's a hard place to try and make friends!
I'm going to write the teacher a letter to give to her tomorrow just outlining that Jord's feeling a bit lost without Ollie, and maybe she could partner him up with a couple of kids in class.
He loves doing all the art and craft, and really likes his teacher. I think he's just feeling a bit sidelined.
We told him this morning to try and make a friend, to introduce himself to someone new because they could be shy too. .. so we'll see if there's any difference.
Meanwhile O thinks school is the most wonderful place on the planet.
I'm thinking of maybe suggesting to the teacher that she could perhaps steer Jordan towards people in his class (through pair tasks or group things) that might fit with his personality type.
This is what I was going to suggest :yes: The teacher should have an idea who to buddy him up with...he just needs a little help and I'm sure the other kids in the class are just as shy :)
Definatley have a chat to the teacher :)
aww that made me all teary reading your posts Gret. :hugs: for you and J.
No advice as I have no idea about multiples but hopefully the teacher will make note after reading your letter and helps him out a bit more.
Dannielle
03-02-2010, 19:33
Oh poor J. I feel so sad for him.
Luckily we didn't have that problem and our school has always been very aware of their possible separation issues. And they were aware they were coming as they were newborns when DD1 started. They even told me they spoke to one of the teachers that has the older kids that has grown up twins about them too before the Kindergarten Orientation. :)
DD3 was having some issues though and became too popular with the boys:laughing: and the teacher helped make sure she made some girl friends too.
I briefly got to meet their teachers for this year yesterday and one mentioned to me that she didn't realise they were twins until friday afternoon. But it's good to know that they make sure they know a bit about the kids.
What I was wondering though, does your school have the buddy system? Our school does and each Year 6 child and sometimes a few Year 5's are buddied up with one Kindergarten child. And what they have done is got their little buddy and their friends little buddies and orgainsed some fun games together in the playground. It helps the little ones meet each other and play together. DD1 said otherwise a lot of the time they just stand there either not knowing how to join in or not being able to find anyone in Kindergarten that they know as everyone is wearing the same thing. So, I was thinking even if they don't have buddies maybe they can get a few Year 5/6 boys to organise something?
hey
now i'm replying as someone who still doesn't know how to walk up to someone, introduce myself and come away with a friendship. i've never had the courage or knowledge to do that. plus i've always been so different from everyone in my grade.
that aside: without knowing J, i'm thinking what he might need is someone to approach him the way O was describing to him? definitely get help from the teacher, they need to be aware. but i've found that when someone approaches me i can usually forge some sort of friendship. without that, nooooo chance. maybe the teacher can facilitate that sort of thing, maybe there's someone else in the class who's having trouble finding a buddy who could be paired up?
it's really difficult though. even now, in my 20s and at tafe, the words 'group work' make my skin crawl. i have two big pair assessments this semester and i'm crossing my fingers that i'll be able to work on it with one of the i think 4 people in the class who i actually talk to. hugs to your poor boy
Dannielle
04-02-2010, 13:56
[QUOTE=empeg;4455206]that aside: without knowing J, i'm thinking what he might need is someone to approach him the way O was describing to him? definitely get help from the teacher, they need to be aware. but i've found that when someone approaches me i can usually forge some sort of friendship. without that, nooooo chance. maybe the teacher can facilitate that sort of thing, maybe there's someone else in the class who's having trouble finding a buddy who could be paired up?/QUOTE]
:yes: This is why the buddy system or just a few nice older kids that don't mind spending some of their time can really help. Especially if you have 2 little ones that don't like to approach other kids but the teachers feel they would get along well. That way neither of them have to do the hard bit and the big kids do all the work in getting them playing together.
I spoke to J's teacher this morning about sterring him towards people he could click with. She said that he always seems happy in class and is a great helper, he keeps himself busy.
I told her about Ollie's new friend and how Jord had been a bit deflated at home, so if she could just keep an eye on him during class and help him make some class friends.
She was very open :yes: So we'll see what happens.
Meanwhile.... It seems I now have triplets. :laughing: I met Digger (Ollie's friend) this morning, and because the boys are in separate rooms I read a book to them in one room first, and then the other room, and then say goodbye.
So this morning we read books in O's room..... me, O, J, G, J2... and Digger... And then we read books in J's room... me, O, J, G, J2....... and Digger. lmao :laughing:
Sweet kid. :p
He even seems as high voltage as them :rolleyes:, so probably why they clicked. I can see it now though, playdates are going to be manic.
CrankyAndTired
04-02-2010, 15:16
Really glad you feel heard by J's teacher, hopefully she helps ease his transition..
I smiled when reading about your "triplets" :D:goodvibes:
MordecaiAliVanAllenO'Shea
04-02-2010, 15:23
I'm glad you talked to his teacher. I'm a kindy teacher and have two boys in my class who are b/g twins - their sisters are in the kindy class next door.
The mum from one set explained to me that it was their first seperation and he may be anxious. We had to shuffle some children around as we got more enrolments than expected and had to make an extra class. They were going to move the only one he had made friends with but I asked my supervisor to leave them as I knew how important it was for him.
Teachers don't always understand but then you can be the one to gently educate! I have learnt a lot more from the different students I've had in my class than I ever learnt at uni.
I hope J settles soon and the teacher is able to gently steer him towards a new friend.
Sheer Bliss
05-02-2010, 21:35
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: Sorry I missed this before.
Good that you have been able to talk to the teacher. Hopefully it will help. I am finding it hard enough ATM worrying about DD making friends at school, without the worry of her being a bit lost and alone. It must be breaking your heart!!
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