family doing my head in!

[qldgirl6]

Just wanted to vent my anger and frustration about my SIL. If anyone would like to here more and give me advise could you let me know.

[Roopee]

Im intrigued! I have the in law family from hell so i might be able to help! Pst your story, you'd be surprised how many lovely people on here could help you.

[Leez]

Come on, spill the beans.....we're here to help if we can!;)

Lisa

[Bearskin]

Share your story about SIL - I have 2 from hell and might be able to offer some ideas to manage them!

A few that already come to mind:

- Don't answer the telephone and get caller ID on all phones
- Avoid them at family functions by hanging out with 'the boys'
- Ensure that you have nothing in common (apart from family) thus no need to engage in conversation apart from polite talk and kids
- Don't bite at nasty comments; just wait and listen. They generally expose their own lies, gossip and nasty ways without you looking bad!

Good luck

[Mamaduke]

I'll join in...DH's sister and her husband...a.k.a 'The Ice Princess' and 'The Toad' have in the past...

SIL has flung one son off a chair and winded him and then proceeded to laugh about it
BIL has refused to reciprocate a 'huggle' from my then 3 y/o child citing he's 'English and we only show affection to dogs and horses'
Have repeatedly baulked at any situation which involves them having any interaction with our children unless there's a camera around
Constantly chastise our children when we're at family gatherings
Have NEVER in almost 5 years EVER called and asked how the boys are or wanted to have anything to do with them
Have laughed hysterically when our child was frightened and started crying at something
Have never shown any form of affection or love towards the children and have only 'made an appearance' because they're ruled by the 'iron fist' of the 'smother in law' in her constant competitive battle to outdo my family

[qldgirl6]

Sorry I've taken so long to talk about SIL. Sometimes I get REALLY frustrated and angry, then start feeling bad about how I feel. And also comparing to some of the stories about in laws on bubhub, mine doesn't seem that bad!! Anyway here goes :
My sister in law married my brother not that long ago for reasons other than love (I won't expand too much on that!). She has now successfully complained about me to my parents (without me knowing) and my parents have defended her and attacked me (I didn't even see it coming!!). So I don't know who I'm more angry at - her or my own parents.... This story has many twists and turns and even though I have total support from DH and friends, I still feel like my heart has been totally ripped out.

[Bearskin]

I feel for you and I absolutely understand how you feel.

When my brother got married (I doubt for love from SIL. She has the impression that if our parents have money, then children must too and how wrong she is!!!), my SIL complained to my dad about how I intimidated her and didn't make her feel welcome into the family. Dad had a talk with me where I was to stop being so confident and assertive as this made it had for my SIL; I just laughed at him and said, 'I am who I am; you raised me.' But inside my heart broke a little bit and things have never been quite the same, unfortunately.

Dad defends SIL to the death; she *****es about my mum to my dad (so innappropriate) and dad defends SIL and tells mum she needs to put in more effort with SIL and that mum is to blame for all the problems SIL has fitting in with family....

The sad part in all this is that now I hardly ever see my brother; dad and I barely talk and mum vents all her feelings on me which doesn't help me see the good sides of SIL at all. My brother hardly ever sees his little neice and that is probably the saddest part of all this.

My way of dealing with it - there is nothing you can do but sit back and wait until everything goes downhill and just be a great sister to your brother. I love my dad and my brother but I know that if SIL did see just how assertive I can be, I would look like the mean person and she would be in floods of tears with dad and brother blaming me (again).

It does break your heart; parents should never take sides anyway and YOU are their child, not SIL. My way of dealing with the hurt has been to really involve myself with DH and our family and friends. I have expressed to my dad how I felt and he understood but there is still this attitude of "Poor SIL, she finds it so hard to fit in etc" so now I refuse to discuss SIL with dad or brother.

Hope that helps anyway :)

[qldgirl6]

Thankyou so much for telling me your story Bearskin!!! My story is so much like yours and the thing is I've never said one thing out of turn or out of place to my SIL, brother or parents - ever. I kept my opinions to myself. Also, I did so much for her : take her to the doctors when needed, help mum throw her a baby shower, bought her lots of gifts when she was pregnant, invited her to dinner when brother was away, etc. And then I found out through my dad she had a problem with me!! And he has defended her since. No one must upset poor SIL!!!!
I know one thing for sure - I will never do this to my own children!! I will show total support for my children above anyone else and I'm going to teach my children to work out their problems together, not running behind each others backs even when their adults.
I think my anger is more towards my parents, especially dad. I would have thought that when either SIL or brother started to say anything about me or DH, I would have expected Dad to say " If you have a problem with sis, go speak to her. Don't come to us as we will always support our daughter over our daughter - in-law". Its very hurtful that he didn't.

[Bearskin]

I feel the same as you qldgirl6; I am angry at SIL however I should be (and are) more angry (and hurt) at my father. It is up to him to draw the line and let SIL know what is appropriate.

I feel for Dad too; we can all see the writing on the wall for my brother's marriage (only been 18 months) and its not good. Dad wants to be the saviour of his son's marriage. He knows that DH and I are strong and supportive of each other whereas my brother and his wife are both spoiled, selfish and greedy which doesn't make for a good marriage.

I love my brother however we have been raised very differently; I was encouraged to be confident, assertive and to get what I want from life whereas my brother was wrapped in cotton wool and overindulged. Don't get me wrong - I would rather be me any day and I feel sorry for all my family however they are all adults and can choose how to live their lives. SIL is an only child from Poland; has been spoiled and demands to be the centre of attention so the two of them together is a bad combination.

Some days I wish Dad would just cut them off; no more money to buy their home(s), travel to Europe to see SIL family twice a year, find them employment in dad's businesses etc. Brother is 28 and is still a child; I want him to be a confident adult with his destiny in his own hands who can be the best that HE can be, but Dad (and Mum to a certain extent) will not let go and brother wont stand on his own 2 feet.

You are right; I want to raise my children to turn towards their marriage/partner when times are difficult not turn away from their partner and to their parents/in-laws. Parents cannot save their children's relationships/marriages by allowing one or both to turn away from each other to find support but I guess we all do anything in our power to make our children happy.

[qldgirl6]

Thankyou very much for sharing your story with me Bearskin. I feel a little bit less frustrated now. Its just that you don't hear much about problems with your own family - it's always about the in laws. Who if fact have been an absolute fountain of support for me in this awful time. I feel very sorry for my brother, but have always had the best intentions and hopes for him - including his marriage working - for his sake!
I am now trying to concentrate on the most important things in my life - our own little family and constantly remind myself that DH and our children will always be there and love me for who I am as well as my faults (and most importantly - won't try to change me!!).
Thankyou again, and I hope everything becomes alot easier for your life with your family.