the family bread winner

[liesel]

So we have an ongoing dilemma in our household, which is starting to do my head in.

I love DP and am very proud of him, he left the army after his divorce so that he could get a job in the city his kids were in and now study so that he can provide well for his kids. Now here in lies the problem. I am currently financially supporting him and his 3 kids and he cant handle it. He thinks he is stealing my youth and I should be having fun, getting my nails and hair done etc, etc etc. I'm 23, he is 37 we have been together for 3 years so its not a new issue.

I have said 100+ times that I'm here by choice, I'm happy, and proud to do it. Yeah sometimes I'm so stressed about money that I cry, I have to cry to him because we are a team and he should know the situation if its tight but I am good at budgets and we haven't sunk yet :thumbsup:. besides it will get way better when he graduates, he has already got about 4 job offers lined up.

is anyone in the same situation or the opposite and can give me advice on how to manage this or understand his point of view more?

[oleander]

What would he do for money if you werent there?

I dont believe he feels guilty, I think he is selfish and is using you. If he felt guilty he would make changes and not give you the "you should be out having fun" line and get off his bum and get a job. Hes using those sort of lines as a reverse psychology and knows he has you where he wants you and you aren't going to leave.

I do agree with him though that at 23, a young woman should be living her life fully and not supporting her unemployed boyfriend and his 3 kids.

You will regret this in a few years.

Good on you for doing what you do, I wouldn't.

[sandy cheeks]

:yelclap::yelclap:
I would hate supporting kids that wern't mine (selfish but thats me) I had ds at 21 and gave up everything for him but he's my flesh and blood iykwim and I decided to keep him so I had to iykwim.
I suppose you have decided to "keep" the SK but I think at 23 it's a big call to pay for others offspring if I was your dp I would feel like less of a man iykwim.

[JiminyCricket]

Is there a reason why he cant get a job?

I supported my stepkids as well for about 4 years but DP was working as well so I didn't feel like I was the one bearing all the financial burden, I just helped out with food shopping and buying the kids clothes (i like shopping for kids clothes).

Is it possible for you to set up a savings account just for you to use on yourself.

[Jakois]

What would he do for money if you werent there?

I dont believe he feels guilty, I think he is selfish and is using you. If he felt guilty he would make changes and not give you the "you should be out having fun" line and get off his bum and get a job. Hes using those sort of lines as a reverse psychology and knows he has you where he wants you and you aren't going to leave.

I do agree with him though that at 23, a young woman should be living her life fully and not supporting her unemployed boyfriend and his 3 kids.

You will regret this in a few years.

Good on you for doing what you do, I wouldn't.

Wow really? Her DP is studying to be a paramedic, so not really just sitting around on his bum at all:confused::confused:.

OP, I think if you feel what you are doing is right then go right ahead.

Your DP probably does feel guilty for not contributing financially but as you said it is not going to be long term.

[SweetSerenity]

Wow really? Her DP is studying to be a paramedic, so not really just sitting around on his bum at all:confused::confused:.

OP, I think if you feel what you are doing is right then go right ahead.

Your DP probably does feel guilty for not contributing financially but as you said it is not going to be long term.

:iagree:

Good on you for doing that, I think it says so much about your character and you should be proud of yourself.

If I had to I would do it too... but for us we both work and contribute to our household, but I think your DP is doing a wonderful thing by becoming a paramedic...not many people are cut out to do that job.

I can understand why he feels guilty, he's 37 with 3 kids and is with someone younger than him and is relying on them to support him and his children, for a man it would be hard to accept that.

Just keep encouraging him with his studies and reassure him that you are doing it for you both and once he gets back out there he will feel better :yes:

Also maybe tell him that not all 23yr olds are materialistic and need to go and get their nails/hair done to be happy, I know I never needed that :) Being a mum was fulfilling for me and still is :yes: You obviously feel the same and you seem to be content in your decision and there's nothing wrong with that.

[SuperGranny]

hello, I just want to say I agree with sweetserenity. You are there by choice, and he needs to show how gratful he is by studying hard and getting a good secure job when he graduates, and then he can take care of everyone. You are doing a great job, and I hope you continue to enjoy everything, Marie.

[liesel]

Wow really? Her DP is studying to be a paramedic, so not really just sitting around on his bum at all:confused::confused:.

OP, I think if you feel what you are doing is right then go right ahead.

Your DP probably does feel guilty for not contributing financially but as you said it is not going to be long term.


Yeah he is doing better than I ever did at uni. I should say he does work a bit but it is restricted by study.

& I get to hear some really ikky and strange stories in the evening so I'm entertained.. haha

P.S. He is a Saints supporter so he would think your cool! shame about the GF

oleander, i get that a lot mostly from people who havent known me long, I know there is all ways that possibility but I don't think that's the case. well I hope it isn't else I will be very lonely in 2 years :( We shall see.

hey if it does I will only be 25 and much much wiser than most 25yo's haha. And damn good with money

If he isn't maybe I could become a SAHSM/ lady of luxury. haha

[JiminyCricket]

Well if hes studying to get a better job then its sounds like you both have a long term goal together and thats great.

I can see how he would feel a little guilty escpecially when the children arent biologically yours.

Perhaps he could do something special for you once in a while to show his appreciaton, hint to him that going out to dinner would be nice. (but you'd have to slip him some money first :laughing:)

Once he gets his job you can get preggas and be the SAHM :laughing:

[HunterzMummy]

liesel - I think what you are doing is admirable BUT you just need to be really careful you are doing this for the right reasons iykwim... I will give you a peek at my situation..

I met DH and feel madly deeply in love that NOTHING else mattered.. He had a child AND was supporting 2 of his brothers (and another one in my time there) you see he wasn't earning enough $$ to support living, children etc and because i was so in love with him and wanted nothing more then to be with him, it didnt matter that all my money was going to supporting HIS family. Long story short, i was looking after them for the wrong reasons. Love makes you do crazy things - ultimately i ended up resenting him and all the children involved becasue i missed out on doing things with friends, travelling, studying etc. Now its not there fault but i was silly enough to think love conquers all.

Now im not saying this is you at all. Just saying making sure you are really doing this because you want to deep in you heart. As i was always told ooohhh wow your amazing for doing that which would give me that little bit of strength to keep going on. So just do some soul searching and look at why you are really there ;)

ANd i think he does feel guilty as a man and not being able to provide for his family would kill him.

I hope it all works out and your happy with WHATEVER YOU decide to do :hugs:

[oleander]

I think what you are doing is very selfless and honourable and I wish you all the best hun :) and sorry if I offended before, I was thinking back to things I did in my early 20's and regret wasting my time doing certain things I did. Everyones situation is different though.

[luvmyboys]

Sorry don't have any answers, just wanted to say how mature you sound and hope you both have a wonderful life together. We went through tough times when we were younger and I look back now and think firstly how much simpler life was back then and secondly how it teaches you to appreciate everything you achieve and not take it for granted. You both sound great.