She won't settle unless she's held

[ozoptimist]

Hi Everyone,

I thought I'd ask on here as I don't have many more ideas and my wife is biting my head off which could easily progress to killing me because she isn't getting much sleep. Our daughter is 5 1/2 weeks old. A lot has happened in her short life including a hernia operation and many trips to the hospital. Here is the quick rundown on her habits...

When we first brought her home, she slept extremely well (3 or more hours during the day and at night in one go after my wife's milk came in). This went on for several weeks, and then our daughter started screaming. She could only be consoled by eating or would settle for only a few seconds when being rocked. We knew something wasn't right, even though we were told... "Babies do this. They will cry. This is part of being a parent." It turns out it was a hernia and she had surgery soon after to fix it. It took her another week to get out of screaming day and night as she was still recovering from surgery and was quite sore. During this time she was in and out of the hospital. Finally she settled a bit and we were so grateful that she wouldn't scream, but only had her normal cry, as it was so awful to see her suffering in pain like that.

More recently I have been back at work and my wife has taken it on as her responsibility to look after our daughter all night so that I can be rested for work. While I appreciate it, she is obviously becoming exhausted. There are a number of other issues at hand including us living with her parents which often can lead to more stress even though they are very helpful...

As for our daughter's sleeping habits, on Thursday and Friday nights we tried something a bit different after taking advice from a nurse. We turned off her night light, stopped speaking to her when it was bed time to avoid stimulation, and put her down to sleep as she was falling asleep instead of after she fell asleep so she was aware that she was in her cot. For two nights she went 3 and 4 and even 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. For the last two nights however she has wanted cuddles to fall asleep. She settles easily in our arms, but as soon as she is set down, she gets upset. It's obvious that she is overtired because she hasn't been sleeping much, but she still fights it. We aren't sure what the issue is, but she'll sleep for a couple of hours, maybe twice a day, but other than that, it's just short naps.

Has anyone else had this experience of sleeping well then reverting back to not sleeping well? Does anyone have any suggestions? I would appreciate them greatly as I don't think I have long to live if my wife doesn't get more sleep.

Thanks in advance for your help!

[missie_mack]

Its pretty common. If you think of it logistically when she is being held by you she can smell your smells, probably hear your heart and feel a warmth. When you put her in the cot those things all go and she is in a much bigger area.

Me personally, I would be looking into a bassinette so she can sleep right beside you. A good bassinette is the same height as the bed and it doesn't mean getting out of bed as often (and I don't know you but as soon as my feet hit the floor I have to go to the toilet which wakes me up more) Also being so close she can still hear you both and if you wrap her in a blanket it will absorb some smells (I have known a few to sleep with the blanket for a day or two first to make sure it smells like them) and there won't be any loss of heat when she is put down.

As for being tired. Everyone is dead tired in the first couple of weeks. Maybe a roster would help and extra sleeps on the weekend? Being dead tired does nothing to help the situation. She too has to accept that she has a job to do too that she cannot do effectively if she is not getting enough sleep every day.

HTH

[Pina Colada]

Probably the biggest thing you can do at the moment is adjust your expectations. Some babies sleep very well from birth, others don't. And yes, some start off sleeping well, and regress to waking constantly. And some improve and then regress again and again.

Your DD is still tiny and is probably not in any sort of routine, although you may see that develop soon, but it may not be until 12 weeks or so. For the first 12 weeks I just did whatever I needed to do to get whatever sleep I could. With DD1 she slept on my chest, every sleep, day or night for 9 weeks, until she decided she was happy to go straight into the cot (hated the bassinette). Some things you may do to help the process is have the cot next to your bed, have one of your or your wife's shirts in the cot, or a nursing pad. Playing quiet music, or even having the radio on in the background may help as well.

Newborns crave comfort and familiar touch, sounds, smells and voices. It is natural for her to want to be held constantly.

If it is any consolation (which I know there won't be at the moment), there are millions of parents awake at the same time all over the world, and it will pass.

But like I said, the best thing I could do with my 3 kids is adjust my expectations when it comes to sleep and accept that I won't be getting any, anytime soon. I have averaged 4 hours broken sleep a night for 4 and a half years, and it does get easier.

Good luck :hugs:

[AM]

How about a sling? Babies do love to be held, it is part of their biological expectation, so a sling acts like a third arm, you can give the baby the closeness they crave, but still get on with life :)

[onedayatatime]

:australia:Love this country.

Yes we had the situation of a little baby who used to sleep once upon a time and it all went to poop.

Our baby is now 10 months old and there is couple of things I learned which MAY help you or get you into worse trouble with your Mrs.

1. I gallantly decided I would do all the nights in order for my husband to rest up for work. This lasted for a long time until I just got so cranky from lack of sleep and support (which I volunteered for I know). SO, I eventually decided to get over myself and ask for help and support during the night and it made the world of difference. My husband copes at work and we are simply getting used to having shorter sleeps at night. We are not dead on our feet or cranky. I think we just are used to it more now but v hard at first I realize. BUT DEALING WITH NIGHTS TOGETHER IS A WHOLE LOT LESS UPSETTING, LONELY AND STRESSFUL. It paid dividends for us.

2. My baby (10 months remember) still will not sleep in her cot for me during the day. Is being breastfed still which I think is part of the problem. With her Dad it's different. As she got older she just became ready to go into her cot if Daddy put her there. (after holding her off to sleep and then patting her rear end once in the cot)

SO again I decided to get over myself and my stupid ideals and ignored everyone and just allowed my daughter to sleep in my arms during the day. In the end it was less stress for bub and me. Trying and failing continually to get her to sleep on her own was just so horrible and it seems the better of two evils to just hold her and watch telly as she sleeps. I know I'll probably get shot down for saying that, but there it is for me.

[AM]

SO again I decided to get over myself and my stupid ideals and ignored everyone and just allowed my daughter to sleep in my arms during the day. In the end it was less stress for bub and me. Trying and failing continually to get her to sleep on her own was just so horrible and it seems the better of two evils to just hold her and watch telly as she sleeps. I know I'll probably get shot down for saying that, but there it is for me.

No way! Excellent thinking!! :yelclap:Babies need their mums!! :) :)

[kar]

Is she only doing short naps overnight? My boy would only sleep if i was holding him or lying with him during the day, at 12 wks I started gradually working on getting him to sleep alone and fir more than a catnap. We used a book called the no cry nap solution.
You need to convince your wife to let you help overnight or she will rapidly lose her mind if Bub is only napping.
Have you considered co sleeping? We were not full time co sleepers (at night at least) but up until around 6 months when f was having trouble settling at night we would being him into our bed. Sometimes he stayed all night sometimes not. At about 7 months he started treating our bed as party central but in the first 6 months it was a great tool. And it is totally heavenly of course!

[kar]

Is she only doing short naps overnight? My boy would only sleep if i was holding him or lying with him during the day, at 12 wks I started gradually working on getting him to sleep alone and fir more than a catnap. We used a book called the no cry nap solution.
You need to convince your wife to let you help overnight or she will rapidly lose her mind if Bub is only napping.
Have you considered co sleeping? We were not full time co sleepers (at night at least) but up until around 6 months when f was having trouble settling at night we would being him into our bed. Sometimes he stayed all night sometimes not. At about 7 months he started treating our bed as party central but in the first 6 months it was a great tool. And it is totally heavenly of course!

Think of the trauma she had been through with surgery etc. She just wants to be close and secure, but it is totally exhausting I know.

[MrsD77]

Hi...I really feel for you and your wife. I too take all the night feeds and settling so my husband can sleep for work. My bub settled so well in the first 3 weeks and then it all went pear shaped. He screams when I put him to bed, I stay and shhh and pat for ages and sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. Everyone says it's just the way bubs are but that doesn't make it easier. I spoke to Tresillian (helpline) and they told me it was all developmental and I just had to survive this first 12 weeks. They said to do whatever works..eg. put her in her pram.
Can you call the Tresillian helpline? They are brilliant and may even be able to organise a few home visits to see how things are going and to give you/your wife some help and techniques. I have them coming to the house in a week or so to help me.
I really feel for you both. It is such a trying time. It does get better but at the moment it feels like it will never end..believe me I know, I feel like I'm in a fog most days.

Good luck with whatever works for you all. Take care xxx

[Cass02]

Hi, I can sympathise with you. My son is nearly 5 months old and we have only just sorted out his sleeping, after a rocky start with silent reflux. It got to the point that he was so overtired that we had to do whatever we could to get him to sleep and stay asleep. One day it was the swing, the next his bouncer, the next the baby bjorn - honestly, our house is like a baby store! I reluctantly called to book into tressillion. The lady on the phone succeeded in making me feel terribly guilty - "he's overtired, you're baby will not like sleeping anywhere, it's your job to get him to sleep". Well, thank you for that. We kow all that, but what do we do about. Needless to say, I did not make the booking.

We went back to basics. My son started rolling bang on 12 weeks, and he waned to do it constantly, so we stopped wrapping. We started again out of sheer desperation and what do you know, he started sleeping. Depsite tha heat, he seems to prefer being sweaty and wraped than comfortable and un-wrapped. Whereas before he would wriggle and squirm and do whatever it took to get out, now he lays perfectly still. While no-one I spoke to about his sleeping mentioned it, I honestly think it was just his developmental stage. No doubt we will hit problems when he learns to sit, crawl and stand as well.

I know it doesn't help you right now, but it does get better. So, the things that worked for us. Get into a pre-sleep routine. For us, bub has a kick in the cot while I close the blinds, put the fan on (for white noise), wrap. Cuddle, sing lullaby, "time for sleep, mummy and daddy love you very much", kiss, in cot, "nigh, nigh" and walk out. If bub cries unhappy cry, I go in and rock the bassinet, "ssshhhhh". Walk out when calm. If he still won't settle, I pick him up, cuddle him, repeat "time for sleep etc", back down. At night, we add a bath, massage and story to this to let him know it's time for a long sleep.

I think until now I was being too impatient and was introducing too many diifferent techniques. If the above didn't work, would try patting or try the swing. I think I really needed to be more consistent and confident with my approach. I'm not going to tell you to tell your wife to sleep when bub does. That's all well and good if bub sleeps. Maybe suggest she take bub to bed with her for one feed, so she can lie down and sleep while bub feeds. This saved me!

Can I also suggest that you work on one sleep a day? I started with first morning sleep. I made sure we were up at the same time every morning no matter what (7am). I would feed bub, change nappy, little play, and back to bed no longer than an hour later. He still only lasts an hour. Getting this sleep right was key to our day. You may have to experiment a bit to get the timing right, but persevere cos this is an important one. In the meantime, I suggest your wife does whatever she can to get bub caught up on sleep,and while she does this, she observes your bub's sleeping pattern. If my bub is over-tired we still have to hold him till he gets to sleep, but I have noticed once he hits his deep sleep, I can put him down wherever I want and he will stay asleep. He is in his deep sleep when his lower eye lids get more definition and he does a big sigh.

Now that the difficult period has passed, it doesn't seem that bad, but when you're living it and breathing it.... it's so hard to get through the day. I think it's fantastic that you're concerned about your wife enough to post the question. I too did all our night settling and it was exhausting, but made easier because my husband always asked me if I needed him to do anything, get anything - just the fact that he asked was enough. Oh, and don't ever, ever get up in the morning and comment that bub slept really well, unless you know for a fact that she did. My husband learnt not to do this the hard way! Good luck.

[elleandsam]

Sounds like what DD did for months, almost went out of my mind, but she did get better.

I suggest finding ways to cope with the situation instead of finding ways to fix the situation.

[arty1]

Hi there,

I am in the same position as you with my baby (minus the health problems), so don't think her behaviour is necessarily related to her illness as it sounds like from what people have replied and what Ive read, its "normal" baby behaviour.:crying:


She settles easily in our arms, but as soon as she is set down, she gets upset. It's obvious that she is overtired because she hasn't been sleeping much, but she still fights it. We aren't sure what the issue is, but she'll sleep for a couple of hours, maybe twice a day, but other than that, it's just short naps. You have hit the nail on the head! My baby is 5.5wks old too, and we have our good days and bad days. Sometimes she sleeps really well at night for her long sleep being 6hours and only waking once and other times like last night she wakes 2-3 times and only sleeps 3-4 hours. Sometimes she sleeps well during the day, all day, other days its mini naps after a feed falling asleep at the breast and after a little hold thinking 'she's finally asleep'...when you put her down she wakes. :crying::hissy:We have tried the vibrating bouncer, this does seem to work sometimes, and she sleeps in the pram so during the day for naps we put her in that too. She seems to like movement/motion. Swaddling is too hot here in Cairns, only sometimes at night do I do it and in the air con. Plus after the first week I stopped it because she doesn't like it, she keeps kicking and squirming until she is out and free! Grrr!!! :hair:

That is my most hated and stressful thing at the moment, feeling like I can't escape, being attached too, 24/7 pretty much, So YES I am very much sleep deprived and not really enjoying being a mum as Im sure your wife is feeling much the same.:( I have also tried a sling, but so far she doesn't seem to really like that much. She really likes being held and cradled. Which is soo hard for me/us as you can get nothing done. So I pretty much spend my day on that couch.

The hardest part of the night feeds is staying awake. I too let my hubby sleep as he has to go to work the next day...but sometimes he wakes and asks me if he can do anything etc. But as I am the one feeding he cant really. Its the thought of him just being there and supporting that helps the situation. So I can suggest that to help your wife. If she has feed, and baby is taking ages to settle or get back to sleep, that is something you can help with.

To be honest I cant think there is one solution that can fix the situation. I think different things work at different times and like people say, it changes day by day. One person said to me, just do what you have to do to survive. If that means sleeping during the day while bub is and being awake at night because bub is then do whatever works.

If you find a 'works-every-time' solution please let me know.:yes:

[OJandMe]

:hugs: I sympathise.

My last little guy was like this.

My advice... get a good sling, an Ergo, a mai-tai, a hug-a-bub and any other carrier that takes your fancy.

You have an in arms bub. Some babies sleep, some babies don't.

can your wife lie down to feed the baby? I found that on the days my others were at childcare I could grab a couple of hours sleep by just napping while he was feeding, both of us lying together on my bed.

Have you tried an electric swing? That might help. I know that for J2, he'd fall asleep in the electric swing after a good feed and a lavender bath.

It DOES change..... babies will eventually sleep. They eventually stop feeding, they eventually stop waking, they eventually stop coming and climbing in with you, and they eventually stop letting you wash their hair, dress them, make their breakfast, and brush their teeth.... They are only little for a short period of time.

Carry them, sleep with them, hold them. Or use a good bouncy bouncer to tap with your feet while you're busy... or let someone else hold them.

:hugs: It's hard... but it will pass. :hugs:

[moozle]

I really feel for you and your wife, it's a tough few months to get through.

As many pp's have said, it's very common for them to 'cat-nap' during the day. In fact, our son only slept when I was rocking him (constantly) in my arms for the first 3 months! Not much fun. It DOES get better though. What I would suggest for you wife is to get a baby carrier and put your daughter in it during the day so that she can get things done and your daughter should sleep well in there close to her Mummy. The other thing she could do is to try napping WITH her. I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but I was so exhausted during those first few months, I would lie down with DS and he would fall asleep on me.

When your daughter is a bit older you can try some 'sleep-training' but for now, she's going to be unpredictable for a while. Just get by any way you can. All the best!

[JabberJaw]

At 5 1/2 weeks its pretty normal for a bub to want to be close to mummy. My kids were held to sleep, they are 12,6,5,1 and i certainly dont do it anymore.

Ignore well meaning do gooders with there own opinions, its your bub and you know whats best and what works for you, so do it.