Question about getting on with a 'new girlfriend'

[AM]

lll

[dreamtobeamummy]

Hmmm not sure how much help I will be.

6 Years ago now since DF and I got together, of course you could imagine DSS' mother was a little bit hesitant about me, but I dont blame her.. I was 17 and her and DF were together for 5 years and had a baby together.

After a little while she came around, I just would be myself and always be nice.

now, we don't have any problems at all, I pick up DSS from her house on my own.. I go into their house have a chat with her, talk about DSS and his schooling.. Stand at soccer training chatting to each other, people think thats a bit odd :laughing: And still I am just myself. We have never had any major issues.

[Alekay]

I am the newish g/f for my DP. we have been together 18mths. He has 3 kids though that said they are older 18,17 and 16. I meet the kids Mum last Christmas and I was just myself as was she.

We get on great we both gang up on DP and spend time together doing stuff. It is a little weird but we just seemed to click and get on really well. If there is an issue with the kids they talk about it and I try not to get to involved.

DP and my ex get on so so, they have no had any issues and are fine to interact when they see each other which is not very often as we are in SA and he is in QLD.

I don't want to be a Mum to DP's kids and he doesn't want to be a father to mine so we just approach it that way I guess. Not sure how it works but it is and I am so glad for that!

[SassyMummy]

I think you've just got to be polite, but you don't have to be very friendly or anything. I think that might make her feel weird. Polite, respectful, etc is more than enough IMO.

However, it's very easy to be like that when they're that way too... not so easy when they're sending you nasty text messages pretending to be your ex, phonecalls abusing you telling you how your child would be lucky if you were out of the picture, how disgustingly obese you are... go have another donut etc.

This is what happened with me.

Any issues I had with my ex, she involved herself in. They weren't even personal issues really - more that I was demanding he see DD more often as it's not fair on her to wonder when she'll next see him, etc, me getting angry because he let her take food he was chopping from the chopping board and therefore cut her finger, etc... whenever I had an issue wit him, she was there to hurl abuse my way.

The two of them seemed to get off on being nasty to me... and it was strange, because up until that point, the ex had never been like that.

It finally stopped oneday when I was trying to call my ex to organise something to do with DD, and he refused to talk, so she answered, telling me he didn't want to talk to a fat b*tch like me... blah blah blah... she hurled more and abuse, I talked louder to try and talk over her... until I broke down and started crying.

At first she made fun of me, but I think she realised just how horrible she was being after a minute or two, and call ended up with her trying to console me, promising to make sure the ex was a better father to DD, etc etc.

There has been no abuse since then, and no contact with her either. That's partly because the ex and her have moved overseas together... so there's no chance I'll see her, and he only writes/calls DD every so often. Still, there's been no nastiness from the ex since then either.

Just be prepared for whatever might happen. I have no idea why these people get so angry and hateful, especially when you have no intention of causing a fuss and have remained friendly yourself...

But just be prepared for that. Try your hardest not to stoop to their level if things turn out like they did for me above... I SOMETIMES caved and would say something semi-mean back (though I just called her a "silly Pom," which was hardly insulting compared to what they were calling me!)... but I do think it's important to try and remain as civil as you can regardless.

[brizbabe71]

I am a BM and a SM (although due to my bonus daughters BM behaviour) dp and I have sold our house to return to separate residences.

My miss 10 has a Sm and I have always treated her with respect-I have asked her for an opinion on various things-behaviour, household rules so there is little discord between the households. I like her to come to Miss 10s extra curricular activities, parent teacher interviews etc because after all she is also helping bring up our daughter. And yes she is OUR daughter not just mine and ex DH-she has 4 loving parents that she is well aware we are all pretty much on the same page with and we don't seem to have many "playing off" against each other.

As a SM, all I wanted was a civil working relationship with my bonus daughters BM however despite the fact the girls live predominately with dp & I after she walked out on her marriage and the 2 girls (aged 2 & 5 or so)she is has been from day 1 a nasty piece of work.

I have been verbally abused via txt and email as well as in person to the extent I had to go to the police-the kids cop it if they even mention my name-she has badmouthed my child. She has admitted to me that she is jealous but the nastiness has been unrelenting and the emotional stress this has placed on the children has gotten too much hence seperate households in the"possibly" vain hope that she may leave them alone to allow them to form their own opinions. Unfortunately she doesn't see what she is doing and saying to them is what I strongly consider a form of emotional abuse. These girls love me-I tuck them into bed at night, I help with homework, read books, feed house and clothe them and I can no longer allow them to be used like this anylonger by someone who claims to love them.

My best advice I think is to allow your children to form their own relationship with GF, you will always be mum, kids have enough love in their hearts to go around for everyone important in their lives, be polite & respectful-she is learning too in this new role-especially if she doesn't have children of her own and don't be possessive of "special" events like school carnivals-my theory is its great for the kids that they have so many interested parties coming along to cheer them on. Don't demand that their household is run in a certain way or expect to have a say in what happens in that hosehold-short of the kids being physically /emotionally abused-their house=their rules.

I think as the BM and having "history" with the children's father may always be mildy threatening to any new GF particulary in the early days so by making a positive 1st impression from your end will ideally smooth a path to having a good relationship that works for all of you, some of it will also depend on what your ex has told her about you and why you seperated etc etc so be prepared if he hasn't painted you in a favourable light and she is "protective" of him IYKWIM. It will also depend on what sort of relationship you have maintained with the ex and maybe asking him how he feels about having a get together with GF for a meet & greet. Ask her what sort of role she is hoping to play in the kids lives-ie: would you be okay if she took them for a haircut etc? Do you expect to be consulted on everything etc etc


I think the fact that you are here asking how to formulate a relationship with gf is wonderful and mature and I wish you all the best!!

[Mrs Mac]

Hi AM,

I am a SM to a beautiful 6 year old boy and a gorgeous 7 year old girl and I am also pregnant with my first.

I really wish DH's ex would talk to me. To her, I am non existent and that frustrates me. I have not done anything to her for this to be the case. I am their step mother and I also parent her children when they are with us. Joint parenting would make a world of difference. She does not even send us any school correspondence. (we live in different states so we see them once to twice a year)

Before I met DH he found it very hard to talk to her in regards to the kids and since meeting me I have only encouraged contact with her for the children's best interests. Although contact is still very hard as they both find it hard to communicate with each other (story of their marriage) it is at least there.

I too very much want the kids to be a part of their brother/sister's life. His daughter asked us to send her a photo of both of us so she could remember what Daddy and I looked like so we did. But his ex ripped it up. So I am unsure how to maintain a sibling relationship as we have limited contact. If his ex was only more accommodating it may be easier.

I think it is wonderful that you want to establish a good relationship with her. Don't try be her friend but be polite to begin with and judge it from there. I agree with Brizbabe allow your children to develop their own relationship with her.

I believe the more people to love a child the better.

Probably not much help but Good luck!

[liesel]

Persistence is the key. I am the other woman. and even though my BF's ex left him for a 19yo bloke I was treated like hell.

BF and the ex were completely incapable of talking to each other when I arrived a year after the separation. I had to do all the communication pretty much from the day I moved in with him (3 months into relationship). she was dreadful to me. wouldn't tell me information or soccer matches, birthday parties, etc. which was hard having 50/50care.

some girls will come in ready to be a "spare mum" as I am now introduced. miss six "this is liesel, she is my spare mum" some girls aren't. If the new girlfriend wants to be called mum that is very very wrong and I would never let BF's kids call me that, but I would hope that you colud be happy that she is keen on caring for them and diciplining them. its allways better when you can become a team and keep the lines of communication open, dont think it will be easy because I can tell you it won't!

but you will get there even if it is just to be civil.

Time frames. well its taken me 3 years to get the ex to be nice to me and a awful lot of 1 way conversations and going out of my way to be nice. It should be better for you being the actualo mum and starting out yourself on the right foot. if dad cares as much for his kids as you say he does then I dont think he would let some goose into their live..

:) and good on you for thinking ahead.

p.s. have you thought about thalk9ing to your ex about it and asking what he expects from you?

[JiminyCricket]

........

[~isis~]

hi.
i am well was the new woman in my dp life just over 2 years ago... and i can say while i couldnt say i instantly clicked with ssm she wasnt that bad. dp had me convinced shed want to hit me, or start something.. as thats how she treated the other girls he had before i came along.
i didnt really listen to much to what dp was saying, i just said dont worry if she trys to start ill be the better person and walk away. but thankfully for all of us she was polite, and i was just me. this wasnt long after dp and i had met.. i kinda dint want to go as it was dss grade 7 graduation, and i didnt want anyone feeing uncomfitable because of me, but dp wanted me there as he wasnt comfitable around his ex.. they never got along after they split. but now things are better between them, not perfect but they comunicate without it turning into a fight.
all i can say is just be yourself, if your acting all nice and super friendly when that isnt who you are they will see right though it and think wtf dose she think shes doing? im not saying be mean, or if you really are that super nicer sort of person dont be.. im saying be you. and eventually all should work the way you want noone wants to be around fake people, and noone wants to be forced to like someone they dont. but if you keep it civil at first you will get a good idea on how things will go.
i get on really well with dssm now, when i pick him up i can just sit and tak to her for ages. and vice versa. dp gets on better with her too, wich is good, dss is always comenting on it. and i think it really has been a positive experance. even tho im sure dp would say i was a bit hard on him at first but thats cause i could see half the tension was caused by him and i was an outsider so i told him dont care if she is rude just be nice, and focus on the fact you are still a team raiseing a wonderful son. cant say it was me that did change it i think we all did.