What do the words "MUM" and "DAD" mean to you?

[Benji]

DS came home the other day and told me his bio-dad told him off because he told him he has two dads. His bio-dad and my partner.

To me, DP is more his father than his bio-father.

DP:



Tucks him in at night
Will pay for DS' food, medication, housing, etc
Plays with him every day
Walks down with me do child care to pick him up
Cuddles him in the middle of the night when he's had a nightmare
Stays up with us all night when we're sick, nutures him
Cooks his meals
Cleans his messes

All of these things he does I mean he does in conjunction with me.

DS' bio dad:



Has him one night per week, sometimes, if it's convenient with his social schedule
Refuses to pay for anything, even medication.. very important medication even
Takes him around on errunds
hmmmm I'm wracking my brain here.


I believe that even though DP wasn't present at the conception, he is his dad.

I'm pretty angry that XDP told DS off for saying how he feels TBH.


Any thoughts?

[SassyMummy]

DD tells me that she had two Daddies... DP and her actual father.

She even tells me that she likes DP better, because he does more "dad things" than hers does, and because he spends more time with her. She even thinks they look more like father and daughter - DP has brown hair and brown eyes like DD (and me) whereas the ex has blonde hair and green eyes. Not that THAT really makes much difference, but I think to DD, it's one way of feeling connected to DP.

I'd be lying if I said DP makes the perfect father, but this is very new to him, especially being a young male who was single and lived with his parents for his whole life prior to me... all of a sudden he's got an insta-family in DD and I, so I know he struggles to deal with it at times.

He tries so hard though, and does a lot, and while it's moving slowly, he's really taking on the role of DD's father bit by bit.

DD's real father though... he helped make her, but didn't want her (he wished for an abortion the entire pregnancy)...

He was "around" but never much help. He was either sleeping or complaining for me to go do things for her or putting me down for not being a better mother.

He pretty much stopped seeing her once we split. He hardly saw her. Now he doesn't see her at all and hasn't for a year because he's moved overseas.

I would be p*ssed if DD said something about having 2 dads to her father and he told her off. She hasn't got a real dad in her bio-father, so I think it's fine for her to find someone else she can feel that way about... no pressure or anything, but if she wants to call DP her dad, then that is her choice.

[BitterSweet]

To be honest if I split up with DP and our children started to call his new partner mum I would be hurt.

[Benji]

To be honest if I split up with DP and our children started to call his new partner mum I would be hurt.

I'm sure he is hurt, but a child shouldn't be told off for how they feel IMO. DP is more of a father than his biological dad anyway.

His bio-dad is like SassyMummy's ex. Scarily similar actually. Didn't want him in the first place, barely looked at him sideways throughout his life.

[SassyMummy]

It's up to the child to decide though, IMO, and if a father is fulfilling his role as a father properly, kids don't have a VOID to fill.

I'm sure it'll hurt the ex if DD ever declares that she has 2 fathers, but honestly - too bad. He abandoned her. She has the right to find a father in whomever she deems worthy if he's not stepping up the plate and being that father for her.

[Kangaskippy]

Fathering a child does not necessarily make them a "dad"...

I agree, your DS should not be told off for calling your DP dad if he is doing everything a father should be doing, most importantly loving the child (this the child picks up on by all the "daddy" things he does)...even if this hurts or upsets your Ex....It is more important how your child feels and that should be respected by his bio-dad in my opinion...

[delirium]

Anyone can donate sperm or carry a child. IMO that doesn't mean they are a mum or dad. That means they have procreated.

A dad (or mum) is there for the good and bad. They clean up spew and poo, they get up to the child every morning, they forgo their needs to make sure their child has everything they need. They love them unconditionally when they do something wrong or make a bad decision.

Any man can contribute sperm, but a real dad is there for the long haul,thru thick and thin.

As for your ex being upset he calls your partner dad.... well maybe if he stepped up and was involved with B all the time he would have a closer bond with his father. The blame doesn't lie with you, your partner or B, but with your ex. You could also look at it that if he was half a decent partner you would never have left him anyway, right? ;)

[SassyMummy]

I also wanted to add that men can still be great fathers even if they're not living with the mother anymore. It just seems that a lot of exes don't even bother. The relationship with the mother is over and so they slack off being a father too.

You can't get the credit of being a father without putting in the effort too.

[MunchiesMummy]

Well I firstly think it was a bit harsh of your ex DP to tell your DS off as he is only a child and I think it is fantastic that he sees it as having 2 dads, it shows he really loves both his dads which is great.

I also would be hurt if DH and I separated and my DD called his partner mum - HOWEVER in saying that I also like to think that if that ever happened I would rather my DD felt comfortable enough around that person to call them Mum, rather then my DD hating that person - I would like to think I would suck it up for the happiness of my DD (WAY easy for me to say I know seeing as though I am not in that position).

I think you DP sounds like a really excellent Dadda and definitely deserves the title!

[Benji]

Fathering a child does not necessarily make them a "dad"...

I agree, your DS should not be told off for calling your DP dad if he is doing everything a father should be doing, most importantly loving the child (this the child picks up on by all the "daddy" things he does)...even if this hurts or upsets your Ex....It is more important how your child feels and that should be respected by his bio-dad in my opinion...

I think so too. I'm really upset that he had a go at him. Poor DS doesn't know what to think now. We have never encouraged DS to think of DP as his dad, he came to that conclusion himself after learning about families at daycare!


Anyone can donate sperm or carry a child. IMO that doesn't mean they are a mum or dad. That means they have procreated.

A dad (or mum) is there for the good and bad. They clean up spew and poo, they get up to the child every morning, they forgo their needs to make sure their child has everything they need. They love them unconditionally when they do something wrong or make a bad decision.

Any man can contribute sperm, but a real dad is there for the long haul,thru thick and thin.

As for your ex being upset he calls your partner dad.... well maybe if he stepped up and was involved with B all the time he would have a closer bond with his father. The blame doesn't lie with you, your partner or B, but with your ex. You could also look at it that if he was half a decent partner you would never have left him anyway, right? ;)

:yes: Exactly. I never wanted to be a single mum and *shock horror* break up the family it's just that he was so darn awful I had no choice :laughing:

And I agree. I was just saying today it's not the fact that I have ovaries and gave birth to DS that makes me his mum, it's the unconditional love that I give him.


I also wanted to add that men can still be great fathers even if they're not living with the mother anymore. It just seems that a lot of exes don't even bother. The relationship with the mother is over and so they slack off being a father too.

You can't get the credit of being a father without putting in the effort too.

:iagree:

With rights comes responsibility. If he wants the right to be considered his father, he should take responsibility and act like one.

[BitterSweet]

I'm sure he is hurt, but a child shouldn't be told off for how they feel IMO. DP is more of a father than his biological dad anyway.



I agree 100% with that. Your poor child would have felt so confused.

[Benji]

Well I firstly think it was a bit harsh of your ex DP to tell your DS off as he is only a child and I think it is fantastic that he sees it as having 2 dads, it shows he really loves both his dads which is great.

I also would be hurt if DH and I separated and my DD called his partner mum - HOWEVER in saying that I also like to think that if that ever happened I would rather my DD felt comfortable enough around that person to call them Mum, rather then my DD hating that person - I would like to think I would suck it up for the happiness of my DD (WAY easy for me to say I know seeing as though I am not in that position).

I think you DP sounds like a really excellent Dadda and definitely deserves the title!

Thanks for that, DP really is great. He does more than he has to because he loves us both so much.

I think I'd be the same. DS hasn't called his father's partner 'mum' yet but I'm sooooo glad he loves her and that she takes care of him.

[delirium]

I wanted to add too that I would be upset if Dh and I broke up and my children called his partner mum. I would want them to call her by her first name. But that's bc I am a real mother. I feed them, get up to them, cuddle them, go without to give them everything. If I was wandering in and out of the children's lives (just say DH had custody), wouldn't pay CS and was a sunny day mum, I would get why my kids were calling the new partner mum.

The term dad (or mum) is a privilege not a right.