I feel like a married 'single mother'

[kerrin]

Does anyone else have a partner that works such long hours that they feel like they are a single parent? My husband leaves for work at 7.30am and is rarely home before 7.00pm (last night it was 9.00pm). Some nights he does some further work at home and on weekends he spends at least half a day at work or working from home. (Unfortunately he has a workaholic boss who expects everyone to work the hours he does).

I don't like to 'nag' my husband about it as he is stressed enough about his workload - but it is getting crazy. Some days he hardly sees our daughter at all (she is only 4 months old) as she is asleeep when he leaves for work and is normally in bed before he gets home. He comes into the room when she is having her 'rollover' feed at 10.30pm and wants to play with her - I have to keep telling him to stop getting her excited as it makes it harder to get her back to sleep.

DD started her first day at child care yesterday (2 days a week) as I do some work from home - so I feel like I am finally getting some much needed timeout.

So, back the the title of my thread, I feel like I don't have a lot of the advantages that being married should bring to our family - both physical and emotional support. I have to do it all on my own during the day and spend most nights on the couch alone also.

Am after advice from anyone about how they have dealt with similar situations.

[JnA]

Hi Kerrin

Sometimes I feel exactly the same. Although my partner works fairly normal hours, he is a quadriplegic and cannot offer the physical support that other partners can. His disability also adds to my workload.
However, he is working a job that allows me to stay at home with our child, and during the tougher times it helps me to remember that.

You can only do the best you can with what you have.

Best wishes for you.. and remember, you are not alone.

[mamachops]

Sometimes I think it would be easier to be a single mother because then i wouldn't expect any support/assistance, I'd just get on with it.;)

I'm sure I wouldn't feel like that if I was a single mother though!

[Kaylene]

I hear you. Its really really hard. DH leaves about 6.30 and gets home around 7.30. The days are long and some nights DD goes to bed around 8.30 just so she can see her daddy. Its also heart breaking when she starts going to the front door every ten mins to check if he's home from 5pm. How do you explain to a 2yo daddy is another 2 hours away...
Though I am glad he doesnt travel as much anymore.
Keep your chin up is all I can advise.
hugs K

[mum2nearly3]

I know how you feel Kerrin,

My DH leaves home at 6.00am and arrives home 7.40pm. Not great money either for all the long hours (Retail Sucks!) I always feel by the time he gets home and is happy and wants to hear about everything I am so drained I can't be bothered re-hashing it.

Last night for example: I finished work, picked up DD from school, picked up my mum and went for a walk. while on our walk, DS childcare called saying he kept crying what time was I coming to get him (It was 3.55pm) So I said I would be there about 4.30pm as usual. I go and get him, take the kids home for a bath. DS screamed the house down not wanting a bath, so I bathed him anyway (Very quickly) and got him out. DD took a while longer to play and wash hair while I was dressing DS.

Putting new nappy on DS I notice his butt is nearly burnt off - Bright Red from Nappy Rash. So I plasted him with zinc cream but with him fighting me every step of the way. Next I go in to get DD out of bath and no matter how many times she is told not to jump in/out of the tub she stood on the edge as I had my hands out holding her....I said step down don't Jump or you will get hurt.......So what happens...Yep you guessed it...She jumps down from the bath edge, feet go from under her as she misses the bath mat and hits the back of her head on the bath tub. Two screaming kids later, one with a burnt of butt, on sitting propped up with a bag of frozen peas on the back of her head - while constantly checking for signs of concussion, I feel so stressed and sad I said to my mum now all I need is to go into early labour....Thankfully that didn't happen.

Sorry for drgging out the storey but Yes I do know how you feel when you say you are married but feel more like a single mum. The men seem to miss all the dramas and don't understand why we are exhausted when they get home.

Does anyone else have days like this or is it just me???? :gloomy:

[Mrs AJC]

I know how you feel. We have just moved from Syd to Bris 6weeks ago and bub is 7mths. We gave up our business back there because hubby was offered a good job which has provided a level of security over our finances that we didn't have before. I was dragging crying newborn to the site to sit in a little office trying to keep the admin side of the business working. So whilst now I don't see DH between 6:30am and sometimes 7-8pm, he does get every monday off and every second weekend (a change from 4 years of 7 days a week 12+ hrs a day - only holiday was our honeymoon!) I know he misses out on a lot and he hates that but can't complain because I am doing it all. What he gives me is the ability to stay home with our precious son instead of having someone else looking after him and us both missing out.
With the wanting to play at the night feed, once or twice a week I give DS an extra nap in the afternoon so he can stay up a bit later so DH can play, bath etc. It doesn't do too much disruption to our routine and keeps all happy - DH loves the time, DS loves the time, I get an hour to have a glass of wine and chill out. It works for us.
Remember that whilst it may feel like your a single parent, at night you have a DH to cuddle up to (that's a nice part of my day!)

I just have to add that I only have one child so I cannot even imagine dealing with more than one by myself. Although with our dog it sometimes feels like two kids, I am only posting my view from a room with one baby.

[mich71]

i know how you feel we live were dh works so not much to do but just get on with it it doesnt bother me anymore it his job but it did take me years to get used to it now its him complaining he doesnt get to see us enough

[kymmy]

My hubby works 12 hours a day.
When he is home he sleeps.
I feel like a single mum too at times.
:hugs:

[Roopee]

Yep!!!! I hear Ya!

We have three kids and another one on the way. Dh leaves at 5.30am and is lucky to get home by 7pm. Then there are the times, usually once a fortnight where he has to spend a few days interstate, not to mention the "work do's" he HAS to attend.
I have to get up get DS1 ready for school, look after the kids, pack the lunch etc etc, spend the day cleaning, playing etc etc and then when he finally drags his butt in the door, im expected to be happy to see him:confused:. Most days im not. Im just too tired to talk and all i want to do is go to bed. It' s also pretty unfair that he gets to get up and get himself reay for work and walk out the door, while i have to get up before him as i have so much stuff to de before the kids get up!!!!!!!

[kerrin]

Thanks for all of your feedback. I knew I wasn't the only one! DD is only 4 months old and doesn't really understand the concept of who 'Dad' is - I can only imagine how much harder it is for those of you with older kids.

I'm also a bit scared that as she gets older I will become 'mean old mummy' who does all of the disciplining and day to day stuff, while my husband gets to do the fun things with her because he wants to make the most of what time he has with her.

I might have to try, as I think someone suggested, putting her to bed earlier and then waking DD in the evening so my husband can play with her.

[TillyG]

:wave: I used to feel like that too.

We only moved to Australia in February before then we'd always been in the UK. My DH worked fairly long hours and had a 90min commute each way. So he would leave at 6.45am (just as DD & I were getting up) and, on a good day, he would maybe be home in time to tuck her in to bed at 7pm. He worked away a lot too and often at a moment's notice.

I was on the verge of leaving him last Sept as I'd had enough of being a single-married mum and, quite frankly, thought I'd be better off being a "proper" single-mum.

However, he got offered the job here in Dec and by Feb we were here. Has been a very trying time and more than once I have considered leaving him again and going back to the uk, which isn't fair on him or our DD.

But things are improving. Until last month he had no idea that I'd been thinking of leaving him in Sep. That really shocked him and he's now picked up his game and things are better. He tries to get home by about 6pm (at the latest) and he doesn't leave until after 8am in the mornings now. That's mainly because we now live about 15mins from his work.

At the weekends he's fab though and will often take DD out for an afternoon on his own while I just chill :)

Sorry for waffling on!

Tilly x

[Imgoingnuts]

Have a life like that now. DH has just started a new job and is spending mon-fri in melbourne but at least he can fly home for the wkends. First couple times were novelty (now it is definitely wearing off). But it does mean I can stay at home with our four children so there are some pay offs.

[JATS]

Hubby leaves for work about 7am and gets home anywhere between 7pm and 11pm.

Its hard but we're working on investing, home buisness and other stuff so he won't have to do it for long. :fingerscrossed:

[TillyG]

I might have to try, as I think someone suggested, putting her to bed earlier and then waking DD in the evening so my husband can play with her.

:eek: Not a chance! That would never have happened here. If DH missed out on seeing her awake then it was tough luck on his part!

Just thought of a coping mechanism I had - instead of getting angry when he came home late or anything, I changed my thinking so that I would assume he wouldn't be home.That way, if he didn't come home early (or at all) then I could just crack on as planned. But if he DID turn up, it was a bonus.

[MrsMiggins]

I understand where you are coming from.

My DH works casually, has his own business (which unfortunately requires him to travel interstate about once a month - sometimes more often) and also occasionally works as a caddy for a pro-golfer (and has ambitions to do this full time once his golfer friend starts really getting into it & starts making the overseas tours in a couple of years time). His casual job means that he is on call whenever they need him & as he works with a few pro-golfers, they are often away on tournaments etc which means that he works 6 days a week a lot of the time. He also has another job that fills in his one remaining day off on Sundays.

All this means that we are lucky to see DH for an hour or two a day that we are not sleeping. And there are many days we just don't see him at all.

He is run ragged, but because our income can fluctuate very dramatically from one week & one month to the next, he feels he really needs to keep going just so we can make ends meet (which unfortunately is true).

Admittedly there are times when there is nothing going on & he may have several days off at a stretch, but these days we really can't do anything too extravagant, as when he doesn't work, that means we have no spare $$$!

I also hate that there is no such thing as weekends or holidays for us. :thumbsdown:

On the times DH is at home, he makes an effort to spend as much time with DD as possible. Plus, I am working full time, so DD's care is shared between DH & my parents. Whenever DH is not working, he looks after her & when he is, my parents get to mind her.

[arthursmum]

I think i know how you feel, we don't have any family support where we live.
dh works fairly reasonable hours and spends time with our son however, he often goes away for long stretches, anything from 3 days to 3 weeks. luckily this means we have a pretty comfortable life (read-cleaner) & bubs and i can pretty much do what we want to. i have always had alot of respect for single mums but now i can (temporarily) really relate to their immense challenges.
it's bl***y hard! & i have it easy..
as many of the lovely ladies have said, you're not alone and your dh sounds reasonable and loving.
all the best :)

[FourAngelKisses]

DH has worked 12hr shifts for the last 11yrs (I haven't known him to work any other hours) and if he isn't working, he is sleeping. Kids don't get to see him much, except on Sundays and on his day off (but they are at school then).

I do have to do everything myself, but when he is home, he does help. I have gotten used to it though. I think I would hate him doing another job where he works more than 4 days a week.