What to do? What to do?

[Safire]

Hi everyone.... First let me say this is going to be a looong one... I'm having a big issue with my (ex?) partner and I have been struggling on pretending it doesn't exist for so long now.... So this is 90% a vent, and 10% a request for advise lol!

So some background... I have been together with my partner (not FOB) for almost 3 years now. Things have been tough most of that time and the issues we have he always seems to be able to tell me just how it was my problem. We had a small breakup in June 09 where we argued and he walked out, but I begged him back and he came. Since then it's been really hard... He has been terribly degrading to me and my family (saying things which are either not true or are extremely upsetting) and it seems deliberately picking fights. He has told me that DD is not his therefore despite the fact that she calls him dad and is the only dad she knows (her bilogical has not has contact since she was 1 and my partner and I have been together since she was 6 months) he hs told me he feels he has no responsibility for her and I should therefore take full responsibility for looking after her ( I'm nt allowed to ask him to pick her up from care or bath or feed her anymore etc).

We have been on holiday without him for the last week (he couldn't get leave when we expected he could and couldn't cancel the holiday) and he is obviously missing us as we are him. However his way of dealing with it gas been to criticise me, pick fights and nw tell me that unless I come home now he won't be here when we get back! I have pandered slightly and "begged" that he doesn't leave but I was wondering what your advise would be?

There... So much better... Thanks for reading :)

[flyawayfree]

I know my advice may not be very helpful or that of the general view, but if he is going to treat you and your dd like that I'd be telling him to just be gone before you get back. I mean, he isn't showing you the respect you deserve, and by leading you to beg it may even be like a power trip to him.

I am sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear but that's how I see it.

I hope things work out ok.

[bellabubba]

Hi Safire,

Sorry to hear about the situation with your partner :( It's not a nice one to be in especially when it involves your child. But if it was me, I wouldn't stand for the way he's acting. Fair enough, he has been there since your baby was young and you must still have strong feelings for him if you are begging him not to leave, but you have to think whether this is what you want for yourself and DD. He's not willing to take responsibility for her anymore, he picks fights with you, criticises you then threatens to leave you both if you don't come home from holiday.

My advice would be to leave him. That's what I would do anyway. It's probably not easy to think of your life without him, but if your DD calls him dad, and now he no longer wants that responsibilty then you need to get away from him and take care of her on your own and then maybe find someone who will treat you both properly.

Goodluck hun, I hope it all works out for you!!

xx

[mumkc]

:hugs::hugs::hugs:
To me it seems like he takes your "begging for him to come back" as a sign of weakness - that you will basically take anything as long as he stays.

My advice would be to stick to your guns and enjoy the rest of your holiday. If he is still there when you get home then you have something to work on and counselling would definitely help with this. If not, then he is showing his lack of respect for you and your family. He is demonstrating that he is not putting a value on your relationship. Regardless, it would still be worth working out if he agrees to try to work it out (again with counselling).

The most important thing is that you are looking after your DD's best interests (and your own) and part of that is providing her with a good role model, both of a woman and a partnership.

It may be a tough path to take, but good luck!

[Brunfelsia Dreaming]

I agree with the other posters. He's trying to control you because he thinks he can. Seriously, you & your daughter deserve more than this man is offering right now. Stay on your holiday & tell him to go if that's how he feels. You said yourself he obviously misses you both so ball is really in your court to stick up for yourself and take back your power! If he stays he may treat you better?

[Petlover]

Please don't go back. Please tell him you will be back when you have finished your holiday and tell him you don't stand for manipulation. Please let us know how you go, I feel worried to be honest if you would give in to this controlling behaviour.

[crazymuma]

Sorry to say but it sounds like he doesn't want you anymore - he is either keeping you around for something he needs (house, money whatever) or he is trying to make you walk so he looks like to good guy.

Either way you need to wake up and if you can't respect yourself at least start respecting your child - this is not a healthy relationship for her to grow up with and the longer you leave it the worse its going to be for her when he leaves her life permanently.

Why are you so scared to leave him??

[missie_mack]

Hi this really can't be a pleasant way of living for either you or your daughter. If he deplores so much about you and your life why in earth is he still around? And why would you allow someone to treat you so poorly?

Don't you deserve someone who loves you for you? :(

[BabelFish]

He sounds like an extremely emotionally abusive jerk to me and I wouldn't be begging him to do anything except leave me and my daughter to find someone better.

Advice? Leave him. Easier said than done I know, and it sounds like he has already got you quite intimidated and dependant (which is how all abusive relationships start to go downhill) but I hope that the fact that you are questioning this means that you know it's not right and you want to make a change.

Don't let your daughter grow up thinking that this is how men treat women. Not all of them do, and your DH sounds like a prat. Get rid of him.

[Mum2Mimi]

huge big hugs hunni

i know his type,i live with 1 aswell who likes to play manipulative power struggle games occasionally so i would b a hypocryt if i told u 2 leave...

I ran over a nail on road a few months ago,i ran dp 2 tell him and ask what i should do...his answer ' fuk ur a useless b!tch u cant even drive a car without ****ing it' hangs up on me and sends me a text sayin pack ur sh!t and get out b4 i get home... I was lik wtf get over it,cost 30bucks for a patch ffs.

He did this kinda stuff all the time or if i was shopping and didnt answer my phone cause i didnt hear it or wateva he would send me texts that would slowly get angryier sayin hope u & mia are ok what tim will u b home bla bla to callin me every name undersun for not answerin cause i left ph in car or wateva the case may b...

Did 3months of intense councelling and he i alot better but does stil have his moments,he knows he on his last wicket though,also the councelling has helped with our communication,and given us skills,we were doin councelling 2days a week 1hr session
Give it ago and goodluck,

Oh also most places are pretty good if ur having financial difficulties and will help u out,u just need 2 talk 2 them, try relationshipsaustralia :)

I also do a 1hr ses once a week on same day as our couples 1
i hav my app 2-3 then dp comes in and we do couples for an hr, i find that helps me vent things im frusterated about

We finished the sessions 3months ago and so far no abbusive texts and we can actually talk without sayin mean things and 1 walking off and slowly the passion is coming back that we had b4 dd,this all start wen i was preg, we also now have a date nite so if things keep on improving then great but we r stil in early days since councelling so if he starts his cr@p again this was it im gone cause im not going back 2 ho things were,he treated me horribly throughout pregnacy,didnt even attend a single appointment,didnt cut cord when i gave birth,didnt show any interest in her at all actually i had 2 force him 2 hold her when she was 2days old 4 a photo then he threw her straight back, but as she got abit older he got better with her and now she has him wrapped around her finger and he just adores her

if u need 2 talk feeel free 2 pm me :)

[Pinkzy]

:hugs: Sorry to hear you're being treated so badly.

As others have said, what this man is doing is absolutely emotional abuse. It's clear he is trying to manipulate you and control you and that's no good for you or your daughter.

As hard as it is - I'd let him leave. Painful? Yes. Beneficial? Absolutely!! You and your child deserve better than this and the fact he is saying "if you don't come back right now I'll leave" is basically him saying "play my game the way I want you to, or I'm taking my ball and going home" :laughing: sorry if that sounds harsh but that's how I see it.

You're better off without him hun and trust me, it'll be his loss, not yours. Good luck :)

[Safire]

Hi Everyone. Thanks so much for your wonderful advise...Ive had horrible internet connection issues while im away so am only able to reply now...but here is what happened...

I stuck to my ground and told him I was not coming home. Beside all of this I have FOB who has decided that he would like to see our 3 year old again after not seeing her since just after she was born (she has no idea he exists) and he is wanting to go straight to 50/50 within 3 visits....We are in mediation but I will nee dto deal with this in 2010..so a break before th proverbial hits the fan was sorely required. I stuck to my word and didnt go home early! And Im so proud of me for doing it!

Three days before I was due to leave, my partner and I had a huge fight and I was actually able to tell him that I wanted him out of the house before we got home (so that DD didnt have to witness any arguments etc when we got home). He agreed, and I felt free! It was an amazing feeling...

Unfortunately when we got home..someone had forgotten that he had to leave....and is still there (so much for DD not witnessing the arguments). The wierd thing..he completely ignores the fact that he was a jerk and is acting as if nothing at all is wrong...He is being everything you could want - attentive, open, loving etc....problem is - I know its all a facade....

Anyway - I know what needs to happen...now i just need to develop the courage :)

Thanks everyone so much!!!

[mitty]

Just wanted to say congratulation for sticking to your guns, and i just wanted to wish you all the best with whatever decisions you have made. :angel:

[Mum2Mimi]

good on you for sticking to ur guns babe,please dont fall in to his trap though,its all a show and within afew weeks he will be back to his jerk self so dont start thinkin 'oh mayb he can change & it can work' unless he attends councelling and u do see a difference over a period of time
Goodluck :)