Love him as a partner... not as a dad!!

[lovebeingamum!]

I'm just feeling so confused at the moment and really need someone to talk to... :confused:

Was wondering if anyone else is/was in the same situation, or could give me any advise. I have a beautiful 6mo son and I'm still with his dad, but lately have realised that as a couple we are good, but as a family we are not. I don't know if I'm being selfish or unreasonable but at the moment I feel like I just want to do this alone. I think that I'd be fine on my own, but I'm going to try and give it everything I've got to make it work (we've been married for 11 months...), but I'm not sure I want to be with him any more. It would be eaiser if he was an a*&hole, but he's an okay person (and I do still love him), he's just really selfish as a dad... my life has changed so much, but his doesn't seem to have.
And everytime I think about what it would take to leave, it just seems so hard... where to live, what $ I'd have, packing up, moving, how to tell him I want to leave him...

Plus I don't feel he's that interested in his son... there's no strong bond there. I know the minute that DS is old enough to know his dad's not interested in him, I'll be out the door. :gloomy:

I told him last night that as a couple of 6 years, I'm happy with 'us', but feel we've got alot of work to do as a family...
The hard thing is the more he makes me sad as the father of my child, the more the love I have for him as a partner diminishes...
I'M SOOOOO CONFUSED!!!!

[lukaelmo]

Perhaps it is just difficult for your partner to be a good dad just yet. Your bubba is only young, and probably not hugely interactive just right now. I know the older the dude gets, the better his father gets, basically because he finds the dude more entertaining. The dude climbs all over him, makes lots of silly faces and loves copying the sounds his dad makes. When he was tiny, I was always shoving him in DPs face and making him say how cute he was, trying to get him to love him as much as I did...

Give your partner a chance, and give yourself one too. Relax a bit, perhaps get your partner to look after bubs while you go out, let them bond together without you there, so daddy is in charge...

[SweetSerenity]

Was wondering if anyone else is/was in the same situation, or could give me any advise. I have a beautiful 6mo son and I'm still with his dad, but lately have realised that as a couple we are good, but as a family we are not. I don't know if I'm being selfish or unreasonable but at the moment I feel like I just want to do this alone. I think that I'd be fine on my own, but I'm going to try and give it everything I've got to make it work (we've been married for 11 months...), but I'm not sure I want to be with him any more. It would be eaiser if he was an a*&hole, but he's an okay person (and I do still love him), he's just really selfish as a dad... my life has changed so much, but his doesn't seem to have.

Hey sweety!
This is exactly what me and my ex hubby were like to!
He just never took to the "family" life. I sacrificed alot for us to be a family and for me to be a mum, but he still seemed to have the same life as before our son came along.
I too constantly had thoughts of "I may aswell be a single mum seeing as he''s hardly contributing anyway"
Cut a long story short, i did end the relationship and although it was tough at first, im much happier and so is my son :D
IF you ever want to chat dont hesitate to pm me :)
Love Nat xx

[Chickadee]

I know the older the dude gets, the better his father gets, basically because he finds the dude more entertaining.
Yep, we had the same here. DH was always an ok Dad in that he would hold her or help me out, but as DD got older and became more of a little person they interacted more and more. She's 2.5 now and SUCH a daddy's girl. And he's great with her. I hope you have the same experience as your son gets older.

[ElizaDee]

This is good advice, I will keep it stored in my memory banks incase this happens to us. I know my DH has made comments before that babies are boring and he doesn't understand until they are like a little person and thier personalities start to show. This is what he says about his many neices and nephews. Its just a male thing I think. :rolleyes:

[Starlet]

I agree with lukaelmo and MarthaM, maybe ur DH isn't sure on how to interact with him, especially if he has not had much experience around babies. I remember my ex wouldn't hold our DS1 for the first two weeks because he was scared of hurting him.

Give him some time, I am sure things will change when your little man wants to follow ur DH everywhere he goes.

[reAllytee]

I think a lot of guys have the trouble of finding out where they fit in when their bubs are really little. I know DP did when Boof was first born especially as he would cry if he went to someone else so i was stuck holding a baby 24/7 so couldnt even manage to get couple time which hurt our relationship also.
Going from being a couple to a family is a hard transition & anyone who says otherwise is lying. Its hard work because before your have your baby as a couple you can do as you please, you have time alone as well as time with each other everything is carefree. Add a baby into that mix & all goes hay wire your barely managing time for yourself let alone to spend with your partner. Then there is the fact that being the mum it is usually our job to look after the baby so most guys do tend to stick with their routines like nothing has happened whereas we are trying to cope with everything. I still have a hard time accepting the fact that DP doesnt wake up to Boof crying through the nite if its a bad nite im often shaking him awake screaming for him to be a father for once :o Sometimes i do feel like im a single parent but when it comes down to it i know when he can he will help out but its annoying that i just have to ask i would have thought it was just standard that they do.
DP now spends a lot of time playing with Boof now that he is older & mobile this helps especially now that he is restricted due to his injury cause it means Boof can walk rather than DP carrying him all the time. I think now that they are able to interact with each other the relationship has grown which makes me a lot happier.
My DP & i are going into relationship counselling which will hopefully help me overcome the fact i often feel resentment towards how he treats fatherhood.
Im not sure whether this is an option for you but it can be a good idea if your feeling like things arent working. Sometimes it hard trying to talk when your both upset, stressed etc this way your both able to talk openly with each other & work through everything with someone who can mediate & offer advice.
Good luck i hope your able to work everything out :hugs:

[melbryan]

I actually left my hubby in the middle of the night with my 6 mth old once and it scared the s*** out of him, he became physically sick. I have never done this since but I was justified in why I did it though.
I feel I have a responsibility to our DS to provide him with a safe, happy home and I feel I can do this on my own. My hubby took no interest in his DS mainly because he was a difficult child (cried continuously) but now he is two they are great mates and he is a really good dad who enjoys his time with him. My DH never had a dad and I think my DS deserves two parents who are around for him and that show him love.
It crossed my mind to do it on my own cause I could easily. I decided to make time for us as a couple and me as an individual and this made our home life alot easier . I made up chores we both could do and stick to so he felt like he was involved I think I shut him out alot of the time.
Talk to your hubby about why he is feeling the way he is and work on some strategies together so you can all be happy as a family. Tell him your fears and maybe you can both work out why you got together in the first place.
My DH and I were inseparable but a baby in the mix just made it so much worse, we could give up or work through it. We love each other so much we tried to make it work.

[lovebeingamum!]

A BIG thank you to all the ladies who have replied to my cry for help!! This awesome website should be included in all pre-natal classes and as you walk out that hospital door... I know it sure would've come in handy over the last 6months!!!

After hearing what other mums have to say, I'm definately going to stick it out and give it a good go... make sure I have no regrets. I really hope DH and I can communicate and compromise to make our little family happy.
I feel that my biggest hurdle now will be not resenting him when he decides to have a role in DS life... it's not fair that I put in all the hard yards and he gets to sweep in when it's 'easy' and reap the benefits!! Any thoughts on that??? Or does that just sound selfish??? I should be greatful that he has stepped up, and if I'm holding a grudge, it doesn't make me any better than him, wanting to break up DS family just because I'm not happy... I need to put in work to make myself happy with DH again... Oohhh, the confusion!!!

I don't mean to keep gushing, but you really have no idea (... or do you?...) how good it feels to be able to 'talk' to mums about this. My mum and girlfriends are great, but unbias advice is the best.
:D Thank you :hugs:

[Chanelc]

Only suggestion I can offer is go away with your friends for the weekend that means Friday through to Monday morning and leave the little one with your partner.
It will give you a chance to relax - be pampered and not do anything!
Plus your partner just might realise how much work it takes to look after a little one and have the chance to bond. All you need to do is leave instructions.
You never know he might wake up and enjoy his time with your son.
Goodluck!

[lukaelmo]

I feel that my biggest hurdle now will be not resenting him when he decides to have a role in DS life... it's not fair that I put in all the hard yards and he gets to sweep in when it's 'easy' and reap the benefits!! Any thoughts on that??? Or does that just sound selfish???

Nah, that sounds really normal. The dude went through a little phase of preferring daddy, and I threw a bit of a tantie because I had done most of the work... I think I said something like "I have been BFing him throughout the night since he was born and his first word is DADADA? Are you kidding me?!!!"

Now though, I am just glad the dude is really happy with his dad, because it means that I get a break... and when the dude is upset, it's mumma he wants ;) .

[MonMic]

I just keep on saying this too myself still to this day.

MEN JUST DON'T GET IT:banghead:
I actually found it wasn't until both of mine were walking and talking that DP started to take and interest(he still leaves DS to me most of the time) They can't read baby body language and just ignore crying so it doesn't click with them, but give them a chance and they do pick it up eventually.

Being in a committed relationship and having kids is definately the hardest thing I have ever done. It pushes you to the limit of your endurance in every way physical, emotional, mental, and as women we expect our partners to notice when we are struggling and not have to scream at them for attention!

Men don't do babies, we see all these wonderful little things in them that th guys just don't get, but at about 6 months they really wake up (the bubs) and start to become alot more reactive and playful and by about 1yr they are able to play games so the guys really get them then.

You are suffering the change that all relationships go through when you have a bub, and it s*ucks but it is just a transition time and it WILL get better! at the moment bubs is completely dependant on you and the responsibilty is overwhelming, but as he gets older and does more himself DP will pick it up and you will feel better.

I think the clincher is that as people you still get on well, there is no abuse as such more like some neglect, which is still heart breaking but not the end of the world.

The best way I found to get my DP interested in the bubs is to give him a job , bathing was always easiest, make that his thing that he does every day, let him do it how he wants so he can own it and gradually he will start to see all the wonderful things you see in DS.

Take care
you will lbe OK
M.

[lovebeingamum!]

Just a quick update...
I decided to be assertive and let Dh know how I was feeling and what I was thinking (turns out he's not a mind reader... who would've guessed:rolleyes: ). I told him calmly, rationally and without starting an arguement (saying it was ALL his fault, he was ALL to blame, etc) and it must've scared the s*&t out of him!! He told me that he didn't want me to leave him, so he's really stepped up. He's been great with DS since and has put in 150% effort and thought.
I know that they've still got alot of 'bonding' to do, but like you ladies have said, the older they get, etc...
So we'll see how it goes... hopefully this new attitude is here to stay :)
Thanks again for your replies :hugs: