Pretty hurt by parents actions

[Gardenia2]

Im wondering if I should say something

When I had my DD I directly asked my mum to come up and stay because me and DH were to overwhelmed and unsure. well she came back with a no that my dad thinks DH should do it.

it hurt like hell but I got past it barely for the sake of my DD having a relationshp with them - which she does and she loves them and they love her.

They live 2 hours away and have made efforts to go to her daycare for grandparents day etc.

they recently drove up to see me after my recent miscarraige and were very supportive - granted it was a day trip but it was supportive of them

My sister recently had a baby as in 1 week ago. My mum rang today and was talking about the baby and I said where are you adn she said shes at my sisters staying to help her out

My stomach is churning it made me physically Ill. I dont begrudge my sister help and I want my DD to have a relationship with her baby cousin. Im just so hurt its bought up the old hurt

its like they are rubbing my nose in it - the excuse was my sisters DH cant get anythign done and he needs to fix up the yard. well most people cant get anything done when theyve had a baby - we were no different

I dont want to cause a big family blow up and hurt my sister

but I dotn think its mentally good for me to carry this around and just take it - my stomach wont stop churning it physically hurts

what would you do?

Gardenia

[kar]

Tell mum how hurt you are but not so your sister knows. Or wait a week and see if you are still hurt by it , if so do the above

[Tam-I-Am]

I'm so sorry :( that must be so hurtful :hugs:

I guess I wonder what you think you could possibly achieve by confronting your mum with this? She can't change the past, and in your current hurt emotional state, you're unlikely to be able to explain yourself without causing further tension in your family.

If you're looking for an apology - and don't get me wrong, you certainly deserve one! - you may very well be disappointed.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not telling you you SHOULDN'T confront your mother, but I think you need to have a real idea of what it is that you're hoping to get out of such a conversation, and how likely you are to get it, before you do something that may further hurt you.

Again, I'm really sorry :hugs:

[KatiesMum]

:iagree: wtih Tam

and also - maybe see it from the positive side ...

- she didnt want to come and interfere in your new family ... and

- she had confidence that you and your DH could do it by yourselves.

The confidence you have as a new mummy is easily shaken, especially if you have your Mum there to do things for you rather than doing it yourself. Yes - sometimes its very helpful, but sometimes it just slows down your learning and bonding.

She obviously doesnt feel that same confidence with your sister.

[Opinionated]

Things like that used to happen in my family all the time.

One day I cracked. I was sick, dh was away and I could really do with some help. My mum was busy, she was going shopping with a sibling. I lost it and said I hope they had a nice day, knowing that I am crying my eyes out and needing a little help. Nobody came, but things got better from that day. They had always taken me for granted because I am usually so self sufficient, unlike my siblings.:hugs:

[Gardenia2]

Things like that used to happen in my family all the time.

One day I cracked. I was sick, dh was away and I could really do with some help. My mum was busy, she was going shopping with a sibling. I lost it and said I hope they had a nice day, knowing that I am crying my eyes out and needing a little help. Nobody came, but things got better from that day. They had always taken me for granted because I am usually so self sufficient, unlike my siblings.:hugs:

Thankyou so you know what Im feeling then

Yes I agree an apology is probably not going to come and they will turn it around on me and make me out to be the mean one not happy for my sister etc

thats the situation im put in and it really makes me angry

the fact I just have to suck it up and be treated like the less deserving one

Yes there are positives and im a stronger person for it but the obvious favouritism hurts like hell. No one deserves such a kick in the guts.

I guess all I can do is vent here and to be honest im not keen to see them much at all anymore now it just has left a sick feeling I dont think I can overcome

[missie_mack]

What a awful feeling to have bubbling inside you. I too agree with Tam confronting it at the moment isn't going to change the situation. Sometimes it is better to give it time to settle and then talk about it.

[Gardenia2]

I'm so sorry :( that must be so hurtful :hugs:

I guess I wonder what you think you could possibly achieve by confronting your mum with this? She can't change the past, and in your current hurt emotional state, you're unlikely to be able to explain yourself without causing further tension in your family.

If you're looking for an apology - and don't get me wrong, you certainly deserve one! - you may very well be disappointed.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not telling you you SHOULDN'T confront your mother, but I think you need to have a real idea of what it is that you're hoping to get out of such a conversation, and how likely you are to get it, before you do something that may further hurt you.

Again, I'm really sorry :hugs:

Thankyou for your advice it gave me some clarity and they are good questions

I think I "can" explain myself without causing further tension once ive slept on it

something along the lines of

Hey it may seem like i am carrying this on however when we asked for your help when we had DD your unwillingness to help left us feeling x y z. Seeing you helping my sister with her newborn bought those feelings right to the surface and I been left feeling even more confused and upset about it. In addition to our recent difficult times in which you were really amazing, I just wanted to express how it made me feel and how it still affects me

Yes that should do it

what can I achieve - a great deal - stewing is toxic and is physically unhealthy. I believe verbalising will allow my family to move forward. Its not just me who is hurt my husband is hurt too. There is also the issue of my DD - we dont want her exposed to this favouritism or affected by it should they extend past actions to the offspring.

[biscotti]

:hugs:

Is it possible that when your sister had her baby that they might have said to each other, "oh gosh, we really didn't give Gardenia2 enough support when she had her baby did we, let's make sure we get it right this time" ?
Not intending any favouritism etc, just a genuine intention to make good?

:hugs::hugs:

[Gardenia2]

Yes thats entirely possible

i am the oldest child so that sort of thing has happened alot possibly

also his parents are very supportive so they are probably shamed into it also

there are alot of variables - its a sticky situation but there is obvious favouritism also

after sleeping on it I dont know if ill waste my breath im a bit torn - its something that if I let go on will ruin my relationship with them but also what is the point.

the sad part is for my sanity if I say nothing im going to have to wipe them alot as I cant bear it but if I say something I come across as the bad one - i cant win.

its a big tihng to think yo uhave to wipe yoru parents - I think ill head off to counselling

i

[funnyfarm]

I was just thinking to my self "i wonder if Gardenia2 is the older sister". You just answered that one for me in your last post. I think you will find that this might be part of it. They are still treating your younger sister like the baby of the family who needs help with things. Have they always been like this with other things aswell. Giving her assistance with things where you were left to fend for yourself?

I can see why you are stewing on it but it might be totally unintentional on their behalf.

Also, do they get along with your DH? Are they comfortable staying with you both over a couple of days or is their usually tension etc? If so, this could have swayed their decision.

[Tam-I-Am]

Yes thats entirely possible

i am the oldest child so that sort of thing has happened alot possibly

also his parents are very supportive so they are probably shamed into it also

there are alot of variables - its a sticky situation but there is obvious favouritism also

after sleeping on it I dont know if ill waste my breath im a bit torn - its something that if I let go on will ruin my relationship with them but also what is the point.

the sad part is for my sanity if I say nothing im going to have to wipe them alot as I cant bear it but if I say something I come across as the bad one - i cant win.

its a big tihng to think yo uhave to wipe yoru parents - I think ill head off to counselling

i

I guess it entirely depends on how you ask the question, you know? If you accuse, or assign meaning to their behaviour that they might not have actually had (ie tell them that they're favouring your sister, and they don't consider you), then it's likely to go down like a lead balloon.

Whereas if you actually ask, as though you were genuinely curious ie "Hey mum, I've been wondering - what made you think that [sister] needed help after her bub was born, but I didn't?" and after she's given her explanation, then tell her that it's something you've been feeling quite hurt by - that MAY go down better (I don't know, not knowing your parents)>

:hugs:

[Gardenia2]

I guess it entirely depends on how you ask the question, you know? If you accuse, or assign meaning to their behaviour that they might not have actually had (ie tell them that they're favouring your sister, and they don't consider you), then it's likely to go down like a lead balloon.

Whereas if you actually ask, as though you were genuinely curious ie "Hey mum, I've been wondering - what made you think that [sister] needed help after her bub was born, but I didn't?" and after she's given her explanation, then tell her that it's something you've been feeling quite hurt by - that MAY go down better (I don't know, not knowing your parents)>

:hugs:

yes your spot on!!

I went and got counselling today

we worked out tha tI was at a point that i wanted to resolve this issue

that is not cut and dry its not all bad or all good but I feel strongly about it

that I realise I wont get resolution in the form of change or an apology BUT my achievement/resolution in talking about this with them will be an increase in my self esteem which has suffered badly over the years due to this

that I want to bring it up but im very FEARFUL of doing so that I dont feel SAFE to bring it up with them

that I need to work out what is more important to me - that fear or my need to talk about it for me - what is the best resolution for "me" not them and what they want to keep the peace but whats best for me for a change

that the fear of repercussions is a powerful thing

but that I am actually coming from a position of strength - I have a good relationship with my husband, supportive friends and a beautiful daughter - my own family unit

that family is important to me but I have my own family unit now

that I should wait a few days to consider my options - I know what I want to achieve - speaking up - now I have to give myself a few days to come up with options of how to go about acheiving this -= ie: bought up casually over a coffee as a question or in a letter etc there may be others that may become clear over the next few days

Gardenia

ps.: does anyone know how I get this post moved ? It belongs Ive realised after talking to the psychologist in the emotional abuse area - I talked with her more about other things.

[funnyfarm]

ps.: does anyone know how I get this post moved ? It belongs Ive realised after talking to the psychologist in the emotional abuse area - I talked with her more about other things.

I think if you just PM a Mod and ask them to move, i am sure it would happen.

Good luck with everything.

[Erin21]

Im wondering if I should say something

When I had my DD I directly asked my mum to come up and stay because me and DH were to overwhelmed and unsure. well she came back with a no that my dad thinks DH should do it.

it hurt like hell but I got past it barely for the sake of my DD having a relationshp with them - which she does and she loves them and they love her.

They live 2 hours away and have made efforts to go to her daycare for grandparents day etc.

they recently drove up to see me after my recent miscarraige and were very supportive - granted it was a day trip but it was supportive of them

My sister recently had a baby as in 1 week ago. My mum rang today and was talking about the baby and I said where are you adn she said shes at my sisters staying to help her out

My stomach is churning it made me physically Ill. I dont begrudge my sister help and I want my DD to have a relationship with her baby cousin. Im just so hurt its bought up the old hurt

its like they are rubbing my nose in it - the excuse was my sisters DH cant get anythign done and he needs to fix up the yard. well most people cant get anything done when theyve had a baby - we were no different

I dont want to cause a big family blow up and hurt my sister

but I dotn think its mentally good for me to carry this around and just take it - my stomach wont stop churning it physically hurts

what would you do?

Gardenia

:hugs: Its ok! I would be looking at it as your parents think you are mature enough to look after yourself which is a good thing but every girl wants there mother there I understand that, Your mother must think your sister is incapible of doing things maybe? My parents live 9 hours away and are not sure if they are coming down when my baby is born it is upsetting because i will have dp family but not my own.

Dont let family stuff get to ya! I know its hard not to I understand!!

[Mellymoo]

Could be that your Mum regrets not coming to help you out, and didn't want to do the same to your sister ?

I would be annoyed too, but as other posters have said, what will it achieve by confronting your Mum about it ? You don't have to pick an argument with her, but if you feel the need to say something about it, perhaps just say to her you wish you had more help when your DD was young - say to her you think it's great she is helping your sister out, and can you 'book her in' in advance for when you have your next bub - just joke about it a bit, and gauge her reaction to that

You will find when you have your next bub that you will need a different sort of help, it won't be so much people coming to stay and help with the bub, it will be people taking your first DD off your hands, so you can look after the newbie.

Anyhow, you shouldn't be afraid to say something, if you sort of be a bit light hearted about it - you should be able to say how you feel to your family without them holding a grudge

Good luck anyhow !