no longer feel the same...

[neeshNgeorgia]

hi everyone,
well we still haven't moved to wodonga yet, though we have a house and a date, this thursday! yay. Well actually i thought i would be more excited than what i am. DP come home last week for 10days, i thought i would be more excited about that too, but when he got home it was kinda like "oh hi" and it's kinda made me realise that maybe my feelings towards my DP have changed since he has been away and i'm scared! actually really really freaking out would describe it better! The thing is, his been away for 6 months training and i'm so proud of him and greatful that he has done this for our little family so why am i feeling the way i am towards him? We fought for 6 days out of the 10 he was home and by the end of the week i was glad to see the back of him. This is so terrible and i can't believe i'm confiding in people i've met on the net but everyone else i talk to have no idea about being a defence spouse and u guys do!
I dunno u guys have done this b4 have u ever had these same or similar feelings when ur Partners have been away for so long? Is this normal and if not what should i do?
Thanks for taking the time to read.
neesh

[sharvs]

Hi Neesh

Sorry to hear things arent going so well. I cant really offer advice because I am going through a similar thing at the moment. DF is home for a month after being away for 3. He leaves in just over a week for an 8 month deployment. To be honest, i cant wait for him to leave. I love him and everything, its just really hard knowing you have to live 2 totally different lives. One with him in it, & one without. The hard part is having to switch overnight. DF & I havent been fighting, but only because I have been biting my tounge. He isnt doing anything around the house, or spending time with our son, only playing the computer. I just want him to leave so I can start the next chapter of my life. I have had alot of thoughts lately about whether this is the life I want. I've decided that now isnt the time to make that kind of decision. There are so many emotions that go through you when your partner is away & then again when they come home. Its hard to know whether you are Arthur ir Martha!

I think you get so used to being by yourself & having to do everything, that when they come home its like starting all over again. You are in a routine & havng them home interupts things. I think what you are going through is normal. 10 days isnt enough time for everyone to adjust back into family life again so dont be hard on yourself. It takes a lot longer for it to feel normal again. I know I havent allowed myself to get too used to having him here, knowing that he is about to leave again. Maybe it is the same for you? Everyone keeps telling me to enjoy having him home & make the most of it but it just isnt that easy, i feel sad more than anything.

Anyway, its not about me - sorry I rambled a bit!

Hang in there, keep me updated on how you are going. Remember, it takes time. Everyone needs to re-adjust. You are doing a great job, its a tough life!

Sharon

[Tiggerbaby]

Hi

I'm sorry to hear your feeling that way and it is very scary but beleive me like Sharon said 10 days isn't really enough time to re-adjust for either of you. I have just been through a very similar experience with DH being home after deployment for 14 incredible days. Its like bang they are here, then bang they are gone again. I have been in this game a long time and can't tell you it gets any easier saying good-bye, but your ability to cope with anything pretty much does. You do learn to to be tolerant of them when they are home and learn that communication is the only way for them to truly understand what impact they have when they are at home. Let's face it they are men and don't often think like we do, & about the same things that we do, at least that is what my DH says.

Defence Spouses are a truly unique breed of people who have yet to be fully recognised for a great deal of things but what you are describing is something that I call deployment syndrome, we love them, then miss them , then get angry & frustrated at them and then repeat the whole cycle all over again, like a mousewheel. What you are feeling is not that unusual or uncommon, trust me I have been through this what seems like million times, but not quite.

All I can say is that there is support out there and that I hope that this helps you a bit.

Regards
Leigh

[cjb/jbvd]

i am the person on the other end of the stick. i am the person in the defence force.

you mentioned that you did nothing but fight for six days. normal. completely normal. you have had to make huge adjustments in how your lives are run, and your role as a parent. you have been filling the gaps and coping without your partner for six months. it is normal to fight if your partner comes back expecting things to be how he left them. his role in the family has changed, and he needs to learn to fit in with that. it's easy to resent him for not recognising that things have changed, and him trying to mess up the family's coping mechanism. you and the kids have settled into a routine that hasn't included him, and now that he's back it's awkward trying to fit him in if he won't fit in with the new set up. ten days is not long enough for you to intitiate him into the way you have made things. and since this is his first "home and away" episode (hom then away then home then away etc etc) it's going to be harder. you haven't let yourself miss him too much so you can cope with him being gone. you've become alot more independant in a short space of time, and a bit resentful that he's left you the whole bundle to cope with and then just waltzed back in expecting the "heroes welcome" without recognising your hard work and effort.

on his side, he's come back, hoping for normalcy, and a bit of his old life, only to find it's all gone. so one of two things happens:
1: he withdraws and leaves you to it. this will usually happen if he has to leave again in a very short time and he's been in the army for a while. he recognises that his place has changed and it seems like there is no room for him to make an impression in such a short time. he doesn't want to intrude and then you have to pick up the pieces again when he leaves. he also feels awkward, and a bit of an outsider. his "life" that he remembers is not there, so what's left for him?? he just needs to be given small things to do to bring him gently back into the new order. get him to take the kids to school, or to their sports. he gets to spend time with them and fit into the routine you have made. the kids will need to be gently told that "dad just needs some quiet" so they don't feel like their dad is rejecting them. he will come around in about four days.
2:he throws himself into the family headlong and turns the place upside down. this is simply because he misses you, feels guilty for leaving you and is trying to make up for it all in ten days. so the kids don't get to bed on time, things don't get done, the house goes into turmoil. you can either grin and go along for the ride, or gently remind the kids about their routines. don't forget they are excited at having their dad back too. there's no point stressing about it too much as it will only cause fights as he feels like you are not including him, he is not welcome, or he's just interferring. things will settle down in about a week.

either way, things are going to be a bit rough every time he goes. the two of you need to spend some quiet time together, consolidating your relationship, before tackling the kids together. patience with each other is the only way you will get through.

best of luck.

[sharvs]

Neesh, just remember - if being a defence force partner was meant to be easy, everyone would be doing it. Only a few of us are strong enough to handle it. :hugs: