View Full Version : Abuse - and leaving or staying
Dp won't change his abusive ways, I won't leave. I personally would rather die than be a single mother. I love dhs help, I love me time, I love not always cooking. So I put up with his crap because I'd rather be with him than um alone.
He won't change, me being the victim I should leave but I'd rather not. So now that I know he won't change I just try not to **** him off as much, that way we don't fight. He has a short temper. I should be the normal sensible one to leave but I don't want to be single
and besides. He accepts the style of modelling I do, most guys won't let their wife pose for fhm, he let's me grace the pages of any thing I want. I won't find another serious guy like that,
WorkingClassMum
29-12-2009, 09:21
Dp won't change his abusive ways, I won't leave. I personally would rather die than be a single mother. I love dhs help, I love me time, I love not always cooking. So I put up with his crap because I'd rather be with him than um alone.
He won't change, me being the victim I should leave but I'd rather not. So now that I know he won't change I just try not to **** him off as much, that way we don't fight. He has a short temper. I should be the normal sensible one to leave but I don't want to be single
So you are in effect allowing your DD to witness abuse and as such increasing her chances of being abused, ruining her self image and her trust in you to protect her.
Of all this things you've ever posted, this leaves me completely gobsmacked that you have no care for your DD. If you have no care for yourself - that's your problem, but to allow your DD to live in an abusive situation is tantamount to neglect IMO
RoarsomeMum
29-12-2009, 09:24
So you are in effect allowing your DD to witness abuse and as such increasing her chances of being abused, ruining her self image and her trust in you to protect her.
Of all this things you've ever posted, this leaves me completely gobsmacked that you have no care for your DD. If you have no care for yourself - that's your problem, but to allow your DD to live in an abusive situation is tantamount to neglect IMO
:iagree:
It's letting the cycle continue.. it's WHY victims need to get support and Break the cycle. It's a perfect example of why.. so that in 25 years we are not reading the same bloody post.. From Sibelle.
Pippi Longstocking
29-12-2009, 09:25
Also, can I just say, as delicately and kindly as I am able to, that it would be really good to have this discussion without being derailed too much by Girly's personal situation? I'm not meaning to be rude at all, it's just that this is a really important topic and lots of threads lately have come undone when they have been taken off-track into Girly's personal life. Perhaps Girly it might be worth starting another thread where we can support you personally, and we can leave this thread to discuss the issue of abuse and who is responsible to end it?
LotusMum
29-12-2009, 09:29
Girly, your posts really really worry me. I realise that you dont want to leave for your own benefit, but have you really considered what this is doing to your daughter now and in the future? Shes is growing up witnessing violence against her mother and will think its ok. Do you want this for her? Do you want her to be in a relationship like yours? Its very likely she will.
Being single isnt that bad, it really really isnt, especially when you consider the other option of yours and your child's future.
I grew up in a house with huge amounts of arguements between my parents, I grew up with a man who was jealous and controlling my Mother, I grew up witnessing her pain, I saw what he did and how she felt, my sister and I used to cuddle in bed crying and very frightened by their fights. We thought it was normal.
It has damaged me.
I strongly urge you to think of your daughter if not yourself and do something about your relationship. She will thank you for it.
RoarsomeMum
29-12-2009, 09:33
I think when you have children, you have an EXTRA responsibility to address abuse in your life (or the legacy of it) Your the #1 person responsible for assuring that your child feels safe, loved, protected and stable as much as humanly possible. When we stuff up that job, we make the process of breaking the cycle 10 million times harder.. (like adding an extra weight to an almost breaking thread)
Not addressing it is like sending your child out with a loaded gun (that they are most likely to point at themselves :()
CHILDREN are never responsible for "breaking the cycle" and if our own families had stepped up, we possibly would not be either. :hair::banghead:
Why bother quoting me, dh would care for dd way better than I could, he comes from a good home, good family. She never sees us get physical. She's fully protected while he's in her life. And so I am, if I broke up with him, I would feel like the right thing by dd is to leave her coz he will raise her alot better than me. BUT I love her more than anyone else so I'd never leave because I could never leave her
MummaBear03
29-12-2009, 09:39
Dp won't change his abusive ways, I won't leave. I personally would rather die than be a single mother. I love dhs help, I love me time, I love not always cooking. So I put up with his crap because I'd rather be with him than um alone.
He won't change, me being the victim I should leave but I'd rather not. So now that I know he won't change I just try not to **** him off as much, that way we don't fight. He has a short temper. I should be the normal sensible one to leave but I don't want to be single
and besides. He accepts the style of modelling I do, most guys won't let their wife pose for fhm, he let's me grace the pages of any thing I want. I won't find another serious guy like that,
Is it abuse when both parties are violent to one another? And there's a reason most guys wouldn't want you posing for those mags. It's called self-respect. Men want women with self-respect. Your husband doesn't care, that's why it doesn't bother him. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't care if you don't respect yourself. You don't care if your child sees you being disresepected and disrespecting herself. How is that helpful to her?
And what's wrong with being single if it means having your dignity and having your child grow up to see you as a strong person who broke the cycle of abuse.
Theophania
29-12-2009, 09:53
Is it abuse when both parties are violent to one another? And there's a reason most guys wouldn't want you posing for those mags. It's called self-respect. Men want women with self-respect. Your husband doesn't care, that's why it doesn't bother him. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't care if you don't respect yourself. You don't care if your child sees you being disresepected and disrespecting herself. How is that helpful to her?
And what's wrong with being single if it means having your dignity and having your child grow up to see you as a strong person who broke the cycle of abuse.
Exactly what I was thinking. I think it is highly irresponsible and unfair to the child to be raised in a situation like that.
One of my closest friends was living in an abusive relationship for quite a long time. As an observer it gets frustrating, because you just want to say 'get out of there, you are worth more than this'. Sometimes i felt so frustrated with her because she chose to stay.
However, i knew (hoped) that one day she would realise that this wasn't the way she wanted to live and it would be her decision to leave. A stronger decision than if we kidnapped her (like we wanted to sometimes) and bought her 'home'.
Some of her friends couldn't stay and watch and turned away. I decided to keep up the friendship. Visit her at her place, have coffee or lunch out, and when times were right to see how she thought the relationship was going.
Eventually, she was able to leave for good. Even when you don't agree with people's decisions (e.g. to stay with an abusive partner) by keeping up communication and giving them a way out when they are ready (despite the frustration), you can help facilitate them getting to a safer place.
faroutbrusselsprout
29-12-2009, 11:39
Why bother quoting me, dh would care for dd way better than I could, he comes from a good home, good family. She never sees us get physical. She's fully protected while he's in her life. And so I am, if I broke up with him, I would feel like the right thing by dd is to leave her coz he will raise her alot better than me. BUT I love her more than anyone else so I'd never leave because I could never leave her
Do you really believe this?
You would rather an abuser raise your daughter than you?
I REALLY don't understand this logic?
Actually I REALLY don't understand your entire situation.
mummabec
29-12-2009, 14:16
kiki07, :yelclap: :thumbsup: Good on you for being such a good friend! I my step father was abusive to my mum and brother and sister and the thing that made it the hardest for her was that she had no friends to turn to. I truly believe that if she had a friend like you it wouldn't have taken her so long to get out!
I also agree that the abuser is the one who needs to change but in most instances will not, so it's up to everyone to support the victim and try to help them with their journey to leaving, because that is honestly what it is a journey. Its not something that can just be done it requires planning, and money and support from whoever is able to give it.
LotusMum
29-12-2009, 16:52
I totally agree with Beachmum.
How on earth could you believe that a violent, controlling, abusive man would make a better parent than you? Seriously, who gives a toss if he comes from a good family, hes not a good person and you know it. Your daughter would be raised in the same situation as you have been treated, except instead of you being controlled and abused, she would be.
I realise its hard to leave, but in this situation, what choice do you have? I hope you are able to understand soon before your daughter is too damaged and you have lost more than what your already have (i.e, your family as stated in another thread).
Please do something. Im very worried for you and your daughter.
I won't lie Girly - I have read MANY MANY MANY of your threads and thought *Good God!!! This girl is raising a child!!!*
I guess my thought is one of pure jealousy! I want a baby SO badly but know that NOW....right NOW is not the right time for DF and I. Anyway...then I read your post below and I just felt sad for you! So sad! Like a want to grab you and shake you and then give you a great big squezy :hugs:!!!
YOU ARE THE BEST PERSON TO RAISE YOUR DD!!!!!
YOU ARE A GOOD MOTHER!!! YOU DO THE BEST YOU CAN FOR YOUR DD - THE BEST YOU KNOW HOW!!!
Please don't ever forget that!!! You need to have convidence in yourself and your ability! Just because you hung with the wrong crowd before you met your partner DOES NOT mean you are less of a person or a bad person or a bad mother!!! That is not who YOU are!!! You can be ANYTHING you want to be!!! :yes:
You need to change your ways of thinking hun!!! You really do!!! :D
Why bother quoting me, dh would care for dd way better than I could, he comes from a good home, good family. She never sees us get physical. She's fully protected while he's in her life. And so I am, if I broke up with him, I would feel like the right thing by dd is to leave her coz he will raise her alot better than me. BUT I love her more than anyone else so I'd never leave because I could never leave her
Why bother quoting me, dh would care for dd way better than I could, he comes from a good home, good family. She never sees us get physical. She's fully protected while he's in her life. And so I am, if I broke up with him, I would feel like the right thing by dd is to leave her coz he will raise her alot better than me. BUT I love her more than anyone else so I'd never leave because I could never leave her
Who carried her for 9 months?
Who bf'd her?
Who's the first to change the nappies?
Who gives her kisses and cuddles for no reason?
Who kisses bumps and bruises better?
Who prepares the food?
Who feeds her?
Who washes her clothes and sheets?
Who makes sure she's happy and content?
Who wipes her face clean?
Who brushes her teeth?
Who bathes her?
Who worries about her future?
Who soothes her when she's crying?
Who puts her to sleep?
Who takes her to the doctor?
Coming from 'a good home' does not automatically mean they are a good person. :no: Equally, coming from a 'bad home' does not automatically mean the person is bad. :no:
Dp won't change his abusive ways, I won't leave. I personally would rather die than be a single mother. I love dhs help, I love me time, I love not always cooking. So I put up with his crap because I'd rather be with him than um alone.
He won't change, me being the victim I should leave but I'd rather not. So now that I know he won't change I just try not to **** him off as much, that way we don't fight. He has a short temper. I should be the normal sensible one to leave but I don't want to be single
and besides. He accepts the style of modelling I do, most guys won't let their wife pose for fhm, he let's me grace the pages of any thing I want. I won't find another serious guy like that,
i'm not sure what you are asking here hun. are you asking if you should leave your husband?
Lemonhead
29-12-2009, 18:15
I would rather be a single mother and show my daughter that women are strong and can take control of their own lives than to have her experience growing up in an abusive household and thinking it is okay for a man to treat her like that. It is a vicious cycle.
And no matter what you say about not fighting in front of her, she will know when you are not happy and kids have an uncanny ability to think they are the reason you are fighting, that they have done something wrong.
What is this stigma attached to being a single mother? Is it the fact you wont have as much money? You will have to do it alone? You wont have such a social life?
None of that is worth bruises and abuse.
anyhoo, i could never personally pose in a mag like that, its not my cup of tea, I prefer me with clothes on and i wouldn't want my children seeing me like that in future...but thats just my personal values i guess.
my point is, men can view those mags differently to how women do.
studyingECS
29-12-2009, 18:36
I feel sorry for you..not only because of the situation your in, but the way you are spoken to on here because of it sometimes.
It's not that I don't agree with some posters, you DO need to get out of there and realise that your DD shouldn't have to be around her parents toxic relationship for any longer then she already has. You NEED to beleive in your abilities to parent S by yourself, I don't know why you think your DH will do a better job, his actions towards you have proven otherwise.
Why bother sticking around in an utterly cr@p relationship just because you don't want to be single, when you can have a perfectly happy life with your DD. You DON'T need to be with him and you know why your staying and it's got nothing to do with love, it's about not wanting to be lonely. You already know what others are telling you. Beleive in your ability as a mother to raise S without your partner.
I am reopening this thread on the proviso that no more personal attacks are made on any member.
Bubhub is first and foremost a parenting forum, and regardless of any other fact, we are all here to help support and encourage each other.
Personal attacks are not taken lightly by the moderating team, and will be dealt with in accordance.
Please, stick to the OP and play nice! :flowerz:
WTFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!! i never started this thread, i said this stuff in roarsomes mums thread..umm lol whats going on:confused::confused:
WorkingClassMum
29-12-2009, 18:57
Actually Kate, this thread has been extracted frm another thread that was derailed IYKWIM.
i think you are staying cos you worried somebody else will not love you for you and support you.. partially.. and also it's pretty clear that he doesn't love you and support you in the right ways and as you say, that isn't going to change, so just wanna let you know there are a lot of great guys out there who would LOVE a girlfriend who looked like you and was a model.. and would have no issues with a mini girly who comes along too :laughing: I have a whole bunch of friends who have been single and found awesome guys the second time around who treat them a lot better and have no worries about babies and breastfeeding and tantrums.. some maybe cos they have kids already or from big families or are just wikid guys. they do exist.
also, i don't think posing for mens mags makes you some kind of self loathing woman with no self respect etc etc.. i just think it is something you like and are good at.. you told me before you don't do naked stuff right?
being single may be surprisingly empowering. you seem to like to do things your way and being on your own is a good way to go. think about it. I think it sounds like you think it will be "easier to live with it than leave" which sounds like the same argument other abused posters have been using on here lately. it might be easier now. but your daughter will grow up.
WCM do you know who started this thread, i swear i didnt...how werid
studyingECS
29-12-2009, 19:01
Actually Kate, this thread has been extracted frm another thread that was derailed IYKWIM.
The posts I was talking about have been removed anyways ..so I'm going back to edit.:)
Girly - A mod did.
WorkingClassMum
29-12-2009, 19:02
WCM do you know who started this thread, i swear i didnt...how werid
Your OP and subsequent posts have been extracted from xkwitz's thread on the cycle of abuse
KatiesMum
29-12-2009, 19:03
Somehow in moving things around, my explanation post has been deleted.
Girly's post was made in another thread about domestic violence.
As many replies were to her directly, and it was requested by several people, I moved her post to a new thread so that she could discuss that, and not let the other thread get off topic. This thread is NOT so that other members could make personal attacks against Girly - but to offer supportive and constructive advice.
Sorry for the mix-up
delirium
29-12-2009, 19:05
Girly...where do I start....
There is no shame in being a single mother, none at all. You can't change him or control his actions, only he can and if it means leaving him bc he won't change then how are you at fault?
My DH is far from perfect (just as I am not) but the day he chose my friends, controlled me and blamed me for violence is the day I would say goodbye. Do you not think you are worthy of love and respect??
I initially wondered what the point of your post was if you were blatently refusing to leave - but I think you are crying out for help. For all the superficial stuff about your looks you go on with, I think deep down you really don't like or value yourself. The physical stuff is just a mask to cover your feelings of worthlessness.
I'm almost 31 hun. I've been in an abusive relationship and have been with my DH for 14 years. So I consider I have a fair bit of relationship experience. Not ticking him off for the rest of your lives is going to be a little hard. You are going to be annoying, abrasive, childish, naggy, just like any other human being. Keeping him happy and placated just isn't going to work long term.
Do you really love him girly - I mean REALLY love him? and furthermore, do you think he REALLY loves you if he controls and abuses you?
I love him, but not inlove..:gloomy:
is it better im not inlove?
there is so much more to your relationship than a lack of love hun. there is the much more serious issue of abuse, love is the last issue to consider.
I love him, but not inlove..:gloomy:
is it better im not inlove?
I felt closely to the same way with my xDP.... I couldnt stay and be unhappy and raise my child with him as a partnership knowing I'd be unhappy
sockstealingpoltergeist
29-12-2009, 19:12
Girly, I left an abusive relationship, and I was a single mother.
I don't understand why you find the idea of being a single mum so repugnant? Is it because of what your peers would think?
There are lots of wonderful capable fullfilled single mums out there raising beautiful children, and it is far better for them then being in a houshold with abuse in it.
I think you have to worry less about what others will think of you and more about your DD.
You posted in another thread about how your DH put a big gold chain on you the day you met and said you were "owned", you do realise he seems to see you as a thing that he owns and controls and not as a the woman you are, one deserving of happiness and respect.
delirium
29-12-2009, 19:15
I love him, but not inlove..:gloomy:
is it better im not inlove?
:no: oh hunny, that makes me so sad. My hubby of 14 years really bugs the sh*t out of me sometimes but I'm still in love with him.
Why are you settling for 2nd best? Your DH can still have daily contact with S, you don't need to be together for him to be a father, and really, if he was a better husband none of this would be an issue right?
Where do you see yourself in 10 years with him? I remember a comment you made about when you met he put his chain on you and said he owned you and you were freaked out but flattered.... I think that's very indicative of how you see yourself - worthless and allowed to be owned. OMG if a guy said that to me, even at 16, I would have run for the hills like a dog shot in the butt.
I'm not sure anything I say is going to make a difference to you, I just wish you'd listen to us more. Things aren't going to get any better.
nothanksbye
29-12-2009, 19:22
you do listen and learn.
You have changed some pretty big views on here.
I remember some big changes.
You can do this. You are not just a pretty girl. You are not someones trophy.
YOu are a great person.
You will look after your daughter the best. You know her, you love her.
He doesnt own you honey, no one owns you. You will find a real love for you and then you will know how to let someone really love you.
He isnt loving you. He is treating you like a trophy.
florence
29-12-2009, 19:24
He isnt loving you. He is treating you like a trophy.
:iagree: and a man like that is seriously warped and gross.
Listen to Del... she is one wise lady with lots of wonderful advice....
I'll admit I don't get it either, I don't get why someone would want to be treated as a possession, disrespected and physically and emotionally abused..... and if you were a single childless woman, I would probably think after all the advice and support you have been given here, that you are a little nutty for staying, but so be it, only you have to deal with the consequences.....
But the fact is, you aren't a childless woman..... you have a daughter, who is a sponge, and impressionable young lady, who is going to learn all she knows in life from those around her.... the two that feature most prominently being her mother and father.....
What do you want for your daughter???? Do you want her to have a good and happy life??? Do you realise that children of violent relationships often perpetuate those cycles in their own lives??? Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking she is just an object for men, and that is perfectly normal to get smacked up the side of the head????
If you don't believe you deserve better than that, you have to at least, as a mother, believe that your child deserves not only a non-violent upbringing, but the chance of a fulfilling future..... Only you can give her that by changing the way things are for her now....
I know it makes it so much more complicated having dd...
He just left, I said the psych thinks our r/ship is pretty much over.
He is like well I'll raise dd and you just eff off. I'm like, Seriously, I'll N E V E R R R leave my daughter, she is sooooooooo attached to me, her MUM.
I said why dont we take it to court, hes like WHAT!, AS IF,
I don't know what to do...:dizzy:
don't let your daughter go hun
delirium
29-12-2009, 19:52
He is manipulating and bullying you. If you do leave, please keep yourself and S safe.
No court is going to award him custody and he knows that. He is trying to bluff you.
Stand your ground in a safe way girly. The first few months will be rough. But they can't be rougher than this.
I think he got with you at a time in your life where you were lost, confused and feeling horrible about yourself. I don't think you even know what a healthy relationship feels like. Your daughter saved you, he didn't.
Your daughter saved you, he didn't.
AMEN to that!
About 2weeks before I met dp I was sleeping with my cities BIGGEST drug dealer, who was screwing with my head. BAD!.
Then I meet this young boy my age (16) start living and playing like a normal 16yo should and he moves to another state.
Then I met dp...
Whatever chance I had regaining my innocent youth, I lost when I met dp. He has heard of Bob* the drug dealer, so he is already cut that we had realtions with each other. Which he for some reason still mentions to this day even though this happend before I met dp.
Dp is a convited drug dealer, surely the courts wont give him dd..
delirium
29-12-2009, 20:04
Dp is a convited drug dealer, surely the courts wont give him dd..
You are her primary carer. You will get custody.
Dp is a convited drug dealer, surely the courts wont give him dd..
i would hope not! esp with his history of abuse towards you. it will work in your favour
BUT seriously I come from a real bad home. LIke seriously disfunctional. My dad is an alcoholic, my mums been spent time behind bars, Ive been arrested for stupid things like fighting(with girls my age at the time 14) bottle runs, shoplifing..
:hugs: Girly
I also wanted to say the next thing not only to you, but to all those people who have jumped down your throat. It upsets me that some of these people have left abusive relationships themselves, but still chose to belittle Girly throughout this thread.
To be honest I don't know a lot about you Girly, but I have seen some of the stuff you have written over the time and while it shocks me it does not give me a reason to belittle you. People need to remember that abuse continues because it is a game of power. Be it physical, sexual, verbal or emotional - it is a game of power that more often than not makes use of very specific disempowering strategies. 'Telling a victim off' or any similar behaviour will do absolutely nothing. You will never be able to convince a victim to leave. Belittling the victim and calling her a perpetrator of the cycle is helping the abuser, not the victim.
Abuse works on devaluing self esteem, self worth etc etc. I think we have seen a very clear example of that in this thread. You are better off telling people they deserve more, showing them the light at the end of the tunnel instead of blaming them that it keeps on fading.
We say that people who leave abusive relationships are strong, resilient and a survivor. We never say they are now intelligent. We should never imply that the opposite is true. We need to help the victim see their own strength, resilience and means of survival, and when they lash out like an angry cat, we need to step back, remind them that we will catch them when they fall and wait.
Breaking the cycle of abuse is a test of patience. It is not a test of how well you can badger someone into doing what you know is best. At the ned of the day breaking the cycle of abuse relies on the victim to start to forgive him or herself, as they have more often than not, convinced themselves that they have deserved this treatment.
I am so glad that you see a better life for yourself Girly. I am so glad that you will support your DD through this time. I am so glad that you see yourself as a worthwhile person, a worthwhile mother who does not deserve to be treated with disrespect.
I desperately don't want you to stay. I hope with all my heart you can make this step alone, but if you need, I just wanted to remind you that there are people who will catch you if you fall. :hugs:
Wow, great post Ob
:yelclap:
(I also love your sig :) )
Looshkin
29-12-2009, 20:11
I know it makes it so much more complicated having dd...
He just left, I said the psych thinks our r/ship is pretty much over.
He is like well I'll raise dd and you just eff off. I'm like, Seriously, I'll N E V E R R R leave my daughter, she is sooooooooo attached to me, her MUM.
I said why dont we take it to court, hes like WHAT!, AS IF,
I don't know what to do...:dizzy:
Do you have friends or family you could stay with your family until you get SPP sorted out and find yourself a unit?
I live near you and volunteer at a womans refuge I can give you the details of that which can help with temporary housing and details of free social workers /counselors and other services you can access by going into CL and asking what services they can provide you.
If he has been violent in the past, you could get a restraining order against him and his family (not sure if memory serves me right but I seem to remember you having problems with some of his family?)
to protect yourself while you get settled and until he comes to terms with what is going to happen.
He can't just say - leave our daughter with us and eff off.. you can leave WITH your daugter.
delirium
29-12-2009, 20:13
BUT seriously I come from a real bad home. LIke seriously disfunctional. My dad is an alcoholic, my mums been spent time behind bars, Ive been arrested for stupid things like fighting(with girls my age at the time 14) bottle runs, shoplifing..
You were a minor. Kids do stupid things. The fact you came from a dysfunctional home only reinforces why you were doing that stuff.
You are an adult now, drug free and (hopefully :o) with a clear criminal adult record, no issues of abuse to your child.
He however is violent, has an adult record for trafficking and is not her primary carer.
Seems like a pretty cut and dry case to me. I would be talking to legal aid if you are eligible and getting some legal advice.
I have feelings for his mate...:(
Sorry I just had to get that out.
I have not taken a drug, had a fight or broken the law since I was like 16..:yes::goodvibes:
I seriously have feelings for his friend. I think thats why I am so determined to leave dp. I can't stay with him anymore, my mind is getting attracted to another man, so its definately letting me know its time to leave..
I have feelings for his mate...:(
Sorry I just had to get that out.
thats probably not a good idea right now. i would focus on you and your baby right now
WorkingClassMum
29-12-2009, 20:18
I think what happens is that people become angry - angry at the abuse, angry at the abuser and it just becomes easier for the anger to spill over towards the victim.
So often IRL and on here people ask for help, plead their case and then stay,
After awhile you get frustrated that you can't fix the situation, you get frustrated at your impotence and inability to just fix it and make it all ok for them, and for yourself too.
People get tired - the anxiety of knowing this is going on and you know it's gunna keep on happening.
You start to hope that if you get angry with them, they'll find their spine and pack up and leave.
I don't think anyone means to attack or belittle Girly and increase the torment, but we all become victims in sense and our emotions take over from our sense. We all want her have all what she deserves - a good life in a safe home with her precious DD.
We all actually want to empower her, but we do not all have the ability to communicate it effectively
I hope that all makes sense
delirium
29-12-2009, 20:20
You really summed up my feelings WCM :yes:
Phyllis Stein
29-12-2009, 20:21
I know it makes it so much more complicated having dd...
He just left, I said the psych thinks our r/ship is pretty much over.
He is like well I'll raise dd and you just eff off. I'm like, Seriously, I'll N E V E R R R leave my daughter, she is sooooooooo attached to me, her MUM.
I said why dont we take it to court, hes like WHAT!, AS IF,
I don't know what to do...:dizzy:
Firstly, don't let your DD out of your sight. :no: Leaving an abusive man is statistically one of the most dangerous times, for both women and their children. He thinks he owns and controls you, you're defying him and he will try and regain control - first through persuasion, maybe being extra nice, then if that fails, through threats and actual violence - please don't underestimate him, your partner sounds like a textbook abuser, and unfortunately they usually escalate the abuse when the victim tries to leave.
If I were you, I'd absolutely NOT tell your partner you are thinking of leaving, but plan carefully and make the move when he is out. Get all your important papers (birth certificates, passports, medicare cards etc) and stash them with a safe person asap, so you can leave in a hurry if needed.
Do you have friends or family you and your DD can go and stay with? Perhaps you could ring the domestic violence hotline - 1800 65 64 63 to get some advice and support on staying safe - it's a 24/7 service.
This is the right thing to do, and you can do it - you just need to be a bit clever in how you go about it, to help make sure you and your precious little one stay together and safe.
WCM it made perfect sense to me...:hugs:
Oh don't worry Im not going to pursue something with his mate, he just got out of jail after 8years. WHY DO YOU GO FOR SUCH MORONS GIRLY!!!!!!!!!:geek::hissy::hair::thumbsdown:
I have feelings for his mate...:(
Sorry I just had to get that out.
I hope that he cannot get into or read posts on your bubhub account. I would hate to know the ramifications if he saw that.
He sounds extremely controlling and abusive. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
Well last time when I left, he actually just left, I stayed. I'm hoping this pysch will take things slow and she can help us leave each other.
He is OBSESSED with dd. I don't think he will give up easy..
delirium
29-12-2009, 20:25
Very good advice from phyliss. Don't leave DD alone with him. I would carefully get together paper work, bank accounts, photos etc while he is at work pack a bag and get the hell out of there. Switch your mobile off, don't tell him where you are, and please take Zel up on the offer to look into the women's refuge.
I hope that he cannot get into or read posts on your bubhub account. I would hate to know the ramifications if he saw that.
He sounds extremely controlling and abusive. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life?
He knows. But thinks because im only 19, its just a crush, which im guessing it is.
He knows. But thinks because im only 19, its just a crush, which im guessing it is.
how old is your husband?
29,
he sounded a bit patronizing so i figured he was a bit older than you.
RoarsomeMum
29-12-2009, 20:42
Girly.. I am damn proud of you right now.. Just for having the guts to be You. and for WANTING the best for your DD.
Like WCM said.. some of us probably come off harsh some days.. our own issues get in the way.. but it's out of care, not disrespect.
WELL DONE on keeping the Psyc app!!!:smiliedance: Onwards and upwards.. and keep your strength (and chin!) up.
FiveInTheBed
29-12-2009, 21:01
S - I am sending you all the strength you need to eventually leave.
If you and E keep up the professional appts- hopefully he will feel it is less of a battle between you and him and more of a 'best senario' suggested from an unbias individual. ..you should (and I imagine do) have Sibels best interests at heart and the future is an unpredictable road - things if done right may lead to a situation where both families get to see her without tension.
Others have given you some fantastic advice and contact numbers to get started.
you are young - you CAN start your life over and look back on this and breathe a sigh of releif that you got OUT!
I know the fear...the fear of being single (I wasn't a mother at the time though)..but the fear of finding an identity when you have become 'part' of a relationship...the fear of him still being in your life an dcoming after you..the fear that can come via a phone call or a text (I even received abusive threatenting txts whilst my ex was laying in a hospital bed - blaming me for saving his life) ...the fear of the future - finding the strength to make it ALL come together and start over...but trust me and trust others on this forum where you have chosen to voice your truths ---- that the future is YOURS...it will get tough at times, but it will be most importantly 'free' ...free from fear. Free to grow, Free to love again, free to learn, free to explore, free to be yourself.
just getting the cogs turning in the right direction is such an important step S...and you obviously have support...you have people waiting to hear about YOUR future and the happiness you are sharing with your beautiful daughter.
...seriously sending you *strenght* :goodvibes:
Nx
sandy cheeks
29-12-2009, 21:15
Hopefully the phyc can help you guys, maby you wont be together forever but if you can put all the emotion behind maby you can work together as parents.
He sounds brutish like a ex of mine but from what you say he loves his dd, seeing the phyc often helps air issues I have found iykwim.
Dont stay cos you feel you have no choice its better to have two parents who dont live together but co-parent(or at the least not fighting iykwim) than two parents who are at each other, bickering and miserable all the time.
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