Taking steps

[Boobycino]

I think this may become the diary of how I left my DP - I'm hoping it will be the diary of how our relationship turned a complete 180 and we lived happily ever after. The only reason I think I'm not leaving right now, or not making the decision to leave is because I want to be able to say to myself and to Jasper in 20 years that I made the right choice and that I gave his father every chance.


So, we kind off had a talk last night - well... I talked... it didn't go great though, but I was proud of myself for pushing it as far as i did, its very difficult to argue with someone who's not looking at you, not talking to you and then blankly agreeing with you.

First I started about Christmas presents, but he was just being dissmissive of my feelings when I said I was really hurt - which upset me enough that I said "and you cant swear and Jasper and I anymore"

He smiled (he always smiles when I'm upset, but I think its like when I giggle when I'm nervous) and said "you're lucky I only swear at you"

I was pretty calm, though thats a horrible thing to imply, and said "you're lucky I dont leave you if you swear at me"

And then he swore at me 5 times - calmly and just to prove a point, I'm not even sure what he said. And then said he wont stop me if I want to leave, the door is always open (he said this twice more throughout the discussion, but calmly and smiling, just teasing me).

I stood up.... and if I wasn't in my PJs I'd have walked straight out the door, I've purposefully not unpacked my suitcase from Christmas, its full of clean clothes for bub and I.

I just walked into our bedroom, calmed down, came back out and said "i'm serious" and he just smiled and said nothing. So I scooped up bub and stood next to DP, he still wouldn't look at me, and I said very firmly "dont swear at me, dont swear at Jasper" and I saw him flinch.

He still didn't respond or look at me, and I just went and sat down and after bub was in bed DP was talking to me as if nothing had been said.

Time will tell if he listened to me or not.

But I've set it up, if he swears at me or Jasper now and I dont do anything, then he'll know I'm not serious and can carry on treating me however he likes for as long as he likes. If he swears again I'll go to a friends place and tell him I'm there for as long as it takes him to really think about what this means to me - as it clearly means nothing to him to swear at Jasper and I.

So... thats where we're up to.

[Boobycino]

So, this evenings bub was trying to get to the telly heaps and DP kept getting cross, and I kept jumping in and difusing the situation, redirecting bub etc - and bub kept throwing tantrums, as he's been doing ALL day because he's been trying to touch the telly all day today and getting pretty upset when he's told not to.

I went and had a shower and when I got out of the shower I heard DP shouting at bub, swearing, I heard the 'f' word twice before I stormed out - trying not to shout at DP because the whole point of this is not wanting to traumatise bub. DP was dissmissive, telling me he can do and say what he wants :ecomcity: completely not taking me at all seriously.

It makes me sick that anyone would ever yell and swear at a 1 year old!!! And I'm really embarressed and ashamed that I'm still not ready to walk out. I've been in denial about this for too long and a tiny part of me wants to crawl back into not being aware that this is happening - but now that I can see it, I can see he's swearing at bub and I on a daily basis. I dont know how I managed to ignore it completely. I didn't fully realise it was this bad.

I did tell DP I understand that I'm changing the rules on him so I'm going to give him another warning - as he's been allowed to swear at me for 3 years and bub for 1 year without ever knowing its wrong. I know thats a very poor excuse, but his family all yell and scream and swear at each other over absolutely nothing, they can fall apart swearing over who wants salad with lunch - which is EXACTLY the family I'm trying to avoid raising.

I dont want to be one of these girls who say "next time, if he does it again, I'll walk then" forever and ever... I'm not ready to leave... I'm calling centrelink tomorrow though... I'm also calling a friend and making sure her offer to move in with her still stands. My bag is still packed from my holiday, I might just re-stock it with clean undies and stuff...

I can't believe I'm really thinking about this.

[lochiebearsmum]

Chel, i have read soooo many of your posts and i dont want to upset you or sound dismissive of your feelings but i really dont think you are ready to or want to leave... dont get me wrong i know you are thinking about it but you continue to make excuses for him or the relationship... its great that you come here for support and we are very happy to give you that... i feel terribly sorry for you, however i really think you need to decide yes or no and make it definate or its going to have more of a harmfull effect on jasper than the present situation... jasper is better off to have a mum and dad that dont live together than a mum and dad that do but fight and continually threaten to walk out on eachother...kids are very perceptive and pick up a lot in another year Jasper will understand it all.... my advice is to really really consider all options and do what you think is best for you... happy mum = happy bub...

[Boobycino]

I do agree, I'm not ready, but I'm working up to it. I'm really feeling like its not a matter of when, not if, and Jasper's ability to speak and understand whats being said it my deadline.

Seeing Jasper refuse to hug DP when he asks for a cuddle freaks me out when Jasper is such an affectionate person he'll hug random people if they ask for it, but I can see he doesn't trust DP.

DP and I did have a massive talk last night. It was long and hard and we started off angry, somewhere in the middle I cried, and it ended really really calm and amicable.

But sad in the end. We both admitted in the end we're just not in love anymore and we've both been thinking life would be easier and happier without one another.

He thinks we can work through it, that its just a normal part of a relationship. I dont agree. Its normal for passionate and excitement for one another to have ebs and flows, but not loving one another is simply not a relationship. Its such a relief for me that he doesn't love me, how sad is that. I think we definately LIKE one another. I think there is also a physical chemistry for one another. Which felt like love for a while, but its really not.

His best friend wants to move in because he's not happy with where he's living at the moment, I'm going to suggest that DPs mate moves in and I'll move out, so that way DP can keep this place and afford rent.

I'm still not 100% ready, but a lot more emotionally settled about the idea. Change is scary. I'm still thinking it'd be nice to just pull back in and smile and pretend everything is fine. Which I guess is the whole point of having this thread - because I've written it down and put it out for everyone to read, so I can't just pretend I never felt this way.

[Super Trooper]

from what ive read from your posts - id say get out. sooner rather than later. it is harder being stuck in the 'i dont know phase' than anything else. once you make the decision to leave there is such relief and you can get on with your life. i dont think he will change. (but also i dont know either of you so of course you will be the best judge of that).

JMO, :hugs: for whatever you decide :hugs:

[MummyDaddy]

But sad in the end. We both admitted in the end we're just not in love anymore and we've both been thinking life would be easier and happier without one another.

There is your answer right there.

And in the morning - after that massive talk - what happened ... more abuse.

Start getting prepared and everytime you think 'maybe we can work it out' think 'Jasper doesn't want to hug his Dad because he abuses him. I have to get out before Jasper gets hurt'.

Once you start to change your thinking - leaving will be easier - it will be all you want to do.

I've left 3 relationships... and I know it's not easy, but trust me - once you are gone and through the hard part you'll start to feel better.

It's a bit like ripping off a bandaid. There is never a good time to do it - you've just got to do it and once you decide - you've got to do it as quickly as you can.

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

[Amara]

I don't think you are ready to leave yet. Why? Because you still have a reference to him as "Mr Sexy Man" on each post you do. The day I see that go, the closer I think you will be to leaving.

Something to consider while you are doing your planning. You haven't reached the difficult toddler stage yet, where their behaviour can get really challenging for the parents. Your partner's bad behaviour towards your son is very likely to escalate when that happens so if you are going to get out then the sooner you do it the better for all concerned.

[MummyDaddy]

Yes, and you also have 'TTC on hold'.

Change your signature and you might start to be closer to being ready.

[Boobycino]

I hadn't even noticed or thought about it. Its changed. At least its one small change I can control and handle at this point in time.

I also just had a long heart to heart with my mum, it was good. I think she's relieved. Shes trying very hard and she said it a few times that she doesn't want to influence me in any way, naturally she just wants me to be happy, but she sounded pretty relieved that I'm thinking about leaving. I feel validated by that. I still feel like in some ways this is all just in my head, but talking to people confirms that its not me thats the problem.

I'm worrying now about the cost of living and stuff. I moved out of home in with DP. I've never paid rent or a bill on my own. I've worked and given him the money, but never actually was involved in managing bills and stuff. I also will probably not have any internet access! :( I'll have to find an internet cafe to do my bubhubbing. I also absolutely cannot afford to stay in this area. I have a friend who I think I can move in with - though I cant get on to her, I'll ask her what she pays for bills and rent, as she would know! But if I moved in with her I can only really keep one of my jobs, and it would still be 45 minutes on two different trains and a fair walk to and from the station - but I'd probably need to work just that one day a week at least still. I'd have to quit my other job, it would just be impossible and not worthwhile to travel for 1hr+ only to work 3 hours, two mornings a week, starting at 7:30am.

How much support does centrelink provide? I have absolutely no savings. I did have a $4000 safety nest egg but DP talked me into giving it to him for the credit card - which he immediately maxed out again - I feel sick to think about that, this would be so much easier if I had my own money.

Also, how quickly do payments come? Because when I finished working at 37 week DP was unemployed and it took 8 weeks to get back paid for the 4 weeks where neither of us had a job, but I had savings which we lived off until DP started work, but obviously I dont having savings, so I dont have 8 weeks to wait for money to come through? Though I get $350 a fortnight FTB... and hopefully if I moved in with my friend she'd let me pay her back for rent/bills when centrelink came through...

I wish I had family nearby. If I had family nearby this wouldn't have to be such a major operation. I could just go stay with my mum for a few weeks and then sort out the details. At least I'm planning to leave DP with the furniture, I didn't pick it, I dont want it, I'm taking all of Jaspers clothes and things, and we already have seperate beds, so I'll just take one. And drawers and things like that I'll just take half. He has a van. I hope he'd just load me up and move me out...

I'm not ready.

[Super Trooper]

when i left i got payments within a few days.

you will get around $700-800 per fortnight depending on what you get for rent assistance. does he earn much? ..... you should be able to get child support also. do u have to stay where u are? is moving back to your mum for a while an option?

living on the single parent pension is tough, but its doable. how much is rent in your area? i pay $285/wk on my mortgage and i only work one or two shifts a week and i survive pretty comfortably :)

[Elijahs_Mum]

from what I have read on this thread,

Only u know what you need to do, its hard to just get out of it fast, and if you both agree u are not in love anymore hopefully that makes it easyer for you guys to get out slowly..

You CAN apply for centerlink saying you are broken up and are looking for a place, they give you about 2 months to find a place and they will give you your own money!
A friend of mine did that... and it worked out fine..
then u wont have to ask for money etc from him anymore but u can both move out slowly.
I dont know if thats anyhelp but good luck

[MummyDaddy]

I agree that it would be a better option to move back in with family - even if it meant giving up both jobs.

Then - get yourself settled, back on your feet and then into your own place.

Then you can think about all the things you need.

Why don't you tell him you're going on a holiday to see your mum and not come back...

I know someone else on here who did that...

[Boobycino]

My friend called me back - and through trying to offer me comfort and advice she's freaked me out a tiny bit more. She lives in a fairly dodgy 2 bedroom apartment in an area I wouldn't choose to live in myself, but I assumed it was 'affordable'... she's paying $420 a week in rent :eek: And also she said her exH isn't comfortable with her having housemates with her daughter there so she could only offer me somewhere to crash for 'as long as I need', but not somewhere to live. Which I do understand also because its not the biggest place for two adults and two children (her daughter is 18months old), its just when we'd talked about in a few weeks ago she said she was looking for a housemate because she couldn't afford rent, so I was hoping I'd have somewhere to live there... so thats a bit of a spanner in the works. I also under estimated by about $100 what she was paying in rent.

I've looked in this area rent for 1 bedroom apartments starts around $350 but quickly jumps to $400+ which is just madness.

I cant just go stay with my mum either, as she's currently living at her mothers house - as is my uncle - I stayed there for a week and that was long enough with 4 adults, a baby and 2 german sheperds in a house that has two flights of stairs which bub LOVED and is sooooo far from baby safe, or even really baby safeable.

My dads isn't an option - though he has 4 spare bedrooms as he lives in the middle of no where and I dont drive, theres no public transport and I dont get along with his wife.

My brother would take me if he's in need of a housemate, and that would be nice, but not really a Jasper-friendly home as he smokes inside.

Its hard not really having anywhere to go.

Makes me a tiny bit more willing to give couples councilling a chance....

[Larski]

Hey Chel, things sound like they're moving very fast. Let me know if you need a hand with anything. I'm moving soon (in with a friend) and am planning to put two bedside tables out on the street, and a washing machine, and possibly some other things. Everything is fine/ working, just a bit old. The rest of my stuff is going into storage. And I can help you with any advice about paying your bills or managing practicalities that seem a bit daunting at first.

But if you're not ready, thats fine too, maybe you just want a chat.

P.S. I'm glad you changed your signature to refer to yourself as being sexy... I dont know what you've been doing lately but you're looking smokin'!!!

[Larski]

Sorry babe we were posting at the same time. Prices are crazy hey, it makes it very hard to move out alone. Try the space 4 website which is share accommodation for single parents.

But perhaps you should give counselling a go anyway - at least you'd know you tried everything. Also another few months at home might give you a chance to save some money of your own?

[Boobycino]

Yeah, I think we should still try. By the amount of anxiety thats come up just thinking about taking serious steps, I'm not ready. I wish I loved him and he loved me and we could work through the other 'stuff', but its exhausting to think that we have to work on loving each other and then we get to even think about everything else. I THINK after our talk last night he'd be willing to see someone now, where he hasn't wanted to before - he did change his tune fairly significantly when he understood I wasn't 'threatening to leave', but I'm seriously thinking about walking out. Also getting therapy cant hurt for either of us, we've both got HEAPS of issues, together and seperately. It'd be nice to make this as clean and tidy and break up as possible, because at the end of the day we're always going to be Jasper's parents.

Oh, and thanks Larski, I'm feel pretty sexy lately, getting a hair cut, blonde foils, losing 5 kilos, getting a serious tan (by accident I swear! I got sunscreen off my mum for christmas because I dont want cancer :yes:) getting new clothes that aren't maternity/too big/too small helps! Also any time I've been out with girls lately I cant walk 6 steps without being approached by actually quite attractive men - so I think I'm having a rush of self confidence to fuel this attitude that i really dont NEED him (though financially I'm feeling like I do :( ).

Its also very very frustrating that me losing weight and looking better just makes DP whine about getting fat himself. I find that really annoying that EVERYONE else can see I've been taking care of myself and I look nice (not to be concieted!) except for him. Yet he wouldn't hesitate to tell me when I look like crap.

I think I need to form a really solid plan - where I'm going to go, how I'm going to get by, what I'm going to do, because I feel really trapped.

I feel exhausted just thinking about it. But I feel really unsettled thinking about staying. Councilling is a good idea, I want to know we're making the right choice.

[Boobycino]

Umm... this is embarressing because I completely have absolutely no idea, not even a ball-park figure...

whats bills cost? like water and electric? in like a 1 bedroom apartment?

I just realised I dont even know how much my mobile phone plan is. I think its $40 a month, but DP just takes care of everything and always has.

Also currently I'm probably spending about $150 a week on groceries, though I can imagine I could bring that down, as obviously I'll only be feeding 1 and a half people and DP doesn't eat left overs :rolleyes:

We also probably have enough furniture between us that I could take enough for a small 1 bedder and you probably wouldn't notice I'd taken anything out of this one.

I can get a smaller 1 bedroom in this area for $320 per week, so I'll work towards that figure. Theres a building where I've looked at 1 bedroom apartments there before and they come up fairly often around that price (theres one right now) they're teeny tiny, but the building is secure and theres a roof top BBQ terrace, swimming pool, and gym, and its walking distance to work, so that works for me.

I'm trying to put together a budget, I'll feel better if I can see how this will work.

[lochiebearsmum]

wow!! rent is expensive... where abouts are you... im north of brissy and you would get a three bedroom house for $320

[Boobycino]

In Sydney, rent is just disgusting here. I saw online a 3 bedroom, two story home for $350 per week :eek: mums on the gold coast. I dont think I would move interstate with bub though.

[Boobycino]

Well, new years was emotional!

DP and I went out together as bub was having his first ever sleep over with DPs parents last night to give us the night off. We met up with another couple, the girl is DP's bestfriend, though she's the one who's supported me the most about if/when I need to leave him, she's got my back, which is great. So I felt really supported and loved by her and then with a bit of alcohol and just actually having heaps of fun and being in a genuinely good place, DP and I left the bar and went for a LONG walk (probably spent about 3 hours walking and talking - so we were both perfectly sober by the end of it, because neither of us were drinking heavy)

Neither of us are happy, we've both been thinking about leaving, we've both felt out of love since Jasper was born, we've both felt similar emotions about being trapped and restless and just not sure what we're doing together. We decided somewhere in all the talking to break up and it felt like a huge relief and then we talked through everything - he was happy to leave and find a new place, but I'd rather leave because I feel like this is his apartment, he's happy to help me find a place, show me everything with getting a lease, paying bills, all that. He assured me that he'll always support me and Jasper. etc etc etc.

Then we both got sad and cried. We were holding hands really tightly the whole time we were talking, it was really emotional.

And by the time we got home around 4am DP was promising he'll do better, he'll try harder etc. which I do find really hard to trust and I told him that - it was great, we weren't holding back, it was painful, but once we were just completely honest with each other is was such a relief.

We're going to get councilling. Absolutely. A few days ago DP was saying "oh no, we'll be fine, we can work this out on our own" but now he wants it. Today he told me he'll support me if I want to leave if that will make me happy but while I'm still here he'll fight to keep me. So he's taking it seriously now.

I still dont know how this is going to turn out. I dont trust him. I'm scared of letting myself fall in love with him again. But at least I feel like there are two adults in this relationship. I didn't have the energy to 'save' this relationship on my own. But it seems as though maybe he's realised I'm something he doesn't want to lose.

I'm still not 100% sure, even after talking last night I still got up this morning and has another look for 1 bedroom apartments in this area. We did talk about having a 'break' rather than a 'break up', which still might be a good idea, because I feel like I need space to find myself, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Anyone know any good marriage councillors in North sydney area? Or in Sydney in general?

[Larski]

:yelclap: what a breakthrough Chel! Thats awesome - its like he listened and took you seriously and acknowledged some responsibility for the first time.

The new year can be a bizarre time - I guess the good but scary thing to know is that this time next year, things will be different for you. One way or another, life will be different.

I'll help you find someone good for counselling in your area. I know Jo Lamble is great for relationship counselling - ignore her on Sunrise, this is apparently where she really shines. But I'll find out some more names for you.