Husband having an emotional affair

[mumkc]

I have found out today that my husband has been pursuing a relationship by phone / sms with an ex-girlfriend. He assures me that it has not progressed to a physical level and that basically he was only participating because it felt good.

It has been going on for two weeks. We have an 18 month old and ... wait for it ... I am 14 weeks pregnant. We are already seeing a counsellor because of the lack of intimacy (sexual - from his part - and emotional) but other than that things were, I believed, good.

Finding out about the emotional affair has made me question our whole relationship and made me realise that our relationship is based on me making life easier for him and putting all the effort in to make things work. He has not done one thing that the counsellor has asked.

He is a great father and has never abused me in any way. However I just feel that I should walk away as he can not or won't do what the relationship needs to work.

Not sure if I am looking for advice or opinions but needed an anonymous forum to rant.

[amiee]

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

Sending you lots of hugs

[kribby]

sending you lots of :hugs::hugs::hugs: emotional can sometimes feell worse than physical especially if he's not working on your own relationship!!! i hope things can work out for you whichever way you choose to go!!! :santa: have a merry christmas

[Bellini]

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

It is concerning that he has not done anything the counsellor has suggested, on top of engaging in an affair (whether it be emotional or physical).

Don't feel obliged to stay just because he hasn't abused you before, and because of his good fathering skills. He needs good husband skills for a marriage to work. I'm wondering if you should sit down with him and bluntly ask him what his intentions are - does he want to make it work or not? If he says he wants to make it work, point out that his behaviour says otherwise (i.e.: not doing things the counsellor has suggested).

I seriously hope he has cut ALL ties with his ex.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation :(
I hope everything works out for you.

[Mathermy]

I'm really sorry this is happening to you :hugs::hugs:I hope things work out in a way that works for you.

[codswallop]

sending you warm happy vibes
i think id rather DH to have a completely physical affair (sex is sex) with a nameless woman then a emotional affair with some one
good luck

[europa]

:hugs::hugs: Sending you warmest hugs.

No suggestion from me. It must be hard finding out that our loved one is emotionally hooked to other woman.
I hope things work out for you in the end. I hope it's just a short term fling and he'll come back to you.



sending you warm happy vibes
i think id rather DH to have a completely physical affair (sex is sex) with a nameless woman then a emotional affair with some one
good luck

I agreee A meaningless sex with a woman/a prostitute or one night stand - as long as he doesn't contract any STD and give it to me, is not as painful as emotional affair.

[Wilby]

:hugs: to you. I guess from my point of view, whilst you say he has never abused you, to me pursuing an ex is abusing your trust and your relationship. I cant offer advice as to what you should do, but I would ask you to think about the trust issue. I hope that you can work out what is best for YOU and your children.
:hugs:

[Lastcenturymum]

:hugs::hugs::hugs:

It is concerning that he has not done anything the counsellor has suggested, on top of engaging in an affair (whether it be emotional or physical).

Don't feel obliged to stay just because he hasn't abused you before, and because of his good fathering skills. He needs good husband skills for a marriage to work. I'm wondering if you should sit down with him and bluntly ask him what his intentions are - does he want to make it work or not? If he says he wants to make it work, point out that his behaviour says otherwise (i.e.: not doing things the counsellor has suggested).

I seriously hope he has cut ALL ties with his ex.

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation :(
I hope everything works out for you.


Couldn't have said it better. I think it's an insult that he is treating you like this, shows no respect for you, his child and unborn baby. Maybe he will realize what he had once it's gone.

Big hugs to you, it's a horrid situation to be in. :hugs::hugs:

[LotusMum]

Im sorry you are going through this, especially so close to Christmas.
As hurtful as it is, esp with everything else going on, a postive thing is that it seems he was open and honest with you when discussing it. He told you he only did it because it felt good.
Well, lets face it, someone wanting you, finding you attractive, and playing at a relathioship is fun, its exciting, and it does make you feel good, especially if other things arent so good in reality. It seems like at this stage it was no more than an ego boost and an escape from what is going on with you to.
Please do not in any way take this as sticking up for or excusing his behaviour. Its is not. It was incrediably wrong and hurtful. Im just trying to help you see there may be a reason behind it other than, shes hotter than me and he wants her more. Its very easy to 'fall for' another person when its simply in this method as that person doesnt have to be in actual reality with them, they dont ahve to wash their clothes, listen to their rubbish, be there for them when the chips are down. They are simply fantasy, even if you already know the person. Its not real.
All that said. You must sit down with him and talk to him about it, as a PP said, you need to be blunt, ask him what he wants. If he wants you and your children, then make him proove it. Let him know, this is rock bottom, either you both work hard now, or its the end. He MUST do as the counsellor suggested and he MUST make a deal to have absolutely no contact with this other woman, he must delete and prove that he has gotten rid of all her contact details. He must let you know when or if she contacts him. He must let her know that he knows he was behaving wrongly and he wont be contacting her anymore and he doesnt want her to contact him. Get him do it in front of you if you wish. Deals have been broken in your relationship and hes hurt you, but if you both want your marriage to survive, it can, you just have to work hard in making all actions transparent to each other and to expect that it will be hard.
I say this, as I have gone through similar and we are coming out the other end. However our issue was not over the phone with an ex, but on facebook.

[mumkc]

Thank you all for your messages. I never thought this would happen to me, and if you asked anyone who knew him they would say the same.

He has said he will do ANYTHING to fix this, but he will not show me the messages they exchanged. As far as I am concerned this means that he is hiding something more from me, perhaps a physical affair, and therefore for me it is over. I have given him a couple of days to move out and have told his parents, who are trying to counsel us by suggesting we "move forward". He has always ranged from a little to a lot emotionally unavailable and for me I just don't think the effort is worth it.

Thank you again for all your responses. Whilst I don't think mine will be great, I wish you a happy Christmas.

[c2p08]

my dp did this twice this year, the first time i just dismissed it as a mistake, the second time i gave him the choice, shape up or ship out. for him, it was just about an ego boost, he has really crappy self confidence.

you need to discuss this with your counsellor and get some advice, i did and she helped me alot, bascially gave me the words that i was finding hard to say to dp without yelling.

good luck, its not nice.
*hugs*

[MumNeedsCoffee]

Thank you all for your messages. I never thought this would happen to me, and if you asked anyone who knew him they would say the same.

He has said he will do ANYTHING to fix this, but he will not show me the messages they exchanged. As far as I am concerned this means that he is hiding something more from me, perhaps a physical affair, and therefore for me it is over. I have given him a couple of days to move out and have told his parents, who are trying to counsel us by suggesting we "move forward". He has always ranged from a little to a lot emotionally unavailable and for me I just don't think the effort is worth it.

Thank you again for all your responses. Whilst I don't think mine will be great, I wish you a happy Christmas.

:hugs: I assume when he said he would do ANYTHING to fix this, you would have said 'well show me the messages then'

What's his explanation for this?
Is it possible that he's trying to spare you further hurt? Or that he had a bit of a vent about you to her and that's what he doesn't want you to see?

[BitterSweet]

Sending you lots of hugs :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs: Hope you can get through this.

[c2p08]

Thank you all for your messages. I never thought this would happen to me, and if you asked anyone who knew him they would say the same.

He has said he will do ANYTHING to fix this, but he will not show me the messages they exchanged. As far as I am concerned this means that he is hiding something more from me, perhaps a physical affair, and therefore for me it is over. I have given him a couple of days to move out and have told his parents, who are trying to counsel us by suggesting we "move forward". He has always ranged from a little to a lot emotionally unavailable and for me I just don't think the effort is worth it.

Thank you again for all your responses. Whilst I don't think mine will be great, I wish you a happy Christmas.

make him show you he cares by being faithful and all that crap.

my dp did exactly the same thing yours has done and after 3 months he is honestly trying very hard, he hasnt spoken to her in ages, i have full access to his phone, phone bill (hes on a plan), and all internet accounts. i dont feel the need to check up on him anymore and now hes realised how much i was hurt he hasnt done it.

[mumma sienna]

sweetie... this is terrible and you must be devastated! i agree that emotional affair is worse than physical!!!! however the fact that he won't show you the messages, i agree that it probably is physical aswell... sorry! if he has come clean about the talking, then why can't he show you what was exchanged between them?he has something to hide! i have been cheated on in the past (physically) and i demanded to have access to his phone, internet, bank account statements etc.... if there is nothing to hide, then they shouldn;t have a problem with you having access!!
IMO he is a fool for doing this to you and at the end of the day he will be the one that loses, not you!! if you want to work things out with him, you need to know exactly what has gone on, so demand to see the messages, or even to call the ex (last option!!).... then you will get the whole story!
Try to enjoy your christmas with your little one and the one growing in your belly! at the end of the day, life is what you make of it, so make some great fun and good memories for yourslef and your child! good luck, sorry if this was very straight to the point! big hugs!!

[mumkc]

Hi again

Update

He came to visit our son today. We chatted for a long time. He told me exactly what the exchange between them was, which was him reminiscing on the past (which he agrees encouraged her) and her doing the same as well as pushing it a bit further. It was not physical, the reason he did not show me the emails is that he is so embarrased for what he has done (he is usually a real gentleman).

I do believe him, as he is a crap liar. He is also very naive and he got sucked in. This is no excuse for his behaviour, so don't think I am backtracking. He has begged me for another chance, and that he will sort out his issues. He has admitted/realised that he is selfish and spoilt and was taking me for granted. I have told him that he has to go and sort himself out before we can be together again, and even then it depends on how I feel when he gets there. I have not guaranteed him anything and he is certainly not to live here during the process.

I spoke to our counsellor and she thinks everything I am doing is "right". She has emphasised that I have to stick to my guns, which I most certainly will. I'd rather be happy alone (with my 1 1/2 kids) than in an unhappy relationship. Thankfully I am a very strong person.

Again thank you all for your advice and kind words. I have told a few real world friends so have a great support system, but it has been great to have unbiased views.

I hope you all have a great Christmas.

[LotusMum]

I stronly feel there is a happy ending for you in all this. I have just gone through and am still growing through similar stuff right now.
I left my husband and moved into my own home and he has been seeing a counsellor and working real hard to fix things.
While these things are extremily painful, they are not necessarily the end of a relationship, we all make mistakes, we all do stuff at some stage that isnt the best choice. It would have all been for selfish ego reasons and had nothing whatsoever to do with his feelings for you, just a bit of extra confidence building. Definatly not ok though.
I hope you both manage to work things out for the best, either way.