Expectant Father needing advice/support

[polair61]

Hi all;

I'm not really new to this forum, I've been on earlier this year when my then fiance and I were expecting our first child.

It turned out to be a failed pregnancy and resulted in our bub not making it past the 13-14 week mark.

I'm in a dilema at the moment, and just need to get this off my chest - I hope this is the right part of the forum.

My wife and I recently married in October, and since our loss in July, we spoke about trying again for another baby. Things were looking up - we even put an offer on our first home. We've discovered that we are expecting again.... - Although extatic, my wife has sought for an abortion saying that I wouldn't be able to cope with a mortgage and a baby in the house, especially after my wife goes on maternity leave in July of 2010.

This topic has really torn both of us, and has put a real strain on our relationship with one accusing the other that it's the house or the baby.

I for once am trying to be so positive, by checking out both our finances and checking if we'll struggle with a bub and a mortgage... However, she rants, raves, and gets upset when I refuse to give up.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive, about maintaining a loan and supporting my wife, and soon our baby... I'm running out of strength, it's really draining me out - any help/advice?

G

[Lemonhead]

Im a mum too :o sorry lol.

DP and I were 19 when we had our son. We had no savings, he earnt $250 a week and we had a $200 rental to pay for a week. On apprenticeship wages and me not working we STILL managed. Babies really arent expensive. You dont need to get designer clothes and pricey furniture, you can do it so cheaply and babies dont know/care how much something cost. If you really dont think you could afford the mortgage then could you sell up and rent for a bit until your wife feels ready to go back to work and then when you have 2 incomes again maybe look at buying.

All babies need is love, food in their bellies and the knowledge that they are wanted. Everything else falls into place, trust me :). A house is a form of security and pride for some people but the joy and love and the journey of becoming a parent make that bricks and mortar nothing in comparison.

Good luck.

[polair61]

im a mum so im sorry if u were after a man.... but i thought u may need someone to talk too....

just curious if she is maybe a little upset and scared that she may lose bub again? maybe she feels she couldnt go through it again so it should end on her terms?

it sounds like u have your heart in the right place and u need a pat on the back for that as a lot of men dont accept the responsibilities of being a partner and parent.

has there been enough affection in your relationship as buying a house and getting married and having kids is very stressful and people tend to lose track of the last time they went out for a romantic evening etc etc

maybe she just needs to KNOW that u love her and u really want to support her through out the pregnancy so u can feel your son or daughter grip their tiny hands around your finger or something.

i dont no... hope im helping :confused: please message me anytime as i would love to help u out and i dont mind being vented upon lol

tal :wave:

Thank you so very much for taking the time to reply - I don't mind who replies at all - I appreciate even the smallest bit of advice.

I'm new to all this - about being an expectant dad, to owning a home of our own. And I owe it to my wife, that I enlist in support if that makes sense - to "guide" me a bit on what I need to do, or find out what I am lacking.

I want to do all that I can to support my wife - but there are times where she will just "blow" and yell at me and at times become physical - hitting me. That's not an issue, I can put up with that. What I can't put up with is the negativity of her wanting to abort our second pregnancy all because she thinks we cannot survive with a mortgage and a baby.

Keeping in mind, that our mortgage isn't the biggest people would expect to see - we found a place we could safely call home - and awaiting un-conditional approval for the loan now.

She is persistent she doesn't think it will happen again, she assumes that I cannot handle the entire burden of paying off a mortgage etc when she is on maternity leave - and she just starts all these what if's which for her is so unusual - she is always the positive one......

Affection is as dead as anything despite all my efforts to try and do so many romantic things (within reason and not over crowding her)... There is no affection since our loss - our wedding was the best day - but she was still not happy and probably will never be happy.

I would never forgive myself if she did terminate the one chance we had of having this child - carried to full term rather than losing it... I am torn and heart broken enough as it is - I'm a guy and embaressed to admit it... I spent hours crying last night, because there is just so much pressure at the moment, it's just too much for me to handle...

G

[polair61]

Im a mum too :o sorry lol.

DP and I were 19 when we had our son. We had no savings, he earnt $250 a week and we had a $200 rental to pay for a week. On apprenticeship wages and me not working we STILL managed. Babies really arent expensive. You dont need to get designer clothes and pricey furniture, you can do it so cheaply and babies dont know/care how much something cost. If you really dont think you could afford the mortgage then could you sell up and rent for a bit until your wife feels ready to go back to work and then when you have 2 incomes again maybe look at buying.

All babies need is love, food in their bellies and the knowledge that they are wanted. Everything else falls into place, trust me :). A house is a form of security and pride for some people but the joy and love and the journey of becoming a parent make that bricks and mortar nothing in comparison.

Good luck.

Bek, thank you for writing to me as well.

I am very greatful.

I know full well we could get buy owning our own house and the bub - my wife and I went to talk to a Financial Planner, who I would recommend to anyone here in Perth - he really opened my eyes with numbers - knowing what we can and can't borrow, what our limits are, what our options are - and he factored in starting a family - I work in IT and a Vollie Ambulance Officer - and although I dont make a six figure sum every year, I am doing well with budgetting and keeping things in line...

We've already put down a deposit, and have found the house that she loves. She has so many doubts right now and I can't do a thing to reassure her... her heart is set on terminating our one and only child.... :(

I fully agree with all you have said, it makes perfect sense - our baby would have nothing but Love, Food and a Roof over his/her head... I wouldn't ever settle for anything less...

G

[Pixilocks]

You poor thing.. You are being so amazing at being positive, thats really wonderful...

My partner is an apprentice and I haven't worked since my baby was born 9 months ago due to shift clashes... my partner makes 500 dollars per week, our rent is 280 per week...

Does your wife realise that you will have the baby bonus, and depending on your financial status you get family tax benefit from centrelink?

It can be tough, and my partner and I sometimes struggle with this, but we face it all together... I really think if you stick together you can overcome anything. Babies don't need to be expensive...

Look at ikea for nursery setups - or www.freecycle.org (http://www.freecycle.org), or ebay... buy clothes at baby markets... This is how we did it..

Maybe you need to sit down and explain all of this to your wife... I know its tough that as a man it might hurt your pride (just been through this with my partner) but just let her know how you feel, gently though, without pressure. Tell her you love her and the baby. She might come around...

As someone else said, feel free to message me whenever, I dont mind a rant rave or vent...

[mum of 3]

:hugs::hugs: for you it must be hard but i can assure you a mortage and children can work we live off $40k a year have a mortage and 3 children and are quite comfortable.

they are as cheap or as expencice as you want them to be they have no idea about brad clothing and prams and furniture as a pp said all they need is food a roof over there head and unconditional love.

i would sit down with your wife and talk it through she might be scared and using your financial status as an excuse us woman are good at botteling our real feelings....

i really hope you both get through this with the best possible outcome good luck

[Paul64]

Hi Polair

This will be short and sweet. In my humble opinion only, I would strongly suggest you both make an appointment with a councillor to discuss your situation before you make any irreversible actions. I would hate for you both to have major regrets if you should rush in to anything before you had some clear options pointed out to you by a neutral party...someone who can see your position from the outside.

And well done on getting on board here and seeking advice. I truly hope things work out for you both. Please just don't make any uninformed decisions until you both seek some unbiased professional advice.

The best of luck to the both of you.

Cheers and kindest regards

Paul
SA
:tree:

[milliegirl]

Thank you Paul, that's what I was going to say.

A lot of this stuff also sounds like raging pregnancy hormones. The counselling will help your wife regain her perspective.

The hitting is unacceptable of course, and she needs to account for this behaviour and stop it. Domestic violence is not acceptable with either sex being the victim. I still think it is the hormones and she just can't express herself calmly right now.

Good luck with it all, and congratulations on her pregnancy.

MG

[Mattus]

Short ands sweet - my opinion is give up the house. Kids are a gift, and as you well know, not one to be taken lightly.

Wifey reckons see a financial advisor, possibly relationship counselling.