How do you cope?

[Will]

Hi all! After a recent visit from DS's Grandfather (DS's dads dad), i am realizing that coops dad wants nothing to do with him. Coops granddad basically told me that he wasnt interested, just not in those words. I know i need to get over it and everything, but i need to know how every one coped with it and how i can get over it, or maybe even how you got the dad interested...

Also how did you deal with the thought of the dad not being interested. I hate the thought of my DS growing up without his dad. He is four months old but has only seen his dad three times, and the last time he saw him (he was 7 weeks old) cooper spent the whole time crying when he was holding him, obviously there was something going on with his dad that i couldnt pick up that cooper could.

I dont really mind beinga single mum, i have never been anything else so dont know what to compare it with. I dont really know what i am asking here, i just feel down and need to know how other people deal with all of this stuff and how you all get through the days...

Thanks for reading and hopefully replying!

[tyler's mum]

my situation is a bit different to urs tyler's dad doesnt know about her and every day i find it harder and harder to cope with knowing because of my choice she will never know her dad or his heritage [he is from ghana africa]

i dont think you will ever get over it i think just in time you learn to cope with it, tyler is almost 11months and it hasnt got any easier im sorry to say:(

every time you look at your beauiful little boy just know he deserves better then to be around someone who doesnt care or want to be around him

[justtwogirls22]

although my situation is a little different - DD sees her dad every weekend - i can understand how you are feeling about DS's dad not being around cause i too think DD misses out on not having her dad around all the time & as it was my choice to leave i battled with the decision for ages but now know i made the right decision & DD is much happier for it
your son is very lucky to have you as a mum & it is probably best that his dad isn't around as i cant imagine him being too supportive if you have to force him - at least he sees his grandpa - being a single mum is hard but it's the greatest reward to being able to see everything your child does & unconditional love is the best!

[mich71]

when i was a single parent i found it hard. ds1 had his father but ds2 didnt to tell you the truth it better for them if dad is in the picture but if there not its better than having them there and not showing up or being a day late and having to deal with a childs disapointment when they dont come just be there for your child you will learn to be mum and dad hes the one missing out get on with your life and live it fully and with lots of love good luck

[Gribel]

Hi Nizzma

I'm in the same boat - DS Dad made it VERY clear that he doesn't want anything to do with eihter of us, however he is paying child support, cause it's his "responsibility". But he makes no claim to see Riley what so ever. Riley is no 16 months, I couldn't say that it has become an issue, maybe because he didn't have his dad around from the start. I love being a single mum, I have great support from family and friends and I just don't know any other way, maybe that's why it so easy to deal with if you knowwhat I mean. I also have a lot of mle friends who just love and adore riley, so I know the "male connection" will always be there for him.
Yes, I do feel sorry that Riley wont have a Dad so to speak, but to be honest when I hear what my friends have to go thru with their partners - verbal abuse, not showing up to meet bubs when promised, and so on (you get the pic) than I am really glad that I wont have to deal with all that ****. Please don't get me wrong, not every dad is a pr***, but the sad thruth is that many out there are. :banghead:

Anyway, enough of me :ecomcity: , I guess you need to see the good in it. At least you have bub all for yourself and you might be better off with DS Dad not in the picture at all if he doesn't seem to interested .

Luv
Belinda:D

[Chanelc]

I am not in the same boat my ex will take Chanel - he actually misses her. Although at times he doesn't have time for her and I conclude it is his lost.
Ironically I don't think he is a good role model for Chanel if anyone is it is my brother... she loves him!
All I can say is it is there lost and they will realise it when it is too late...
Being a single mum I think is easier than being with a man that is not good for you - plus I live with the believe that there is someone special for me when it is time for me - just like there will be for all single mums!

[loopi1]

It's not easy being a single mum but plenty of us do it, hard at times but most of the time we are all better off.

My DS father has never been in the picture, he was with his gf for six months when I found out I was 7mths pregnant. Total shock especially when I had been told I couldn't have kids. He was my housemate up till the night I told him which was the day I found out. He took off, then dragged us through court for DNA. He has never acknowledged his son. He does pay Child Support. That's the only thing he has done, he has never seen, held or anything with his son, DS is now 2 1/2 yrs old.
The strangest thing about my situation is that he has never said he doesn't want anything to do with him it's just he has never been there, he hasn't uttered one word to us, even in court he never said anything like leave me alone, go away, don't want to ever see you, even when I shirt fronted him and told him to look at his son, not one word. The hardest part will be explaining this to my son when he asks 'Why?' because I don't know as he has never told me, it's just his actions. I tried to get him invovled with his son for over a year, from when I was still pregnant till his 1st bday. I invited his father to his 1st bday but he didn't show so I stopped trying, I think over a year of trying was enough.

I do know I'd rather it this way then the father messing me and my son about and feel for women and kids who get messed around.

Unfortunately you can't make the father get involved, it's his loss and when he wakes up to himself he will have missed some of the best times in your childs life.

Take each day as it comes, you will be fine, just love your child with all you have and he will appreciate that when he is old enough to understand.

[Harley's Mum]

My situation is a little similar tyo yours Lynda.
My DS is 15 mths old and has never met his father. He pays child support but only about half of what he is supposd to pay. Like you he has never said that he doesnt want to see DS but has never made the effort to come see either. The last time I spoke to him was just before october long weekend when he promised to come see him and never did.

Persoanlly I think DS is all the better for it I would much rather DS never meet his father at all rather than have him come into DS life as he pleases and see DS upset. DS grandad has seen him once just before he turned 1 but he lives in QLD so doesnt get to see him when he wants. I get on well with DS grandad and he has said that when the day comes that DS wants to know about his dad that he will be happy to talk to him.

I think if any part of the family doesnt want anything to do with your kids then thats their problem. I mean why make them do something they dont want to do it will only upset you them and your kids and they are the ones missing out not your kids.

Hope this helps

[Elfin]

I am not a single mum but I can give you another perspective. My mum was a single mum and my father never really took a great deal of interest in me and I just accepted that I was fine with it growing up.

It didnt bother me at all as my Mum was alwasy there for me and fulfilled all my needs as a child. I had a happy stable childhood I don't think I lacked anything not having a father around to be honest.

You know it is better to have a father out of child's life completely than dropping in and out and making promises that are never kept IYKWIM. That is like ongoing rejection. I think it is better to let him go because at the end of the day it is his loss!

Good luck to you both:)

[SimplyMum]

Thankyou Elfin, people like you just re-confirm my decison. I made my decison for the exact reason that I didn't want my DS's father breaking promises and not being a positive role model in my sons' life. It's great that you took the time to have your input, especially if your going through a moment of 'Did I do the right thing for my little one?' Which I seem to think every single day now-a-days. Thanks again Elfin and a big well done to your Mum. At least we know it's possible to raise a well adjusted person with all the love in the world from only one parent!

[Elfin]

Thankyou so much baileymoo for your very kind words:) As I am not a single parent I really don't have any business being in these threads but I thought I would share my story to let you know that not having a father around is not the end of the world and that a single mother can provide everything her child, I am the end product of that.

I really appreciate everything my mum did for me and I appreciate it more that I have my own children and how tough it must of been for her at times. She was a single parent in the 1970s so she must of copped some prejudice but I see her as a trailblazer! The thing I thank her most for is making me stay at school and strongly encouraging and supporting me to go to university something she never did until later in her life. I am so glad I got a good education as it has helped me soo much in my life!

At the end of the day the most important thing we can do for our children is to provide a loving, stable, supportive, violence free home and single parents can do this just as well as those that are partnered.

Just want to wish you lovely ladies all the very best:)

[Will]

Thanks everyone for replying!

I grew up with out a father, and my brother and i turned out alright, a hell of a lot better then if he was around i know that for sure. But i didnt want that for Cooper. BUT i spoke to his dad the other day because i was going to visit a friend (caught the train down) to within an hours drive away from him, and he told me he wasnt coming to see ds so i told him i was sick of his excuses and am not going to feel sorry for him anymore. He told me to go get f'd (charming) and hung up on me, so that is it i am not calling him anymore. It is not my responsibility to make him be involved. He also tried to get my friend to drive me down to see him cuz it would be "easier" she has a 3 & 1/2 year old and an 11 month old, so to go anywhere in the car we would have to buy the eldest a booster seat cuz her car seat wont fit with two baby seats in the car - but it would be "easier" for him. Ar$e hole. Grrr he makes me so mad!!!!

As for ds's granddad, he only came up once, got as much out of us as he could then stole a heap of cigerettes and the stubbs out of the ashtray :eek: what a charmer!!! So he wont be invited up again. Gees i wish he wasnt coopers dad, i would do anything to change that, well only if cooper stayed exactly the same lol It just frustrates me because i dont understand how anyone could not want to be in their childs life! I mean they are gorgeous when they arent yours, and when you have one they are just amazing, i mean you created it, it will be the best thing you have ever done in your entire life - why would you just disregard it? toss it to the side like it is nothing???????????????

Grrrr sorry, another vent from me... it just makes me so mad. But that phone call was the last straw, i am not calling him again, and seeing as tho he hasnt called me since i was around four months preg,i doubt i will hear from him again. Unless he wants something of course.

Also, he has stopped paying child support since the phone call suprise suprise. And he expects cooper to come and stay with him (although i think he just says that to stir me up - i wouldnt trust him to look after a teenager let alone a baby). As if i am going to send him down to a stranger??

Sorry i cant help myself, once i get started i just keep going. SORRY!!!!!!! Thanks for the replies!!