View Full Version : I need some help, advice anything
mum2bubba
11-12-2009, 12:56
I really don't want to be with Grant anymore, but I am not sure how to go about leaving.
I don't want to leave until after Christmas and new years but I want to at least be prepared and know what I'm entitled to and all that. Btw, we aren't married but we're engaged, that does make any difference?
Am I supposed to go into C/link and get forms BEFORE I leave or after?
Please just give me any advice you can.
SweetSerenity
11-12-2009, 13:03
Hey hun :hugs:
When I left my ex husband, I went to centrelink after deciding to leave.
I was working at the time though so I was able to have some sort of money until centrelink gave me assistance but they are generally pretty good with getting things going for single mums.
How do you think Grant will be with the news of you wanting to leave?
I think you are doing the right thing hun for you and the kids.
Always here if you need to talk. It's not easy but life gets MUCH better :hugs:
Love Nat xoxo
Always hard to answer something like this when you have kids involved but you have the right to be happy, I think in terms of c/link go in before or after and adivise them ur single. I see you have little ones which makes it hard but my advise would not argue or fight in front of them and just be civil for the kids its not going to be easy I left my partner when I was 16 my daughter is now 6 years old and my mother takes her to go see him and I havnt seen him for the past 3 years until her 6th birthday which was only recently. But the kids have the right to have a mother and a father in there life. Hope this helps!
SweetSerenity
11-12-2009, 13:08
Also being engaged makes no difference to a married couple in the same boat :no:
MumNeedsCoffee
11-12-2009, 13:15
:hugs: You just never know what the future may hold. You may even be able to work things out once you've both had a break from an unhappy situation. Or you'll build yourself a fabulous new life.
Either way you're paving the way towards a happier place
mum2bubba
11-12-2009, 13:20
I don't know how he'd react. I told him the other night I wasn't happy and I asked him how he'd feel if I told him I wanted to leave and he said "well, I can't stop you" but I don't know what he'd say/do when I actually DO leave.
I hope we can get along for the kids' sake. I don't want to be a b!tch and take everything from him but I'd need more than him cos I will have 3 kids to take care of.
I will leave and get a place (rental) of my own and he can keep the house. I don't want this to go to court or anything like that. I just hope he doesn't end up being a jerk about it all.
He has said to me in the passed that if I left I wouldn't have anything but I know that's not true.
I do love and care about him and I don't want to hurt him but I just cannot be with him anymore.
SweetSerenity
11-12-2009, 13:33
I hope you can get along too Cass.
The beginning will most likely be hard though, just be prepared for that.
Some couples continue to get on as normal after a split, some don't. I know it took a good year and a half for my ex and I to no longer have bitterness.
It's been about 3.5 years now since I left, we are very civil and communicate well in regards to DS but there's still times I want to strangle him...but we don't argue anymore which is good.
Getting a rental for you and the kids is a good idea :yes:
You're being really strong about this, I hope everything works out okay for you :hugs:
Don't wait for after Xmas.
If you want to leave, leave now.
Otherwise you will forever be finding reasons why NOW is not a good time to leave.
Good luck.
mum2bubba
11-12-2009, 14:22
I was thinking since we still have roughly $2000 owing to us from Centerlink for the baby bonus that I would use that (or at least half of it) for rent and bond and help set me and the kids up, but we have a leaking pipe and a few bills that need paying and I don't want to leave Grant to pay them all (hopefully the bills will be payed off before I go). We have a joint account so I'd have to go into the bank soon and close my half and get C/link to put the money (my family payments and baby bonus) into the new account.
Is it a good idea to take the baby bonus to help set ourselves up or should we use that for the bills?
I am going to leave the washing machine and dryer here because I can easily go to a coin laundry or my dad or sister's to wash and dry the clothes, whereas Grant doesn't drive so it'd be harder for him to do that, plus the washing machine is from his grandparents. He can keep the smaller fridge thats in the garage and I will take the bigger fridge.
I don't even have money to get a removalist truck or anything, I guess I can ask some friends for help.
SuperGranny
11-12-2009, 15:08
hi cassie, I hope things work out well for you. take care, and make your own happiness, and the children will be happy too. I really do wish you all the best, the next few months are going to be a struggle, good luck with everything, Marie.
Lolly Legs
11-12-2009, 16:43
Don't wait for after Xmas.
If you want to leave, leave now.
Otherwise you will forever be finding reasons why NOW is not a good time to leave.
Good luck.
:iagree:
If you don't do it now you'll never do it.
I ended up leaving on christmas day last year, sure it wasn't an ideal time but hey these things happen.
Either I was doing it then or I probably wouldn't have done it and stayed stuck in the same rut. I bit the bullet and followed through.
And I am planning a great christmas this year to forget all the dramas from last christmas.
I've been a single mum for a nearly a year now, it has been tough financially. But, emotionally(after the the dust settled down after the seperation) I have been the happiest in years. No more fights, tears, arguments.
You can't put a price on happiness, money will always sort itself out.
mum2bubba
11-12-2009, 16:45
Thankyou, Marie :)
mum2bubba
11-12-2009, 16:47
You can't put a price on happiness, money will always sort itself out.
Thats very true. One of the reason's I'm leaving. He'd say we didn't have money to go out anywhere (and sometimes that's true) but when I'd suggest doing something that didn't cost anything he still couldn't be bothered.
Take the baby bonus and put it away for setting yourself and the kids up....
If you are serious about it you are going to need to start looking for a rental now, as it may take you some time to find something.....
Make an appt to see a social worker with Centrelink, ask them what resources along with payments they can offer you to help your transition....
Call Dept of Housing and ask about what options you have re: accessing a rental bond loan or any other assistance.....
As the fiancee/defacto of a man with 3 of his children, you are very entitled to just the same things that would be discussed/settled with the dissolusion of a marriage..... if you aren't going to seek any of that, then I certainly would not be concerned about whatever bills/maintenance etc that he has to take care of in regards to what will essentially be his home.....
You need to start making a very thorough plan now, and start taking action.... its a process that may take you time in the current housing market, and you don't know just how he is going to react when separation becomes a reality rather than possibility to him....
LuvMy4Babes
11-12-2009, 17:44
Hi Cassie, I just ended my 12 year marriage six weeks ago. To say it's been rough would be the biggest understatement of my life. It is such hard going and he hasn't even moved out yet. He is moving out this weekend though. I would suggest if you can move out ASAP, you can get the ball rolling with C/Link.
In the meantime, you can ring and say you've actually separated, they will at least put that on their records.
You can also apply for single parenting payment, while living under the same roof but the forms you have to fill out are very very long and detailed and both you and Grant will have to fill them out. Quite honestly, it's a huge PITA.
But yep I'd say initially call C/Link and get that started. Also put in a claim right away for child support, you can lodge a claim online.
I'm not sure what else to say at this point, but I have to stress DO try to keep it civil for the kids, which is really really hard while still living together when the emotions are through the roof.
Good luck and let us know how you get on :)
TwoSweetPeas
11-12-2009, 21:43
:hugs:sending you some huggs. I was in your position nearly 1 yr ago, so know how hard it is emotionally, physically, financially etc. Youll be amazed at what you can do!
I dont really understand why you would want to walk away from the house? Unless he bought it from before you were a couple? If you bought it together then you are entitled to half, possibly even more as you will have the kids to care for. I would recomend that def if there is any equity at all in the house then you apply to legal aid to seek help in getting a settlement and or selling the house to get what is rightfully yours. Just because you feel quilty for falling out of love and leaving, believe me you WILL regret not taking care of your and your childrens financial future. Also any super he has incured in the years you have been together, you are entitled to half also, which once transfered to your super you can apply for and get up to $10k after being on spp for 28 weeks. (yes i seeked legal help once i left;))
Good luck, I really hope it doesnt turn nasty for you, and if it was me, i would wait till after xmas. Whats another 2 weeks, give the kids one last xmas as a family unit.
MumNeedsCoffee
11-12-2009, 21:51
I agree, wait until after xmas.
It's only a couple of weeks, and while his behaviour is very poor you have no urgency to leave.
Enjoy Christmas as a family, even if he is still superglued to the couch.
Best of luck
mum2bubba
12-12-2009, 15:58
Is it hard for single mums with no job to get a rental?
EmPowering
12-12-2009, 16:21
Is it hard for single mums with no job to get a rental?
my mum did it when we lived in melbourne:) ! it is possible ! mum only started cleaning after we moved in etc.
i would start looking now though as you might have to put in applications for whatever you can find and hope for the best:)
mum2bubba
12-12-2009, 16:25
I don't have a job though, does that matter or not?
I'd be getting money off Centerlink and I remember when Grant and I were renting the landlords and real estate agents always considered my benifits from centerlink as a wage.
EmPowering
12-12-2009, 16:34
I don't have a job though, does that matter or not?
I'd be getting money off Centerlink and I remember when Grant and I were renting the landlords and real estate agents always considered my benifits from centerlink as a wage.
should be fine:yes::yes: as long as you can prove to them you can pay the rent each week eetc with centrelink/ child support etc !
OhGeeMuma
12-12-2009, 22:32
I don't have a job though, does that matter or not?
I'd be getting money off Centerlink and I remember when Grant and I were renting the landlords and real estate agents always considered my benifits from centerlink as a wage.
They will but only PPS not FTB, as it's a benefit not an allowance.
mum2bubba
13-12-2009, 14:25
Ok thanks.
I don't think HE would leave because its his house (well, thats what he's told me when we've argued about money). It would be easier if he left because theres only one of him and he has a stable job but he won't leave, I'm the one walking away not him.
Do you think it'd be good if I just rented a small until, like a 2 b/room unit and have the kids in the b/rooms and me I can sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge.
I can't afford to pay $500 a week in mortgage and Grant said if we split up we'd have to sell the house, but I'm not sure about that.
MumNeedsCoffee
13-12-2009, 15:05
Ok thanks.
I don't think HE would leave because its his house (well, thats what he's told me when we've argued about money). It would be easier if he left because theres only one of him and he has a stable job but he won't leave, I'm the one walking away not him.
Do you think it'd be good if I just rented a small until, like a 2 b/room unit and have the kids in the b/rooms and me I can sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge.
I can't afford to pay $500 a week in mortgage and Grant said if we split up we'd have to sell the house, but I'm not sure about that.
Yep XP won't leave either
I can't afford mortgage either but I do expect him to ensure his daughter has a roof over her head
I asked him to leave only temporary while I organise housing, income etc
He refused, why should he have to leave the house that he's been paying for, he would have to be without his TV :eek:
I told him I'm not asking him to leave permanently, only for the short time it would take to organise things. He's not leaving to put a roof over my head, he's leaving temporarily to put a roof over Jade's head.
Still nope because he would have to go without his TV
I don't know why I still get shocked at his utter selfishness
Don't worry hun, there is no obstacle you can't overcome. Other strong women have done it and so can we.
mum2bubba
13-12-2009, 15:18
I hope so.
Hi girls..I just wanted to say Good luck. It sounds like both of your partners are married to their televisions...which is the sad case with so many people. (Or your ex partners, if that is the case)
Men will use whatever leverage they can to keep the status quo, and usually that means refusing to move out. Get onto the Department of Housing straight away, and onto a waiting list. Is there other family you can stay with?
It is hard to be patient, and do things properly, but try to get as much organised as you can before you go.
My sister and her ex seperated a couple of months ago, and are living together until she can find a new home for her and the children. It hasn't been an easy road, but with the support and love of their families, they are finding their way through it.
Do try to talk him into leaving, it really is the most sensible thing to happen logistically, even if it is only until YOU get a place for you an the kids, geez, he can find somewhere to bunk for a few weeks, surely??
I rang C/L the day after we decided to separate, and had my interview about a week and a half later.
Payments started the next week.
You can get an 'emergency/crisis' payment sometimes (ask about it) and i think it is the same as one weeks pay.
All the best, I think too you should just do it now, otherwise you could still be thinking about it in a years time.
mum2bubba
16-12-2009, 12:46
Where did my post go? :confused::geek:
Anyway, this might be a dumb question but can single mothers on C/link benifits get house loans?
chrysalis
16-12-2009, 15:10
You can get a loan, but it would be quite small. You need a very large deposit to be able to buy a house or flat. From memory, when I checked with a mortgage broker about the most you could borrow (on single parenting payment) was $90 000 - but most banks only offered a lot less.
They use a formula based on your income, which obviously is quite low on C/L benefits.
So, yes you can get one, but hardly anything, and not really enough to buy a place with.
You may want to re-think your decision to let him keep the house. If you took your share of that asset, you may have enough to purchase your own place (combined with a small mortgage)
good luck, and all the best through this tough time
mum2bubba
16-12-2009, 15:29
He said if we broke up we'd have to sell cos neither he nor I would be able to make the repayments. I'm not sure how much we'd sell the house for or how much equity it has. I don't really want to rent.
LuvMy4Babes
16-12-2009, 15:33
Cassie unfortunately, at least for a while, you may have to rent.
When we sell our house, both DH and I will have to go back to renting which really sucks for both of us.
MumNeedsCoffee
16-12-2009, 15:53
He said if we broke up we'd have to sell cos neither he nor I would be able to make the repayments. I'm not sure how much we'd sell the house for or how much equity it has. I don't really want to rent.
Hey Cassie, I know it's hard to do but you have to start focussing on the positives instead of the negatives.
Even if you have to make yourself a little sign to stick on the fridge that says "Focus on the positives"
Life is full of things we don't really want to do or go through
But what makes life enjoyable is how we choose to perceive life
In everything you have to ask "What is the positive side of this?"
The negative side:
- I don't want to rent, it's a hassle, I don't know if I can afford it? etc
The positive side:
- I can create a happy environment for me and my children. I can live how I want, there won't be someone putting me down because the house isn't clean enough despite all the work I do. There won't be someone taking me for granted and sitting on the couch, making a mockery of all the hard work I am still doing looking after the children, cleaning and getting dinner ready. When I finally get time to relax I can do what I enjoy. I'm going to enjoy this!
It's so hard to do when you've been in a bad place for so long and you really have to force yourself at the start but you can make this way of thinking a way of life.
Hey Cassie, I know it's hard to do but you have to start focussing on the positives instead of the negatives.
Even if you have to make yourself a little sign to stick on the fridge that says "Focus on the positives"
Life is full of things we don't really want to do or go through
But what makes life enjoyable is how we choose to perceive life
In everything you have to ask "What is the positive side of this?"
The negative side:
- I don't want to rent, it's a hassle, I don't know if I can afford it? etc
The positive side:
- I can create a happy environment for me and my children. I can live how I want, there won't be someone putting me down because the house isn't clean enough despite all the work I do. There won't be someone taking me for granted and sitting on the couch, making a mockery of all the hard work I am still doing looking after the children, cleaning and getting dinner ready. When I finally get time to relax I can do what I enjoy. I'm going to enjoy this!
It's so hard to do when you've been in a bad place for so long and you really have to force yourself at the start but you can make this way of thinking a way of life.
Great post :)
I'll be keeping it in mind! :thumbsup:
reAllytee
18-12-2009, 01:35
As others have said you are entitled to anything in a defacto relationship as you would a marriage. These are only newish laws though that came into play earlier this year where you are without a doubt entitled to it whereas before that partners could cause a lot of problems & dramas :(
More than likely your split with will be 60/40 but it can vary being more depending on whether you put any of your own money into say the house or any investments etc you have & also your looking after the kids also comes into play because that is deemed as 'adding' to it all just as much as his wage has.
Whatever you have now basically has to be split in this way & if that means you can't afford the mortgage & you have no other investments or monies that selling will more than likely have to happen but again it really all can depend on what settlement you can both reach & any debts that you have.
My sisters divorce was all really simple as they live in defence housing so she & her ex then just split their savings, debts, investments belonging all very easily.
Whereas mine is a little more tricky being that there are investments involved luckily our super is worth roughly the same as each others so they cancel each other out ( because you are entitled to a portion of his ! ) but we have a lot of debt in terms of the mortgage & then the investment loan so we are both left with quite large debts but if we work them well I am going to be left with the house & the ex with the investments we couldn't sell off ( locked in for a few years ) to bring the debt down.
So there can be a lot you need to sort through but don't stress as it can be done & just seems daunting at this point !
Start putting money aside to help you get settled & that's whether you stay in the house or not because you need to get all your services changed over etc as well as paying all your bills once they start coming in !
Good luck !
mum2bubba
18-12-2009, 13:39
I have some money saved but not very much.
It'd be easy if we just split everything or if he'd let me take more stuff cos they're's one of him and 4 of us. I'm happy for him to keep the big tv, the washing machine and dryer, the couch and a few other things.
I have been looking at some rentals but not sure if I'd get them cos of being a single mum with no job.
Keep trying Cassie. I had no probs getting myself a rental as a single mum with kids and pets. The owners have looked after me as I have their house. I keep the house and yard neat, clean and tidy...and my rent stays nice and low :) I've been here for 8 yrs now...this is our home.
HarvestMoon
18-12-2009, 14:23
Keep trying Cassie. I had no probs getting myself a rental as a single mum with kids and pets. The owners have looked after me as I have their house. I keep the house and yard neat, clean and tidy...and my rent stays nice and low :) I've been here for 8 yrs now...this is our home.
8 years ago the rental market was not what it is now. There was nowhere near the demand.
It is so much harder to acquire a rental property now compared to some years ago.
The only way i could get my hands on a rental was to have some one co-sign a lease with me. Is there anyone that could do this for you? A parent or friend? Someone with employment income.
As for centrelink..do you consider yourself seperated right at his moment? If so call them now and get the ball rolling... everything will be backdated to today. You can apply as "seperated under one roof". I did this when i first left my partner as i had nowhere to go with no money and of course he wouldn't leave. It wasn't hard to do. You will of course have to fill out a stack of forms asking a million stupid and invasive questions and get 2 people to confirm your seperation ( can be friends, family, etc) but still on the whole its fairly easy and straight foward.
Booking into see a social worker at centrelink might be worth it too. I did this when i first applied for pps and the social worker i saw got everything organised for me that day. So my payments had started about a week after i made the initail phone call to apply.
I think you should call legal aid or seek someother form of legal advice in regards to your house and any other assests you have. Its not fair for you to walk away with 3 kids and nothing. Your ex will manage fine... your needs are greater then his!
mum2bubba
18-12-2009, 14:24
Long term rental and low rent payments? Sounds great I wish I had that. I've only known one family that has a long term rental (over 10 years) when me and Grant rented we stayed only a year cos we'd either get told to leave (mainly because the owners wanted to move in) or because they'd put the rent up and we were sick of moving every year.
If my sister wasn't living her in place I'd ask to move in (her and her boyfriend bought their unit to rent out but they wanted to live their for a while first).
mum2bubba
18-12-2009, 14:28
8 years ago the rental market was not what it is now. There was nowhere near the demand.
It is so much harder to acquire a rental property now compared to some years ago.
The only way i could get my hands on a rental was to have some one co-sign a lease with me. Is there anyone that could do this for you? A parent or friend? Someone with employment income.
As for centrelink..do you consider yourself seperated right at his moment? If so call them now and get the ball rolling... everything will be backdated to today. You can apply as "seperated under one roof". I did this when i first left my partner as i had nowhere to go with no money and of course he wouldn't leave. It wasn't hard to do. You will of course have to fill out a stack of forms asking a million stupid and invasive questions and get 2 people to confirm your seperation ( can be friends, family, etc) but still on the whole its fairly easy and straight foward.
Booking into see a social worker at centrelink might be worth it too. I did this when i first applied for pps and the social worker i saw got everything organised for me that day. So my payments had started about a week after i made the initail phone call to apply.
I think you should call legal aid or seek someother form of legal advice in regards to your house and any other assests you have. Its not fair for you to walk away with 3 kids and nothing. Your ex will manage fine... your needs are greater then his!
We haven't broken up. I want to wait til after Xmas and new years and talk to my family and friends and ask for support. Every time I try and bring this up with him he doesn't want to listen. Though the other day I bought it up once again and he said "if you wanna leave, leave. Stop stuffing me around" thing is I don't have anywhere to go.
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