I love my son

[Boobycino]

thats about all I wanted to say.

For no reason at all. For no other reason than he is my son.

Maybe everyone else bonded instantly with their baby, but I didn't.

I rationalised my love for Jasper when he was born. I was dedicated to him - plenty of people have reflected that back to me that I'm a dedicated mother - and others have been in disbelief that I didn't bond because I've been fiercely potective and possessive of bub... but because I nearly lost bub, then grieved for him even though he was alive, then was just plain old terrafied of experiencing that kind of pain again, I've subconsciously only loved Jasper as much as I do just love any babies.

I guess I've tried to love him to the extent I love other peoples babies - because at the end of the day I still have to give them back - and it was a very real fear that Jasper would have to be 'given back' so to speak.

I guess thats why I've appeared to love him, because I've always treated each day like its my last day with him. And as a terrafying parralell he stopped breathing at 11 days old and my mums first baby died at 13 days old. And she shared with me a couple of years ago that her biggest regret was the day they told her her baby wasn't going to live through the night she took sleeping tablets so she could just wake up when it was over - so... maybe me traumatised by the regret and guilt my mother felt, I've chosen to stay up all night with bub and not sleep because I've thought - what if tonight is the night I lose him.

BUT! all that aside... I'm coming to a point where I believe he's going to live. And with that belief is creeping in real love for him. Maybe the love has always been there its just been drowned out by fear.

I had a little healing experience yesterday though - which has brought on this reflection - because I was christmas shopping and this time last year I was christmas shopping with 3 week old Jasper in a baby bjorn, and yesterday its 1 year and 3 week old Jasper in the ergo baby. And as he gazed up at me and I looked down at him I saw that 3 week old Jasper and even though I didn't love him then, I love him now... which kind of makes it okay.

I've got decades to love him more, so for now I'm happy with loving him with some resistance still - maybe I only love him 80% of what I think I 'should'... because 20% is holding back because even typing "I've got decades" feels like a lie. Rationally i know its the truth, but it feels like I'm lying to myself. Right now I think I can believe he'll live till 3 years old. No idea why, but thats as far as I'm willing to risk projecting into our future. I suppose when he turns 3 I'll work out how much longer I can love him for. (though hopefully I'll just love him wholey and completely by then!)

Anyway, I just felt like announcing that. Its a wonderful thing. And I wanted to share.

I'd love to hear from other mothers who didn't bond immediately, how they experienced love for their children.

Or does anyone actually just instantly bond? I'd love to think they do, because I'd like to hope that I would love my next baby within at least a few weeks.

[MumNeedsCoffee]

:hugs:I didn't feel the bond with DD until she was 4 months old.
I just felt like I was looking after someone elses child, and I still did my best in every way to look after her just as I would had any child been placed in my care.
But that overwhelming love, and that connection, that didn't arrive until she was 4 months.

[cookie087]

So glad you are feeling this way now. I was lucky and instantly bonded with my boy, and love him to bits, and as soon as he was put on me for the first time he became my life.
Everyone is different though and it's not wrong how you felt, And im sure the love will grow even stronger between the two if you in your futures together.

[TurnedBatty]

I didn't bond with my son. I still don't think I have to some extent. He never felt real to me, and even though I an tell you now that I love him, I still don't think it's quite the same as if I had have bonded with him at birth.

[kar]

Chel, shedding a little tear, I'm so happy for you.

I bonded immediately but then once the crazy hormones subsided I wondered if I really loved him 'enough' and had that looking after him for someone feeling. And at 7 weeks when he screamed non stop for a full week with only 40 min nap breaks I wondered if I loved him at all.

I now again feel that total and overwhelming love for him that I felt the moment he was born.

[JLeesmum]

when DS was born, i knew he was my baby, he was so wanted, but i couldnt say i "loved" him, its a bit hard to love something you dont know iykwim..but it didnt take long for me to be able to say that I LOVE HIM SOOOO MUCH. every day i love him more.

[Boobycino]

I dont believe he's real sometimes - or that he's mine - its strange sometimes I dont recognise him.

It was hard work when he was little he would cry for up to 3 hours a day, each and every day, from 3 weeks old to 8 weeks old. Each and every day. Usually at 9am and then again from 5-6ish for at least an hour, sometimes more.

And he's always woken every 2 hours and still does most nights - though he does sleep a little more quietly beside me, he wriggles and stirs me often, but not waking me like I have to get up or anything.

So its tough to bond when I'm a zombie.

I think he's super cuter now though. He's just such a funny, happy, intelligent person. He's charming too - if I say "kiss" to him he turns his cheek to me and leans in, while kinda scrunching up his face... its funny - like "oh, if you have to"

He also says "mum mum" a lot. I dont know if that makes me a bit egocentric(sp?), but him loving me helps me love him. I suppose its like when he shows me he's a real person with thoughts and opinions and habits and stuff and that he's a person who loves his mummy, that fills my heart with love for him. It shows me in a way that he's a person who cannot be easily undone. Like before when he was 11 days old he could have been taken and he'd have just been a faint memory or an idea of baby - but now that he's a person I dont believe god could take him away from me again.

[mum2bubble]

:hugs: Chel,

Just wanted to share that a similar thing happened to my mum after the birth of my little sister.
A friend came in to visit her and saw that she (sister) had a cowlick (Sp) you know the thing in your hair? Apparently this friend then told her that the cowlick meant that she had AIDS and was going to die. (Yep, I know mums a bit gullible:p) but for months mum refused to bond with her. She only did what she had to ie feed, change etc, she didn't interact with her at all and gave up breastfeeding really early which she didn't do with the rest of us. When family finally caught on she told them what the friend had said and that she didn't want to love her and bond with her because she wasn't going to be around for long and she was going to lose her. In the end she was treated for post natal depression but it took a while for her to be convinced she wasn't going to die (yes she is still around, so is the cowlick and no AIDS).

You have an amazing courage to be able to talk about it openly and in the process you may be helping someone else struggling.

I didn't have an instant bond/love after DD was born and everyone else around me did. But I figured out I had bonded and grown to love her while she was in utero and so it was a gradual build up instead of an instant thing like it was with dp.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

I didn't bond with my son. I still don't think I have to some extent. He never felt real to me, and even though I an tell you now that I love him, I still don't think it's quite the same as if I had have bonded with him at birth.


Wow this post has really hit home with me... I feel really emotional right now.
I feel exactly like this with DS1 and it has really hit home since having DS2. :(

Chel, you've written so beautifully.
Thank you for sharing

[Myztiks#1Fan]

:hugs: chel. thats great news and i can totally understand where you are coming from. i still dont think i have fully bonded with coop. i love him with all my heart, i really and truely do and i would do anything for him but i still at times find it hard to find that connection.

your post has bought tears to my eyes and i am glad i am not the only one who feels that way. thank you so much

[singa06]

I didnt bond instantly with my son. I suffered from the 'baby blues' for quite a few weeks and even thought terrible thoughts (if something happened to him, then I would not have that responsibility etc...terrible I know, I felt so guilty feeling that way after trying so hard to fall pregnant).
After 6-7 weeks things took a huge turn and now I love my son to bits, he is an absolute delight to have and I feel sick in the tummy at the thought of anything happening to him.

[Lily of the Nile]

Thanks Chel, best post for the day :)
I didn't experience what you did, but when pregnant I didn't believe there was a baby in there and to me it could of been an alien. I felt protective but somehow I couldn't comprehend my child was in my belly (I know people look at me strange when I say that?)
Then when he was born I was amazed and thought he was beautiful and couldn't stop looking at him. He was the perfect bub and I felt protective and loved being with him, but didn't understand the love parents talk about for their children? I didn't feel anything overwhelming that I thought I would. But I remembered my mum told me once a while ago the love really starts when you start looking after the baby. And it's been so true, my love has been growing everyday and now it's starting to amaze me and I understand it's not an instant blow but a gradual thing and it will keep growing.
I must sound horrible, I realy love and woud do anything for my bub but it's not been this massive blast of emotion and I love him more fiercly now than when he was born?

[Boobycino]

Thanks Chel, best post for the day :)
I didn't experience what you did, but when pregnant I didn't believe there was a baby in there and to me it could of been an alien. I felt protective but somehow I couldn't comprehend my child was in my belly (I know people look at me strange when I say that?)
Then when he was born I was amazed and thought he was beautiful and couldn't stop looking at him. He was the perfect bub and I felt protective and loved being with him, but didn't understand the love parents talk about for their children? I didn't feel anything overwhelming that I thought I would. But I remembered my mum told me once a while ago the love really starts when you start looking after the baby. And it's been so true, my love has been growing everyday and now it's starting to amaze me and I understand it's not an instant blow but a gradual thing and it will keep growing.
I must sound horrible, I realy love and woud do anything for my bub but it's not been this massive blast of emotion and I love him more fiercly now than when he was born?

I was in awe of bub when he was born, I just stared at him, but it was more like "oh... my.... god.... where did he come from?" he was (and is) one of the most beautiful babies ever. It was pretty nice when people came to the hospital they'd go "oh isn't he beautiful" and then pause and really then go "wow" like, he was stunning. Now he's 1 still people stop me to tell me how gorgeous he is :cloud9: I've always felt very proud of myself for making him. He does seem to always just dazzle people, because he's very cute and then he smiles and people just go "wow" still.

So, it was easy to adore him sometimes - or to admire him... but... it didn't feel real enough to be love sometimes.

I also didn't really believe I was having a baby until I heard him cry. Yep.... 41.4 weeks of pregnancy, about 36 hours of labour and it only really occured to me I was having a baby when I heard that first "waaaaaa". I really thought I could just be pregnant forever. I didn't organise where i was delivering until I was 14 weeks pregnant. I didn't even give a thought to labour until I was 37 weeks pregnant and had BH contractions. I didn't pack a bag for hospital.... errrr.... until AFTER my due date.

Maybe it didn't help the bonding process that I spent my whole pregnancy in denial about the fact I was pregnant. :rolleyes: I worked until I was 37 weeks pregnant. I ran up the steps of my work to get some paper work AFTER my due date and my boss gave me an earful about taking it easy - but even that heavy I just forgot I was pregnant. Though the fierce kicking was a fairly good reminder!!!

[MumNeedsCoffee]

I was a bit weird about the pregnancy. It just didn't seem real. DD was 13 days over and I didn't care. I could have quite happily gone on for longer being pregnant. Which seemed strange to me as everyone else I knew reached the end of their pregnancies and couldnt wait for baby to come. I think the reality of having a baby scared the s*** out of me. DD was emergency c-section, so it just felt surreal all of a sudden having a baby thrust above the dividing screen.
A midwife had to run over and grab her because I nearly let her roll off me, when I was handed a form to sign and let go of her to sign it. I was so in awe of this beautiful little girl but she didn't feel like mine.

[JLeesmum]

I was in awe of bub when he was born, I just stared at him, but it was more like "oh... my.... god.... where did he come from?" he was (and is) one of the most beautiful babies ever. It was pretty nice when people came to the hospital they'd go "oh isn't he beautiful" and then pause and really then go "wow" like, he was stunning. Now he's 1 still people stop me to tell me how gorgeous he is :cloud9: I've always felt very proud of myself for making him. He does seem to always just dazzle people, because he's very cute and then he smiles and people just go "wow" still.

So, it was easy to adore him sometimes - or to admire him... but... it didn't feel real enough to be love sometimes.

I also didn't really believe I was having a baby until I heard him cry. Yep.... 41.4 weeks of pregnancy, about 36 hours of labour and it only really occured to me I was having a baby when I heard that first "waaaaaa". I really thought I could just be pregnant forever. I didn't organise where i was delivering until I was 14 weeks pregnant. I didn't even give a thought to labour until I was 37 weeks pregnant and had BH contractions. I didn't pack a bag for hospital.... errrr.... until AFTER my due date.

Maybe it didn't help the bonding process that I spent my whole pregnancy in denial about the fact I was pregnant. :rolleyes: I worked until I was 37 weeks pregnant. I ran up the steps of my work to get some paper work AFTER my due date and my boss gave me an earful about taking it easy - but even that heavy I just forgot I was pregnant. Though the fierce kicking was a fairly good reminder!!!

i felt exactly the same, i remember lifting my bed with one arm, and vaccuuming with the other when i was 9 month preg....:no: