So sick of being me

[reddwarf]

I hate being me. I hate being an ugly, fat slob. I hate being depressed. I just wish someone would put me out of my misery :crying:

[cjb/jbvd]

:hugs:

do you love your children??

do your kids love you??

are your kids fed, clean and are they happy??

then you are a fantastic person succeeding in the toughest job on earth. you are a good mum, and that's the best thing you can be for your kids. they need that from you, and you are doing it well.

i know it's hard, but concentrate on the good stuff and let the rest go. the body image can be damn depressing sometimes (ok, most of the time), and trying to remember who you were before you became a mum is hard too. it will take a long time to get your own self back in perspective. i go through this every day. some days are good, some days not so good. all i can say is, enjoy the small things. hugs, smiles and laughs with your kids who dont care what shape or size you are. your kids who don't care if you haven't brushed your hair in a week or shaved your legs in two months or if your clothes are covered in spit up stains. your kids that you would fight and kill for. if you try and feel good about the best two things in your life (your kids), then remember that most of that reflects on you. and they would be lost without you!!!!!

and most importantly, take a day off. book into a beauty salon, or for a massage, or a hair trim, or a pedicure or whatever. just do one thing for yourself. take your favourite outfit you wear to the shops to the drycleaners instead of washing it yourself and wear it the next day. go to a free trial day at a gym. go to the local park and feed the birds. go and sit on a ferry all day. do something that involves you, just you, being clean (and no, that doesn't include cleaning the house) and healthy and looked after and at peace for just one day. just make sure you get out of the house.

pm me if you need to.....

[Niki]

oh sweety i wanted to send you some hugs :hugs: :hugs: im not sure wat to say but i hope that things start to look beta soon :hugs:

[ziggie]

Ditto to all cjb/jbd said!

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: Hugs to you and your beautiful children

[misskittyfantastico]

Life is a b!tch sometimes, and it can seem like you are standing at the bottom of an enormous mountain.
Remember that you are not alone in feeling this way and there are always people to talk to here. It's really important to just get it all out.
:hugs: to you.
PM me any time.

[Hokey Pokey]

Well we had a bit of a chat.... you know what I think about somethings, just hope I did not upset you more, was only trying to help... :hugs:

[Tarnya]

:hugs: to you. I understand completely, I am right in the middle of trying to lose my (2x) extra weight and I've just found out I'm expecting again in Jan 07. Least to say I'm not extatic like a lot of people are and I'm not over the moon to be having another 13 kg piled onto me, and a lot of people would say we are selfish or whingng but I'm not happy with the way I look and am very scared as I am only 24 and not sure how my body is going to survive, I am always a careful eater when it comes to dietry intake and exercise but I am extremely worried about my figure my hair my skin, it's all gone down hill and every day you're reminded of it, my 4 year old told me the other day she was going to 'grow up and be big like mummy, but not fat' She's only four and she doesn't completely understand what she had implied but I still told her that was great and I'd be proud to see her when she was a big girl............then I ran upstairs and cried, because it is an honest, unbiast, unintentional, observation but it's still true. PM me if you need to talk more or scream and cry when looking in the mirror. We can do it together :hugs:

[reddwarf]

Thank you all for your kind words. I just feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. This has been 7yrs now and I am so over it all. I just want to go to bed and wake up when this has all ended.

[Hokey Pokey]

Did you get some sleep last night? How are you this morning?
Does Angela know how bad you are feeling right now?
Sorry for all the question... I am worried about you.

[reddwarf]

I told Angela yesterday and Anna on Thursday that I feel like ****...they guessed anyway. I just haven't told them how bad because if I do Judy will want to put me back in hospital and I just can't do that again.

[melfunction]

I just haven't told them how bad because if I do Judy will want to put me back in hospital and I just can't do that again.

What is it going to take for you to realise that this maybe the best option for you at the moment?

[~EmsMum~]

oh hunny
pm me if you want to talk

:hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[reddwarf]

What is it going to take for you to realise that this maybe the best option for you at the moment?

Because they will want to give me ECT again :thumbsdown:

[melfunction]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's my understanding that written consent is required before administering ECT in Australia. It can only be forced on you with a court order?

[Hokey Pokey]

Let them know that this is what you are scared of..... surely they can work something out. :hugs:

[reddwarf]

I've just sms'd my psychologist. Just awaiting a reply.

[melfunction]

I've just sms'd my psychologist. Just awaiting a reply

Good for you. Please be honest with her. Tell her what you are worried about.

[reddwarf]

She is on my side about not wanting to go back to hospital and has been supporting me with my decision not to go and not to have ECT again. Since I've been seeing her (about 2mths now) she has been seeing me weekly to avoid this possibility but....I have to admit I'm not picking up. We may have to admit this but going into hospital causes so many problems.

[Hokey Pokey]

What kind of problems, you can tell us.
I'm so glad Angela is on your side, she is such a great Dr hey.
Any news in your psychologist?

[Hokey Pokey]

Just letting you know i am going now to clean my house etc, I will check back on this thread during the day to see how you are doing :kiss:

[reddwarf]

Problems = the kids and who will look after them so dh can work or him take time off work to look after them (yet again - work can only be so accommodating). Who will pick up dd after school. Who will feed them. Who will do the shopping. Who will pay the bills. Who will tidy the house. because trust me if I'm not here dh will not do it - you know this, it took me months to get the house in order after the last admissions. These all cause me more stress. Uni starts next week (so that will be a good distraction) but if I miss too many lectures I will fail.

[reddwarf]

I asked once before for help but because I have an able bodied partner they wouldn't even consider helping. If I was on my own there would be no problems getting help with cooking, cleaning, shopping, bills etc etc but because I'm married I don't deserve the help.

[reddwarf]

THere is no funding to help people who are married with a working spouse. Centrelink can't help either.

[Hokey Pokey]

Could you afford to get a cleaner come in once or twice a week?
What about family or friends to drop kids off to and from for you? Or.. you could look into a nanny just while you get yourself better.

[Hokey Pokey]

What about Declans family day carer, can't she come pick him up and maybe take eithne b4 and after school?

[reddwarf]

Can't afford a cleaner or a nanny because we spend so much money on my medications, psychologist, psychiatrist etc etc.

My daycare mum doesn't have enough room in her car to pick up Eithne from school.

As I said this side of things is stressing me more just thinking about what I need to organise to be able to go to hospital. It is easier to stay home and go see Angela, Anna and Judy regularly

[Hokey Pokey]

What about before and after school care...... or family to help you out.
Look inside your heart and be honest, do you think you need to go to hospital, can you deal with this staying at home having the support?

[reddwarf]

There is a couple of year wait for before and after school care at the school. Family aren't in aposition to help. I just have to keep going through regular contact with Angela, Anna and Judy and by posting in here.

[Hokey Pokey]

Well we are all here, hope it helps something.
What have you got planned for today? How's the weather in Brisvegas?

[reddwarf]

It helps just knowing people are happy to listen to me whinge :ecomcity:

It is overcast and cool up here today.

[Hokey Pokey]

Ah well I don't mind listening:hugs:

Nice and sunny here today, clear sky but still a little crisp outside. Got to go now hang some washing and bring in the whole line full of dry stuff, fuunnnnnnnnn way to spend a Sat hey?

[reddwarf]

Thank you all for your kind words.

I am feeling so blah at the moment and posting/writing helps me to get it out IYKWIM :confused:

I don't want to kill myself, I just want the pain to stop IYKWIM? :confused: My psychologist knows what is going on in my head because I am very honest with her. She said to me she really doesn't believe I am at high risk of suicide because I keep going for the kids. I know how much it would screw them up if I ended it all...and as much as I would like to at times getting up for them each day is what keeps me going. So don't worry too much when I say I just want to sleep it is just me getting it out IYKWIM. As I said my psychologist is very aware of where my head is at. I am not quite as honest with my GP and Psychiatrist simply because they could have me regulated if they wanted to...even though they know I'm struggling at the moemnt.

Once again thank you all for your kind words. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other (even though at the moment it feels like I'm going toe to heel instead of heel to toe :banghead: ).

Thank you for allowing me to just write and say it how it is. I don't mean to scare people it's just me getting it out. Thanks :ecomcity:

[Hokey Pokey]

Hey you aren't scary me, I can't help but worry because I am not there to support you in person. :crying: It makes me feel so awful because you were always there for me and now I can not be there for you.

All you can do is talk it thru with us, GP and Psych, keep everyone in the loop. Like you said, put one foot in front of the other and take it slowely.

What did your psych say when you sms her? What does Angela think about it??

[reddwarf]

My psychologist hasn't sms'd me back yet...probably because she is working today and would be in back-to-back sessions. Angela isn't working today being the weekend...but if I feel this awful on Monday still I'll call her for a chat.

Don't ever feel sad for leaving me...you did what you had to do and it has been the best thing for you and your family. I am really happy that you are doing so well down there. Miss you like crazy but know it was for the best. I do miss popping in for a coffee and a chat but this works too (sort of...lol)

[melfunction]

Not scaring me either...takes a lot to scare me away.

Just keep talking. We are here to help where and if we can.

[SJE]

Hi
I have just read this thread - I really hope for you and your family's sake you find the help that you need.

If the psychologist isnt making progress, I'd find another one.

Personally, I find it helpful to find the positive in the day and curb the negative thoughts. Recognise the minor symtoms and put the procedures in place before they become major issues .
Being happy now( and not when this is done or if its a sunny day or if someone does this or that) despite the circumstances helps. There is always going to be good and bad things happening. Building a list of negatives doesnt help anyone, but building a list of positives can make for a much happier life.

I am only telling you these things to try and help.

Lets hope everything turns out okay

[Hokey Pokey]

That was some nice advice there :yes:

[Will]

Just wanted to send some :hugs: your way. I really hope things improve for you! I really admire you for speaking up and recognizing what is going on and doing something about it. I really hope things get better for you, you are a brave woman! :hugs:

[Hokey Pokey]

Just poppin in to see how you are doing tonight.

[reddwarf]

After receiving pm's to see how I'm going I thought I would update you:

I'm absolutely exhausted :sleeping: - I'm not sleeping well - getting about 45mins-1hr at a time . My psychologist sms'd me today to touch base so she knows what is happening.

I attended a uni lecture from 9am-10am this am and I am totally fragged!!!! Statistics first lecture on a Monday, first day back is a bit hard to take :eek: (even when you are operating on all cylinders which I'm not :rolleyes: ).

I am just taking it gently on myself. I have done the bare essentials around the house i.e. the kitchen is clean, the kids are bathed and fed, and the washing is done (just not folded or ironed).

Thank you all for your kind words of support. It means alot to have this support :thumbsup:

[natasha]

Aw hun,:hugs: hope it all gets better for you soon. We are always here to listen okay.:hugs:

[~EmsMum~]

:hugs: I hope things are improving

[Percy]

:hugs: Hope things are starting to look up for you.:hugs:

[reddwarf]

Well I made it to uni yesterday and today. I was only there for an hour yesterday, but today was 9-3. I am totally FRAGGED!!!!!!!! first lecture back yesterday was statistics and then last 3 hours this arvo was statistics tutorial. I am feeling totally overwhelmed with the amount of work I ahve to do already and it's only day 2 :( . I have an assignment due next week (like week 2!!!!) :eek: and I just don't know how I'm going to do it. I think I'm just going to have to face that I can't do this and just give up on uni. I don't think I can do it :no:

[melfunction]

I just don't know how I'm going to do it. I think I'm just going to have to face that I can't do this and just give up on uni. I don't think I can do it :no:

Red, can you go part time?

[reddwarf]

I am part-time

[Hokey Pokey]

Aw don't give up.... go and speak to them they are really leniant.:hugs:
You have come a long way to get this far already!

[melfunction]

I am part-time

Well, in that case O&B's suggestion sounds like a good option. If you are upfront and honest with them, I'm sure you'll be able to come to an arrangement.

[Mumma]

Hey,

Just jumped on - and I know we don't know each other (but can relate to some things you are saying). Could you go to one subject instead of two. That way you still get the uni connection but a little less on your plate?


Take care

[anna's mum]

Have you tried the (free) counselling service at uni? They are really great for listening & suggesting ways of coping with the workload (I know you obviously have your own psych for other issues - I am just talking about the uni workload).

I have been a couple of times when things just got too much - remember, dropping uni, something that makes you happy & is a large part of your identity, is an extreme solution!

Hugs to you :hugs: