Confused & in need of advice... [Archive] - Bub Hub Pregnancy & Parenting Forum

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Sasy90

26-11-2009, 10:54

I'm really new to this & I'm hoping that someone has some advice...

I'm 19 (soon 20) & hav just found out I'm pregnant.. I just broke up with my bf of 3 yrs & have been seeing someone else. I'm not sure who the father is. I've been really open with the guy I'm seeing & he has been supportive but wants to know if the baby is his for sure before he tells me what he wants to do.. I have also told my ex bf that I'm preg but he doesn't no it may not be his..

What makes this harder for me is that I had an abortion in aug last yr as I had no support from my parents & my bf wanted no part in it.. This time around my ex bf wants me to have the baby & live happily ever after..

I have a full time job that pays fairly well (been here a year) but I live with my fairly strict parents..

Has anyone got any advice & do u no if DNA tests can b done while preg?

CookiesRYum

26-11-2009, 11:11

:hugs:
First off here is a big hug for you - seems like you are in a tough situation... but you will get there.. just breath and think about things...

Most importantly, it is early days and there is no rush or pressure for you to make a decision or know who the father is. It is great that you have been honest with both the guys and let them know what's going on.

I would suggest talking to a support group; I was pregnant when I was around 22 and in Victoria - we had Family Planning and they hooked me up with a coucellor who knew all the details and I could vent to her.

Really not sure about the DNA thing - I was under the impression that testing in utereo was not the norm; it was expensive and has possible complication. I thought generally DNA tests where carried out once the baby was born. But again; I could be wrong and I guess it if it really important to help you work out what you are doing then push to get one done.

I have no real advise for you; you have to do what is right for you - but whatever you decide have faith in your decision and you will get through. There are always options like keeping the baby, terminating or adopting and there is time for you to work through the pros and cons for each and things to possibly be discussed with both these guys. (perhaos once you have spoken to someone; you may want to talk to the ex about the fact that it *may not* be his kid?)

I do also think your decision about the baby can be seperate about your decision about these guys - I guess it seems all intertwined at the moment but you can seperate them. Say you really want to keep the baby and it's the ex's - it doesn't automatically mean you need to be with him as he wants?

I just wanted to add, that if you do decide to keep the baby (even if that means doing it alone) you will get there. Nothing is impossible and even though it may seem daunting now you will get there and you may even be surprised how supportive your family could be in the end.

Good luck, I don't imagine this is an easy time for you but you will get through and it may just be the start of a whole new beautiful chapter of your life.

:hugs:

leajones22

26-11-2009, 11:14

:hugs: it is not an easy situation for you to be in.

Yes they can do testing but I think it carries risks of M/C but I would speak to a gp about what the test involves and when it can be performed.

No matter what you decide to do you are going to need support. Maybe try talking to your parents and ask them to be there for you no matter what you decide to do. We all believe that our parents will be angry and upset at us but often find out when it is too late that they would have supported us no matter what.

Good Luck and I hope it works out for you.

Sasy90

26-11-2009, 18:24

Thanks for your replies!

i am just confused & dont really know what i want or how to split the issues...

i dont really want to go back to my ex if it is his so im secretly hoping its not...

im not so keen on abortions given im still not over the one i had last yr and have been on antidepressants since then.

my parents reacted really badly last time & i was in a relationship... cant imagine how they'd react knowing i didnt know who the father was!

CookiesRYum

26-11-2009, 18:32

Hi Sassy, I was waiting for you to reply...

HAve strength, you do have some ideas of what you want.

Like; that you don't want to be with your ex...and maybe you are not comfortable with an abortion..

I'm sorry to hear you have been struggling with your last abortion; has there been anyone you spoke to follow on from that ; did you speak to someone when you got your antidepressants?

There is no obligation for you to be with your ex - he may really want it, but it doesn't mean you have to go down that road regardless of your decision about the baby. Just say you keep the baby and he is the father - he will probably always be involved in your life and it may be a good thing that he helps suppor the baby.. but it DOESN'T mean you need to be with him.

You can be on your own, or with the new guy or whatever you feel comfortable and the ex can still play a role in raising this baby.

It is hard with parents; especially if you are living with them and will probably need their support if you keep bub.

I would really recommend you talking it out with a professional and work through how you feel and all your options. They will then be able to give you guidance for how to share your decision (whatever it may be) with all those ppl around you.

Sasy90

26-11-2009, 19:07

Yeah I guess I do have some idea..

I would like to avoid an abortion but I keep thinking, what about my career? What about my lifestyle?- what if all of a sudden I want to go partying or travel the world.. Where will I live & where will the money come from.. Will my family hate me forever... Will the guys resent me for having a baby they may not want?

I spoke to my gp & a psychologist but stopped after a few sessions... I haven't even told my doc yet(I went to a diff clinic coz I was worried wat my doc would day given that she prescribed me the pill like 3 wks ago- guess the damage was already done!)

Thanks so much for listening to me.. It's good to get it out

Amara

26-11-2009, 19:26

I'm pretty sure you can't have DNA testing done in Australia until after the bub is born.

As for you career, do not stress. Regardless of the situation you can still have that. It is not easy juggling a baby & a job but it can be done. I found that daycare was a lot cheaper than I expected it to be, particularly when I became single.

It does help enormously if you have supportive family, particularly if you are going to go back to work as you will need some help when bubs gets sick & day care wont take him/her.

IndigoJ

26-11-2009, 19:45

Hi. first of all big hugs to you. Just an idea, is there anyway you could work out who the dad is by how far along you are? when your last period was ect??? Might make things a bit easier :)

Good Luck with your decision :hugs:

Sasy90

26-11-2009, 19:57

im not even sure wen my last period was... and i dont even know when im due... i asked like no questions wen the doc said the blood test was positive bcoz im my mind i was thinking "cr*p, cr*p"

im not sure how that works... can they giv u a conception date?

CookiesRYum

26-11-2009, 20:13

sweety first things first make an app with a gp either the one you have seen regulary or if you not comfortable with that another one.

I am sure the regular gp is not going to judge they are there to help. They will be able to answer lots of your questions and point you in the **** direction. You can get a scan to see how far along you are and from that give you a pretty good idea me when you conceived which may help you work out who the dad is. Next your career will be fine most people don't even start a career until twenty five or even thirty. If you keep the cub it will be a little older by then and you will ready to make your mark. Is far as travel etc it's not for everyone. Of course there will be lots of sacrifis to make if you have baby but so many rewards too. And ultimately it about making a decision you lots me happy with and one that makes you feel better not worse. Look in your heart and follow it with truth and conviction and the universe will support you. I also really believe that even if your family be upset to begin with they will come around and love you and their grand baby. Sorry cant typos i an on my phone.

Sasy90

26-11-2009, 20:40

CookiesRYum

26-11-2009, 20:48

i guess ill just make an app with my usual doc & take it from there... im just worried ill make the wrong decision and hate myself for the rest of my life..

do u have to ask for a scan or do you get it automatically? there is time to sort it out we are never sure we make the right decision all you can do is be honest with yourself and know you made the best choice you knew how to make. You are the most important thing in this equation you need to be healthy and happy first and foremost and you should do whatever is going to make that possible. Think cant what you really want. What would really make you happy and would really make you sad and go for it. Guilt is a useless emotion and only server to hold you back. Remember you are a good person who wants to do the best thing in this situation. Don't judge yourself for how you feel. If you feel you want to keep the baby then do it. If you feel you not ready then don't feel pressure or guilt to keep it. Listen to yourself because it is yourself you have to have peace with. As for scan i think you need to ask or they don't do one to twelve weeks. They just call it a eating scan.

overitand36

26-11-2009, 21:15

Will my family hate me forever... Will the guys resent me for having a baby they may not want?

This is about you and what you want

It takes two to make a baby but its you that will have the responsibility of it for the rest of your life

I keep thinking, what about my career? What about my lifestyle?- what if all of a sudden I want to go partying or travel the world..

You have already had one abortion and all the things you are thinking now what happened when you were not having safe sex

prescribed me the pill like 3 wks ago- guess the damage was already done

Babies are not damages some of us actually want them

Sasy90

26-11-2009, 21:33

overitand36

26-11-2009, 21:42

CaraT thanks so much for your support.

Overitand36 I find your post a little offensive.. I didn't post here to be judged, I just wanted some support & advice. I was taught that if u don't have something nice to say then don't say anything at all.

Call it judging if you must but its a very important decision you are making. I just hope you get it this time.

I find it a little offensive that you take the whole contraception thing so casually and don't think of consequences. As far as things we where taught and being nice, this is not a matter of nice it is matter of a babies life, and other things you should have been taught also.

Sasy90

26-11-2009, 21:48

overitand36

26-11-2009, 22:07

I don't take contraception lightly so don't assume.. I had the implanon I'm my arm prior to being prescribed the pill.

It's not about being nice it's about respecting other ppl & taking into considerations how they feel & what they going through.

It was not assumed it was in your post, damage been done.

I will admit some parts of me are not the best to give advise we lost a baby earlier this year so I know pain also but I also know what your going through from many years ago.
I kept my child and made sure I did not but myself in the same position twice.

I know what I am saying is harsh, but you just need to get it, with of without support of other people. Its about what you can do and accept, if this is hard raising a child alone is harder.

Take some time you decide it not really about what I or others say to you its about your opinion of yourself and how you feel about you.

Enough of me I know it may not seem like it I do wish you all the best.

Pregnor

26-11-2009, 22:19

Your gp will probably send you for a dating scan, it wont be really accurate, but if you weren't sleeping with both guys at the same time, it might be accurate enough to figure out who the father is.

Its not a GPs job to judge you, its their job to treat you.

Good luck

IndigoJ

26-11-2009, 22:40

I don't take contraception lightly so don't assume.. I had the implanon I'm my arm prior to being prescribed the pill.

It's not about being nice it's about respecting other ppl & taking into considerations how they feel & what they r going through.

Hi sweetie. I too found the above posts offensive., There is a little red triangle in the top right hand side of peoples posts. If you find something offensive just click on it and fill out a report to send to the moderators. They will check it out and delete the posts if they too think they are offensive.

I was in a pretty much same position as you a few yrs ago, i now have a 19mth old beautiul boy. You need to worry about what you want, not what everyone will think about you or your decision. Go to sleep with the question on you mind then wake up and answer your question, your first thought in the morning is usually the one that you should follow.

You can work out conception date (depending on a few things) If you know when your last period was count 14days (if on a regular 28day cycle) that is most likely when you conceived. But you count how far you are from your last period. For eg if your last period was on 1st october, you may have conceived around the 14th october. But the doc will say you are 8wks now. But your little bub is actually only 6wks grown.

Good Luck. PM me anytime if you need to chat :)

Sasy90

27-11-2009, 06:23

Thanks for that indigoj, I'm on my phone posting so I don't see the red triangle but I'll look into it wen I'm on my comp..

I'll prob have to ask for a scan coz I can't for the life of me remember my last period.. Do u know generally by what stage you need to make a decision?

CookiesRYum

27-11-2009, 07:17

Hi Sasy

I also found the other post a little insensitive - you notice around here that ppl have their own agendas and get very emotional; I am sure they don't mean to upset others they just have alot of emotion and vent it out on other ppl.

It doesn't help though and it doesn't make your decision any easier. Don't feel your the only one that this happens to either - I have only been on a few months and have seen at least 4 girls getting the once over from women who have not dealt with their own issues in their own life and feel it is ok to pass all that hurt and biterness onto your poor shoulders.

I say just ignore them - it is a poor reflection on them not on you!!!

Now back to you - as far as time to decide - I am not 100% sure, but I kinda under the impression that the rough guideline is the first trimester - so up to 12weeks for a termination.

I agree with Indigo about your first reaction when you wake in the morning - this is generally your inner voice before it has been burdoned with the opinions and burdons of everyone else.

I have been pregnant twice in my life. The first time my inner voice clearly said I wasn't ready - I had a termination. It was not an easy decision - but overall I have no regrets and give myself permission to accept my decision as the best choice I knew how to make at the time. I have peace with my decision and for me that is all I need. I do not give two bloody hoots what anyone else thought then or now - my family didn't want me to keep it, but when I got rid of it they were a bit upset - just goes to show how emotional it is - and why you need to make a decision for yourself.

The 2nd time I was pregnant - I was a little afraid, but in a different way.. and when I woke up I was excited about the idea of having a baby - this time I knew FOR ME I WANTED to keep it. I went on to have a m.c but I have accepted that that is just fate and life and do not even think that maybe it is punishment for my first termination or whatever.

Life happens and all sorts of experiences come our way - every other day their is a fork in the road where we need to choose. Regardless of our decisions, the ones that tend to be the best ones are the ones where we listen to ourselves and ask with courage and strength rather then fear and guilt.

Obviously this is a really big fork - and the consequences of either decision have a big impact on your life so you need time to think it through. Like I said I think the 'norm' is up to around 12 weeks and I can't imagine you are that far along yet?

I can see pros and cons of all options, but I don't know how each would relate to you personally so that is something you need to decide for yourself.

I will share one thing though, and it is just my OPINION so please disregard it if you don't agree - I am not trying to influence your decision I am just telling you how I FEEL - like I said I have no regrets about terminating my first pregnancy and although it would have been tough I would have terminated my 2nd if I really felt it was in my best interest and the babies. Personally, I see so many ppl on here who are really really struggling to raise kids - it can be hard and tough adn probably harder and tougher then we imagine. I don't ALWAYS think it is in the best interest of the kid to have it NO MATTER WHAT.

Having said that, I also think that no one is really ever ready to have a baby - we all freak out. I am 29; paying off a house; have been with my partner for 8 years and married for for nearly 2. He has a good job and we are doing ok. I freaked out when I found out I was pregnant a few months back - financially it would have really impacted us. But FOR ME I thought although it would be a struggle the kid would still have a good life and in this case for me it was the right thing to do to keep it. I would wake up in the middle of night and freak out and think OMG - I am not ready for this (but there was always excitement not just dread like I had the first time)

Sorry for the rant, but just try to shut out the world and think about what your heart wants - sure their are pros and cons for every option (including adoption which is something I don't think is an option for me but for lots of ppl is). Although this is a logical decision that has practical implications it is really at its core a decision of your heart and soul.

Imagine 5 yrs from now how your life would be with either decision and how YOU WOULD FEEL - for some ppl a termination is something that haunts them forever and causes them alot of pain, for others raising a todler possibly on their own with little support from and financial pressure puts far more of an emotional strain on the person. PUT YOURSELF FIRST - ppl guilt you to think about the baby etc, but ultimately if your decision leaves you so emotionally impaired that you can't function how are you any good to a baby anyway? YKWIM? There is no dishonour in not putting yourself first; their is no punish you need to suffer as a result of your actions. Just think about what you want and what will make you FEEL THE BEST and be the happiest healthiest person.

Help Me Please

27-11-2009, 09:12

:hugs::hugs::hugs:Big Hugs To You.
The only advice I can give to you is take time to think about all your options.Dont rush into anything that you will regret later on.
I will suggest a consellor to allow you to vent.I saw one a few weeks ago and she barely spoke just allowed me to say what was on my mind and come to my own decisions,she was pretty much just my sounding board.

I agree with CaraT.Shut the world out and listen to what your heart wants.
Best of luck to you no matter what you decide.

Sasy90

28-11-2009, 12:14

Hi guys, sorry for the delayed reply, my Internet has been playing up.

Thanks for all the support, I'm still no closer to making a decision. I've pretty much cut off my ex for now, he's just been stressing me out & confusing me more. The other guy i've been seeing has been amazingly supportive tho so I'm really relieved that I've got someone on my side..

I made an app with my usual gp for next wk so I can talk it through with her & try find out when I conceived.

I'm kinda just hoping that somehow & somewhere I'll just get some sorta sign or some kind of certainty about it all- stupid I know...