Should I just let my kids do what they want?

[mum2bubba]

I'm sick of yelling and screaming at them. All they do is whinge and fight and throw tantrums. Skye wanted a chocolate milk and I told her to wait, so she threw a bottle of chocolate topping on the floor and the lid came off. Now theres chocolate all over the carpet that I can't get out. I put the kids outside cos I was going mad and now they're screaming and banging on the door cos they want to come in and Skye now wants Coke (no way is she getting Coke). Every single day I yell at them for something. I have tried the positive parenting approach but it lasts 5 minutes. If I could afford it, I'd put the two of them in daycare all day every day. If I say no to Skye her devil horns come out. She doesn't get to sleep til almost midnight at night (despite having a set routine and in bed by 7:30) and lately Hayley has been answering back and not wanting to go to bed either. What am I doing wrong? :hair:

Another thing. All they want to do is watch tv. They say they're bored if its not on. I said they are no longer to watch tv (well only for a short while in the day) but they are to do other things. I don't want to spend every second with them. I want some to for myself. I just wish they wouldn't fight and whinge.

[Skittles]

My two are like this atm. Other than the sleep problems. We have it the other way around. They are up at the crack of dawn and then exhausted by evening. They constantly want to watch tv although i gets turned off after their picked cartoon each. I try to entertain them with colouring and games and walks etc....but we always end up straight back at the begining with them fighting, throwing tantrums etc. If you feel like a chat let me know. Im on msn and fb.

[Miss_N]

HUGE HUGE :hugs:'s!!!

You sound really overwhelmed!!!

I think you need to put on a movie or something to entertain the girls and sit down and think of a game plan.

Maybe you need to make a poster for them of the house rules with pictures to match.

They could be simple rules like

Use your manners.

No yelling inside.

Keep your hands and feet to yourself.

Then you could have little pictures next to each rule to show them what you mean.

You could sit them down - show them the poster and tell them that these are the new house rules. IF they break a rule they will get a warning. IF they continue to do the wrong thing they will get a time out.

You could give them however many mins time out as their age. So Skye would 2 or 3 mins and Hayley 5 mins.

I guess like anything this will require dedication and follow through. It might be tough to begin with but when they know you mean business then they will understand and hopefully follow the house rules.

I think they also need positive rewards...so you could have a sticker chart and every time they DO use their manners they could get a sticker then 5 stickers could = something bigger in terms of a reward.

I hope this helps. :hugs:

[nothanksbye]

awwww I hate it when it gets chaotic like that.

They sound bored...my kids go troppo when bored and usually look to causing trouble for entertainment.

Turn of the television...it only makes them worse.

Can you go to a $2 shop and buy some board games, craft stuff, books...etc.


Also a reward chart is great idea.

We have one. They get ticks for 1/2 hour blocks of good behaviour. crosses for not so good.
At the end of the day we add them up.
We have rewards of choosing the bedtime story, picking your seat for dinner...etc.

At the end of the week anyone who has more ticks then crosses gets a prize from the prize bucket.

[mum2bubba]

My two are like this atm. Other than the sleep problems. We have it the other way around. They are up at the crack of dawn and then exhausted by evening. They constantly want to watch tv although i gets turned off after their picked cartoon each. I try to entertain them with colouring and games and walks etc....but we always end up straight back at the begining with them fighting, throwing tantrums etc. If you feel like a chat let me know. Im on msn and fb.

I am on FB. I will PM you.


HUGE HUGE :hugs:'s!!!

You sound really overwhelmed!!!

I think you need to put on a movie or something to entertain the girls and sit down and think of a game plan.

Maybe you need to make a poster for them of the house rules with pictures to match.

They could be simple rules like

Use your manners.

No yelling inside.

Keep your hands and feet to yourself.

Then you could have little pictures next to each rule to show them what you mean.

You could sit them down - show them the poster and tell them that these are the new house rules. IF they break a rule they will get a warning. IF they continue to do the wrong thing they will get a time out.

You could give them however many mins time out as their age. So Skye would 2 or 3 mins and Hayley 5 mins.

I guess like anything this will require dedication and follow through. It might be tough to begin with but when they know you mean business then they will understand and hopefully follow the house rules.

I think they also need positive rewards...so you could have a sticker chart and every time they DO use their manners they could get a sticker then 5 stickers could = something bigger in terms of a reward.

I hope this helps. :hugs:

I will try this approach and see what happens.

[~BEXTER~]

No I wouldn't let them do what they want.

As other people have said it just sounds like they are bored.
You need to arrange activities for them to do and give them a structured day, like they would get a daycare.


start with breakfast then let them watch playschool or something.

maybe buy some jumbo chalk and let them draw on the cerment outside for a bit.
Get a blow up pool to give them water time.
Paints kids lover paints.

Then do lunch and maybe let them watch a movie.
Read a story
go for a walk to a park or pool something so they can burn off all that energy.

get dinner get them involved
let them watch simpsons or something
bath
make them help pack up the toys and clean their room
story then bed

I think that you just need to find what they like and set up activities fro the day.
and i think you need to look into daycare even one day a week would save you.

I just look around the junk shops and find cheap things I think will keep keiara entertained
dress ups
fake make up
bangles
pencils
glow sticks
she loves pasting

Hang in there I am sure it is just a stage I know I will be where you are soon and I will be having my second bub next year.

[MummaBear03]

Have you sat with them to try and teach them how to play productively with one another? It might sound silly, but it really can be that they don't know what to do, and I agree with others who have said it could be that they're bored. If you have Duplo or something that they can both play with it might be an idea for you to sit with them, get them playing together then step back and watch. Be willing to step in if they start to fight again and just calmly talk to them about what you expect, which might be saying something like "Remember we need to share our toys, how about you give that piece to Skye and now and you might like to use this piece to make something with it." It's really simple, and it worked for me most of the time. I had 5 of them and the 2 girls (both 5) would be fighting over something, the 7 year old boy would be cracking it because the 3 year old and 1 year old were getting into his things, the 3 and 1 year olds (both boys) would be fighting and getting into things they shouldn't, it was a nightmare until I sat down and spent about a week just teaching them how to play with one another, and teaching them what they can play with and what's not for them to play with. For instance, the Duplo might be good for the 1 and 3 year olds, the train track and hot wheels were good for all of them, the 7 year old had things that were just for him and none of the other kids, there were things for the 2 girls and the older boy, and they all had to learn what was theirs and what wasn't, and play productively together with what they were allowed to have. It worked wonders! I have to do it at work often, a class full of 12 3 year olds who all want the same toy and not willing to share can turn chaotic, let me tell you! But to teach them how to play properly together can build so many other life skills such as working together as a team, building trust that the other person is going to play just like they are, it teaches them to co-operate and adapt to another person's idea.

ETA: It's also amazing how much you can change things by turning a negative into a positive. "Stop fighting" can easily become "How about you 2 come over here and I'll teach you a game you can play together" or "Hayley, how about you have a turn on the swings, and Skye, you might like to do some drawing on a piece of paper" or "I'm going to set up some paper and some paints now for 2 little girls who are being nice to one another, I wonder if there might be 2 little girls being nice to one another" and also using words like fantastic, beautiful, brilliant, etc when they are doing something positive like playing nicely together can make a world of difference to little kids. Thanking them in the afternoons for a pleasant morning is another thing that creates "warm fuzzies" in them.

[missie_mack]

Give them a job to do. Make christmas cards out of old mags or do a concert and see how it works out.

Can't be fun yelling at your kids all day :no:

[Seacretsquirrel]

I am going through the same thing with DD who is nearly 3. She is getting rather defiant I try to keep her entertained too some things we do include:
Making playdough (the recipe is on the container of Cream of Tartar (I usually halve it and it makes about a breadroll sized ball of dough (so if you do the whole recipe you'll get about that for each girl)
We do lots of painting using just food colouring and water I gave her a white crayon the other day and we did magic pictures (you can use colours too and do a colour wash with the food colour water mix)
Goop (corn flour and water mix)
bubble painting using food colour, water and dish washing liquid -you pop the mixture in a fairly large bowl with a big surface area (but not too deep - like a lasagne or cake pan) then place paper over the top and use a straw to blow bubbles which puts neat patterns on the paper - might be better for Hayley cause Skye my drink though the straw rather than blow.
bubbles
I agree with glow sticks they are a big hit here too.

You could make damper or scones too then they have something to share at the end (though perhaps you might need to do one too as they go a bit flat if the kids knead all the air out of them :laughing: )

Good luck ..... off to yell at mine to get off her brother :rolleyes:

[Refresh]

HI :) Do you think it is also possible that they are acting out a bit more than usual due to having a new bubs? Maybe you could tkal to them about it? Just a thought xxx

[Just Add Water]

We've tried it all too with DD but not getting us anywhere... we don't let her do what she wants but my god I totally understand the urge to just throw your hands up and give up *hugs* Keep going with and when Grant gets home just hand him the bubs and tell home you'll be back in a bit. You need to get some time for you, hon. Reward charts and all of that are great - but not for all kids. I know, I have one who in all honestly could not give a crap. By all means give it a shot, but don't think you're doing something wrong if it doesn't work.

[NonnyMouse]

One thing that springs to mind is how you said the PP approach only worked for 5 minutes. DD was an absolute feral for quite a few years and we found PP would work for a very short time, until she figured out what we were doing and then she'd double her efforts to break the boundaries. It did get worse before it got better, and consistency is still the key. Start as you mean to finish, I reckon. This would include tv, coke etc. You are allowed to say no, and they are expected to protest. Generally though, if you stick to "no means no" and don't get drawn into battles and tantrums over it, then it does eventually sink in.

Good luck! It's not a fun place to be.

[mum2bubba]

I think they are bored and also tired. I have been meaning to sort out their toys and throw some things out (or give things to good will) cos they don't play with them anymore. They have cards, board games, dress ups etc but I think they want more stuff, we even have some of that outdoor pavement chalk but they just whinge. Skye is in bed now and Hayley is painting a box. I am getting them some more toys and things for Xmas so hopefully they like them. I usually do have structured play (though it varies from day to day) but lately with SKye not sleeping and me being cranky I just can't cope. I will take them to the park later and maybe they can fly their kites.

Skye goes to occasional care for three hours on Thursdays and I'm thinking about putting her in Tuesdays too for three hours. Hayley goes to kinder 3 days a week and we go to playgroup on Fridays (also thinking about joining another one on Wednesdays) and sometimes we meet up with a few mums from Facebook at the local playcenter.

[biscotti]

I know you said you want some time to yourself, but my suggestion would be to actually spend more time with them, to set them up so to speak to be able to play without the constant whinging and carrying on. The only way to do this is to get in there and start modelling great play skills, showing them how to play, being involved in their play, encouraging them to use their words and not their bodies to resolve conflicts, to speak nicely and to ask and not demand when they want something etc etc Turn the tv off and keep it off and get stuck into some great make believe games, dress ups, playdough, painting etc
Try it for a week or two and see what the results are :yes:

My own 3 yr old and 2 yr old can play endlessly now together without an issue (well the occasional one but quickly resolved) and it's wonderful....for them and for me.

[mum2bubba]

I know you said you want some time to yourself, but my suggestion would be to actually spend more time with them, to set them up so to speak to be able to play without the constant whinging and carrying on. The only way to do this is to get in there and start modelling great play skills, showing them how to play, being involved in their play, encouraging them to use their words and not their bodies to resolve conflicts, to speak nicely and to ask and not demand when they want something etc etc Turn the tv off and keep it off and get stuck into some great make believe games, dress ups, playdough, painting etc
Try it for a week or two and see what the results are :yes:

My own 3 yr old and 2 yr old can play endlessly now together without an issue (well the occasional one but quickly resolved) and it's wonderful....for them and for me.

Thankyou, I know I do need to spend more time with them some days I do some days I don't. Some days I don't want to be around them and I feel awful for thinking this, I did kinder duty yesterday with Hayley (Grant took the day off so he could stay home with the younger two) and she loved it. The thing is though, I am the one that spends more time with them, I read to them, play games, cards (been teaching Hayley Uno lately), arts and crafts, park etc but Grant doesn't.

[lochiebearsmum]

Lochie never ever plays by himself i always need to be with him,,, but i am able to set up a structured activity and then can flick through the junk mail while he is in the middle of his hard work... however i would rather play happily and be involved rather than having a child that is bored and whingy and then consequently putting me in a bad mood,... sounds like they need stimulation have you also thought of playgroups, gymnastics etc?
Just remember in another 10 years or so we will be embarassing to them and we will be wishing the days back that they wanted us to play with them!

[SuperGranny]

hi cassie , nothing works in an instant. bad habits take awhile to break. you need to learn some patience with yourself and with the children. please dont be offended by my words, im talking from my heart and I do understand where you are coming from. Overriding all of the discipline problems is the problem with Grant, you dont feel he supports you, and you feel the pressure of it all, could just break you. Im thinking the first change has to be with you, and I dont mean try to be more peaceful, I mean you Have to be more peaceful, and calm. Start collecting books from the library, read anything at all that deals with kids, or parenting, or mothering, or even housework tips, just whatever, Im sure if you start to give yourself more information, and more ideas, some you can toss away, but some you just might use. When you find something that can suit you, then follow that for at least 6 months, not a few weeks , or a few days, but a good long time, and then Im sure you will find it works. Nothing will change unless you make the change first. Like Micheal Jackson, "start with the Man in the Mirror". hugs Marie.

[biscotti]

The thing is though, I am the one that spends more time with them, I read to them, play games, cards (been teaching Hayley Uno lately), arts and crafts, park etc but Grant doesn't.

I understand, I do. Please don't be offended, but I think it's time for Grant to turn the tv (or the nintendo or the playstaion or whatever it is that he would rather do than be with those girls) OFF and get involved. I have read lots of your posts over time with a similar theme.

In ten years time when the girls are entering their teens he is going to have all the time he wants to do that stuff but he's only going to get one go at this so he'd better make it a good one!

My husband works long hours too and even though yesterday he had a particularly gruelling day, the first thing he did when he got home was chuck off his tie, grab some boardies and he took the girls down to the jetty for half an hour to feed the fish. He does this all the time and even though it's only half an hour, it gives me a bit of breathing space to get things sorted up here at the house but also gives our girls some much loved and anticipated Daddy time. I don't have to ask him, he just does it, and he likes to do it....he does the bath and the reading too when he can.

Sorry, didn't mean to turn this into a Daddy thing but I do think you need some back up from your husband.

[mum2bubba]

I understand, I do. Please don't be offended, but I think it's time for Grant to turn the tv (or the nintendo or the playstaion or whatever it is that he would rather do than be with those girls) OFF and get involved. I have read lots of your posts over time with a similar theme.

In ten years time when the girls are entering their teens he is going to have all the time he wants to do that stuff but he's only going to get one go at this so he'd better make it a good one!

My husband works long hours too and even though yesterday he had a particularly gruelling day, the first thing he did when he got home was chuck off his tie, grab some boardies and he took the girls down to the jetty for half an hour to feed the fish. He does this all the time and even though it's only half an hour, it gives me a bit of breathing space to get things sorted up here at the house but also gives our girls some much loved and anticipated Daddy time. I don't have to ask him, he just does it, and he likes to do it....he does the bath and the reading too when he can.

Sorry, didn't mean to turn this into a Daddy thing but I do think you need some back up from your husband.

Every now and then he'll spend a bit of time with them like maybe play cards with Hayley, read books (though he hates doing it) and occasionally he comes to the park with us, Hayley is always asking to go to the park and I take them. He is taking Nathan to the doctors tonight cos they both have coughs, I know thats not really daddy time and I'm sure Nath won't really know or care cos he's only 4 months old. He sits on the couch alot when hes not working, when I suggest doing things all I get is "nup" or "I just want to relax' If I go out and leave the kids with him he might play cards but usually he just lets the kids do what they want and has Skye down for a nap even longer than usual so he doesn't have to deal with her. One time I went to my sisters, was gone for about 4 hours, I put Skye to bed before I left (though not sure how long it took her to get to sleep) and got back she was still in the room. She was awake though.

I think I have given up on this I really do.

I would love it if Grant read to the kids before bed and bathed them some nights. Without me telling him to. My dad always read to my sisters and I before bed no matter what, It was something we looked foward to.

[Fuchsia!]

Believe me, letting them do what they want will come back and bite you in the butt.

1st of all if they are constanting whinging for chocolate milk or coke or anythihng they shouldn't have, then chuck it out. If they can't have it then don't have it in the house. It will make things a lot easier.

If its treats, hide them up in your cupboard and bring them out now and then.

2nd of all try distracting them, if she is starting to chucka tantrum, start running saying you can't catch me, and divert the attention to something new.

And again, tell Grant to get off his @ss and help you. I don't want to sound mean but seriously, nearly every single vent post of yours always says how he doesn't do anything, never helps, never wants to go anywhere.

You need to tell him and be serious, that if he doesn't pick his game up then its not going to last, do you really want to be the only one playing a part in your childrens life? Do you really want him to sit on his @ss and watch you do everything? Can you really imagine that for the rest of your life?

[mum2bubba]

Believe me, letting them do what they want will come back and bite you in the butt.

1st of all if they are constanting whinging for chocolate milk or coke or anythihng they shouldn't have, then chuck it out. If they can't have it then don't have it in the house. It will make things a lot easier.

If its treats, hide them up in your cupboard and bring them out now and then.

2nd of all try distracting them, if she is starting to chucka tantrum, start running saying you can't catch me, and divert the attention to something new.

And again, tell Grant to get off his @ss and help you. I don't want to sound mean but seriously, nearly every single vent post of yours always says how he doesn't do anything, never helps, never wants to go anywhere.

You need to tell him and be serious, that if he doesn't pick his game up then its not going to last, do you really want to be the only one playing a part in your childrens life? Do you really want him to sit on his @ss and watch you do everything? Can you really imagine that for the rest of your life?

I have tried getting Grant to help, he will but it will last 5 minutes. I have given up asking him to do anything with us cos he just won't.

[MummaBear03]

I have tried getting Grant to help, he will but it will last 5 minutes. I have given up asking him to do anything with us cos he just won't.

Don't ask him anymore. Tell him. Give him direction and order him if it comes to that. Tell him that the marriage is not going to work long-term if he puts in no effort with the children.

I still think that you need to teach them to play constructively together though, and that will mean plenty of hard work on your part for a while but it will pay off in the end. Also, make the boundaries clear and be consistent and clear with what you expect, not just from the children but from your DH as well. Family's take a lot of time, patience and hard work to keep going, but if you slack off now you will only create more work for yourself that's even harder down the track.

[Fuchsia!]

Don't ask him anymore. Tell him. Give him direction and order him if it comes to that. Tell him that the marriage is not going to work long-term if he puts in no effort with the children.



I agree, i wouldn't bother asking. He isn't doing it cause he knows you will eventually give up. Be firm with him, tell what needs to be done and don't stop telling him until its done.

Tell him that things are going to change around the place, and if he doesn't like it then he can leave.

[mum2bubba]

I agree, i wouldn't bother asking. He isn't doing it cause he knows you will eventually give up. Be firm with him, tell what needs to be done and don't stop telling him until its done.

Tell him that things are going to change around the place, and if he doesn't like it then he can leave.

I do tell him. A few times I've said things like "when th kids go to bed you can help me fold the clothes" it doesn't happen though. I even put the damn clothes in front of him and told him that I will folds some and he can fold some (he didn't even have to get off the couch) still didn't happen. He has told me if I don't like the way he is then "theres the door" I think next time I will consider taking his advice. I am exhausted with all of this. Doesn't help when the kids are feral either. Also his stuipd mother and grandparents always say he shouldn't have to do anything cosd he works all day. I hate them.

[HollyHotLips]

Just wanted to give you a :hugs:because I know where you are coming from, I have so many days where I feel all I do is tell DD off!! I think half of the problem is at the moment I can't do a great deal of playing with her whereas DH is with her constantly at the weekend keeping her amused - which is great, I'm not knocking it, just makes it hard when she wants me to do stuff that I just can't do at the moment.

You say your other half doesnt help.... when DD was younger pretty much as soon as DH came home I would take the dog out for a walk - 20 mins, half an hour of time just to myself, not having to think about anything. Maybe you could try the same, dont give him a chance to argue, be ready so when he walks in you walk out and have some time to yourself. Works wonders... :sunshine:

[Fuchsia!]

he treats you like sh!t! Please don't put up with it, maybe consider couples counselling or something, it isn't fair on you and the children that he treats you this way. Its just not on.

[SassyMummy]

I've only got the one to do this so no real fighting here (unless you count her yelling at me/the cat)... but otherwise she's pretty similar.

Lately I've pretty much banned TV. She gets to watch very little of it, and so she's spending a lot more time colouring. She pretty much just colours and draws all day long. It bothers me a little cos I think she should be doing something else too... but meh. She seems to enjoy it and I'm pretty sure I just spent most of my time drawing and playing Barbies when I was little...

When she's not colouring, she's following me around, getting in my way, getting under my feet, climbing on me, staring at me, bursting in on me while I'm showering/in the toilet/etc.

It's almost starting to feel like I've got a house-guest who has stayed for far too long... I just want to GET AWAY FROM HER sometimes, and it seems that it's so very hard to do (even when she's colouring, she's yammering on and on and on and demands a reply).

I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for you not having Grant help out either... DDs father didn't help much either, and even though I've done it all on my own before too, it's so much worse to know that someone CAN help but WON'T for whatever reason.

[faroutbrusselsprout]

Seeing everyone is being honest I will be too.
I cannot see how childen would be happy with a frazzled, tired stressed out mum, and a dad who treats their Mum like a piece of crap on his shoe.
Children are so incredibly intuitive and pick on cues from their parents. It seems you have no joy in your life and your kids are starting to suffer..

Cassie my marriage is far far from perfect, and I almost feel like a hypocrite offering advice when I only just recently decided to stay in my marriage! But our situations are very different.

On the weekend Dh baked with DS1, got up to DS2 for four nights in a row so I could get some full nights sleep, walked with the boys and cooked dinner and I went out on a girls night etc etc.
He cleans, tidies, cooks and is a great dad and husband to a point... (unfortunately he has a severe addiction to spending money and has spent $22,000 on "stuff" without my knowledge.) Absolutely horrendous and I was planning on leaving but we are BOTH going to intensive councilling and talk everyday about his issues and how we are going to make this work.
He has a illness but is a very decent man and has never treated me as badly as what Grant does to you....IMHO
I'm sorry to ramble on about my situation I just want to make the point that it takes TWO people to make a marriage work and it is HARD work.
He sounds like he has no interest in this marriage let alone making your life a little more enjoyable.
Don't let your girls think that this is OK to be treated this way

lots of hugs :hugs:
and I sincerely hope I haven't offended :o

[mum2bubba]

Just wanted to give you a :hugs:because I know where you are coming from, I have so many days where I feel all I do is tell DD off!! I think half of the problem is at the moment I can't do a great deal of playing with her whereas DH is with her constantly at the weekend keeping her amused - which is great, I'm not knocking it, just makes it hard when she wants me to do stuff that I just can't do at the moment.

You say your other half doesnt help.... when DD was younger pretty much as soon as DH came home I would take the dog out for a walk - 20 mins, half an hour of time just to myself, not having to think about anything. Maybe you could try the same, dont give him a chance to argue, be ready so when he walks in you walk out and have some time to yourself. Works wonders... :sunshine:

Going for a walk is a good idea actually, we don't have a dog but I can go with Nathan I guess. I was going to take the girls to the park tonight but didn't get round to it, Grant has taken Nathan to the doctors and he put Skye's nappy and pjs on before he left. I had to get the nappy, pjs and Skye and tell (not ask) him to do it but he still did it. I might try that tomorrow night, just go out for a bit (even just half an hour) and tell him to get the kids ready for bed. I sometimes go to the shopping center for a bit of late night shopping Thursdays or Fridays. Sometimes we all go, sometimes I go on my own.

[mum2bubba]

I put Skye to bed at bit later than usual tonight and let the kids play outside for a bit, we'll see what happens.

Grant has days where he'll help out a little (even though I have to ask/tell him) and other days where he won't. I need his help every day, even just to get the kids pjs on of a night and read them a book before bed that would help me heaps. When I had Nathan he took 3 weeks off work to help me, he actually DID help, he took Hayley to kinder and picked her up, fed Nathan sometimes and changed his nappies, tidied the place, did dishes, mopped the kitchen floor (only once but meh, I don't do it every day either) it was great. But as soon as he went back to work that all stopped. I mean he'll help out every now and then but like I said, I have to tell him. I feel like his mother sometimes.

Skye settled down after a nap today so hopefully she (and I) will be better tomorrow. I might go to the shops and get some more arts and craft things for them.