Positive C/S experience but still not coping

[KiahsMum]

In July I had my second unwanted C/S due to breech. I had a much better experience with this bub, skin to skin contact, breastfeeding in recovery and she stayed with me as did DH unlike my first. For the first 6-8 weeks I thought I had come through without the regrets I had with DD's C/S but now 4 months on I am not coping so well with the fact I had the C/S instead of the VBAC I wanted and don't know what to do. DD2 was most likely my last bub as DH doesn't want any more and I can't stand the fact I will never feel a contraction, never go into labour, never try and birth a baby into the world and actually see them arrive, never know if I was capable of birthing a baby...:gloomy:

I have recently been told I am mildly PND and I believe the C/S is a big part of this and I don't know what to do or how to deal with it, I can't change it and I can't go back and I can't hope for a better outcome with my next one...so what do I do? How do I come to terms with all this? How do I heal from it...

Sorry just needed to get it out...

[Little-Pink-Hen]

:hugs: :hugs:
I don't have any advice just wanted to say hugs
I know ill feel like this and kinda feel a bit ripped off now. I had my first bub almost four months ago and needed a c/s due to breach in a way I was angry at dd as she was breached. I had the same hopes for labour as you did

[Guest]

I realised your dd2 was born the same day as my ds:yelclap:What a great birthday!!
I'm hoping for a vbac with no.2 but am content that if I end up with another c/s there will be nothing I could do to change it.
I don't know how your feeling, but imo you did everything you could, 9 months of pregnancy and you did birth your baby. You have 2 healthy beautiful children and that's all that matters in the end and it's the whole point of why we go through pregnancy and labour, to hold that baby in our arms and start our lives. All scars and memories will heal, focus on the positives for now and try not to look back over what could of been and what is... You didn't get the birth you wanted, but the most precious part is yours and you did a damn good job in bringing a child into the world, you should feel proud and blessed. Hope you feel better soon :hugs:

[3lilcutipies]

I agree with mybabyleo, you DID birth your baby. She grew inside you for 9 months and you loved and protected her from the moment she was conceived. I had my DS1 naturally and had an horrendous birth experience and did not bond well with him in the 1st couple of days due to this. My DS2 was born by CS due to placenta praevia and despite the stress of possible complications etc I bonded really well with him. And my DD was also a CS by my choice and the bonding was instant. I am just as proud of how they came into the world as I am my DS1. The most important thing is they are here and they are healthy. I can understand why you feel the way you do. But try to look at it in a positive light. You did what was right for your baby, to make sure they were safe and healthy. You should be proud of yourself. Don't waste a minute of their precious little lives worrying about things you can't change :hugs:

[poppygirl]

:hugs::hugs:Hey, just wanting to say i can empathise with you so strongly.

After my caesarian, I had those same feelings about never having experienced a contraction or any element of labour, and it was a horrible empty feeling. I had PND largely linked to this and sought counselling from a psychologist to try and deal with the fact i hadn't been able to give birth "naturally". She was a lovely lady but we just didn't "click" and i stopped seeing her....she just didn't understand why i would have feelings of grief around not having a vaginal birth, when, as people so often say, i had a "beautiful healthy baby" :hair: (so in other words, who cares how he got here).

If you were able to find a good psych/counsellor though...maybe someone who specialises in women's health...i think it could help ...i did find it helpful just to sit in a room with a neutral person and cry and cry and cry and talk about how i felt. If you get a good one, who can actually support you to work through those feelings, i think that could be really helpful.

I don't know what else to say to support you in your healing...I think time has a lot to do with deadening that really strong feeling of remorse and sadness and grief....for me it took about 18 months i think for it to lose its rawness. It still makes me really sad and angry, but i can think about it in a more detached way now without breaking into tears!

I think that to grieve for a vaginal birth is a really normal, healthy, natural way to feel. After my caesarian, i felt like i was pregnant and then about 20 minutes later I had a baby.....(.i hate the whole overused "journey" thing!!), but i think that in a "normal" labour, there is a journey that can stretch over many many hours and i think that over that time, your mind and heart can sort of travel with each hour with the baby, so that when it is finally born, your heart and head have reached a different place at the same time as your baby...if that makes sense...but with a caesarian, your baby is just "there", there's no process involved, no build-up. Of course there is a 9 month build up, but in my mind, in that time, my baby was growing and getting ready to meet me, and the build up of labour never actually happened. I remember driving to the hospital on the day of my "elective" caesarian and willing my waters to break, willing a contraction to come along, so that even if i had to have a caesarian i still got to experience "something" of a natural birth.

I find it tricky to that there is a great celebration around birth stories...i think for the woman who has a caesarian, this can act as a constant reminder of what didnt happen. When I went to my very first Mothers Group at Child and Youth Health, we were asked to go around the room and tell our birth stories.....of course everyone went into great detail about what they were doing when they went into labour and into what happened after that....and the women who had had caesarians had very short stories!!! Birth stories are great to read when you are pregnant for the first time...i used to devour them....but now i avoid them like crazy because they just remind me of what i didn't have.

I am sorry for hijacking your thread!! I just feel like talking and talking until maybe i say something that clicks with you and maybe makes you feel something that you are looking for....i can't remember what the sites were, but i did refer to forums and sites in the past where women talked about similar feelings around this, and that helped me....maybe google some if you reckon it would help.

Anyway....all the best to you with your healingxxxxx

[KiahsMum]

Poppygirl - Not a hijack at all, at least I am not going nuts and there are others who feel this way. Get a lot of 'You have a healthy baby what is the issue?' comments and I don't think people who say this can understand they way you seem to why this is a big issue for me and how I feel about it. I hope your next birth is exactly what you want and is an amazing experience for you!

[KyD]

Hi Ladies,
Thanks you Poppygirl for your story it is reassuring to see that people make it thru. Is there any advice you can give to family members to help someone thru this?

My sister gave birth last week after 2 years of trying to concieve and fertility treatments. She had an emergency c/s after 26 hours of labour due to Bub's heart rate dropping out with every contraction. She blames herself for not going to the hospital sooner (she was at home for 18 hours as her waters hadn't broken and contractions hadn't become regular, which was what the hospital told her to look out for before she came in, although she had lot her plug). She had some feeding problems early on but they seem to have resolved as much as one could expect in the first week for a first time mum.

She is also refusing to sleep when he sleeps, pushing herself to keep the house clean for visitors and make meals every night. Shes only been home since Sunday but is pushing herself soooo hard.

Her DH is speaking for her at all they're appointments saying she is fine, however she then breaks down in tears every day to our mum on the phone and I just am not sure what advice she should be getting. I believe she needs to speak to someone, but I can't see her being strong enough to tell her DH that she needs help on an emotional level.

I realise that it is really early and half the problem may be hormones fluctuating and finding their balance, but at what point does the decision need to be made to find other sources of help?
ANY advice would be welcome as I am really worried about her.

[baby no 2]

:hugs::hugs:Hey, just wanting to say i can empathise with you so strongly.

After my caesarian, I had those same feelings about never having experienced a contraction or any element of labour, and it was a horrible empty feeling. I had PND largely linked to this and sought counselling from a psychologist to try and deal with the fact i hadn't been able to give birth "naturally". She was a lovely lady but we just didn't "click" and i stopped seeing her....she just didn't understand why i would have feelings of grief around not having a vaginal birth, when, as people so often say, i had a "beautiful healthy baby" :hair: (so in other words, who cares how he got here).

If you were able to find a good psych/counsellor though...maybe someone who specialises in women's health...i think it could help ...i did find it helpful just to sit in a room with a neutral person and cry and cry and cry and talk about how i felt. If you get a good one, who can actually support you to work through those feelings, i think that could be really helpful.

I don't know what else to say to support you in your healing...I think time has a lot to do with deadening that really strong feeling of remorse and sadness and grief....for me it took about 18 months i think for it to lose its rawness. It still makes me really sad and angry, but i can think about it in a more detached way now without breaking into tears!

I think that to grieve for a vaginal birth is a really normal, healthy, natural way to feel. After my caesarian, i felt like i was pregnant and then about 20 minutes later I had a baby.....(.i hate the whole overused "journey" thing!!), but i think that in a "normal" labour, there is a journey that can stretch over many many hours and i think that over that time, your mind and heart can sort of travel with each hour with the baby, so that when it is finally born, your heart and head have reached a different place at the same time as your baby...if that makes sense...but with a caesarian, your baby is just "there", there's no process involved, no build-up. Of course there is a 9 month build up, but in my mind, in that time, my baby was growing and getting ready to meet me, and the build up of labour never actually happened. I remember driving to the hospital on the day of my "elective" caesarian and willing my waters to break, willing a contraction to come along, so that even if i had to have a caesarian i still got to experience "something" of a natural birth.

I find it tricky to that there is a great celebration around birth stories...i think for the woman who has a caesarian, this can act as a constant reminder of what didnt happen. When I went to my very first Mothers Group at Child and Youth Health, we were asked to go around the room and tell our birth stories.....of course everyone went into great detail about what they were doing when they went into labour and into what happened after that....and the women who had had caesarians had very short stories!!! Birth stories are great to read when you are pregnant for the first time...i used to devour them....but now i avoid them like crazy because they just remind me of what i didn't have.

I am sorry for hijacking your thread!! I just feel like talking and talking until maybe i say something that clicks with you and maybe makes you feel something that you are looking for....i can't remember what the sites were, but i did refer to forums and sites in the past where women talked about similar feelings around this, and that helped me....maybe google some if you reckon it would help.

Anyway....all the best to you with your healingxxxxx
what a great way to explain a vb that is just how i felt with my first baby being born, i am now pregnant again and in deep danger of a c/s
and im only 21 weeks along and cant cope with the thought of having one and missing out on what i had with my first...............

all the best.....

[Mathermy]

I'm so sorry:(:hugs::hugs:

[Liddy]

My heart really goes out to you, I defeniatly know how you feel, it's such a natural thing to feel as a woman! We're designed to birth babies! So of course we question why these things happen to us.

I have been through what you've been through. Not identically but I could have written the post myself.

My first was an emergency c-section, i did have a long 72 hour labour, she was resusitated at birth, sent to special care and stayed there for a few days, it was terribly traumatic. My second I had hoped that I'd have a VBAC, my hospital even gave me the all clear for it but I was advised that there was suspicion that my pelvis was too small and my baby was bigger this time, so I chose the elective.
And I still feel the same way as you and I got to 9cms with my first! I even have considered a VBAC2! Which only 1 hospital in my state would consider.

I also have a mild case of PND, it's horrible, and I also believe alot of that does start steming from that feeling of not acheiving what you think your body should be able to do it's almost a feeling of your body failing you!

It's something very difficult to come to terms with, and it's not going to happen overnight, 4 months is not a long time after a birth.

Have you thought about seeing your gp or an ob and having a chat about how you're feeling? Even your child health nurse or joining a support group? I was referred to a program that does a support group for mothers with PND and they have a creche, im starting in term 2 and I'm really hoping it will shed some light for me.

We're hoping for 4 children, and I guess it is hard to accept that they might all be c-sections. But at the same time I try to remain greatful that I do have children and that they're well and healthy. And I know sometimes that just isn't enough you wanted that experience!

I don't have answers for you just advice and knowledge that you're not alone in feeling that way, alot of women go/have gone through this.

*Hugs* Try to stay positive, as hard as that can be sometimes