View Full Version : Being pressured to switch to formula by MIL
Hi could somebody please give me some advice... My MIL is constantly making comments about my breastmilk "not being strong enough" or "he's not getting enough" or "he looks hungry". I can easily squeeze breast milk out of my breast and bubby always has milk in his mouth when I take him away from my breast. Recently I told her bubs was a bit restless and wouldnt stop crying. She immediately suggested I go and buy my baby a tin of formula as he obviously was hungry and I'm not giving him enough. It makes me so angry and upset as it's hard enough trying to breastfeed. I know the only reason she wants me to feed him formula is so she can take my baby for the night as she has even said as much "oh if mummy put you on formula then you can come stay with me". Now my partner is saying "well maybe she's right". Does anybody else get this sort of negativity while breastfeeding? It seems as soon as baby starts crying or getting restless it must be the mothers breastmilk. I'm so sick of it. :banghead:
By the way my bubby is only 3 weeks old, has plenty of wet and pooey nappies and is otherwise well...this is my first child and it's important to me to be able to breastfeed. I really think people should be careful what they say to a breastfeeding mother because it really undermines our confidence when people criticise our breastfeeding attempts.... Im not surprised so many women give up in frustration. Sites like this where we can support each other and get advice from people who are going through the same thing are fabulous so thankyou all for your feedback!
Bubs'n'Roses
15-11-2009, 13:21
Not to be rude, but perhaps you should tell MIL to shut it up, you don't want to hear her negativity. It sounds like bubs is getting enough food. If she just wants it for her own selfish reason, tell her to shove it because there is plenty of time for sleep overs in the future.
And maybe say to your partner that you'd appreciate some support. BFing is good for you and your baby at the moment right? So tell him if and when you choose to swap to formula, that's what you'll do, but until then 'I love you, but shut up'.
:hugs: I really don't mean to sound rude at all. But I know how annoying it is when people are like that.
Pretty much what Rosebones said.
Perhaps make it clear that bubs isn't going anywhere without you for a while, regardless of whether he's on formula or breastmilk. And for that matter, he won't necessarily sleep better, or be any less hungry if you switch to formula - there are no guarantees that he is hungry in the first place.
The ABA or your child health nurse (IF she is supportive of breastfeeding) should be able to give you some good ways of judging whether or not he is getting enough breastmilk. The easy test is whether he has six or more wet nappies in a day ... if yes, he is getting exactly what he needs!
Is he gaining weight steadily? Not every week, necessarily, but showing a steady upward trend? If yes, he is getting enough!
His crying can be prompted by SO many factors - wind from too much milk! Teeth coming through? Tiredness? Just plain cranky because he has been passed around like a parcel and wants his mumma! Keep in mind that the ONLY way your son has of communicating ANYTHING he is feeling is to cry, so assuming it is hunger all the time is a bit simplistic.
Your MIL can't help that she was raised in a family (or generation) that thought formula was a wonderful gift - it was, to people who couldn't breastfeed. But for people who can, breastmilk remains the better choice, and you have made that choice.
You deserve nothing but congratulations, and support, and patience from your family while you and your son figure it all out. Please feel free to print this out and have hubby read it if you feel the need :D
Lipsmacker01
15-11-2009, 13:49
I can definately relate to you!
Ive got two girls...one just 6 weeks old and the same sort of thing happened this week with my own mum.
My girl is obviously having a growth spurt or something at the moment as she can have good days and bad days of feeding...especially with booby fussiness.
Mum said that Im not producing enough milk....or Im not eating right....that baby is still hungry. Not producing enough milk!!!! She should have seen me and then she would have thought twice!!
I took this to heart and hung up on her. I think she got the picture of where I stood on this. The thing that offended me the most that mum breastfed all of us 4 kids...so for her to say put baby on formula really upset me.
I would try not to take things personally. If bubs is producing plenty of wet/dirty nappies then they are probably thriving.
If you are worried I would speak to a child health nurse or even ring the australian breastfeeding association. I found their help incrediably helpful:)
What Ive found is that if I keep telling my mum over the phone that something is wrong...whether it be issues disciplining my older toddler or breastfeeding etc....she immediately assumes Im an unfit parent...which is sad as Im calling her to vent and get some advice.
Is there anyone in mothers group that could help? Like I said ring the ABA theyre awesome...and dont listen to your MIL!!
I breastfed my first girl on demand till 18 months. FIL would always be like why are u feeding her so much...always upset me.
You know where u stand, just do what your gut feels.
I dont think there's a right or wrong way to feed baby, whether it be breast or bottle.
I wouldnt let it bother me.
Maybe next time you come accross the same topic with her mention how you feel, tell her all the benefits of breastfeeding and let her know what your intentions are.
Just because she says things to you doesnt mean you need to act on them:). You're the babies mummy and at the end of the day you are doing what you think is best!!
Good luck:)
luvmyboys
15-11-2009, 13:54
What Jaq said.
You have a new baby and it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job, new babies are restless and sometimes hard to work out but it sounds like your milk supply is perfect.
I would talk to your partner first about how important it is to you that you breastfeed, that is best for you and for your baby.
Then I would say a similar thing to your MIL, let them know how important their support is and how their support helps you to be a good mummy.
If the issue that keeps coming up is your baby staying at MIL house then maybe you need to clarify that you will not be leaving your baby with anyone for a while and then not for more than an hour or so, at the moment anyway.
The health and happiness of you and your baby are the most important thing at the moment, not visits to grandmas. You are doing a great job, keep it up:thumbsup:.
Mrs Nietzsche
15-11-2009, 14:07
How awful. I had a similar problem and it is rather demoralising. This is just a generational thing - and you need to disregard everything she is saying.
All I would add is that you need to get your partner onside with this, and fast. Forget about your MIL, she is probably a lost cause but you don't need your partner undermining you. Could you give him some stuff to read, give him a lecture, go to an ABA meeting, ???
YOu might want to consider going to an ABA meeting yourself - they are a great source of support.
I'm sorry this is happening but don't let it affect your confidence. Everythign is going aok.
luvmyboys
15-11-2009, 14:14
I was just coming back to give you a link for finding your local ABA group and saw maires message, it's a great idea to have likeminded people around you who can offer support and advice. Go here: http://www.breastfeeding.asn.au/contact/groups.html
Put in your postcode and it will give you a phone number for your nearest contact, give them a call and they can advise you of their next closest meeting, they are usually monthly I think but some may be more/less frequent.
delirium
15-11-2009, 14:23
I agree with Rosebones. Your partner needs to tell her in no uncertain terms that you WILL continue to bf, that there will be no further discussion into the matter and to deal with it.
It's fantastic you are bfing, and I hardly think changing to formula to satisfy your MIL when you don't want to, is the right choice for you.
JiminyCricket
15-11-2009, 14:30
I found that when iam dealing with people who want to give me advice that i dont agree with , I stop telling them things and try and brush it off .
My nan and mum were always telling how i should control cry my son when i told them he wouldn't sleep on his own i got sick of it so now i just lie to them if they ask i say he sleeps on his own no worries and don't share anything that worrys me with people like that.
jimmysmummy
15-11-2009, 15:08
Does your MIL think that formula-fed babies never, ever cry? :confused:
Every baby goes through different phases whether they're boob or formula fed. You are doing a GREAT job- just keep telling yourself that, and maybe ask her to stop being so negative?
MummaBear03
15-11-2009, 15:19
This is exactly why we need more support and education out there about the actual facts, for everyone to see, including the general behaviour of a breastfed baby, the growth rate of a breastfed baby, and the basic feeding patterns of a breastfed baby.
This is also why we need more hands-on support for longer out in the community, free of charge, fully government funded for everyone regardless of race, creed or financial status.
A great many mothers have stopped breastfeeding and switched over to formula feeding for this exact reason, and when they've worked out there was nothing wrong with the way they were breastfeeding, or the quality or quantity of their milk, it's often too late to go back.
Good on you for doing what you know to be best, hopefully if you can convince your MIL (maybe through her son as suggested, rather than do it yourself) she'll back off and see what a great thing you are doing for your baby.
Just wanted to say good on you for choosing to breastfeed in the first place!! If MIL doesn't understand the benefits then that is her loss and you have no reason to feel pressured into switching to formula. As long as you know your baby is healthy and happy (most of the time :p) then that is all that matters!
There is plenty of support out there for BF mothers - don't be afraid to go and use some of it!! :thumbsup:
:hugs:
Yes I think from now on when MIL rings and asks how bubby is going I will say "yeah he's great really fantastic" no matter if it's true or not. She even snatches my baby off me and my partner every time we go around to visit her and when I say "I need to feed him" and try and take him back she gives me the filthiest look like "How dare you take him away!". And then says he's not feeding enough!!!!! AAAARGH!
Bfing is hard enough..without the interference of others.
Having a baby is hard enough without the interference of others.
Stick to your guns. Your baby, your decisions. Don't let anyone guilt you into doing anything you are not comfortable with.
Congrats on your little one, and good luck with your bfing journey.:goodvibes:
codswallop
15-11-2009, 17:07
Not to be rude, but perhaps you should tell MIL to shut it up, you don't want to hear her negativity. It sounds like bubs is getting enough food. If she just wants it for her own selfish reason, tell her to shove it because there is plenty of time for sleep overs in the future.
And maybe say to your partner that you'd appreciate some support. BFing is good for you and your baby at the moment right? So tell him if and when you choose to swap to formula, that's what you'll do, but until then 'I love you, but shut up'.
:hugs: I really don't mean to sound rude at all. But I know how annoying it is when people are like that.
totally agree!
i had it a little with DD but not to bad i think the main difference was hubbies total support
which i had as he came to all of my baby clinic visits
get you DP to go with you and make sure he understands how breast feeding works also ask your clinic nurse for some brochures on breast feeding or contact the ABA allot of older women are a bit back wards on how breast feeding really works because in the 50s 60 and 70s ppl were so against it
dont give up if you dont want to!
Jaspat24
15-11-2009, 18:30
My MIL was like that too, always suggesting formula etc. I've had so many struggles with BF but now i have the last laugh cos at 7 months, i'm still feeding! Like anothe PP said, i also just stopped telling her stuff and if she asked i'd gloss over it. Also when your bub cries and she says something like 'bub is hungry, your milks no good' maybe say something like 'maybe its so good and yummy that DS/DD just wants more'!
Keep up the good work and keep BF on demand its the best thing to ensure a good supply for bub!
Your MIL is a breastfeeding saboteur and needs to be locked in a cupboard. The end.:D
Seriously, just ignore it or change the subject. If your baby is gaining weight and has the requisite number of wet nappies, then there's no problem.
Three week old babies are notoriously unsettled. It's just par for the course. Maybe she was lucky enough to have very settled babies so she can't relate.
I had the same issue with my MIL when DD was born but was totally prepare for it cause I watch my SIL go through the same thing when her DS was borne... Everytime DD cried when we were stayed at her house for christmas last year she said "oh I think she is hungry"... I said to her after the second time "you do realise that babies cry for reasons other then hungry don't you". Needless to say she never said it again :p
The same thing happened to me apparently EVERY time he cried it was because he was hungry and I didn't have enough milk... I wasn't rude but very firm and simply said I've spoken to the nurse at the health centre and he's putting on weight really well and he's got lots of wet and pooey nappies so there is no problem. Breastfeeding is really important to me and I am planning on feeding for the first 12 months and then I'll see after that. I also mentioned that if there was any issue with my breastfeeding I would be getting a lactation consultant in at great cost before I went down the path of formula. I also mentioned that I know that formula was the preferred method of feeding when she had her children but that there is a lot of research into the benefits of breastfeeding. Amongst them, the significant reduction in the instance of diabetes if breast fed for 8 months. As we have diabetes in our family, that was very important to me to give my son the best chance of avoiding it.
It sounds like you are doing a fabulous job and if you are already feeling like this and you're only at the 3 week mark, I'd say you're in it for the long haul as those first 6 weeks are BY FAR the most uncomfortable and difficult. Well done and keep doing what is best for you and your baby :hugs:
MumNeedsCoffee
15-11-2009, 19:47
Does your MIL think that formula-fed babies never, ever cry? :confused:
Every baby goes through different phases whether they're boob or formula fed. You are doing a GREAT job- just keep telling yourself that, and maybe ask her to stop being so negative?
:iagree:I had to give up breastfeeding at 6 weeks because I had PND and the medication I was on was really not good for a baby.
So many women give up breastfeeding because it isn't the best thing for them and their babies.
If you can breastfed, and you're comfortable with it and your baby is gaining weight then please don't give in to uneducated advice!
Personally I found absolutely no difference with DD's sleep habits, or how much she cried. I admit it was easier on me because DD could be fed by her Dad but I would give that up in a heartbeat to have the opportunity to give what's best for her - breastfeeding! It's only such a short time in our lives that they are breastfeeding so what's the hurry in switching to formula.
Be strong. So many people will tell you that formula feeding will help your baby become more settled and sleep longer - not necessarily true. If you feel her getting you down then please come back here to people who will support your choice, even if we aren't breastfeeders.
And if you can just shoot down her criticism with 'Please respect my choice' and change the subject.
WOW she sounds just like my MIL. Great aren't they! she as all for bfing for about 4 weeks, then her daughter put her son on formula (hr is 10 gays younger than cassie) so i keep getting told she isn't getting enough from me and she needs formula. I said to her when cassie was 4 weeks ill make it to 6 months bfing at least. we are now 2 weeks away from my goal! she said that not many people make it and its hard work and that we wont make it... it make me want it more! i am very stubborn and head strong when i have my mind set on something i will do it!
Just tell her to that you will make it as long as u can with bfing and tell her to butt out! i had the same problem with my df. he wasnt supporting me when it came to his family. i said next time your mum makes a comment on my parenting im leaving (her house) she make a comment ' o your feeding her again if she was on formula she wouldnt need to be fed all the time' she was 2 months and doing her cluster feed. i got up said 'cassie is my child i will bf her when i want and for as long as i want,. if you dont appreciate that and keep your thoughts on it to yourself we wont be visiting until she is off the boob.' i then turned to df and said ' im going home if you dont want to come now you cant catch a train home. got mine and cassies things together and got in the car... he came with me.
She doenst meantion it anymoer, well she does but not as often and i just look at her like shut up or im going.
Sorry for the long post!
GOODLUCK! MIL'S SUCK! AHHH im going to be on one day! ill be a good one!!:ecomcity::ecomcity::ecomcity::ecomcity:
EquineMum
16-11-2009, 07:14
Much and all as I want to say 'lock your MIL in a cupboard and throw away the key' for being such a narrow minded, interfering, bossy, rude and downright ignorant cow :laughing: - I shall refrain...and instead type the following:
If you have the sort of relationship with her that you can talk things through and hopefully get some sense into her, then next time you visit (or vice versa), then be armed ready with a heap of ABA literature and explain to her that at the end of the day, it's your choice and not hers, that she has raised her children successfully and done a wonderful job, but that now it's time she stepped back and let you do the same thing. Explain how you feel she is trying to undermine you and how you want to do the best by your little one and she is not helping at all!!
If you DON'T have that sort of a relationship, then flat out tell her to stick her advice, that it is not wanted and you will continue to do what is best for YOUR child, NOT HERS.
You are being a wonderful, wonderful mother. Little newborn bubbas cry. They cry lots. Their world is completely and utterly upside down. Right now bubs has been 'out for 3 weeks and in for 9months'. That's not a lot of life experience! They depend on their mummies for everything and crying is their only means of communication at that age. Crying means hunger, yes. But it can also mean wet, tired, cranky, bright light, cold, hot, stifled, uncomfortable, windy, unsettled, anxious or just plain need a cuddle. Only you and your DP can figure out which cry means what and your MIL needs to zip it and butt out and let you guys do your thing.
Big :hugs: and lots of strength to you to have the backbone to stand up to your interfering MIL. I wish you the best of luck!! :thumbsup:
Sarahlou
16-11-2009, 14:57
Oh my god - your post made me sooooo angry I just had to respond. I thought initially you may be talking about breastfeeding a toddler (common to start hearing those sorts of comments after 12 months!) but my mouth dropped open when you said he was 3 weeks old!!!! My 22 month old hasn't spent a night away from home - and I'm not ready for that yet, so not sure what the hell your MIL is thinking - as if you would want to part with him for a second now anyway, irrespective of the breastfeeding issue. I wonder whether she breastfed -might be worth finding out cos there definately does seem to be a link between negative comments about breastfeeding and lack of success in that department from the individuals who make these comments.
At 3 weeks old, your breastfeeding relationship is just getting started - still sorting out demand and supply and from memory, sleep may start to be an issue around then too - not to mention, simply getting used to being out of the warmth and comfort of your uterus!!
So to put it plainly, the best thing to do is to tell your MIL to mind her own damn business - and if she can't be supportive then she should keep her opinions to herself and make sure you get your partners backup as well - his support will be invaluable to you in the months ahead.
Most importantly, remember that you are doing the absolute best thing you can for your darling son - and something that only you can do!! Your MIL will get her chance to babysit (maybe after he starts on solids and can go for longer between feeds) if you let her. hehehe. Keep positive and just enjoy these first few weeks - they pass so quickly!!
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