Separate beds for me and DH?

[threechooks]

:( Well lately DH has turned into a bad snorer. It is really loud and he can't sleep on his side very long due to shoulder injuries. So he must sleep on his back most of the time. I am exhausted anyways with a toddler and working part time. I have always taken about an hour to fall asleep but lying next to DH it takes nearly 2 hours. I have been using earplugs but they are starting to hurt my ears (and only block 50% of the noise anyway). The last two nights I have slept in the spare room and had a wonderful nights sleep!:sleeping: DH is very upset that I am not sleeping in the same bed as him :( What should I do? Is there anyone else out there who has separate beds?

[halloweenmum]

Seperate beds is a bit extreme, but I xcan understand what youre saying. Has he tried any other solutions to his snoring? What about something like this:
http://www.ripsnore.com.au/index.php?gclid=CNXwiZWygZ4CFSn6agodHmJOpQ

there are loads of snoring solutions out there, have a google. :)

[TripleTime]

We used to sleep in different rooms cause i snore & DF is a really light sleeper. Worked wonders for until i got my snoring issues sorted out. Now were both in the same bed.

[Wookie1]

Sorry to hear DH doesn't like you sleeping in the other room. We have always joked about separarte beds when we eventually get a bigger house. To be honest it sounds wonderful!! Glad you are feeling more rested. :)

[Mrs Nietzsche]

DHs snoring can be heard from the road, we haven't slept in the same bed for over 2 years (since I was pregnant).

Why is it such a big deal? It's not even the norm in most cultures for couples to sleep in the smae bed.

[FiveInTheBed]

I feel your pain! - I often reach over and hold DPs nose :devil6: or give him an elbow!
But with your dps shoulder it wouldn't be fair.

Has he tried the number of anti snore things out there - nose clips etc?
If the snoring is REALLY bad maybe it is something he needs to see a ENT doc about. Until that problem is sorted I don't see the problem in you getting a good night sleep in another bed - that's all you do at night is sleep anyway!! - maybe have a kiss and a cuddle, chat etc in bed together and then when you are both ready for sleep he or you can go into the spare bed.

Sleep, especially while working and with young kids is essential - you don't wanna get sleep deprived and cranky and resenting him for robbing you of shut eye.

Ask him to work as team together on the issue - solve the problem rather than getting miffed by the reaction.
good luck:goodvibes:

[CheekyChicken]

I used to do the holding nose trick on my little sister when we were kids- turned out she had HUGE tonsils that were stopping her breathing during the night :o.

Perhaps a chiro pillow or something like that might either help his snoring or help him to sleep painlessly on his side.

[SalTheGal]

I am the snorer in this house, so I might be able to give you some persspective from your DH's POV!

We often sleep in seperate rooms, spent most of my pregnancy sleeping in seperate rooms, and much of the first few months after....and TBH it is heartbreaking for me- as the snorer who is causing this, but I do understand why DH needs to do it!

It definitely caused us to grow apart, and we started having a few issues- which when we looked at it , we agreed was a lot to do with the fact that we were in seperate rooms, we almost felt like housemates at times, and were rarely intimate.

So now we are trying a few different things...

DH tried to go to bed earlier or at the same time as me, if he stays up late then it is definitely inevitable that he goes to the spare room, as once I am in a deep sleep it is at its worse- if he can beat me to sleep he doesn't seem to notice it as much.

He also tried to come back into our bed in the wee hours- I tend to be up to feed DS2 bout 4am, and he will often hear me and try to come into bed then, and he finds that he can then sleep fine.

And we try to make an effort to sleep in the same bed on the weekends- DH needs to work during the week so I respect his need for rest, but on the weekends, I like to have him close!!!

That gives us a chance (specially on the weekends) to have a cuddle in bed in the mornings, or atleast wake up next to each other!!

Also he will often come into bed with me, and then leave once I am asleep, so that we are having some time together in the evenings too. ;) ;)

But yeah- its really hard when you are the snorer, and your partner doesn't want to be in the same bed as you!

Specially when there isn't much you can do bout it (mine is adenoid related- I have snored since I was a kid) .

[NonnyMouse]

Why is it such a big deal? It's not even the norm in most cultures for couples to sleep in the smae bed.

Wow! Where did you read that? I can't think of many cultures that don't share their sleeping space, whether it's just the mum and dad, or the whole family. (Except maybe separated or soon-to-be-divorced couples).

As to why it's such a big deal... I'd hate to sleep in a bed away from DP. There's nothing quite like reaching out on a cold night and having his nice warm body next to me, or lying with my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat to help me fall asleep, or just the comfort of having another human close by while you sleep.

If DP starting snoring (he does snore a little now, but a dig in the ribs soon sorts him out) I'd be looking at solutions to that before even considering moving into another bed. It can be as simple as the stick on nose strips to open up the nostrils, or as drastic as an operation, depending on the cause.

Snoring affects the quality of life of the snorer, not just the person who has to lie awake and listen to it. It leaves you more susceptible to tooth decay, gum problems, bad breath and sore throats, plus a greatly reduced quality of sleep which can leave you feeling really tired in the mornings and affect your mood and your ability to concentrate.

[Teegzie]

DH snores terribly too, though he doesn't have a shoulder injury to prevent him from sleeping on his side, just stubborness! :rolleyes:
The last few nights I've gone to bed in our room, and then moved to the spare room at about 11 or 12 after I've given up trying to get him to roll over!
I'm tempted to sleep in the spare bed until this next bub is born because I need my sleep! :sleeping: Once bub is born and waking every few hours I don't care if I'm in the same room as DF and he is kept awake! :devil: Payback's a b!tch! :laughing:

What sucks is I never noticed DF snoring before because we would always sleep snuggled up on our sides (me spooning him usually) but since I got pregnant with DD we both started sleeping differently.

[Boobycino]

I used to snore and DP started sleeping in a seperate bed, though he's an incredibly light sleeper, so I dont think I'm a bad snorer, just average.

Anyhoo, talked to my GP, got a nasal spray, within a week we had silent sleeping.

I'm not sure what changed, but since having bub I've not been snoring... maybe I've never been in a deep enough sleep since he was born!!!!!

Maybe he should just man up and talk to a GP.

Also, snoring can relate to bigger health problems, like sleep apnea and other things - so snoring is a good thing to just have checked out.

[Mrs Nietzsche]

Annonymouse - if your marriage depends on sleeping in the same bed, there are problems.

Familial sleeping arrangements are hugly divergent. There exists basically every combination possible. In most of the world, it is hugely limited by available space and housing - people sleep close together by necessity (only one mosquito net, only one hut, extended family in other rooms, etc). It is far more common for women to co-sleep with infants (pretty much standard) than for women and men to co-sleep.

Sleep is very important. There's a lot of research on how women routinely sacrifice their own sleep in order to continue caregiving through the night. There is also a strong link between sleep deprivation and marital problems, and conversely, between good sleep and a stable marriage.

I think you have to do what works for you. Good health and sleep should be very high priority.

As I said, I haven' slept in the same room as DH for 2 years. I have a 15 mth old and a 4 week old in the room with me though, and I can hear him thundering through the wall. No way on gods earth would our family work if he was in the room with us.

Sleeping apart hasn't effected our relationship. Not getting any sleep due to his snoring certainly would though.

[BabelFish]

Separate beds? DP and I sleep in separate rooms for the most part. I am the most painful person alive to sleep with. I `starfish' as he calls it, I toss and turn, I'm a light snorer (very annoying) - he can't bear it. For almost the duration of my first pregnancy we slept in separate rooms, and it's been the same for this one. I need a lot of space to sleep when I'm pregnant, and I don't want to keep him up all night. It makes me stay awake all night, too, because I'm worried about keeping him awake.

Once our DD was born we were back in the same bed and the same room, no problem.

But this time I'm having our son in the spare room (which will end up as his room) with me because DP will be working heaps more and I don't want him up all night as well.

It's lovely to sleep together, but when you need sleep and sleeping together doesn't work, it's ok to find another solution.

A friend of mine has never slept in the same room as her husband. Never really since they got together. They're married now with a son, and they still have separate rooms. And they really have the most loving relationship out of anyone I've ever known. It works for them. Everyone is different.

[NonnyMouse]

Annonymouse - if your marriage depends on sleeping in the same bed, there are problems.

My husband sleeps in another country, but my relationship with my partner doesn't depend on sharing a bed. It is greatly enriched by it though, especially since I spend most of my day looking after the needs of an infant. I really look forward to going to bed at night to snuggle and have some "us" time with DP.


Sleep is very important. There's a lot of research on how women routinely sacrifice their own sleep in order to continue caregiving through the night. There is also a strong link between sleep deprivation and marital problems, and conversely, between good sleep and a stable marriage.

Absolutely! Aside from caring for your babies (which is just part of the job description in those early days), no women should have to sacrifice her sleep for someone else. But if you WANT to share a bed, and LIKE sharing a bed, then surely looking for a solution to the snoring is a valid option, before taking the step of moving out? Unless of course you happen to prefer sleeping on your own for reasons unrelated to the snoring, in which case whatever floats your boat is fine by me. ;)


I think you have to do what works for you. Good health and sleep should be very high priority.

And once again I wholeheartedly agree with you on this one! And the health of the snorer is important too.

On a lighter note, separate beds would kinda puts a new slant on the question "your place or mine?" ;)

[c2p08]

my dad had to go to a sleep clinic because his snoring was so bad it was keeping the entire house awake.

maybe get him to talk to his gp abouut that?

[Mrs Nietzsche]

Yes.. the truth is, I would love to sleep (as in sleep) with DH. But i just cna't because of his appalling snoring which he refuses to see a doctor about.

I think you can work around it - we have a cuddle when he gets home from work (1.30pm) when kids are usually asleep. (He is a shift worker who wakes at 3.30am so I guess the different beds are an advantage in that respect too, though not the reason for it).

ON the downside, it's another set of sheets to wash and we are running out of rooms. In my long-term fantasies, DH's snoring gets fixed and we are back in the one room, and the small kids are in their own room.

But to the OP, I don't think it has to have a negative effect at all on your relationship, as long as you can work in 'adult time' elsewhere. And you *need* to get as much sleep as poss.

I think also you will be surprised at how many couples do sleep apart, even if it's just on an informal basis, but don't really talk about it.

[StrawberryTheMilkshake]

Hi there,

I think that the best place to start is to have your DH head to the GP maybe for some help.

As for sleeping in separate beds- i say, you need to do what works for you. If it means you both get a good nights sleep, and feel better for it, then go for it!

I LOVE sleeping next to DH but if he starts REALLY snoring (or me- i have gigantic tonsils), then one of us will usually go to the spare room and then we both get a good nights sleep.

I think, in the short term, do what works for you until your DH can find out whats causing it.

Good luck and sweet dreams :)